Meeting my wife’s crush - what do I do?

soa2005

@Runner2016

By the way, the "work on you" or the "be awesome" advice is obvious. Self improvement is always great and self improvement can lead to better relationships in your life. However , self improvement is long term and in my opinion you are currently in crisis mode. You don't patch up the foundation when the roof is on fire. 

Runner2016

@soa2005  The current OM situation. 

I don't recall where/when they discussed their feelings or if they were just flirting. My wife and I have had way too many conversations about this. I think they had some conversations in person but also some texts. I don't know that they necessarily said that they have feeling for each other, probably more that my wife probably told him the he turn her on. I know they texted/flirted sexually with each other a couple of times as well. Again, I don't know that "feelings" were discussed, probably more like "your smell really turns me on" etc. but I really have no idea.
Thanks!

SaigoTakamori

@Runner2016

Did you watch that Tony Robbins clip on my "sit rep"  thread?

Confidence is sexy homie.

You are the prize!

Tennee

"I didn't like how her face lit up when she was talking to him, or how hard she had to concentrate to not focus on him. It really sucked.  I'm amazed that someone can be so mesmerized by someone else. We had an argument about it later that wasn't so great. I was upset because I was trying to put the moves on her by kissing her neck and she wiped it off, then she got this disgusted look on her face. It hurt. I was amazed that she can see the DB for 10 seconds and be ready to go but has a negative response when I kiss her/touch her."

I want you, and all the other Newbie guys who've jumped aboard recently, to begin to grasp the following:  she's doing exactly what she's been hard-wired over millennia to do.  That's right - its supposed to work this way.  Once you start digesting the Red Pill, you begin to realize this.  You need to internalize that hypergamy is by design, that the Evo-Psych aspects of our human physiology are there for a reason.

Do not have any more 'arguments' on this topic - ever again.  First, you're trying to argue against biological hard-wiring; that won't work.  Second, you're automatically positioning yourself as weak, and her lizard brain recognizes this instantly.  Double fail.  No mas. 

Take the 'disgusted look' and imprint it on your brain - that is your motivation to change.  Its not about arguing, or knocking him down a peg in (your) her mind, or being pissed off or angry about the situation - that's like trying to prevent the tide from coming in. 

Its about your Frame.  Its about making yourself Awesome - so fucking Awesome people will need wrap-around sunglasses just to look at you.  Its about making yourself superior to him by virtue of your Awesomeness.   That 'disgusted look' will dissipate on its own through this - and only through this. 

Tell us what you're going to do today to make yourself .01% better than yesterday.  And then tomorrow.  And the day after that. 

This is about you, not her.   She's doing what she's wired to do. 

Tennee

BTW - if this were me, I'd have a conversation with buddy boy.  It'd be a nice, friendly chat, during which I'd smile a lot.  Kinda like how the Joker in the Dark Knight series smiles.  A chat that's very carefully worded so that there are no actual threats or other items of interest to the police.  And at the same time, a chat that left him with the unmistakable fact - deep down in his bone marrow - that I am one scary motherfucker. 

I am an 8W7 enneagram, so I actually like confrontation.  YMMV here...

fredless

Tennee said:

BTW - if this were me, I'd have a conversation with buddy boy.  It'd be a nice, friendly chat, during which I'd smile a lot.  Kinda like how the Joker in the Dark Knight series smiles.  A chat that's very carefully worded so that there are no actual threats or other items of interest to the police.  And at the same time, a chat that left him with the unmistakable fact - deep down in his bone marrow - that I am one scary motherfucker. 

I am an 8W7 enneagram, so I actually like confrontation.  YMMV here...

Yea...I agree here.  A firm handshake, direct eye contact, a smile and "My wife has told me all about you.  It's interesting.  She is so much more friendly than I am.  I'm not good at being friendly."

Or something like that.

Tennee

fredless said:

"My wife has told me all about you.  It's interesting.  She is so much more friendly than I am.  I'm not good at being friendly."

Perfect.  I occasionally channel my inner Joker when needed.  Not Cesar Romero from the old Adam West TV series, I am talking about Bill Sienkiewicz's very, very scary Joker. 

Runner2016

@tenee @fredless

I will most likely never see the guy again. We live in different cities, which is also a different city where my wife goes to school. They are almost finished with school and won't see each other any more either.  If have do have the opportunity I really like that approach and I'll use it.

@tenee - I really appreciate your comments above regarding she is only doing what she was programmed to do. So true.  

I just started watching the married guide to wife videos and man have I been blowing it for the past 17 years!!  Now I just need to find the $100 to watch the remaining videos.

The books, the videos, and this forum are imprinted on my mind and helping me change. I'm so glade I found them. If my marriage is saved it will be because of Athol!

Today (and from here on out) I'm not going to complain about the sex I'm not getting, I'm not going to try and get sex by doing nice things for her, I've stopped orbiting (although that's still a hard one), and I already hit the gym and run.  I feel like I'm making progress albeit slowly. I now at least have the knowledge.

