New girl, everything fantastic except for one rather large issue

LL80

bstrng said:

Not exactly sure where to take it from here, but im thinking an ultimatum is in order if this doesn't resolve.

Maybe I'm wrong,  but an ultimatum seems like it isn't the best idea in this case. If you want to get rid of her for this issue to find someone else who has no problem with it, then fine, move on. But basically telling her "Suck my dick or I'm leaving" seems like a bad approach.

And your response to her reasoning probably didn't help matters either.

Serenity

An ultimatum may get you oral sex, but it's not going to give you the kind of enthusiastic, passionate oral sex you want.

Do you have to make a decision on this right away? Why not continue to date her for a while and just see how things flow?

If you're having fun with her, and the sex is good, you don't really have a lot to lose. You're not marrying the girl at this point. 

I know there was a lot on my 'no' list before I married my husband that have since turned into happy yes's. So much of it has to do with how comfortable you are with your partner. 

Not exactly sure where to take it from here, but im thinking an ultimatum is in order if this doesn't resolve. I don't want to give her discussion fatigue on this so I'll let her think about it a bit. 

CallmeCat

So she didn't completely rule it out sounds like it may be that she would try it at some point. I guess if everything is great in all other aspects then the question is are you willing to wait and see if you can get it on the menu. My guess is if everything else is great in bed that will just be a matter of when not if. The bright side is you would be able to guide her and get exactly what you want. Or flip side move on and you may find lots of willing blow jobs but will all the other aspects be as good? Your not married so I would say time is on your side. 

bstrng

For me, when someone doesn't want to/ hasn't previously done something, I always wonder what other areas of life she is so principled as to not budge no matter what. This could be a problem long term. BJ is one thing, other matters could be much bigger deals. I've not seen any other areas where she isn't willing to listen/talk/compromise. So advise taken, I'll wait and see for now. Not planning on bringing it up any time soon. Ideally she will come around, if not I will reasses.

amblrgirl

bstrng said:

Alright folks, an update. Everything going great, sex got even better- longer, louder, more frequent. Passionate shit really. However, no progress on the BJ front. Brought it up after sex and she said she has just never done it, doesn't know what to do, and maybe she will do it one day but not now. I made it clear to her that all that made no sense to me - said I won't bring it up again but that it is important to me, and she needs to get over it. Then I walked away. This really is baffling shit to me. She is active in bed. Not exactly sure where to take it from here, but im thinking an ultimatum is in order if this doesn't resolve. I don't want to give her discussion fatigue on this so I'll let her think about it a bit. I kid you not, the compatibility is through the roof in every other area but as someone else mentioned here I refuse to be that guy who doesn't get head. Crazy thing is, she is comfortable with some ass play. But won't give head. WTF.

Wow. So you had awesome sex. Then you asked her about BJs. She told you she was inexperienced and didn't know how. She left the door open to future attempts, but wasn't prepared to dive in right at that moment.

You responded by telling her she made no sense and needed to "get over it" because it was important to you. Then you walked away.

I would be D-O-N-E with that guy. You don't need to ultimatum her, you already practically did. 

Your response looks more like a hissy fit than leadership. A trustworthy leader reassures the new and inexperienced and guides them along, giving them the confidence to try new things and the safety to learn and improve.

A more appropriate response to her would have been:

"I can understand how you might feel unsure since you haven't tried it before. But Baby, anything that involves that beautiful mouth on my cock is going to feel amazing to me. Let me teach you. We'll take it slow and we can stop whenever you need a break. We'll just enjoy trying something new together."

Blackwulf

Her admitting to being inexperienced and not having previously a bad experience is a green light to pursue this in the relationship slowly, not as an ultimatum. 

@EANx post was spot on, you have to lead her to this.  Don't be in a rush.   

Husband3point0

bstrng said:

For me, when someone doesn't want to/ hasn't previously done something, I always wonder what other areas of life she is so principled as to not budge no matter what. This could be a problem long term. BJ is one thing, other matters could be much bigger deals. I've not seen any other areas where she isn't willing to listen/talk/compromise. So advise taken, I'll wait and see for now. Not planning on bringing it up any time soon. Ideally she will come around, if not I will reasses.

Scarcity. Mindset. 

You're addled with it. 

SaigoTakamori

Heed the advice given to you up thread.

fljeep

Got my first BJ from my wife (not my wife then) at 16.  Never got another one until we were 40.   She says now she didn't like to do it, no real reason.  I have an idea it was because I acted like a beta chump for many years.  They started when I said no more.

These days she texts me to get home quick so she can give me one.  It's like a different person I'm married to.  I never know what boundary she's going to erase next. 

