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Parts and pieces of this have come up in my other threads but I wanted to isolate it specifically. I keep coming back to this as a large problem source for me and cant seem to get over the hump. I'm just not a happy, content, fun-loving person by default. No matter what I accomplish there is always the next hill to climb. There are SO many things in my life I am happy for but I'm still not happy, if that makes any sense.
If work is too busy or too slow I get stressed (self employed, sole breadwinner). I often prefer not going away places that should be fun, but I see it as work/stress (packing, traffic, crowds, over-priced, all the things I should be doing instead). While we live in a home with land that many people envy, the crazy amount of work needed to keep it up overwhelms me. But I know that if I downsize and 'settle' for a smaller house in a neighborhood I wont be happy with that either.
I have tried fake-it-till-you-make-it which I find tremendously exhausting and cant keep up for long. I have read hundreds of articles, bought e-books and completed the course work. I spoke with my pastor. I have a hobby which I participate in frequently. Have read all Athol's material, coaching with BrianC and Athol.
I suspect this is a root of my relationship problems. All other MAP items are trivial by comparison. I just can't seem to find permanent change. Anywhere, anyhow.
Comments
For me, the root was self loathing/self esteem issues.
Some things you can try:
1. Choosing to love yourself and tell yourself every day that you are awesome.
2. Write down 10 things you like about yourself.
3. Let the idea of perfection go and accept "good enough" for the house, etc.
4. Stop beating yourself up!
5. Do something just for you.
6. Don't try to fix everything, just take one step at a time.
7. Lower your expectations and be pleasantly surprised.
8. Choose to be in a good mood, even when you aren't.
9. Forgive yourself, forgive your wife, forgive your parents, forgive everyone and everything in the past.
10. Go out to the woods, shout at the trees, howl at the moon, pitch a hissy fit, cry -- let those demons OUT.
@monkeydog - thanks for the reply. Just to clarify, you have overcome the issues now? And this list is what helped you do so? I added honest replies to a few items above. Did you encounter similar things when you tried them (mainly #1,#2). How did you overcome that?
I think for me, the "faking it until I make it" I stopped after number 10 (catharsis).
The family left for week at the inlaws, and everything I had been bottling up trying to "keep frame" came out. I yelled at the walls, got drunk, cried to sad country songs, howled at the moon and just let it out and forgave myself and my wife.
I will admit, it was pathetic. But, I think it allowed me to start remembering myself.
I used to be this happy-go-lucky guy, with a great attitude, a hot wife and a great future. Then I looked around and realized I had all these things, but I was taking it for granted and feeling sorry for myself, when I was actually a good person who just needed to suck it up, exercise, be positive and appreciate myself and my family.
All I know, is once I let those emotions go and started owning my shit and trying (even if it comes of as manic) to maintain an upbeat frame, it just sort of took care of itself.
And bring that into the bedroom. You aren't getting pussy, you are giving her the gift of your cock.
Sure, I might just be in the fog of weight loss and early red pill success and could get knocked back at any moment, but I am not going to let day-to-day bullshit upset me any more.
If I can do it, anyone can. If anyone can do it, I can.
1. Keep being ridiculous. Even if if your wife calls you on it. Just do it.
2. Try again. It can even be stupid, like "I have a nice full beard" or whatever.
3. I feel you on the house stuff. Just have to do one thing at a time and stop worrying. Who is judging you on your house? Do your friends come over and say "Wow, Happytrails is a terrible housewife." Probably not. This may be more a disappointment that your wife isn't holding up her end of the chores. Are you going to be on your deathbed wishing you'd finally organized the linen cabinet?
5. Good, keep it up. Maybe change what you are doing if it's not helping.
6. I get it. I too am in a house with 50 different unfinished projects, acreage and overwhelmed by just maintaining. I think you have to get the point where you understand the list will never end and just focus on one task and get it done.
I also see you work out of the house, as do I. This can make you lose perspective and also feel overwhelming, like you just can't get AWAY from work or house -- it's always there in your face and you feel like you can't win on either front. I get it.
You'll get there, just keep plugging away.
I think you need to take a hard look at what is really bothering you deep down.
From what I read, it sounds like you really aren't that interested in your wife.
Why are you working so hard to hold on to something you don't really want?
I'm a happy person, and part of that is that I simply don't give a darn about most things. So, I don't feel bad about not really wanting to go to the country fair. It's hot, crowded, I'm going to spend at least $100, chew on gravel at the demolition derby, the kid's going to have a tantrum- yes, it's considered fun, but is it really? I'm convinced of my "rightness" because I don't really care what most people think anyway.
The other thing that adds to my contentment level is having a big emergency fund. The bigger it is the more my contentment can be separated from my business's sales levels.
If I do feel overwhelmed because we're so busy- I tell myself "that's the best problem to have". Yes, it's a problem, but if you have a choice, would you choose any other? So, all you can do is the best you can, and roll with it. If we're slow my emergency fund gives me some latitude to enjoy the down time- even if that's just sitting on my couch, and watching a guilty pleasure show on Netflix before DS comes home.