A quick little experience that happened two nights ago. We were having sex missionary style but she didn't want me to cum in her (we use the calendar and condoms for birth control) so I asked her if she would turn over so I could grind into her ass crack after I pulled out and shoot onto her back.  She said "don't ask me!".  I few thrust later and I turned her over and busted on her back. She wants to be told what to do. But it has to be done properly. I have so much to learn and implement!

Runner2016

SaigoTakamori said:

@Runner2016

Did you watch that Tony Robbins clip on my "sit rep"  thread?

Confidence is sexy homie.

You are the prize!

No. I'll add it to the queue. Can you provide a link?  Thanks!

nubby

@Runner2016 after you map for quite a while and you have true, I mean true oi, when reject by your wife and you are not flustered in the least, she'll begin to think YOU are losing interest in her. 

SHE will start initiating. As @Tennee said above. You have to be so awesome, that you can part the Red Sea just by casually thinking about it. 

As aleays, @fredless has the lines you should use if you encounter lover boy or any other douchebag that gets too close to your wife. 

You know, from now on (just from your wife saying don't ask me) that you decide what position you want and how and where you are going to unload right? If you're doing missionary and decide you want doggy? Flip her over put her in position and pound her head through the wall!! Imagine your cock as your fist and her pussy is lover boy's face, that kind of pounding. Then pull out and unload on her back and ass crack give a nice slap in the ass and say "your welcome." She'll forget all about what's his face. 

OneEyedDrunk

If your wife was sexting/texting sexual things, then that's clearly an EA in my eyes. Keep mapping the way you are, but you might want to have your wife go no contact if that's what she was doing. Keep mapping to be the best version of you. 

fredless

I'm at the point that I never ask what position my wife wants...unless of course I deem it to be "Ladies Night" and tell her that she gets to choose.

Lothbrok

There was a thred at some point about what women really want in bed.  I wasn't able to find it but I think someone else may find it.

Yeah I was surpised how women loved to be dominated in bed.  Just doing whatever you want and simple comands work wonders.  My rule of thumb is I do what feels good for me.  I will take request but only if she says please.

One my wife loves but won't admit it is doggy with her hands held behind her back.  Pretty much like a cop throwing cuffs on a perp.  And the trusty pick up from bed and puting her on a dresser.  I had to start slow and work my way up.  I began with holding her hands over her head while in missionary.

Ass snaking and hair pulling is also fun.

LadyOrTheTyger

Do I want to know what Ass snaking is?  

Runner2016

LadyOrTheTyger said:

Do I want to know what Ass snaking is?  

I'm assuming he meant "spanking".

SaigoTakamori

Be Awesome Homie.. Roar!
Deep Inside.

Cowboy

I'm going to be a little more cynical on this one. You are taking everything your wife tells you as true ("they've done nothing more than dance"). You also believe that things will not get any worse (for you) than they are now, as these two will not take steps to continue the relationship (their class will end soon, so they'll never talk again). You're also assuming that she wouldn't tell you that she liked him if she wasn't thinking of having an affair with him.
I think this are not only risky assumptions to make, but probably completely wrong.

Your wife is clearly enjoying attention from this guy. He's probably sensing that the deal is almost closed (if it hasn't already). (Let's assume for the sake of argument that they're not already having sex.) They'll start setting up contact information now, so that they can "keep in touch" after the class is done. I can't remember, but I'm pretty sure he's got her phone number and social media contact already set up. He'll scheme to find a way to text her or message her, then they'll meet to "catch up."
This sounds like at least an EA to me, and if it's not, it will be soon. EA's eventually become PA's. Frankly, I'm guessing it's already more than an EA.
Please, as someone who has been through this shit, realize you're probably only seeing the tip of the iceberg her.

My advice? Get something on her phone and her PC today and find out just how "friendly" they are. Don't get caught.
I'm sorry you're going through this.

Kickboxer

@Runner2016, keep all your posting on one thread. You're going to get all kinds of confusion. You have a thread with a triage, one about a crush, and another about her desire to separate. 

Ask a moderator to close all but one of your threads and keep your story in one place. 

CartB4Horse

@Runner2016 - I was hoping someone would jump in here and lead you down the path to verify what's going on with your wife.

Can you see her phone bill online (see what numbers she calls and texts)?

Does she use a computer at home to read emails or any Instant Messaging type activities?  Does she use FB, especially IM thru that site?

Cowboy

CartB4Horse said:

@Runner2016 - I was hoping someone would jump in here and lead you down the path to verify what's going on with your wife.

Can you see her phone bill online (see what numbers she calls and texts)?

Does she use a computer at home to read emails or any Instant Messaging type activities?  Does she use FB, especially IM thru that site?

Yes, this ^^^^^^.

Apple is a little more difficult to get into than Android, so I've been told. Make sure you use something that logs ALL activity, as she is likely deleting anything you might find suspicious.
And, yes, be wary of sites that allow messaging:  Facebook, Hangouts, even Instagram.
Keyloggers on a PC work best.

More:
I just read your "separation" thread in detail. I'm sorry, but in general
Wife wants "separation" + Won't answer questions + other man "gets her pussy wet" (your words) = affair

Probably wouldn't hurt to call a private detective, as you will most likely need one in the next few days anyway; he will tell you everything I have here.
He will have more sophisticated tools, and will recommend good monitoring software.

I'm sorry.