Strange reaction from wife after first anal play

FromMars

Apologies in advance if this is too graphic. I'm going to try to get the point across as politely as possible.  I need some insight and advice on why my wife acted the way she did after seeming to really enjoy our first time with anal play.

I've always wanted anal, and really anything to do with my wife's ass. She's always insisted that anal sex is a definite "no, never going to happen." She's also never let me touch the outside of her anus. She's fine with me touching the cheeks, but any time my hand drifts too close to the middle she swats it away. It's not that I try to push this often.  Maybe once or twice a year I'll try to push the boundary and drift my hand a little close during sex and she'll swat my hand away.

Recently this changed. Our sex life has been picking up. I was giving her a back and butt massage with plenty of massage oil, and giving lots of attention to her lower half. Once she was worked up, I started grinding on her ass with my penis (going between the upper cheeks but staying away from the hole) She got really into it and before I knew it she was moaning and grinding back against me and I was sliding back and forth in direct contact with the outside of her anus, which she seemed to love. 

Eventually things escalated to the point of me alternating rubbing the outside of her anus with my fingers and the tip of my penis pretty aggressively (never attempting to penetrate) while I fingered her V with the other hand. She was very turned on, moaning and grinding back against me but occasionally would remind me "don't you dare try to stick anything in there" and I assured her each time that I'd stay outside only.  It seemed at one point that she was so into it that she was even pushing back against me while the tip of my penis was against her anus, trying to make it go in.  I obviously really wanted to take advantage of this but didn't since I had assured her 5 or 6 times that I'd stay on the outside and it wouldn't go in.

She had several O's while we were doing all of this, and we finished by me sliding inside her vaginally from the back and having sex while rubbing her A with my finger, which caused another huge O for her.

Afterwards we both collapsed and I was so happy that we were finally close and comfortable enough to share this together. She on the other hand, got upset and started scolding me, saying I "took advantage of her." She said I got her turned on and then took advantage of that to get something that I knew she didn't want. I pointed out that she seemed to like it just fine - even LOVE it - in the moment, and never gave any indication that she wanted me to stop. She said that she didn't like the anal stimulation, she just liked the other stuff so much that she didn't want to stop, and she was so turned on that she wasn't really thinking about it so she went along with it in the heat of the moment, and that I should have known she didn't want that to happen and not done it. That's obviously nonsense because she started moaning and grinding back against my cock and fingers on her anus even before I ever touched her V.  

My guess is that this is just her trying to hamster away the fact that she got turned on by me playing with her butthole - something she's always insisted was gross and we'd never do. I do want to take it very seriously though because she is saying that I "tricked her into it" and "took advantage" of her and I don't want to be that guy, or for her to even think that I'm that guy.  I'd like some opinions please, especially from the ladies.

I'm also wondering how to approach this in the future. On one hand, it's something that we both really enjoyed - in my estimation the best sexual session we've had in years. I'd certainly like to do it again and I think that underneath it all she would too - at least once we got going. On the other hand, I don't think I should try again based on her reaction afterwards and what she said. I can't imagine what she'd have to say after I "tricked" her into a really enjoyable experience with several orgasms a second time!  Not sure how to proceed here...

Angeline

Did you tease her about liking it, even though she said previously it was gross? Did you make her ashamed for letting you go there? Hammering home afterwards how much she liked it is punishment for opening up to you. Forget you ever learned the phrase hamster. It's a useful device for understanding how people justify doing things they're ashamed of, not a club to beat them up with.

Were you vocal and enthusiastic about how much YOU liked it? If she heard the first and not the second, yeah, the shame monster kicked in. 

Reassure her that she can say no, but she can't play the mind reading game after the fact.

"If you ever say no to something, I will stop. But I'm not going to feel guilty for failing to read your mind."

FromMars

Really, I didn't have time to say much at all afterwards before she started in saying the things I listed above. I did tell her that it was incredibly sexy and I loved it, and that I  thought she had too. I certainly never teased her or shamed her about it. I'm not that stupid!  