I'm also seeing some relatively black, and white thinking here- big farm, or little house in town. Surely there are more property options than that. You seem to know what you don't want, but do you know what you actually want? Daydream about what you ideal house would be knowing what you know now.
It's ok to say "no", it's ok to say "I don't want to", it's ok to settle for "good enough" if it allows you to keep your sanity. It's also ok to say "because I'm the boss that's why" sometimes too (my staff actually cheer when I say "I'm the boss").
Maybe you don't think you're awesome, but can you name 5 things you like about yourself, or about your life? Can you try to reframe some of the more unpleasant parts to see them as a blessing?
That's what I'm trying to do.
Kids and family, finances, I don't see myself doing well back in the dating game.
Kind to others. Organized and punctual. Manage finances well.
I know deep down that I'm not low-energy, unattractive, or boring. I do the things that I consider fun, and interesting. They're likely not everyone's cup of tea, but I'm happy, and that attracts people to me. A person with passion- what makes them turned-on, and alive makes them delightful to be around. Of course, it can get trite if you're only into one thing, but I'd rather be around someone who's into something, than someone who just watches Seinfeld reruns every night after work.
Obviously we all have bills to pay, and carpets to vacuum- but if you can find even 5 minutes a day to do something that brings a smile to your face it makes you more attractive.
Remember- you have to live in your frame- not hers.
We do often compromise on the "what to do" thing. Sometimes I chew gravel at the demolition derby, and sometimes he finds something to do at the mall while I'm at Sephora. That's just how life is.
Do you make plans for weekends/downtime? The "you're boring" thing sounds like she comes up with plans, and you shoot them down. My H, and I talk about plans for the weekend on Thursday nights. He's on some sort of list that emails him about the events going on, and we choose something.
Reframing is kinda sorta looking for the silver lining. Is the glass half-full, or half empty? Same thing, but you can choose to see it in a negative, or a positive light. There's usually a little bit of good in most situations if you look for it.
http://www.ryananswers.com/cognitive-reframing/
"Remember- you have to live in her frame, not yours."
E.T.A. I agree 100% with the rest of it, just not that sentence.
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
It would be a deal breaker for me to have a spouse like that. My sister likes to ski, so it works for them.
In all of the millions of different things you can do to have fun- can you seriously not find a handful of things you both enjoy? Are you that opposite? Is she lacking in curiousity, and ability to compromise?
You didn't answer my question about planning weekends...do you come up with anything, or do you just shoot her down/complain about her ideas?
You have good things, but they don't make you happy. You could enjoy good things, but the experience wouldn't be good enough for you, so it's not worth it to try.
In the cases where I have personally known people like this, there is a deep, unconscious feeling of entitlement. I understand that's probably hard to swallow, but think about it.
You didn't deserve to be born in a wealthy, free country, to genetically viable parents, in socioeconomic circumstances that provided opportunity and basic good health - any more than a crippled slave boy born into the dark ages deserved what he was born into.
You are an extraordinarily lucky man. If that seems true only in the abstract, then that's your problem.
Of course you work hard and make good decisions. But the most elemental facts of your life, and mine, are extremely positive, and due to circumstances entirely out of our control. We don't have to look far to see people who started with less opportunity than we had - and I say that after growing up beneath the poverty line.
If you can start a day by being thankful for "stupid" things you WANT to take for granted, you might gradually find yourself less put out by your first-world problems. Gratitude is an amazingly powerful energy booster but, like heavy muscle, it's a power that takes work to develop.
M.A.P. - http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13574/pen-and-swords-map
@frillyfun
We do find some common ground and do plenty of things but its generally the other way - she shoots down most of my ideas or wants to alter them. Sometimes we agree, sometimes go our separate ways. Its not that she lacks curiosity - she has too much of it and has to do everything, all the time, to an extreme. Last two times I tried planning a weekend getaway, neither were good enough so we didn't go anywhere. If she couldn't turn an overnight trip alone into a 3-4 day adventure, she'd rather not go. She wants to go do things that are either lengthy or somewhat costly (or both).
Take this past weekend for example. We recently were gone a week on vacation. Got back and had a busy week playing catch-up while also getting ready for Fair. Last week was Fair - extremely busy, long week (especially while trying to work too). Up early and out late every day - exhausted. Still a long aftermath list of things to take care of. Sunday morning she's packing up beach stuff. Said that she wants to go borrow a relatives new boat and go boating all day. This had not been discussed, did not call ahead to get permission let alone lessons on how to operate it (and they were out of town), would have cost $150 or more in gas for the day, stress of hauling/launching a borrowed boat around, etc. We had just spent $80 on going to dirt bike races and monster truck show the 2 nights before. It was just way out of line all the way around but pretty typical
Keep planning things and don't let her shoot you down. But be flexible and let her participate. Keep doing it. She wants you to, she just doesn't buy it yet, so she is filling the vacuum.
Can you think of 3 more things you like about yourself?