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Happiness & Contentment

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  • stillasamountainstillasamountain CT, USASilver Member Posts: 521

    Thanks for the idea-may be worth a try. Not sure where to begin but I'll look into it. Is this usually a class-setting or something you do alone at home?

    ... 

    I usually leave quickly when they do the savasana (spelling?) since its almost painful to sit still for 5 minutes. I guess maybe that tells me I NEED to, right?

    I think you are on to something there. It is particularly unfortunate that the people who could most benefit from some quiet sitting are the ones least likely to get started and/or stick with it.

    Going to sit with a local group might help in the beginning, for both instruction and encouragement. Maybe once a week? Then 10 minutes a day at home and some ad hoc moments during the day. The trick would be finding a secular group that doesn't have any background agendas.

    Alternately, it's certainly possible to learn and practice the basics on your own. I have hundreds of books on meditation and Eastern religions. The 5 below are all short, simple, and non-denominational (for the most part). Listed in order of preference.

    Noise Reduction (out of print now and expensive but still the best I've seen)
    Finding the Still Point (comes with a CD which might help)



    “She was 3/4 perfection and 1/4 broken glass.”

  • SallyManderSallyMander Silver Member Posts: 2,087
    "I've always been pretty good about ending my work day around 5pm - not working all evening and missing family dinner/events. But to do so I need to crank it up that much more from 7-5."

    That's excellent, hats off to you, I'm still working on that. Maybe you could take a bit of time during the day, to read, meditate (gasp!), do something that recharges you?

    Do you have a buddy you could talk with? That's a tall order to be responsible for, and I can see why it would make you anxious. I have a far simpler life with some great perks, and I'm still anxious about the future, because it's uncertain.

    So outside of the 7-5 hours, when you're not working on doing whatever you can you lessen that anxiety, can you enjoy yourself and your family? Maybe come up with some fun, inexpensive things to do? Most outdoor activities are dead cheap, once you have the gear (bikes, hiking boots, snowshoes, etc.). 
    spartacus
  • frillyfunfrillyfun East PodunkGold Women Posts: 3,386
    I don't know if this helps but I carve out family time- between 4:30, and about 8:30 I don't do any work.  If I do have leftover work to do I do it after DS goes to bed, but I do mainly avoid it.
  • HappyTrailHappyTrail MidWestSilver Member Posts: 453

    Do you have a buddy you could talk with? That's a tall order to be responsible for, and I can see why it would make you anxious.

    Not really. I did talk to one once but he was going thru a divorce himself. Not the best timing or maybe the best person to get marriage advice from. I tried though because he's one of the more optimistic, fun/likable, successful business people I know well. My best close friend has his own set of issues and I cant see him as being very helpful on this topic. I don't trust opening up to anyone else that I don't know well.

    So outside of the 7-5 hours, when you're not working on doing whatever you can you lessen that anxiety, can you enjoy yourself and your family? Maybe come up with some fun, inexpensive things to do? Most outdoor activities are dead cheap, once you have the gear (bikes, hiking boots, snowshoes, etc.). Its a double edged sword. We do quite a lot of those activities (biking, nature hikes, picnics, etc) but there is always SO much to do at our mini-farm. Wife keeps up the indoors, kids help with basics in and out, but I have to do all the heavy-lifting and more complex tasks. When you take out soccer game nights and other obligations, there is usually 1-2 nights to get everything done - which isn't enough - and sometimes the weather isn't cooperative. So yes, I do force those 'fun' items in but honestly I'm probably not "all in" because I'd rather be checking off things on the to-do list. These are generally minimal necessities - I'm not a perfectionist who needs his yard on a magazine. Its fixing something that's broke, changing oil or wheel bearings or something, killing wasp nests, cutting up a tree that fell, mending a fence the pigs broke, on and on. Whats odd is that the family wants both - our land/privacy/pigs AND to go do things all the time, even though they know I cant always join them. I usually don't mind doing the tasks but I do feel overwhelmed. Bringing this back full circle, I cant decide where the 'happy point' is in all this. Having land/trails/animals/hunting/etc in my backyard brings me happiness. The quantity of work does not. I already delegate all that I can and they do a good job. Cant really lower expectations for myself as I'm pretty much doing the minimum just to keep things 'decent' and operational.
  • HappyTrailHappyTrail MidWestSilver Member Posts: 453
    frillyfun said:
    I don't know if this helps but I carve out family time- between 4:30, and about 8:30 I don't do any work.  If I do have leftover work to do I do it after DS goes to bed, but I do mainly avoid it.
    That's exactly what I've always done too. But its actually better for me to sometimes skip the gym and start work early rather than go back to work late
  • HappyTrailHappyTrail MidWestSilver Member Posts: 453

