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Introduction - 35 Married Man Struggling
MikeOriely81
Seattle, WAMember Posts: 11
Hello all. So glad I found this site. Relationships are always hard, but lately (last few years) my marriage has been one of the biggest challenges to date.
So my wife and I met in our mid 20's in NYC. We were both single and actually met in the casual encounters section of Craigslist just sharing sexy stories. We never intended to meet, or even swap pics. This went on for a bit and finally we swapped pics and liked each other. We decided to meet up one night at a bar, have a drink and see. Well after that drink we were all over each other all the way back to her apartment and had the hottest sex of our lives. Over and over. We of course decided to see each other again, because damn why not? And one thing led to another and realized between rounds, that we were pretty compatible outside the bed too and decided to be monogamous and we were together.
It wasn't 3-4 months until she moved in with me, and by the end of the year, we were engaged. Everything felt perfect. She was a super awesome girl. Laid back, fun, sexy, and the best sex of my life. She was hands down the hottest girl i'd ever been with as well. If you asked me then, i'd have no complaints. Just totally smitten.
Our adventurous life took us all over from NYC to rural farmland where we tried our hand at that too. We packed a lot of experiences and living into that time and became even more hardcore partners and friends. We still were having great sex too. Of course i'd notice other girls, but I never longed for them or anything.
Then in kinda a "slow" period she had the thoguht that she was always bi curious and wanted to try playing with a girl, etc.. this lead us into the swinging lifestyle which we had a couple great experiences and a couple not so great experiences. Of course I loved it, as what guy wouldn't! But I noticed something strange. I ended up looking forward to kissing and making out with the other girl more than anything. And they loved it too, as apparently I know how to kiss passionately and thats rare.. lol.
Anyway, it hit me that my wife and I never kissed.. Never made out. She always shied away from it. I could put my mouth anywhere else, but not kissing. I know she found me attractive, i know my breath didnt' smell, and i'm apparently not a bad kisser. I brought it up with her and she's like yeah I dont like kissing.. I'm orally shy. And sure enough, kissing blow jobs, etc.. even opening packages with her mouth.. not her thing.
Around the same time, we were hitting some financial stresses, were in rural america with no friends or family around, and we both put on some weight and looked a bit "frumpy". We ended the swinging thing, as it started to feel a bit funky. And we ended up not being very physical either. I changed up our diet and tried to get us healthy again. I lost weight and got back in shape, and she just had no interest and started looking even frumpier.
I think with all of the stressors of life, with no social outlets, reduced sex, and now I didn't even find her attractive really. Things like her not kissing me started to REALLY bother me to the point where i'd get jealous of couples on TV kissing. Then things crept up on me like things that never bothered me before started too. My wife is really tall for a woman, 5'11.. actually 1 inch taller than me. I have seriously never noticed it before.. but all the sudden it was bothering me so much. I guess with the frumpiness and added weight, she wasn't just tall, but big. I just found myself completely not attracted to her.. at all.
Of course I felt HORRIBLE. I want nothing more than to love and want my wife. I miss the days where i felt like i was the luckiest guy in the world.. and while the chick at the grocery story is hot.. i didn't care. NOW.. literally everywhere I look I see women or couples and i'm always comparing them to my wife. Like "that guy is so lucky, he has a cute short wife that probably kisses him". BTW I know how ridiculous this is. Who knows what issues they have. But thats the first thing that pops in my head.
I've tried gratitude and putting more weight on the fact that she is a great wife. But i'm not sure how I get over this physical thing and lack of desire that feels so permanent. Anyone go through this?
So my wife and I met in our mid 20's in NYC. We were both single and actually met in the casual encounters section of Craigslist just sharing sexy stories. We never intended to meet, or even swap pics. This went on for a bit and finally we swapped pics and liked each other. We decided to meet up one night at a bar, have a drink and see. Well after that drink we were all over each other all the way back to her apartment and had the hottest sex of our lives. Over and over. We of course decided to see each other again, because damn why not? And one thing led to another and realized between rounds, that we were pretty compatible outside the bed too and decided to be monogamous and we were together.
It wasn't 3-4 months until she moved in with me, and by the end of the year, we were engaged. Everything felt perfect. She was a super awesome girl. Laid back, fun, sexy, and the best sex of my life. She was hands down the hottest girl i'd ever been with as well. If you asked me then, i'd have no complaints. Just totally smitten.
Our adventurous life took us all over from NYC to rural farmland where we tried our hand at that too. We packed a lot of experiences and living into that time and became even more hardcore partners and friends. We still were having great sex too. Of course i'd notice other girls, but I never longed for them or anything.
Then in kinda a "slow" period she had the thoguht that she was always bi curious and wanted to try playing with a girl, etc.. this lead us into the swinging lifestyle which we had a couple great experiences and a couple not so great experiences. Of course I loved it, as what guy wouldn't! But I noticed something strange. I ended up looking forward to kissing and making out with the other girl more than anything. And they loved it too, as apparently I know how to kiss passionately and thats rare.. lol.
Anyway, it hit me that my wife and I never kissed.. Never made out. She always shied away from it. I could put my mouth anywhere else, but not kissing. I know she found me attractive, i know my breath didnt' smell, and i'm apparently not a bad kisser. I brought it up with her and she's like yeah I dont like kissing.. I'm orally shy. And sure enough, kissing blow jobs, etc.. even opening packages with her mouth.. not her thing.
Around the same time, we were hitting some financial stresses, were in rural america with no friends or family around, and we both put on some weight and looked a bit "frumpy". We ended the swinging thing, as it started to feel a bit funky. And we ended up not being very physical either. I changed up our diet and tried to get us healthy again. I lost weight and got back in shape, and she just had no interest and started looking even frumpier.
I think with all of the stressors of life, with no social outlets, reduced sex, and now I didn't even find her attractive really. Things like her not kissing me started to REALLY bother me to the point where i'd get jealous of couples on TV kissing. Then things crept up on me like things that never bothered me before started too. My wife is really tall for a woman, 5'11.. actually 1 inch taller than me. I have seriously never noticed it before.. but all the sudden it was bothering me so much. I guess with the frumpiness and added weight, she wasn't just tall, but big. I just found myself completely not attracted to her.. at all.
Of course I felt HORRIBLE. I want nothing more than to love and want my wife. I miss the days where i felt like i was the luckiest guy in the world.. and while the chick at the grocery story is hot.. i didn't care. NOW.. literally everywhere I look I see women or couples and i'm always comparing them to my wife. Like "that guy is so lucky, he has a cute short wife that probably kisses him". BTW I know how ridiculous this is. Who knows what issues they have. But thats the first thing that pops in my head.
I've tried gratitude and putting more weight on the fact that she is a great wife. But i'm not sure how I get over this physical thing and lack of desire that feels so permanent. Anyone go through this?
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You gave us some good background, but for the best advice from fellow travelers, answer the Triage questions (Forum Basics in the top menu). Answer them in this thread, using as many posts as necessary for complete answers.
Have you read or watched any of Athol's material? The Married Guy's Guide to Wife is an excellent video series, and I recommend it first.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
What happens when you kiss/caress/get all make-out with her?
And like Hilda said, we're all throwing darts blindfolded here without a solid Triage. Have you read MMSLP? Have no way to gauge what's at play here without much more info...
How will you live well today?