The way I left it was that I did reassure her that she can always say no and I'll always respect that, but she does have to say it - I have no way of knowing otherwise. I also told her that it's perfectly ok if she did like it. It's nothing to be ashamed of and it will absolutely just stay between us.

It's strange, she didn't really seem super upset or angry - just very firm and wanted to definitely make the point that she didn't want to do that and I had taken advantage of how turned on she was to get her to do something she otherwise wouldn't have done.

I never have, and never will utter the word "hamster" to my wife. I only mentioned it here because it seemed like a term the forum is familiar with that aptly describes what I suspect is going on in this situation - she had a great time and enjoyed it, then was ashamed afterwards and tried to rationalize it away.

fredless

It may be that your wife has the image of what 'good girls' do and what 'bad girls' do.  Anal play, for your wife, may be what bad girls do and she wants to be a good girl.  From your description, she was into anal play in the moment but afterward, her self-image of being a good girl was shaken.  (my wife has had similar issues)

My recommendation is to go slowly with her and only go for anal play when she is wound up.  I've found that whispering what a good girl she is when we're doing something new can help with progress. 

The goal is to take all the things a 'bad girl' does and reframe it so that those are the things that a 'good girl' does.

Katt

Aside from the whole "good girl" thing, some women (raises hand) *intellectually* find the idea of anal play (and of course) AS kinda gross and off putting.  So even if, during sex, it seems to work for her, when she's not aroused anymore the thought of it may just gross her out.  She may also be afraid that if she lets this go on, you're going to start pushing for anal sex, so she figures she needs to shut down the backdoor play before it escalates.   That was my (entirely founded ) concern when my husband started playing around back there.

LadyOrTheTyger

True. No man in the history of men has ever put a finger in his wife's butt without immediately thinking "wonder what else I can put in there?"



It is known. 

never_again

Is it coincidence that it is finger-sized, and adaptable to larger sizes?  

Intelligent design.  

Angeline

Really, I didn't have time to say much at all afterwards before she started in saying the things I listed above. I did tell her that it was incredibly sexy and I loved it, and that I thought she had too.

The bold part is the part that was unnecessary to say. It might have seemed to her you were trying to extract an admission from her, to try to ensure ahead if time that it would happen again. 

Thing is, we can really not want or like something with the thinking brain that the lizard brain will accept, or even like. Trying to force a reconciliation between the two, when there's a considerable shame penalty attached, will not help you.

Don't accept her "you forced me" cover story, but don't try to make her admit in the light of day that she liked something she's ashamed of, either.

try_red_pill

FromMars said:

Eventually things escalated to the point of me alternating rubbing the outside of her anus with my fingers and the tip of my penis pretty aggressively (never attempting to penetrate) while I fingered her V with the other hand. ...

She had several O's while we were doing all of this, and we finished by me sliding inside her vaginally from the back and having sex while rubbing her A with my finger, which caused another huge O for her.

Don't know if someone has mentioned this earlier but without giving Mr. Happy a wash between these two events you risk getting some nasty bacteria into her VJ and giving her an unpleasant infection.

Not blaming, I know how easy it is to get carried away in the heat of the moment and I should have probably been more careful on one occasion in the past.

PSA over.

To me there is nothing "strange" about your wife's behavior at all. Many women are going to have enough "good girl" that admitting to liking or even accepting PIA is going to be "challenging."

Our first PIA was much like you described, accept  there was a toy PIV, and I went for it but was prepared to back off at the first sign of a "no."  Since there has  been absolutely NO discussion where DW has acknowledged that AS takes place, even with PG words used. The nearest to that is where I have told her I'm going to be "Very Bad" or some such, the rest is all down to what is NOT said. The only words used would be "careful" or "not so deep" etc during the act.

I have to believe she is less anxious about it now as last time we did it she came with the toy PIV and me PIA. However I make sure to show her some respect and restraint by action, we only do it occasionally and to back off if she feels it too deep etc.