    @SallyMander Good stuff - thanks for spelling that out. I even just printed it to remind myself.

    I do write out to-do lists. I'm naturally a planner/organizer. I have found though that I need to keep the list out of sight during the workday or I get anxious thinking about it all.

    SallyMander
  • SallyManderSallyMander Silver Member Posts: 2,087
    Believe me, getting and staying out of the worry rut is my lifetime work, and I think it's pretty endemic. I think it's great that you're dealing with it head on. Most people double-down (work harder! longer! faster!) or self-medicate in some unhealthy way.
    AngelinePen_and_Sword
  • HappyTrailHappyTrail MidWestSilver Member Posts: 453
    Scarlet said:
    It is not okay that your family enjoys this at your expense.  First, teenage boys are capable of changing oil, fixing wheels, and mending fences.  Second, grown women are capable of the same.  Expect more from those around you.  

    I don't completely disagree, and I do have them help at times. The bigger issue is timing. When I'm available they often aren't. Practices/games, jobs, homework, etc. They are not capable of doing these on their own. Or at least I don't trust that they are doing it correctly without supervision and cant risk burning out a trailer bearing on the hwy or blowing up an engine. Sweeping the garage or mowing, yes, but not jacking a car up and getting under it. A friend lost his 15 yr old that way a few yrs back. But to your general premise, I will look for ways to improve on this.

    My oldest has severe asthma so he's limited on what he can do outside and especially in the barn - where I need help the most. He's also extremely busy with advanced level schooling, college essay's/applications/testing and he is doing a LOT of tutoring jobs (which pay very well by the way). My middle son is the most mechanical-minded but he's the one we've had the most challenges with emotionally. We need to be cautious of following a routine and not overloading him or it sets him off. Its a process but we're making good progress with him. The youngest is our soccer star and the least dependable. He's fine on basic tasks but way too immature yet to re-pack a set of wheel bearings on his own.

  • SallyManderSallyMander Silver Member Posts: 2,087
    Maybe have an "all hands on deck" blackout period during the week? My (tiny) family kinda did this on Saturday mornings -- that was project time. We finished up and often did something fun together.

    p.s. @HappyTrail, when I mentioned a buddy to talk to, I was thinking life stuff, not marriage stuff, per se. It's important for well-being to have a couple of those kind of people outside your family to connect with. A huge red for a lot of guys are friendships, and they're super-important for your health. It's been tied to longevity and all sorts of things...
    Angeline42andatowelKattJellyBean
  • HappyTrailHappyTrail MidWestSilver Member Posts: 453
    SallyMander said:

    p.s. @HappyTrail, when I mentioned a buddy to talk to, I was thinking life stuff, not marriage stuff, per se. It's important for well-being to have a couple of those kind of people outside your family to connect with. A huge red for a lot of guys are friendships, and they're super-important for your health. It's been tied to longevity and all sorts of things...
    Yeah, we talked specifically about the self-esteem/happiness thing, not just marriage. I was doing exercises from a book and needed a friend to help. He was the only one I felt I could ask. He said he was not available to go thru the whole thing with me but we met once and hit a few highlights. Needless to say I couldn't complete the 'homework'. Same goes for No More Mr Nice Guy - it really requires having a friend involved. I have plenty of acquaintances but few true friends that are close enough to be this vulnerable with. One to be exact.
  • JellyBeanJellyBean Sunny SoCalGold Women Posts: 5,054
    Your friend's 15 year old kid was killed by a car that was improperly jacked up!?? Oh my god. That takes my breath away. 
    Enneagram type 9w1
    Tiger_Lily
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