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I am 42, my spouse is 39. We got married when I was 25 and she was 22. We have been married or 17 years. We have three children, 12, 10, and 6.
Realistically we are both 8 or 9s. I’m 5’ 10” she is 5’ 6”, I weigh 160 she weighs 125? I work out 3 times a week and run, I have six pack, still working on building up my muscles but my wife seems to like my body. She works out we she can, usually running 2-3 times a week, yoga, and our weekly rock climbing date. She is naturally a hottie and has a lot of sex appeal.
No medications. She had and IUD up until last month now we just use her cycle, and condoms.
I have a great job, I’m in great shape, no debt (but very little savings), great neighborhood, no illnesses. She is in school fulltime in an accelerated program that takes a lot of her time. She spends more time with her class mates than her family.
I have been addicted to pornography for several years but am currently porn free since April 2016. My wife hates porn and the way it portrays sex, and blames if for the way approach sex, and she is probably right.
As mentioned above, pornography addiction. She has a hard time trusting me. As an example, last night I got out of bed for a few minutes and she woke up wondering where I was and told me she was worried I was looking at porn even though I haven’t looked since April.
Several months ago (April 2016, the same time I stopped looking at porn), my wife went on a humanitarian trip with her university for two weeks. She got emotionally close with one of her fellow students. She said that he was able to give her what is missing in our relationship. He fulfilled her needs and turned her on. Since then we have had many discussions about our relationship and what I’m not giving her. She gives me lots of examples of what I do that bother her: I’m too needy, I don’t give her her space, I’m always checking up on her, I’m too eager to please, I’m always there, easy to get, not a challenge, I always want sex, if she initiates sex I give in immediately, etc. I’m kind of a little puppy dog, very cute but can be annoying and needs a lot of attention. I hate that comparison but it is pretty true.
Although she said that there was nothing physical between them except they danced together at a party, there was a lot of flirting, long conversations etc.
My wife is very sexual and sensual. The issue is that I don’t know how to bring that out of her and in fact do the exact opposite. I really want to be able to satisfy and fulfill her needs (the before-sex needs) but I always seem to do the opposite.
She has friends that are male (including the guy above) that she has to talk to at school a lot. She also texts them but promises that the texts are school related. I am reluctant to completely believe that they are all school related but I don’t think she is cheating on me, and if she was I don’t think she would be able to keep it a secret. She told me about the DB (douche bag) mentioned above right when she got home from the trip.
One day she come home “all jacked up on dopamine” from being around the other DB all day. Although we had some family plans she put a movie on for the kids, took me upstairs and we fucked for a couple hours. I think that if she was cheating on me she would have just fucked the DB at school.
As for me, I have stayed away from porn.
Comments
Triage of my relationship questions 6-10
Question Six – When Did the Sex Go Bad?
The actual sex (for me) in our relationship is actually fantastic. We have had some crazy, fantasy fulfilling sex, and it has been great. However it has never been frequent enough. Sometimes we have sex twice a week, sometimes even more, but sometimes we go 3+ weeks without sex. It’s not just the amount of sex either. It’s that my wife just isn’t into it. I don’t like mercy fucks but I’ll take them sometimes. Usually I’m really turned on and she isn’t turned on at all. When she gets turned on it is fantastic. I don’t think she has been really sexually satisfied since before we were married. As we have had these recent open conversations she said that she married me because of all the other wonderful things I am but that I have never really turned her on except when we first started dating.
So the reason sex isn’t enough is because I don’t turn her on. I don’t turn her on because I’m not alpha male enough. I’m not assertive enough, I rely on her too much, and don’t make my own decisions, the kids aren’t obedient to me (or her a lot of the time, they are a strain on our relationship), I’m jealous of the time she spends with others, etc. (see the list above as well).
My wife and I had a conversation this morning about how she likes strong, confidence men who are in control sexually. Not that she likes to be told what to do, but that she would like it if I wasn't crazy about sex all the time, if I could control myself more. I'm too needy and my neediness shows my lack of confidence.
To illustrate the point about being too crazy about sex (I'll try not to be too graphic). After our long talk this morning where we were both frustrated she was still laying on the bed in her panties. I seized the opportunity and started licking between her legs. She responded very positively so I licked and sucked more. She enjoyed it so I pretty much started eating her out. So we went from nothing to me eating her out in about 20 seconds. When we talked about it later she told me how much she enjoyed it at first but that I gave it to her way too quickly. She could have really gotten turned on but didn't because I went way to fast. Beside just going slower, I need help with the little things that turn her on. She thinks we aren't sexually compatible. We may not be but I really want to do all I can to turn her on and become sexually compatible. I can't change who I am but I can change the process etc.
