Ladies: Desire for Sex or Sex+Orgasm?

Beans

I know this question has probably been asked in more ways than one but I can't find specifically what I'm asking.

Ladies: When you're in the mood, green...hoping your spouse initiates, etc.....is your desire just for sex (eg. the closeness with your partner) or sex with an orgasm (eg. the release)?

Winter

Depends on the day ; )  

LadyOrTheTyger

Orgasm.  

SignorePillolaRossa

even thinking this question up in your head is a pretty strong indicator that you are in her frame instead of in your own ... the answers you seek are not in this thread ... the answers you'll get in this thread are an illusion when it comes to your marriage

i get it, i've been there ... but it's the wrong track

MAP on ... lead in bed ... hold your wife responsible for clearly communicating if she wants to cum or just enjoy the intimacy ... bring mass quantities of positive energy to bed and enjoy yourself in an expressive, generous, adaptive way

good luck 

frillyfun

I can count on one hand the number of times I've thought "it's ok- I don't need/want to O".  But it doesn't matter, because I'm not your wife.

Be present, and willing, and go with SPR's advice.  I think it's generally a good move to offer one, and let her be the one to say no but YMMV.

Beans

SignorePillolaRossa said:

even thinking this question up in your head is a pretty strong indicator that you are in her frame instead of in your own ... the answers you seek are not in this thread ... the answers you'll get in this thread are an illusion when it comes to your marriage

i get it, i've been there ... but it's the wrong track

You're right...I wouldn't even try to deny it. I've mentioned in my threads that I let it get to me and I need to stop letting it bother me (I'm working on that), she doesn't know this and I don't bring it up or let on that I feel a certain way when she can't because I don't want her to feel pressured.

The conflict I have is that I enjoy making her orgasm (which doesn't come easy for her, no pun intended)...that is what turns me on, it's a big part of my "sexual flavor" if that is the right way to call it. I've always been this way since I've been sexually active, so would that still be considered not in my frame? 

What led to my question is that I feel like I've been missing some greens now that things are improving for us. I don't want to continue missing these and her feeling rejected when I'm always down for a quickie...but most of the time I would want more (but she may not need/want more), so I was curious to hear some perspectives knowing full well that they may not apply in my case.

SignorePillolaRossa

you're on the right path - just keep workin it

i get it - i really do - i've enjoyed that since i was first sexually active (i can still get a raging hard on just remembering what my first partner's responsiveness was when i gave her multiple Os orally - and it happened 35 yrs ago!) ...it is so fuckin sexy to feel and see and hear my wife climax ... to be part of that energy and to kinda sorta feel a little bit in control of the unleashing of that much energy is a killer high  ... who wouldnt enjoy that, who wouldnt be turned on ... 

but we have to switch it around to understand that it is the result of us NOT pursuing it - NOT being in her frame that makes it more possible and more frequent ... taking away every bit of pressure makes it more possible ... and the way to do that is to just not mention it , especially before hand ... 

to me, the way to stop missing greens is to pursue often and be AWESOME at OI ... i have really taken to assuming nearly everything my wife does is a version of 'Jen's foot dangle' ... i convert maybe 5% of these to sex but i convert 100% of them to a giggle and a smack and knowing that i put sex on her mind ... she has even said once 'how do you always seem to know when i want sex?' ... i mauled her and said 'pheromones' ... 

one thing i did in the beginning was to tell myself in advance that 'the next one is a quickie' so i intentionally initiated when i knew we didnt have time for a long-y ... hard ride to poundtown , smacked her ass , said 'you're welcome, that'll have to hld you over til we get back tonight ... now get dressed, we gotta leave' ... she giggled and scampered away bare-assed to get ready ... and damn if she didnt initiate that night when we got back cus she wanted 'hers'

i also made use of long term running averages ... she almost never wants to 'try to cum' before bed (it takes her anywhere from 30-45 minutes or more of focused, varied, unpredictable external and/or internal digital stimulation to cum)  ... so night time sex is essentially always quickies where she just wants to feel me inside her and my arms around her ... sometimes, if she is on top, she'll fall asleep happily with me inside her afterwards ... other times, i'll pull her along side me with her falling asleep with her head on my should and her boobs pressed into my side/chest and her thigh draped over my leg ... but knowing what was typical allowed me to level my expectations and proceed accordingly .. i NEVER say 'wanna try to cum ?' any more

i know what her prelaunch sequence for a long-y is, and she knows i know .... so if i start it, she will say 'no, just come hold me' ... or she'll say nothing and i'll proceed at my own pace enjoying all the festivities during the ramp up (heaven help me if i ever get arthritis or an RSI in my right hand)

OI has to be about what happens during just as much as it has to be about whether anything happens at all ... so as much as i'd love to give more oral, i just go with what i get and keep trying to introduce it back into our setlist

when i use to make it seem like analysis and problem solving and frustration-until-solution, it was a downward spiral ... now that its unadulterated playfulness with passionate energy and pleasure taking, its all good ... sure, i'd love more greenlights for long-ys ... but i know that there'll be another one soon enough so i enjoy the one i have in front of me at that moment

no matter what she says, i can tell that she absolutely loves being treated like my sex object and feeling how much i lust after her ... she did not like feeling pressure of having to respond like a sex puppet... because it is always in the context of a loving marriage, its all good ... so make it all about you, captain ... direct and invite her along ... let her feel how happy you are with her and keep the invitations open for her to join you when she wants to 'try'

youre getting there - keep going

HildaCorners

Beans said:

Ladies: When you're in the mood, green...hoping your spouse initiates, etc.....is your desire just for sex (eg. the closeness with your partner) or sex with an orgasm (eg. the release)?

