Need help and advice - situation arisen which could easily lead to phase 4.
I have been mapping for a little over 6 months, getting more serious and determined at it as I understand more about the process. Anyhow, the wife and I are still not having sex, I have only very occasionally attempted initiation because she is red constantly. No intimacy since jan. 2015, a few months prior to that the time before. So I am bloody desperate for it. But have to be cool and alpha and OI about rejection. Easier said than done.
In brief, big argument last year where she tells me she is never going to have sex with me again. She made some comment after that about us working well as a team (family unit) - meaning that she wanted to stay together in a sexless marriage for the children. I didn't respond at the time because I was just so speechless / dumbfounded. Anyway I put it down to drink / anger, me not being attractive enough and ticking all the boxes etc. So I have been working hard on myself and trying to MAP myself into too Mr too awesome to refuse.
Now after last night, I initiated and she was not into it at all, and asked me what I was doing. Holding my tongue from blurting out something like "What does it f@*king look like " I just tell her "I am going to have sex - does that seem so odd that a man wants to have sex with his wife?". She told me No not now, and made reference to the conversation from the past about never having sex again. Again my mental state was torn asunder, emotionally I was double hurt from the rejection of the attempt also the implication of it all. So rather than be all OI and just turn over and read, I blew up telling her that she can not just expect things to be like that, she needs to communicate with me (she said thought she had) because this is my life that is passing by not just a f@8king computer game. Told her that it was not acceptable, I did not agree to a sexless marriage and she needs to sort her self out and clearly communicate with me.
We lay awake for a while, did have a gentle little light cuddle but no conversation about it.
This morning she gave me a kiss (well quick peck) before heading out for work this morning and said have a lovely day.
My question and about which advice I need to help my decision:
Should I raise it again tonight when she is home from work, and potentially cause an ultimatum ( which is probably overdue anyway)
OR
just really push hard with being great Dad, rip the abs even more, throw myself into being super social and just MAP my way back into her sexual affections?
OR
I am tempted to just take her out for a drink tonight and just explain to her what my expectations are for a relationship, family life and our future together.. Of course including many things that I need to improve and step up to the plate on as well. If she can not or will not at least work with me towards them then as far as I am concerned it is over.
We have only a few hours now before she is home so please any advice would be great asap.
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Comments
I know you are struggling and the lack of sex can be soul crushing. But there is a fundamental truth you are trying to avoid.
It is IMPOSSIBLE to make your wife sexually attracted to you with words. You can talk with her, reason with her, beg her and so on. None of that is going to create sexual attraction.
You have to become a man that in the primitive parts of her brain, she MUST have sex with. The primitive part of her brain needs to be screaming..... MUST MAKE BABIES.
Being a great dad and father isn't going to turn her on.
You have a 20 year pattern of behavior with her. That is not going to be turned around in 6 months. I'm not trying to depress you, but this is a marathon, not a sprint.
A few years ago, I wrote a post called "The Bedroom Comes Last." Yes, Last is perhaps over stated. You don't have to fix everything else before you MIGHT see improvement in the bedroom, but REAL improvement in the bedroom comes late in the improvement process, not early.
Note - If you a FO with a Lazy Bear or Low-T husband, ignore everything I say. It probably doesn't apply
"As he works on his MAP, he's going to do things that piss you off. He has to." - Steu2817
"In a world of Alpha's there is no peace for anyone.....welcome to Somalia enjoy your stay" - Highlander2
Six months is nothing.
Have a back up plan for every rump rejection (i.e. "Ok, no worries, your loss" and head to another room).
With so many months in sexless marriage under your belt, I'm surprised youre still so worked up (verbally and visually) about this. Outcome Independence is the key.
You're only going to Phase Four over something that is a clear blockage to the relationship improving.... that isn't just straight a up attraction problem.
i.e. you can Phase Four over a drinking problem, her unresolved sexual abuse issues, her untreated health / mental health issues.
If you aren't clearly more attractive than her already, you're not even to Phase Three yet.
One Hour Call 12-Week Guided MAP
"The turnaround is tremendous. And I'm lifting weights, eating better, and tackling projects. I have all this great energy without a vampire sucking my life force. He's a lot stronger standing on his own two feet, as well." - Scarlet
High Value Display with risk or Head Down and MAP?
Head down and Map. No question.
Think about it. You have this convo with her about expecting sex. And she cares enough about the marriage to want to preserve it so she has more sex with you.
Is that what you want?
I don't think so. I think what you really want ... what all of us really want ... is a partner who wants sex with us, not just one who will have sex with us.
You may or may not be able to talk her into having more sex with you, but you'll never talk your way into her wanting more sex with you.
You just have to do the work.
The Secret to Why Your Wife Doesn't Initiate; Top Two Reasons Your Husband Doesn't Want Sex; Dominance-It's Not a Bad Word; Top 10 Ways to Increase Testosterone Naturally
Abs and being social are the low-hanging fruit for you. Is she still the primary provider?
Any advice on No FAP when not getting any at all?
And "blowing up" can be better than keeping his head down because you show that you stand up for yourself. That said it's even better to stand up with his selfcontrol.
Insanity.
Others may disagree but I see No FAP as something you take on when you are with a woman willing to have sex with you. Your seed is for her only and not to be wasted. Having no way of sexual release while pent up with a vagina that should be available to you is further punishment to endure. I think you are just compounding your issues.
"Treating her like a princess didn't make me a prince, it made me a servant."
Link to triage questions: http://marriedmansexlife.com/triage-your-relationship-and-the-911-er-category/