My Triage - read it, I need some help. :)

Runner2016Runner2016 USSilver Member Posts: 48

Triage of my Relationship

 

Question One – Basic Questions

I am 42, my spouse is 39. We got married when I was 25 and she was 22. We have been married or 17 years. We have three children, 12, 10, and 6.

Realistically we are both 8 or 9s. I’m 5’ 10” she is 5’ 6”, I weigh 160 she weighs 125? I work out 3 times a week and run, I have six pack, still working on building up my muscles but my wife seems to like my body. She works out we she can, usually running 2-3 times a week, yoga, and our weekly rock climbing date. She is naturally a hottie and has a lot of sex appeal.

Question Two – Rule Out Medical

No medications. She had and IUD up until last month now we just use her cycle, and condoms.

Question Three – Rule Out Structural Attraction Issues

I have a great job, I’m in great shape, no debt (but very little savings), great neighborhood, no illnesses. She is in school fulltime in an accelerated program that takes a lot of her time. She spends more time with her class mates than her family.

I have been addicted to pornography for several years but am currently porn free since April 2016. My wife hates porn and the way it portrays sex, and blames if for the way approach sex, and she is probably right.

Question Four – Rule Out Critical Moments and Neglect

As mentioned above, pornography addiction. She has a hard time trusting me. As an example, last night I got out of bed for a few minutes and she woke up wondering where I was and told me she was worried I was looking at porn even though I haven’t looked since April.

Question Five – Rule Out Outside Sexual Sources

Several months ago (April 2016, the same time I stopped looking at porn), my wife went on a humanitarian trip with her university for two weeks. She got emotionally close with one of her fellow students. She said that he was able to give her what is missing in our relationship. He fulfilled her needs and turned her on. Since then we have had many discussions about our relationship and what I’m not giving her. She gives me lots of examples of what I do that bother her: I’m too needy, I don’t give her her space, I’m always checking up on her, I’m too eager to please, I’m always there, easy to get, not a challenge, I always want sex, if she initiates sex I give in immediately, etc. I’m kind of a little puppy dog, very cute but can be annoying and needs a lot of attention. I hate that comparison but it is pretty true.

Although she said that there was nothing physical between them except they danced together at a party, there was a lot of flirting, long conversations etc.

My wife is very sexual and sensual. The issue is that I don’t know how to bring that out of her and in fact do the exact opposite. I really want to be able to satisfy and fulfill her needs (the before-sex needs) but I always seem to do the opposite.

She has friends that are male (including the guy above) that she has to talk to at school a lot. She also texts them but promises that the texts are school related. I am reluctant to completely believe that they are all school related but I don’t think she is cheating on me, and if she was I don’t think she would be able to keep it a secret. She told me about the DB (douche bag) mentioned above right when she got home from the trip.

One day she come home “all jacked up on dopamine” from being around the other DB all day. Although we had some family plans she put a movie on for the kids, took me upstairs and we fucked for a couple hours. I think that if she was cheating on me she would have just fucked the DB at school.

As for me, I have stayed away from porn.

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Comments

  • Runner2016Runner2016 USSilver Member Posts: 48

    Triage of my relationship questions 6-10

    Question Six – When Did the Sex Go Bad?

    The actual sex (for me) in our relationship is actually fantastic. We have had some crazy, fantasy fulfilling sex, and it has been great. However it has never been frequent enough. Sometimes we have sex twice a week, sometimes even more, but sometimes we go 3+ weeks without sex. It’s not just the amount of sex either. It’s that my wife just isn’t into it. I don’t like mercy fucks but I’ll take them sometimes. Usually I’m really turned on and she isn’t turned on at all. When she gets turned on it is fantastic. I don’t think she has been really sexually satisfied since before we were married. As we have had these recent open conversations she said that she married me because of all the other wonderful things I am but that I have never really turned her on except when we first started dating.

    So the reason sex isn’t enough is because I don’t turn her on. I don’t turn her on because I’m not alpha male enough. I’m not assertive enough, I rely on her too much, and don’t make my own decisions, the kids aren’t obedient to me (or her a lot of the time, they are a strain on our relationship), I’m jealous of the time she spends with others, etc. (see the list above as well).

