Meeting my wife’s crush - what do I do?

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Comments

  • Runner2016Runner2016 USSilver Member Posts: 48
    @SaigoTakamori

    This past weekend went pretty good. I made my running goals. My wife the the DB (douche bag) only talked 3-4 times the entire time and I was always right there. 

    I didn't like how her face lit up when she was talking to him, or how hard she had to concentrate to not focus on him. It really sucked. 

    I'm amazed that someone can be so mesmerized by someone else. We had an argument about it later that wasn't so great. I was upset because I was trying to put the moves on her by kissing her neck and she wiped it off, then she got this disgusted look on her face. It hurt. I was amazed that she can see the DB for 10 seconds and be ready to go but has a negative response when I kiss her/touch her.

    I have to keep telling myself that its a marathon not a sprint. I am fairly discouraged because I don't see much if any change yet, but it has only been a short time. I'm still hopeful that this will all work out.

    @cowboy I agree that cheaters underreport. She has no reason to. She isn't happy, she has told me everything, if she wanted to leave me now she would. As far as "All we did was dance" - there were other people there so they couldn't make out in the corner. There was very very little physical, but the mental/emotional was very strong. That worries me just as much.

    Running the MAP. Working on it. If not for her, for myself and the woman/women that follow if we end up parting.
    CartB4Horse
  • Runner2016Runner2016 USSilver Member Posts: 48
    soa2005 said:
    @Runner2016
    ". He know what he does to her and they have talked about it, although the most they have done physically is danced together. "

    Why have they talked about it and how exactly did that conversation go between them? 
    Did he tell your wife he feels the same way?
    They have classes together and talk occasionally. I don't know when they talk about it, but he knows. He wants her as well but he also has a gf and he is 14 years younger so I'm sure he know it would never really work out.  
  • Runner2016Runner2016 USSilver Member Posts: 48
    Lothbrok said:
    My thought is there have to be other schools in the area.  She has basically told him she can't be trusted around this guy.  Time to start applying to new schools, she lost privileges when she let herself get emotional involved with another man.
    She graduates in Dec. A change at this point isn't possible. Now she only has classes two days a week and rarely sees him.  However, she is still unhappy in our relationship so if its not going to be him eventually someone else will come along unless the MAP works and she can fall in love with me again.
    RebornCartB4HorseTennee
  • LothbrokLothbrok vaSilver Member Posts: 310
    I am assuming OM know you know about him.

    From his point of view you not confronting him shows weakness.  He now has no fear of you or what you would do if he sleeps with your wife.  

    From your wifes pov you also look very weak.  He knows I have a relationship with another man and he didn't say anything to him?  

    At the min you need to call this guy and lay down the law.   I would try to get his gf contact info (facebook).  If he fucks around then reach out to her and blown his shit up.
    DaddyOhCartB4HorseTennee
  • Runner2016Runner2016 USSilver Member Posts: 48
    @Lothbrok

    Is this something new?  Would she been okay with this in the past?  

    Her not wanting to kiss me sometimes is not something new. I completely overreacted. Since we had had a few pleasant days together and were spending the night in a cabin in the mountains, and I had been hitting on here the entire time - and seemed to be making progress, and she knew I was super horny (seems to be always), I thought she was ready for my advances. I really did blow it and then acted mad most of the rest of the day which killed any romantic connection we may have had. 

    I spoke to the guy twice. We were always around many people. One time he asked if a cooler that I was putting in their van was heavy and I told him that it wasn't for me but it might be for him, as a joke, everyone chuckled. 

    He knows that I know but and I'm sure he could tell that I didn't like him, but I was trying to be nice and gain the respect of my wife's other friends. There wasn't really a good time to pull him aside and say anything. I'm not sure confronting him would help. 

    Couple of questions, have you noticed her not wanting to be naked around you anymore? Or any change in how she dresses or how she takes care of herself? 

    She is still fine being naked around me. She totally dresses sexier. She had a somewhat see through shirt on today and I confronted her about it. I told her that she looks like she it out looking to get fucked. She said she didn't realize that it was that see through, but I'm sure she did.  

    From your wifes pov you also look very weak.  He knows I have a relationship with another man and he didn't say anything to him?  

    My wife convinced me that I would only look like an ass if I said something. That they haven't done anything except flirting and what I described previously.

    Your in pretty good shape, how does this guy stack up to you physically. 

    He is in pretty good shape as well except 16 years younger than me.
  • Runner2016Runner2016 USSilver Member Posts: 48
    Angeline said:
    Your wife is not a reliable source on the issue of whether or not to tell the other guy to fuck off.
    I agree. We have been married for 17 years and I have trusted her the entire time. I still have oneitis and it shows. I have relied on her advice and guidance for years! Although I'm working the MAP I'm still not very alpha and look to her too much.

    working on it. Working on it. I'm so frustrated with how things are going thus far. I really want a shoulder to cry on (maybe not literally), someone to talk to, someone to hug etc., and that person is still her because I love her so much and when we are doing good she makes me happy.  I know, oneitis. I need to be my own person etc.  Again, I'm working on it, progress is slow, and I keep blowing the opportunities I have with her. We had lunch today and instead of have a nice little sit down together we had a big argument that ended with her crying, both of us being angry, and her having to leave before anything was resolved or either of us felt better.