I guess it's one place where being a gentleman has paid off for me.

beribboned

To me the conversation you had with your wife seems helpful. You clarified your positions and tried to understand each other. Some people want to choose what they Will do sexually while they're still playing with a full deck. They want to choose whole-brainedly and to feel good about their choices before, during, and after. I'm  like that so my husband and I talk a lot. 

PghJim

I may as well be an A-hole and leave my first comment here.   Mars, your wife has a psychological hang up that would take years to unravel.  From experience, I can tell you that the fantasy of having anal sex with a women, is much better than the actual experience, unless you have a women really into and prepared for it.  However, unless one has a skin rash, everyone enjoys having the outside of the anus stimulated.  Your wife was/is being unfair to you and you should stand your ground on what you did, even if it means saying that you do not believe her statement that she did not enjoy it.  I really have not met a women, who knows that you are not going to penetrate, that has not enjoyed the right kind of external stimulation.  Assuming she bathed or washed up there in nothing unsanitary about what you did, or gross.  Not knowing her background, I would just be guessing as to why she said those things, but you  do not have to live in her psychological hang-up.  Again, penetration is different.  For me, I always go for the female weakness when dealing with a hang-up and say something like, all of the other women I have known has really enjoyed external stimulation.  Does she always get that excited by just rubbing her clitoral area with your hand?  If the answer is no, then you are correct.  Promise you will not penetrate, but not that you will always refrain from exterior stimulation.  You enjoy it and you know that it is not physically uncomfortable, so she is being selfish, to her own detriment.  If she loses her excitement when you do it, just stop and do something else. Keep going if it appears to be exciting her.  Although if you are married you should try penetration at least once, but you are far from that now.  Next time use your tongue. 

Angeline

@PghJim, please refrain from interpreting what "all women" do or think based on your anecdotal evidence. No, it is not a psychological hangup, nor is it selfish, to have preferences and boundaries.

Please do not mind-read and introduce negative attitudes and thinking into a relationship that may not be there. Don't inflame someone's situation from the safety of your keyboard. This is a forum that tries to support people's efforts to keep their marriages, and find and stick to their personal boundaries. Both parties get to do this.

The only accurate and helpful part of your statement is "I would just be guessing as to why she said those things". 

SaigoTakamori

@PghJim

Posting a Triage  would.be good.

You have some concepts that you are missing. 

StikkyEbi

Wife here, it might be that the wife does have issues with accepting what feels good and turns her on because it's out of her comfort zone. I know I dressed up with temporary blonde hair spray, some make up, and a temporary tattoo once for my husband. It kind of freaked me out once I'd had it all put on me because I always swore I was never going to even temporarily dye my hair before I met my husband and I've never been much into makeup. So, dressing kind of slutty on purpose made me really stressed out because in my normal every day life I've always been the good little housewife who cooks, cleans, is book smart, and never takes risks. So, stepping out of my comfort zone even with such temporary stuff was extremely scary even if it made me feel sexy and turned my husband on. It was to the point I felt like crying over such a little thing. I imagine it could be a very similar issue for your wife. She sees herself in a particular light and believes certain things about herself and to have anything shake her beliefs about herself and having to figure out how it fits in with who she is can be very difficult I'm sure. Even if it's not something that's a big deal to you.

PghJim

StikkyEbi - I thank you for posting in personal terms what I was saying.  Now people may not think of situations like yours as a psychological hang up, but it is.  That is not meant as a criticism, you recognized your reaction for what they were.  I have not figured out how to reply yet so I will just answer here.  Angeline - I based my response on the information provided, of course some of my experience comes into play.  I used a general term psychological hang up, because there were no physical reasons given, if she would have said you know I do not like that because it hurts, tickles or whatever then it would be different.  Mars does not have a clue as to why his wife is so against it, and unless his wife puts the thought into it that StikkyEbi did, she probably does not know why either.  Of course we do not have all of the information, but I think some discussion may help as to understand why she feels that way, I do not think anything negative was suggested.  Continued external stimulation will allow that discussion to happen.  SaigoTakamori - I guess I am just a bit dense tonight to understand how a French word denoting the ordering of people into three groups for medical treatment applies.  Concepts as always missing, but not knowing what you have in mind does not help.