    My wife and I had a conversation this morning about how she likes strong, confidence men who are in control sexually. Not that she likes to be told what to do, but that she would like it if I wasn't crazy about sex all the time, if I could control myself more. I'm too needy and my neediness shows my lack of confidence.

    To illustrate the point about being too crazy about sex (I'll try not to be too graphic). After our long talk this morning where we were both frustrated she was still laying on the bed in her panties. I seized the opportunity and started licking between her legs. She responded very positively so I licked and sucked more. She enjoyed it so I pretty much started eating her out. So we went from nothing to me eating her out in about 20 seconds. When we talked about it later she told me how much she enjoyed it at first but that I gave it to her way too quickly. She could have really gotten turned on but didn't because I went way to fast. Beside just going slower, I need help with the little things that turn her on. She thinks we aren't sexually compatible. We may not be but I really want to do all I can to turn her on and become sexually compatible. I can't change who I am but I can change the process etc. 

    Question Seven – What Was the Sex Like at the Start of the Relationship?

    It was fine, we are both religious and didn’t (or shouldn’t have had – we did a couple of times) premarital sex. So it was new to me.  I wasn’t sure what to expect but based on the porn I had seen I thought that she was supposed to be super turned on and I was supposed to fuck her like crazy. The sex was fine when we got married but as I mentioned above I wasn’t fulfilling her needs even then.

    Question Eight – What’s the Elephant in the Room?

    I don’t think there is an elephant in the room. I’ve talked about my addiction to porn, her desires for the other guy, her not being turned on by me. I think that’s about it.

    Question Nine – Who is the Leader in your Marriage?

    She is but I’m working to change that.                         

    Question Ten – Tell Us About the Good Times

    I don’t think it was ever going really really well in all aspects. If I ever though it was I was most likely the only one. There are a lot of things about our relationship that are great. We are both very active outdoors, we like to rock climb, run, camp, go on dates, etc. As I mentioned previously, I don’t turn her on. She tells me I’m hot and super sexy and I think my body gets her going but once we start kissing etc. she loses the feeling and we both get discouraged. I really need help in seduction techniques, how to become an alpha male, being myself and making my own decisions, being more assertive, and driving her crazy before the sex actually starts. I think if I could do that she would probably still be attracted to other guys (like I’m still attracted to other girls) but she would be fulfilled with me.

    I have read the Married Man Sex Life and found it very helpful. I’m trying to implement changes based on that. And I ordered and just received the Mindful Attraction Plan in the mail yesterday.

    I’m glad I found the books and this community and I really think it will help me make the changes I need to make to be desirable to my wife and save our marriage.

    If I’ve missed anything I’m happy to answer any questions.


    Maria
  • MariaMaria EuropeCategory Moderator** Posts: 5,323
    Hi and welcome!
    I am sure you'll find lots of insight in the MAP book and you will be able to identify areas of growth.

    _____________________________________________________________________________
    If you want us to be unapologetically feminine, be unapologetically masculine.
    Beatrice
  • DaddyOhDaddyOh CTGold Men Posts: 1,589
    Trust but verify in regards to the affairs. Lots of texting with school partners/students is never a good thing. 

    She he told you what she's looking from you. She laid it out. 

    Also, stop the chatter. You don't need to dissect every sexual experience. You don't need validation. 
    "How vain it is to sit down and write when you have not stood up to live."
    LeticiaBlackwulfTennee
  • Runner2016Runner2016 USSilver Member Posts: 48
    DaddyOh said:
    Also, stop the chatter. You don't need to dissect every sexual experience. You don't need validation. 
    What do you mean by that?  Thanks! 
  • RorschachRorschach "Just ask the axis ..."Silver Member Posts: 1,458
    DaddyOh said:
    Also, stop the chatter. You don't need to dissect every sexual experience. You don't need validation. 
    What do you mean by that?  Thanks! 
    It comes across as needy, validation-seeking.
    DaddyOhRunner2016Tennee
  • DaddyOhDaddyOh CTGold Men Posts: 1,589
    Reread your question 6 and count how many times you mentioned "we talked" "conversations" "discussed" etc.