Question Seven – What Was the Sex Like at the Start of the Relationship?
It was fine, we are both religious and didn’t (or shouldn’t have had – we did a couple of times) premarital sex. So it was new to me. I wasn’t sure what to expect but based on the porn I had seen I thought that she was supposed to be super turned on and I was supposed to fuck her like crazy. The sex was fine when we got married but as I mentioned above I wasn’t fulfilling her needs even then.
Question Eight – What’s the Elephant in the Room?
I don’t think there is an elephant in the room. I’ve talked about my addiction to porn, her desires for the other guy, her not being turned on by me. I think that’s about it.
Question Nine – Who is the Leader in your Marriage?
She is but I’m working to change that.
Question Ten – Tell Us About the Good Times
I don’t think it was ever going really really well in all aspects. If I ever though it was I was most likely the only one. There are a lot of things about our relationship that are great. We are both very active outdoors, we like to rock climb, run, camp, go on dates, etc. As I mentioned previously, I don’t turn her on. She tells me I’m hot and super sexy and I think my body gets her going but once we start kissing etc. she loses the feeling and we both get discouraged. I really need help in seduction techniques, how to become an alpha male, being myself and making my own decisions, being more assertive, and driving her crazy before the sex actually starts. I think if I could do that she would probably still be attracted to other guys (like I’m still attracted to other girls) but she would be fulfilled with me.
I have read the Married Man Sex Life and found it very helpful. I’m trying to implement changes based on that. And I ordered and just received the Mindful Attraction Plan in the mail yesterday.
I’m glad I found the books and this community and I really think it will help me make the changes I need to make to be desirable to my wife and save our marriage.
If I’ve missed anything I’m happy to answer any questions.
I am sure you'll find lots of insight in the MAP book and you will be able to identify areas of growth.
If you want us to be unapologetically feminine, be unapologetically masculine.
She he told you what she's looking from you. She laid it out.
Also, stop the chatter. You don't need to dissect every sexual experience. You don't need validation.
Action over words. Trust me, she does not get turned on by you talking.
I came from the same place as you. This is very familiar territory for me. You can do this!
Thanks @UnBetaMe
She's told you what she wants. Now STFU and do it. Become a leader. No more talking about everything.
How are you with shit tests? Is she giving you 'fetch' requests?
"Treating her like a princess didn't make me a prince, it made me a servant."
Link to triage questions: http://marriedmansexlife.com/triage-your-relationship-and-the-911-er-category/
Have you watched Married Guys Guide to Wife? Especially the parts where Athol discusses different brands ... it sounds like your wife wants a man whose "brand strengths" are different than what you've been showing her.
If you bring more of those things out in yourself, she will probably develop more attraction for you.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
She doesn't really do the shit tests, at least not that I have identified.
Becoming a leader would definitely help, and I'm working on it. Thanks for the feedback.
I believe the general consensus is that the video series will yield a much quicker insight to what you need to know. The MAP and Primer books are still essential reading, but the videos are a quicker way to digest the same info.
Best of luck.
This is called "orbiting"
Ok, tou.mentioned reading and finishing MMS book. ( I recommend you watch the video series) ... Name 3 things you are going to DO this week to start the process.
Action Mindset Bubba
Fate favors the prepared.
Your wife is close to entering into an affair and she knows it. She's telling you about this student because she wants you to alpha up and stop her...give her a reason not to enter an affair. It's time to become awesome.
You ever fuck her with little regard for her orgasm? You know, just use her for your pleasure? Your wife is screaming to be taken and fucked through the mattress.
Although you say your wife is not fitness testing you, there is no doubt that she is. Given that you can't identify these tests, most likely you are failing every one.
Get some guy friends. Go rock climbing without her. Take her on dates somewhere else that's fun (but don't tell her where--just tell her what time to be ready and what to wear).
No more talking to your wife about sex. Seriously. Just shut the fuck up. You want sex? Just take her. Pick her up, carry her to bed--go caveman. She gives you a direct 'no' or rejects you, smile at her, shrug your shoulders like you're surprised she would reject your magical penis, and go find something to do.
And remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Don't expect miraculous changes in a month...or two months...or six months. I've been at this since April 2011 and I continue to learn and improve. You can make great improvements but it will be effort and work.
I can almost guarantee you're going to make the same mistake most men (me included) make when we begin this process. The primary reason you are going to MAP is to get more sex with your wife, and that is a covert contract. A covert contract will make you less attractive. The main reason for you to MAP is to become awesome. Really and truly awesome. It feels great to KNOW that you are awesome. And when you are awesome, and you know it, your confidence will attract women. Lots of women. The hope is that it is your wife. And it probably will be her. But there are no promises.
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net