    Sucks to be me right now!
    Pen_and_SwordCartB4Horse
  • Runner2016Runner2016 USSilver Member Posts: 48
    @Lothbrok

    Thanks for your post! Your perspective and encouragement is greatly appreciated and needed!
  • dalefdalef Silver Member Posts: 1,963
    How did he respond to her? Was his GF there? It may just be a crush (not many guys go for older women if they can get younger).
    soa2005
  • Runner2016Runner2016 USSilver Member Posts: 48
    dalef said:
    How did he respond to her? Was his GF there? It may just be a crush (not many guys go for older women if they can get younger).
    Yes, his GF was there. He was friendly but nothing strange or inappropriate that I saw.
    His GF has a great body but not much going on in the face area. :)
  • Runner2016Runner2016 USSilver Member Posts: 48
    soa2005 said:
    If a woman looks sexy a man will want to fuck her regardless of age. I wouldn't want to date a woman 15 years my senior but I have seen plenty of older women I would enjoy sleeping with if I were single. 

    @Runner2016
    There is evidence of an emotional affair and your wife admits that she is physically attracted to the OM. Furthermore your wife is stating that the feelings are mutual between her and OM. If you do not get your wife away from the OM then things will escalate or escalate further between them. As long as your wife is getting dopamine from the other man she will not find you attractive. 


    I believe they have the same class 2 x a week. They are not in any study groups etc. together and don't have any reason to be together. I can not watch her or spy on her. Ultimately it is her decision if she is going to destroy our relationship by having a little fling with some guy. She does not want that. She wants our relationship to work. She had not been satisfied in our relationship for years. In part due to herself but also because o me. She is done with school in December and will never see the OM ever again. 

    I have found that she really does want our relationship to work and really does want me to be the one that she gets turned on by. I have also found that if I ask here where she has been, who she has been with, if she is wearing that shirt/tanktop/shorts, etc, who she is texting, etc. that she gets very defensive and whatever we had going on stops instantly.  

    As long as I believe that she is not seeking out the OM or having inappropriate conversations with him I am trying to trust her. Otherwise our relationship won't get better.

    monkeydog
  • samsonsamson UKSilver Member Posts: 101
    Do you think she planning on having / continuing an EA until December? 

    What is your plan between now and then?
  • PaladinPaladin USASilver Member Posts: 88
    Work on you. That will make you attractive. RIght now, you cannot change her mind to accept kisses on the neck, or seek out you for sex etc. She cant even be that shoulder to cry on right now, because you have to make your shoulders broader and stronger.  When I came to this forum a few weeks ago, I was/am right where you are, with wife with Gym mates/ possible EA. We are at a crawl with our relationship change. Again, its a marathon. All i can do is work on myself, and hope that she will work on herself as she sees change or feelings change. You definitely have the tools to get there. Outside of mateguarding your wife, move on and be the man you want her to love. I had to physically make myself stop spying/looking over phone record etc because of the texting issues my wife was doing. After a few weeks, I could careless, and my mind is somewhat freed of the thoughts i am making in my head. Am i cured from the curiosity? No, but at least i can think about something else and try to see a clearer picture of my MAP.  You got this, you have the tools( physically fit, Good SR, etc) to do this and be strong. Step outside of her world ( running etc) and go be active in something that blows your mind. It took one weekend of me going back to kayaking and all my wife talks about now is how good i am ( I used to teach/guide )... it was something that i used to do, and do well, that was in my frame. Now i have to get back to that. You got this! 
    nubbyRunner2016
  • Runner2016Runner2016 USSilver Member Posts: 48
    samson said:
    Do you think she planning on having / continuing an EA until December? 

    What is your plan between now and then?
    She isn't, at least she doesn't want to. She does not try to be with him or near him etc. (at least that is what she tells me).

    I plan to run the MAP, kick butt, become awesome and be me regardless of her decisions.  If she doesn't or won't fall in love with me then I can say that I've tried my hardest, I'm the best me I can be, and it will be time to more on. I genuinely want it to work out with her but also believe that its not just my decision.
    DaddyOh
  • Runner2016Runner2016 USSilver Member Posts: 48
    @Paladin
    Thanks for the vote of confidence! Great advice. I can see we are close to being in the same spot and it is great to hear and share with others who know how I feel.  I used to get on her phone when she wasn't looking and check to see who she was chatting with. It was useless and just made me freak out. She would delete the conversations she didn't want me to see anyway so it really was just damaging to me and didn't solve anything.

    Maybe I should start kayaking!  I'm buying a new steal string guitar this afternoon and I'm going to learn some new song and start doing some street playing again, I put myself through some college doing that, was pretty good, and my wife loved it.

    Keep it up @Paladin!! 
    Paladin
  • soa2005soa2005 United statesSilver Member Posts: 631
    @Runner2016

    "Thanks for the vote of confidence! Great advice. I can see we are close to being in the same spot and it is great to hear and share with others who know how I feel.  I used to get on her phone when she wasn't looking and check to see who she was chatting with. It was useless and just made me freak out. She would delete the conversations she didn't want me to see anyway so it really was just damaging to me and didn't solve anything."

    Was the above in regards to the current other man situation or are we talking about seperate suspicious incidents?

    "I have also found that if I ask here where she has been, who she has been with, if she is wearing that shirt/tanktop/shorts, etc, who she is texting, etc. that she gets very defensive and whatever we had going on stops instantly.  "

    On on hand It it can be annoying to feel like you're being interrogated. On the other hand, she has admitted she has feelings for another man so her defensive behavior is kind of adding to the red flags here. 

    "As long as I believe that she is not seeking out the OM or having inappropriate conversations with him I am trying to trust her. Otherwise our relationship won't get better."

    They discussed their feelings for each other so I'd say the genie is kind of out of the bottle for the whole inappropriate conversation thing. Trust is definitely important but you would be foolish to blindly trust a spouse who has admitted they are involved in an affair (emotional or physical).

     Btw how exactly did they discuss their feelings for each other ? Through text? In person? I don't know if we're not asking the right questions, you're leaving stuff out, or what but I feel like something is missing. 
    Angelineamblrgirlwrangler
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