    Action over words. Trust me, she does not get turned on by you talking. 
    "How vain it is to sit down and write when you have not stood up to live."
    JellyBeanIrishGypsyKickboxer
  • Runner2016Runner2016 USSilver Member Posts: 48
    DaddyOh said:
    Reread your question 6 and count how many times you mentioned "we talked" "conversations" "discussed" etc.

    Action over words. Trust me, she does not get turned on by you talking. 
    Great point and super true!! 
  • UnBetaMeUnBetaMe Through The GatesMember Posts: 1,211
    edited September 5
    What do you do for you? Do you have guy friends that you hang out with or a social activity / team sport that is just for you? 

    I came from the same place as you. This is very familiar territory for me. You can do this!

    Runner2016WhereWasI
  • Runner2016Runner2016 USSilver Member Posts: 48
    UnBetaMe said:
    What do you do for you? Do you have guy friends that you hang out with or a social activity / team sport that is just for you? 

    I came from the same place as you. This is very familiar territory for me. You can do this!

    Hardly anything. I believe my oneitis is so bad that I don't like to leave my wife. At least that was me last week. This week I'm trying to do better. I never want to leave because I think by staying home our relationship will get better, and/or we will have sex.  I know, flawed rational. 

    Thanks @UnBetaMe ;
    UnBetaMe
  • HildaCornersHildaCorners Winter? You call *that* winter?Gold Women Posts: 3,377
    Welcome!

    Have you watched Married Guys Guide to Wife? Especially the parts where Athol discusses different brands ... it sounds like your wife wants a man whose "brand strengths" are different than what you've been showing her.

    If you bring more of those things out in yourself, she will probably develop more attraction for you.

    Enneagram 5w4.  I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.

    "I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
    UnBetaMeamblrgirlPatience
  • Runner2016Runner2016 USSilver Member Posts: 48
    Mongrel said:
    You're wrong. You are too available. You need other outlets besides sex. Take up some other manly pasttime like shooting guns or archery, riding motorcycle, playing a sport, etc.

    She's told you what she wants. Now STFU and do it. Become a leader. No more talking about everything. 

    How are you with shit tests? Is she giving you 'fetch' requests?
    @Mongrel - Wrong about what (I have not doubt you are right, just don't know what you are referring to). 

    She doesn't really do the shit tests, at least not that I have identified. 

    Becoming a leader would definitely help, and I'm working on it. Thanks for the feedback.
  • Runner2016Runner2016 USSilver Member Posts: 48
    Welcome!

    Have you watched Married Guys Guide to Wife? Especially the parts where Athol discusses different brands ... it sounds like your wife wants a man whose "brand strengths" are different than what you've been showing her.

    If you bring more of those things out in yourself, she will probably develop more attraction for you.
    I have not. I'm going to work my way through the MAP first. Thanks!
  • RebornReborn LondonGold Men Posts: 2,987
    I believe @Mongrel meant wrong about this bit:

    I never want to leave because I think by staying home our relationship will get better, and/or we will have sex.  I know, flawed rational. 

    This is called "orbiting"

    Enneagram type 5 w6. 
    If I offer lots of advice, it's probably really me giving advice to myself. That always seems to happen. 
    MongrelTenneeCartB4Horse
  • SaigoTakamoriSaigoTakamori FLSilver Member Posts: 3,075
    Hey Bubba

    Ok, tou.mentioned reading and finishing MMS book. ( I recommend you watch the video series) ... Name 3 things you are going to DO this week to start the process.

    Action Mindset Bubba
    Sweat More...bitch less
    Fate favors the prepared.
    UnBetaMeRunner2016
  • beribbonedberibboned caMember Posts: 359
    It does not sound like she wants her orgasm disregarded to me. It sounds to me like she wants her orgasmS controlled. Read about orgasm control. 
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