Things can change, I had given up on BJs when they reappeared out of the blue.  Who knows...   

StikkyEbi

Wife here, I've read about their being varied views on BJs from men and women. Some men have to have it, some don't care either way, some even don't like them. Some women feel it's their duty, some love giving it, and some hate it. You can't change a woman's mind on their sexual preferences especially on something like a BJ where they pretty much get nothing from it. If she's still willing to have sex regularly then you'll hardly even notice a lack of BJs, but if it's that big of an issue discuss it with her and if she doesn't want to work to compromise on the issue find a different woman so you don't waste her time either.

Truman

I doubt your assertion that all women "pretty much get nothing from it"

CartB4Horse

OP hasn't been here in almost a month.......

bstrng

Sorry folks for dropping off the grid. Advice given here was golden, thank you everyone. Since I last posted, she's given me a few short but good BJs. Never to completion, and always at my initiative (totally cool with the second part). After processing all of this and getting to know her better, this all traces back to a lack of experience and generally her being a bit shy in bed. But it's a bit of a paradox, shy in one way, and yet a total lack of inhibition in others- we've gone out and she's literally rubbed my cock the entire night while standing in front of me in a crowded room/lounge, we kiss for hours in public areas, tons of PDA generally, etc. The kissing is downright animalistic- we basically spit at each other if you know what I mean. Anyway, she is a keeper and I'm willing to work on/accept some of the reseverations in bed (fingers wandered one night, next day she gave me the "never anal" talk, BJs are nowhere near my past relationship etc).

I would say our compatibility in other areas is incredible, but one other issue is sitting on my mind, I'll post on that in a bit.

bstrng

So something else comes up once in a while. Context- we generally see each twice a week with her staying over at least one of the nights. Text throughout the day, every day, call at least twice a day. Exchange I love yous, etc. Some weekends we spend together completely- tons of activities, sex (albeit I would like a bit more but we are constantly on the move so I think the amount he have is reasonable). We always have a great time, our kids spend time together, etc. She's more of a match than any other woman I've had in my life. But of course, there are always the small things... she has a tendency to go MIA for an entire day. Granted, everyone gets busy and we laugh at friends of ours who text incessantly and within seconds of receiving one from the other, I assure you we are not this way nor do I want this, ever. However, she has a pattern of downright not responding to a text for 6-8 hours if she is at a function or tied up. I find this a bit strange given our other interaction. My response so far has been to also "take my time" responding once she texts/calls back (she always does). Just yesterday I texted her a question, needed an answer to something stat, zero response for 8 hours at which point she called me back. I didn't answer, called her back 3 hours later. She said sorry, had a long rough day and I decided not to pile it on her that same day. I also don't want to play passive aggressive games. I don't need responses to sweet nothings if she's busy with kid/work, but I do want her to feel a sense of obligation to respond to an important query or tell me that she "is busy and will get back to me within a reasonable timeframe, not a call 6 hours later. Thoughts?

samson

If it is important, phone.

RedPillRon

It is a little ironic that you drop off the grid and then reappear 4 months later to present a problem regarding your girlfriend going MIA on you! That being said, if it is something that requires an immediate response, state it in the text. Better yet, if you need an instant response......Call her. leave a voice mail. If you still get blown off, than address it.
Don't expect someone to read your mind.

DaddyOh

Don't be that guy who says "My GF doesn't respond to my texts".  

Go out. Be awesome. Don't check your phone every min for a response. Don't live in her frame. 

bstrng

RedPillRon said:

It is a little ironic that you drop off the grid and then reappear 4 months later to present a problem regarding your girlfriend going MIA on you! That being said, if it is something that requires an immediate response, state it in the text. Better yet, if you need an instant response......Call her. leave a voice mail. If you still get blown off, than address it.
Don't expect someone to read your mind.

She was at a function where a call may have been difficult, but a quick text would have easily resolved things. But point taken, I'll follow up.

regarding my being MIA. I was waiting to report back good news. 

bstrng

DaddyOh said:

Don't be that guy who says "My GF doesn't respond to my texts".  

Go out. Be awesome. Don't check your phone every min for a response. Don't live in her frame. 

Agreed. We for sure don't check phone all day. Gets annoying only when radio silence goes on for an entire day.

bstrng

Maybe this is stating the obvious, but in all these areas she's behaving as the product of her past relationship- 1. She and her ex gave each other, in my opinion, too much space. She admits they were just not spending time together as normal couples. 2. Sex in her previous relationship was not adventurous, and so she brings a lack of experience. She has mentioned how our sex is more advanced (LOL), frequent.