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1. “Physical”: gym rats, super buff, play sports, display muscles
2. “Stereotypical guy”: man’s man, watches football, chops wood, beard, hunting, car racing
3. “Peacock”: playa, dress, grooming, display resources, show high libido, fancy car
4. “Impulsive”: edgy, dangerous, extreme sports, risk-taker
5. “Leadership”: social status, power, career, personal power, social dominance, AMOG
6. “Smart”: intelligence, creativity, education, skills, artist/musician
For myself I am very strong in "smart" and "physical", OK on "guy stuff" and "peacock", but I am relatively weak on "leadership" (I am naturally introverted) and basically not impulsive or a risk-taker at all.
What are some simple things to do to improve those weak areas? Keep in mind I am a 50 year old suburban guy with a wife and kids. "Doing more" to get ahead at work is a long-term thing that I need to think about. But are there any quick fixes to improve social status/social dominance? What would be a "reasonable" risk-taking activity to do?
Comments
All men have these traits, in individual mixes. [Women have similar mixes.] People are attracted to different mixes.
The goal is to shine in your strong areas, and make sure your weak areas don't bring you down. And to understand that your woman (current or future) has preferences in the brands she finds most attractive — hopefully, her desires match your strong areas.
For example, I'm **strongly** attracted to Smart, and minimally interested in Physical (good health is enough for me). Too much Impulsivity turns me off. I am not attracted to gym rat skydivers who can't do their own taxes
What's your mix? What's your wife's ideal man's mix?
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
You might want to take a look at 2 books, John Maxwell's "21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership" (short summary can be found at this link), and Robert Greenleaf's "The Servant as Leader." Greenleaf's views are IMHO quite aligned with Athol's view of the leader as Captain. Think about how you could apply these concepts in your life, personally and professionally.
And, even if you change, your wife likely will need to see the "new you" for an extended period of time before on a subconscious level, she believes the changes are real and lasting.
It would be helpful if you posted your triage and MAP. You will get much better advice when we have more context.
Note - If you a FO with a Lazy Bear or Low-T husband, ignore everything I say. It probably doesn't apply
"As he works on his MAP, he's going to do things that piss you off. He has to." - Steu2817
"In a world of Alpha's there is no peace for anyone.....welcome to Somalia enjoy your stay" - Highlander2
You don't have excel at all brands. I know my wife is attracted to both smart and physicality. Good. Got those covered. Peacocking and impulsivity, not so much. If I came home with a shiny new motorcycle, she'd likely call me a dick and issue an ultimatum. She would rank impulsivity at about zero.
Got it?
And being an introvert does not equate to lack of leadership.
If so, please tell me what you don't agree with.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
My wife (as I have found out since I started mapping) is very attracted to leadership, spontaneity (and also found out during sex) muscles. Before I started working out, she wouldn't touch me all that much during sex. Now that I have burned off a lot of body fat and gained muscle, she is always rubbing my arms and back during sex.
I believe women are attracted to attitude (strong frame) as much as anything else. I used to THINK I was awesome, (not sure how my wife felt about that). Once I got to the point where I KNEW I was awesome, things changed.
Ive never been a sports guy but do have a brown belt in TKD. I like fishing, riding 4 wheelers, motorcycles but am not obsessed with anything in particular and watching sports on tv (in my opinion) is a total waste of time.
I have always been (in my opinion) very smart and she is definitely attracted to that.
Self confidence is something I had to work on quite a bit (women love confident men). That was my low hanging fruit. As @Tennee always says, get in front of the mirror and growllllll! to myself "I'm awesome!!" It works!!
Leadership/decision making was another low hanging fruit. I gave it up to my wife years ago. She was always trying to hand it back to me but I refused to take it. I never made a decision and it pissed her off to no end!! When I finally started to take the leadership and decision making back, she readily handed it over. There was no pushback. She didn't want the job. That made me more attractive to her.
If you feel you are lacking in any given area, try adding just a bit to it and see what happens. Upping your fitness and looking after your health should always be top priority. Dressing nicely should be a close second. It's nice to be able to go out at a moments notice without having to change.
Nobody expects people to just go skydiving but stepping a little out of our comfort zone does show initiative.
The big thing though is, you should be making these kinds of changes because YOU want to be a better (desirable man) not because you think it's what your wife wants. Taking charge of your life is sexy. Being happy is sexy. Having your shit together is, well, you get the idea.
Spontaneous can be as simple as "hey there's a new restaurant up the street- let's go check it out".
"What do you want for dinner tonight?"
Wrong: "I don't know, I guess whatever you want to cook."
Right: "Lasagna"
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
Extroverts - those that gain energy by being around people are no more likely to lead than Introverts - those that lose energy being around people. Actually introverted and extroverted have almost nothing to do with leadership. Those are completely separate issues.
Triage: Removed for now
MAP: Removed for now
Enneagram 3w2
Don't falsely equivocate leadership with extrovert.
In the video, Athol directly states these are the "six different types of guys" (video 4, roughly 4:15 into it) and I'm not sure why people want to take issue with this since it's not important anyway.
"Go figure out which brands of attractiveness your wife likes" is indeed one of the assignments in video 7, but that's not what I'm asking here.
