Getting the "lid "lifted"

Pixie

Hehe. I am not talking about erections here... . Maybe be some of you are experiencing or have experienced the same challenge in your marriage relationship. 

Background: I am an empath - sensitive - and hubby very straight forward, goal and results-driven. We work together in our business. 

Challenge:  When he is away on business I feel free and relaxed and focussed. The "lid is off".   When he is around I feel more stressed- like I have a lid on me. I have told myself many times to just carry on the way I was while he was away, but in no time, I am stuck again. I kind off know what the problem is - it has to do with personal value and confidence- but have in 18 years not succeeded in working out a strategy for keeping that damned lid off. Of course he responds to me in a different way when the lid is off because I am then more attractive. 

I would appreciate some pointers if anyone who may have the same kind of makeup as me and has had success, has any advice! No quick fixes. Just straight forward practical advice. Tx

Scarlet

This is MAP stuff.  How is yours going?  What are you doing to make yourself a healthy, vibrant, emotionally independent person? 

Pixie

Scarlet said:

This is MAP stuff.  How is yours going?  What are you doing to make yourself a healthy, vibrant, emotionally independent person? 

Agreed @Scarlet. I am doing MAP yes. Just started a month ago. Baby steps. I ask because often there are others with a similar experience and as a result just have some really meaningful contribution to make. 

JellyBean

I had this experience with my first husband. The change in me was so profound I couldn't ignore it. My solution was to get divorced. This may or may not be the best course of action for you. 

LadyOrTheTyger

I had the same experience as @JellyBean. After the divorce I made myself a vow that I would never let a man make me feel that way again. I'll be interested to hear others' responses. I sometimes start to feel that way with my boyfriend but since we don't live together I have the luxury of distancing myself a little until I crave his presence more than I crave being alone. @Pixie would you say you're someone who needs a lot of alone time in general? I think it might be worth figuring out if it's his presence specifically that feels oppressive, or if you just need a certain amount of time alone to be happy.

Pixie

Tx for the responses @JellyBean and @LadyOrTheTyger.  Don't misunderstand. He is not "making me feel" that way. I believe that in our case it is the result of a person who makes life happen intentionally (him), living with a person who lets life happen with minimal planning (me).  Which I am busy changing by doing my MAP.

I see @JellyBean that you are, like me, an enneagram 9w1 which means you and I may have similar frames. Having a partner who is almost directly the opposite can be a huge challenge. We almost got divorced, first his decision which he changed once I became more attractive and self sufficient, ( he actually asked me not to be a doormat), then my decision when I thought we were reconnecting too slowly. Then we decided that we both wanted to stay and have gone through huge growth over the past 3 years.

Deep down I know that I have to find my equilibrium again and break free from the insecurity and anxiety and become an emotionally healthy person without making him responsible for my happiness. @LadyOrTheTyger I do need quality alone time and do get it. We work together though so during the day I am an employee and he does not treat me differently because we are married. He is simply task and results driven and I am more relationship driven which poses a challenge!

He is actually a warm, loving and caring person who will do anything for me and support me in anything I want to do. Thats why I am asking for advice. I need help in otder to make a serious mind - shift.  

forestleaf

I think the natural response to being around anyone is to somewhat suppress certain characteristics and to act a certain way socially, which is most times a good thing.  This is why you act differently around your coworkers, your husband, your children, your friends, your parents.  I think the big question is whether you are oppressing your own personality severely and not allowing yourself to be who you really are around him, or are you simply making little adjustments that aren't always comfortable?  There is such a huge spectrum of possibility here.

LadyOrTheTyger

Wasn't there a thread a while back about women and nerfing our personalities in marriage?