Yes.


Heads, both, tails, sex only.


Seriously, even though it's been a while for me, when I was Green in my previous 127 marriages, I wanted to be taken. I like Rough (well, more than my husbands did), and wanted the roughness.

I orgasm easily so that wasn't an issue. But when I didn't O, I was just as happy if I felt aggressively desired. And if it was a soft, sensuous love-making session, the Os just didn't matter.

If the above doesn't make sense, watch Athol's video on the 6 brands of sexuality. What we ladies like won't help you unless you give your Lady the brand(s) of sex she likes best.

leoslayer

Ok I'm not a girl but I don't really recall any of the women I've had sex with going ok I don't want to cum.

Who would honestly? Make them cum everytime and just eliminate the question.

Husband3point0

Forget about asking more "do you like chicken" questions of a random sampling of women expecting to determine what your wife wants. Do you want to know what your starved for alpha gangbang porn-watching wife wants? She wants your inner Wolverine to beat your inner Walter Mitty to a pulp, hang him up by his underwear in a gym locker and then go find her and fuck her silly. 

You're killing me Smalls. 

fredless

Hmmm...I've always thought that female orgasm was just a myth.

Angeline

leoslayer said:

Ok I'm not a girl but 

really, you could have stopped here. Many posts on this forum with women saying they are OK just being there for their man, which may or may not lead to her wanting it.

Husband3point0

leoslayer said:

Ok I'm not a girl but I don't really recall any of the women I've had sex with going ok I don't want to cum.

Who would honestly? Make them cum everytime and just eliminate the question.

That's probably because you don't have any relationships with any women that are deep enough for her to get to that place with you -- where her primary enjoyment during a particular session is your pleasure. 

Your sex is all transactional, which is why you can't wrap your head around a deeper connection paradigm. 

CallmeCat

@SignorePillolaRossa omg I wish I could show that post to my hubby. He gets so darn focused on me having an O everytime that it actually puts pressure on me and I feel that they can be harder to reach. Your wife sounds alot like me as I wish I could O fast but can't but for the life of me I wish my husband would just understand that I dont have to O to enjoy sex sometimes I want him to take me and do what he wants for his pleasure that turns me on too. Ugh and I have actually told him that. I need to pound it into his head somehow 

SignorePillolaRossa

@CallmeCat ,  i'll tell ya, it was one of the hardest things to learn to do in practice ... there was a segment of the MMSLPrimer that dealt with this and reading it was like getting hit in the head with a hammer and a gut punch all at the same time ... but i started putting it into practice along with all the other fixes i had to make (OI, no bad alpha, stop being a beta bitch, etc) and slowly saw results

 and here's the kicker - SHE HAD TOLD ME THAT EXACT THING AT LEAST TWICE BEFORE !! ... i can't really explain why it didnt sink in until i read it in the book ... i think part of it was me not trusting her because whenever i DID do 'whatever i want for my pleasure' she'd stop me ... she would 'say' that she  wanted me to 'just take her' but her actions were much closer to 'she wanted me to just give her whatever she was willing to allow' .. and she never said or acted like my 'just taking her' was a turn on for her during/after ... she would just lay their still and quiet so i had no indicator that she had gotten any enjoyment at all from it ... so, again, actions - not words

good luck

leoslayer

Angeline said:

leoslayer said:

Ok I'm not a girl but 

really, you could have stopped here. Many posts on this forum with women saying they are OK just being there for their man, which may or may not lead to her wanting it.

Yes but I have a larger sample size than the women of the forum. So statistically I have a viable point.

I'll ask you if you could have an O 99.8% of the time would you choose not to?

HowlAtTheMoon

As an admitted gangbang porn consumer, I agree with @Husband3point0

Winter

It's not always a choice - some women struggle achieving O's, that shouldn't keep them from having sex and making it as enjoyable as they can/want. 

leoslayer

Winter said:

It's not always a choice - some women struggle achieving O's, that shouldn't keep them from having sex and making it as enjoyable as they can/want. 

Sure if you have a woman that genuinely can't get there easy by herself with toys say in five mins or less.

Husband3point0

leoslayer said:

Yes but I have a larger sample size than the women of the forum. So statistically I have a viable point.

I'll ask you if you could have an O 99.8% of the time would you choose not to?

Your samples are tainted by three different selection biases which heavily pollute your results: (1) women who aren't interested in having an orgasm that evening don't seek you out, (2) because you're solely about Os and not about the deeper connection, women who are interested in a different type of sexual experience won't be with you and (3) since you're never in a relationship for long enough for a deeper connection to build, you aren't exposed to those times when a woman just wants her man to be happy. 

In a strange way, it takes a lot of trust in a man for a woman to have sex with him without an O being her goal. She has to expose another side of herself beyond the primal 'achievement-based' one of chasing an orgasm, regardless of the length or depth of the chase. That's another level of intimacy far beyond what one can get without having a deeper bond between the two, typically reserved for H and W. 

As a corollary to help illustrate the point, there's a reason many porno actors say "no kissing" in scenes. Clearly, if a set of women check the 'anal' box more often than the kissing one, there's something very different between sex and intimacy. 

leoslayer

@Husband3point0 I was married for 16 yrs. I've had LTRs. 

The reality is all guys should up their game to the best of their ability. Because most guys aren't that good.
Only 10% or so are good enough to get a call.back if sex was the only goal for the woman.