No, you don't have to excel at all brands, but as he says you do have to meet a certain minimum requirement. He also says that improving your weak areas yields larger immediate benefits in attractiveness than trying to make incremental additional gains in areas where you are already strong.
My weak areas, as I said, are impulsiveness / risk-taking and leadership / social dominance. So I am looking for ways to improve those, and asking what other people who are strong in those areas do to display them.
Although a natural introvert, I know very well that I have to display leadership qualities (which means being more extroverted) at work to show leadership and social value in that context. Also, if and when I am challenged in my area of professional expertise (which basically means they are challenging my smarts), I become much more extroverted and aggressively display my smarts. But wife doesn't see any of this because it happens at work. So how to display social dominance so that she can see it more readily is the dilemma.
For example, Stereotypical Manliness is among my worst, but it's also my wife's least favorite. Too much actually turns her off, to the point where she has a low ceiling for that brand. So, spending time maximizing that is going to have very little overall gains. Even though my stereotypical guy 'score' is moderately low, I don't lose a lot of attraction by NOT growing a beard she hates or playing with guns that she's afraid of, etc. Whereas, emphasizing the brands that she is highly attracted to where I've slipped off a bit is going to yield a much higher payoff. So, telling intelligent jokes and solving everyday problems like packing the car lights up her 'smart' category, which is incidentally her favorite brand.
It's a mixture of what she likes most and what you've fallen behind on most.
I don't know if this works for you, but I've taken to thinking of it in terms of -- how do I most effectively become who I was at 25 when she fell madly in love with me? Honestly, my general solution/approach has basically been -- just be that incredible guy, with a side of awesome dad since we have kids now too.
I don't think becoming "dangerous" is what you need to do, honestly as an introvert just showing you can get out of your comfort zone can leave a strong impression.
I can fill my wife's impulsivity bucket easily by spontaneously suggesting something fun, and that'll do just fine for a very good long while. I can fill her peacocking/display bucket simply by putting on a nice suit and tie and going off to work. She ranks these low. I don't need to bother too much with these. And in fact, if I turned up the dial too much on impulsivity or display, that would definitely not be attractive to her. It would be a -1 (or worse) to attraction, and probably also to RC (especially with regard to impulsivity).
On the other hand, I better not let smart and physicality slip. She ranks these high.
The other brands she would rank somewhere in the middle. I could (and possibly should) improve these, but definitely not if there is a cost to smart and physicality.
I'm that guy asking tough questions after a presentation, because I want further explanation and most of the people around me are too self-conscious to raise their hand, even the extroverts, for fear they are perceived as not understanding the material.
I'm the guy who sees people milling around trying to decide what to do and I step up and organise it into a plan.
I'm the guy who boils down the discussion points in a meeting to a workable solution.
I'm the guy who takes on leadership not because I'm a "leader" but because somebody has to do it and I have no fear of taking the hits when things don't go according to plan because I know we can still get through it.
Leadership:
- Chooses where to go for dinner (works if he chooses between 2 things I suggest, but is best if he just suggests a place on his own).
- Tells me his plans for something - i.e. what he wants to accomplish around the house over the weekend
- Enlists me as his helper on a project
- Steps in to handle parenting stuff without my having to ask or handhold him through it
- Leads the way physically - i.e. takes my hand and guides me to wherever we're walking, puts his hand on my back to guide me through a door
- Social dominance can be as simple as him being the one to go to the hostess at a restaurant to put our name on the list or alerting the server if there's an issue with the food or if we need more of something.
- States his opinions and reasoning clearly and confidently when discussing family decisions
- Generally, acts as AMOG of our family
Impulsivity:
- Going somewhere new for date nights, or even just for lunch with the kids.
- Randomly suggesting a family outing (i.e. "Let's take the kids for snow cones now.")
- Unexpected date nights (make sure you arrange for childcare if needed, so she's excited instead of stressed out about finding a babysitter).
- An occasional unexpected surprise - i.e. leaving her a little treat on the counter, a random note in her lunch (could be sweet or could just be a funny joke), bringing home a little something unexpected from her favorite bakery, or even a silly drawing on the bathroom mirror. Anything that would be surprising.
- If she's the type of girl who can handle it, get playful. Jump out from behind a doorway and make her squeal.
- Anything that makes her feel like she can't predict exactly what you're going to do next every second of every day is going to help build this brand a little. If your wife isn't a 9-10 in impulsive, you probably don't need to go skydiving or motorcycle racing to fill her bucket.
Which gets to the point others have made - be sure you're focusing on efforts where you'll see the most bang for your buck. How do you think your wife rates each brand of attraction and where do you fall (under, within, or over her range)? Then work on the ones that are not aligned. If she's prefers a 2 in impulsive and you rate a 1, that's a little gap. But if she's needs a 7 on leadership and you're a 2, then that's where you focus your energy.
Fitocracy: atxchick
Enneagram 6w5, married to a 5
The ones you really get a surprising amount of mileage for are those you didn't plan on, which just happened in front of her as a side-effect of you being awesome. When they occur in front of other women who then collectively subconsciously all ooze this "damn, I wish that was my man" vibe, then you're golden.
This simple thing counts for so much.
I'm yet another introvert who does leadership. It can work well because I am willing to consult with people.