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I have read all three books mentioned: The primer, MAP and NMMNG. They are all what have inspired me to be here and start making changes.
I have made attempts to be more alpha with mixed success. For example, recently on a Saturday morning, with no plans having been discussed previously for that day, I presented my agenda for the day as a fait accompli. Her very words were "It's not good to be all "macho", you know!" and went monosyllabic for the rest of the day.
RPRon's has a point, I don't feel I have the skills yet to suddenly up the Alpha blindly without a plan. I fear this is going to be a long and difficult process.
I'll get onto the remaining triage questions when I have a moment.
Thanks again everyone!
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
She is carrying a bit of a spare tire but she's by no means obese.
She's not at all a sporty person, unlike me. She does what I call "binge exercise" for a few weeks at a time to lose weight. She is, like many Mexicans, partial to sugar (in drinks and candy and desserts).
Looks-wise I have a better body than hers, she has a better-looking face than mine. I'd say we're equal 7.5s, maybe 8s on a good day.
Ugh...
Yes, you are in inning 1 of a 100 inning game.
Dont let her put downs bother you. Let them roll of you and stay in YOUR frame.
Did you DO those plans or did she squash them?
Question Seven – What Was the Sex Like at the Start of the Relationship?
Sex was good at the start of the relationship. As mentioned previously, she was a virgin, but seemed pretty eager to change that early into the relationship. At the beginning sex was spur of the moment and spontaneous, passionate and we both seemed to get an equal amount of enjoyment out of it. It happened a few times per week.
At first, she would go down on me, but would not let me do the same to her - now it’s quite the opposite: she’s happy to have me go to town on her, but her head hasn’t been south of my neck for nearly three years. I think she’s only ever had a few orgasms. Once or twice PiV and a few times me giving her head.
She prefers missionary and occasionally her on top which she complains sometimes as being “tiring”. We’ve done doggy a few times, but it’s clear she’s not a big fan. Until about 6 months ago she was happy for me to ejaculate inside her, but of late she has been asking me not to.
She has never let me shower with her - “that’s a gross idea” - and always changes her clothes in the bathroom with the door locked.Question Eight – What’s the Elephant in the Room?
Religion - she’s a devout Catholic. I am a devout but non-proselytising atheist. I’m happy for her to believe what she wants, even though I am sad that she does. I accompany her to church for weddings, baptisms and big events when the whole of her family go (like Christmas and Easter masses) but I don’t like it. I try not to engage her on religious matters and she doesn’t with me, because we know that trying to convert each other is a waste of time. But I think we are both a little sad that the other believes what they believe.
Depression - I have had major bouts of depression and continue to do so every now and then. It is not talked about. I strongly suspect that she has had her own mental health issues too, but again, nothing is said.
Cultural differences - I feel I have bent over backwards to adapt to Mexican cultural norms and that she has conceded nothing to me. I learned her language, I changed mealtimes and diet, I have accompanied her to church, I have agreed that she may raise our son as a Catholic, I have embraced her large family and take part in the very frequent family events. Her argument is that we are in Mexico not England.
My family - She loathes my mother with a vengeance and in spite of not speaking each other’s language at all, they fell out in spectacular fashion when we went to stay with my folks in England before our wedding. From the beginning of our stay with my folks, my wife didn’t want us to spend any time with my parents whom I had not seen in a couple of years. I acquiesced by taking my wife out of the house as much as I could, and my mother reacted badly to this and then my wife - in turn - reacted badly to that. I talk to my parents for a few minutes via Skype every weekend. My wife has never joined in even to say hello even though my parents have been wanting to bury the hatchet.Question Nine – Who is the Leader in your Marriage?
She is, clearly. Whenever I have tried to take control, she rips it right back off me. She sometimes asks for a decision from me and, when I make a decision or choice, she will proceed with the opposite. “Which do you like, the blue or the red? The red, you say? I’ll go with the blue.” When I disagree with her about things, she just ignores me and does it her way, and I don’t know how to get my way. It’s like trying to tell a cat to fetch a ball. I have let her treat me like a doormat and I’m not sure how to stop this.Question Ten – Tell Us About the Good Times
I think she has borderline traits, especially the idolizing/demonizing traits that borderlines are known for. She used to treat me like someone special, she was physically affectionate and tactile, she used to do little favors for me and make me feel loved. This inspired me to do the same for her. Now I’m having to really dig deep to be affectionate towards someone who clearly has no respect for me.If you want us to be unapologetically feminine, be unapologetically masculine.
So the NMMNG stuff went on hold and since then i found the Athol Kay books that struck more of a chord with me.
Finding a strong frame is going to be a big part of your success.
Does your child have dual citizenship UK-Mexico or just Mexico?
The idea of handing over your entire paycheck seems strange to me but I understand it is probably a cultural thing. You definitely need to change that up. I agree with the poster who suggested you cash your check and hold some money back for your own use, and give her some to pay bills, buy groceries, etc. The first time you do this she will throw a fit. Even though it feels awful, don't cave. This is what is called a fitness test.
My suggestion is reading all the books already suggested here (MMSLP, MAP, NNMNG). Then read them again and again.
Improving yourself is a never ending project. Just start somewhere and get 1% better each day.
Just so you know, when I read your posts I hear them with a British accent. Combined with your turns of phrase, I find it all quite charming. Many Americans are Anglophiles. In my head you sound like a prince! (To be honest, I thought Terence Stamp in The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert sounded like a prince, too. So clearly my powers of linguistic discernment are not good. But I'm an American so what do I know?)
Remember, she'll fight you tooth and nail while you are taking back control and holding your frame...why, because she wants to retain control.
Funny thing is, she'll respect you more as you hold frame. She won't like it but she'll respect it.
I get what you're saying on doing the affectionate and loving thing. She may in the future start doing those things more once her attitude changes about having more respect for you.
Reward good behaviour, never reward bad behaviour.
Appoligizing for for being a bad husband for not taking trash out...never, never ever do that.
Thanks for the compliments on the tone. I chose to use American spellings wherever I could (some probably slipped through the net) but obviously there's a British lilt in my speech patterns. It may just be me though. Even my British acquaintances comment on my manner of speech!
Her mother is the grand matriarch of a very big family. My wife has 7 siblings and their mother clearly calls the shots. The father is definitely the beta. When I have protested about handing my paycheck to my wife she said that that is what her father used to do for her mother. When I protested against my wife sleeping with our son (2y9m), she said that her brother's wife still sleeps with her 4 year old twins. I'm not sure what the home atmosphere is like between my brothers and sisters in law. My wife and her siblings address her parents as Usted. Kind of like calling them "Sir" and "Ma'am". I consider that really messed up. Straight out of Downton Abbey.
Nevertheless, it seems that my wife has had some clear childhood conditioning, in terms of how she considers what a family dynamic should be.
Mind you, my own family history has had its impact on me. Mine was a very small nuclear family: my parents, my older brother and me. Grandparents were either dead or living thousands of miles away. No aunts or uncles around either. So un-Mexican.
To add to things, my father, who was serving in the Royal Navy, was often away for many months at a time, we moved city every two to three years and, to maintain some sort of educational continuity, I was in boarding school from the ages of 7 to 18. I absolutely loved boarding school, incidentally, before anybody asks!
My UK born partner however did not, until he served in the US Army.
While you have a lot of cultural differences between you, I believe that considering them "messed up" will not help you deal with them.
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net