Jen_Kay

Hi @PghJim-  PMing you so as to not completely derail the original thread when I answer your questions

Jek

FromMars said:

Apologies in advance if this is too graphic. I'm going to try to get the point across as politely as possible.  I need some insight and advice on why my wife acted the way she did after seeming to really enjoy our first time with anal play.

I've always wanted anal, and really anything to do with my wife's ass. She's always insisted that anal sex is a definite "no, never going to happen." She's also never let me touch the outside of her anus. She's fine with me touching the cheeks, but any time my hand drifts too close to the middle she swats it away. It's not that I try to push this often.  Maybe once or twice a year I'll try to push the boundary and drift my hand a little close during sex and she'll swat my hand away.

Recently this changed. Our sex life has been picking up. I was giving her a back and butt massage with plenty of massage oil, and giving lots of attention to her lower half. Once she was worked up, I started grinding on her ass with my penis (going between the upper cheeks but staying away from the hole) She got really into it and before I knew it she was moaning and grinding back against me and I was sliding back and forth in direct contact with the outside of her anus, which she seemed to love. 

Eventually things escalated to the point of me alternating rubbing the outside of her anus with my fingers and the tip of my penis pretty aggressively (never attempting to penetrate) while I fingered her V with the other hand. She was very turned on, moaning and grinding back against me but occasionally would remind me "don't you dare try to stick anything in there" and I assured her each time that I'd stay outside only.  It seemed at one point that she was so into it that she was even pushing back against me while the tip of my penis was against her anus, trying to make it go in.  I obviously really wanted to take advantage of this but didn't since I had assured her 5 or 6 times that I'd stay on the outside and it wouldn't go in.

She had several O's while we were doing all of this, and we finished by me sliding inside her vaginally from the back and having sex while rubbing her A with my finger, which caused another huge O for her.

Afterwards we both collapsed and I was so happy that we were finally close and comfortable enough to share this together.

FromMars says,"Baby, you are beautiful"

She on the other hand, got upset and started scolding me, saying I "took advantage of her."

FromMars says,"Yeah, I suppose that I mighta gone too far."

She said I got her turned on and then took advantage of that to get something that I knew she didn't want.

Baby, you just make me feel so good sometimes!"

I pointed out that she seemed to like it just fine - even LOVE it - in the moment, and never gave any indication that she wanted me to stop. She said that she didn't like the anal stimulation, she just liked the other stuff so much that she didn't want to stop, and she was so turned on that she wasn't really thinking about it so she went along with it in the heat of the moment, and that I should have known she didn't want that to happen and not done it.

True, honey, I was sooo caught up in it too."

 That's obviously nonsense because she started moaning and grinding back against my cock and fingers on her anus even before I ever touched her V.  

My guess is that this is just her trying to hamster away the fact that she got turned on by me playing with her butthole - something she's always insisted was gross and we'd never do. I do want to take it very seriously though because she is saying that I "tricked her into it" and "took advantage" of her and I don't want to be that guy, or for her to even think that I'm that guy.  I'd like some opinions please, especially from the ladies.

I'm also wondering how to approach this in the future.

That ^^^^^ is why she reconfirmed with shutting it down.


On one hand, it's something that we both really enjoyed - in my estimation the best sexual session we've had in years.

I'd certainly like to do it again

And that ^^^^^

and I think that underneath it all she would too - at least once we got going. On the other hand, I don't think I should try again based on her reaction afterwards and what she said. I can't imagine what she'd have to say after I "tricked" her into a really enjoyable experience with several orgasms a second time!  Not sure how to proceed here...

"The next time" has made you create this whole thread about it.  Your wife is a smart lady.

If it were me, and it has been countless times, don't make it a big deal, don't accuse, don't defend, just love her.

If she makes any further comments about the situation, just downplay it like someone just told you that the grass in the yard is growing.

...just my thoughts

Jek

It all comes down to frame, all of this that we are doing.  You worry about your frame, and she will find hers in her own time.  You can't determine, teach, or force her into frame.

maintain frame and everything works out.