Lenny's Map

Lenny · September 14

My first MAP.

Athol - you made me think about some very hard things in putting this together. Just as well - I needed the kick up the pants.

Fitness, Food, and Health
Reds:
    Cut out the crap food, currently eat poor food choices about 1 meal a week.
    Eat more balanced meals

Yellow:
    Stop consuming so much coffee - reduced by about 0% (now 4 cups a day)
    reduce intake of energy drinks - target 0 drinks a week, currently 1 every other week.

Green
    Sleep - getting at least 7 hrs a night, frequently more.
    Exercising with weights at least 4 times a week, upto 5 (subject to energy levels / sleep / life)

Exercise has been key
Lost a lot of weight
Dropped 4 sizes in pants
Put on about 2 inches on the chest
Pants do not fit -> to big
Shirts / Jackets do not fit -> to small

All going in the right direction.

Money and Material Stuff
Reds:
    I struggle with it OK to pay myself. I still have the strong urge to protect & provide.

    I'm setting small budgets to do something for myself with.

Yellows:
    Continue to save

Greens:
    Currently being head hunter for a better job, more money & an impressive title.

I make decent money at the moment, but we have a decent mortgage & $$$ are tight- too tight.

Displaying High Value
Reds:
    need to stop orbiting my wife.
    I need to work on this a lot. I am just saying no to something little everyday, to get myself into the habit of saying no an setting the expectation that it will not always be a yes. Hard work for me.
    Remain positive & aloof - particularly to my wife's rejections.

Yellows:

    Continue to improve muslce / lose weight -> look and feel better.
    Maintain deit
    Become the captin of the ship, start to lead in all areas
    I've just started to reaplce my wardrobe with nicer / bertter clothes. Will continue.

Greens:
    Continue to fix things & get stuff done around the house. Theres nothing like cracking out the tools, all the big and noisy ones, to get stuff done.
    Teach the children how to fix things aswell.

Building Relationship Comfort
Reds:
    Be more vocal about her time spent on tech
    Slowly start to squash loyalty tests - I need time to change my mindset to provide and protect & set some new boundaries.
    Get out of my wife's orbit
    Being more positive - after so many years, I need to set myself small task to achieve and the bask in my awesomeness, rinse & repeat. I'm at the start of the journey.
Need to re-learn how to seduces my wife.

Yellows:
    I'm starting to fell just more awesome all the time.
    Since I've started to hit some real exercise goals (i fished 150 push ups in a single session) I really am starting to feel the awesome.
    I's starting to get the sexual tension up during the day, basically lots of innuendo / jokes etc.

Doing better on this front. Not the best. Just better.

Greens:

    not letting sexual reject get to me, now I just get up and walk away. Or in tonight's case type up the MAP.

Personality and Preferences
Reds:

        Learn to pay myself first.
    I've started here with time, giving myself the time to do things not with the family.

Yellows:

    Find something to do outside of the house hold, that I can constantly do.

Greens:

        Setting goals around exercise and sticking to them. It does feel awesome to be able to just chuck a heavy box up onto the roof racks of the car without help.

High-Energy Sex
Reds:
    my sex life is my responsibility.
    I choose to let it get to this point, I can choose to get it back to where I want it to be (with / without my current wife - hard to write that)
    Choose to up my attraction, Choose to bring my wife back into my orbit.
    Be more direct with my desires / wishes

    I need to work on my fitness first - until I work on my figure, my wife will stay not attracted to me.

Yellows:

        Identify the different covert contracts I have set up with myself, largely in my own head.
    No more chore play.

    I've identified a whole heap of areas of if i do this she will sleep with me issues. I'm dropping them all like a stone. This is freeing me up immensely. I feel more positive because I no longer have expectation that will not be met.

Greens:
    Continue to provide and protect for my wife and children.

***
I started writing this on my 41st birthday. Wife not at all interested in birthday sex or a hug / kiss. So drop that 'contract' like a stone and go work on the MAP.

The MAP is my present to myself this year. It's only been a few days and I can see & feel the fog starting the lift.

Basically I'm pretty pissed with myself about letting thing get this bad, but now I have a way out of the shit hole I call a marriage.
I'm giving myself 12 months to run the MAP and see significant improvements in myself. To be honest if things haven't changed significantly at home, in terms of intimacy (I crave the intimacy more than the sex), then continue to be awesome but I will need to talk to a lawyer about what i need to do next, then the wife about the big D.

Basically I can't keep living like this, but I need to work on myself first - to bring myself up to a level where I should be. Sadly at the moment I'm not fit to be the captain of this ship, but I will.

SignorePillolaRossa · September 14

great start - impressive MAP ... pick 3 monkeys for the week and get to 'em!!

might be worth considering have her get a job (even p/t) to build her earning power to a) reduce the 'tightness' and b) to increase her earning power in case you someday choose to A/B her and she chooses B ... but don't get ahead of yourself on that regard just yet ... youve been together a long time - rule of thumb is 1 month of serious MAPping for each year of being together ... so take a 2+ yr long view and work it day by day ... interim evaluation points can take care of themself

good luck

Lenny · September 15

thanks,

I like the rule of thumb, I will give it some thought.

I'll let he money thing slide at the moment. If things really get tough, we'll sell an investment property. I would prefer her to be at home for the kids / drop them off etc. I think being their for the kids is a better investment.

Monkeys
1) re-read MMSP & MAP
2) not eating crap
3) keep up lifting weights 4 time per week.
4 ) come up with a better plan to get more of the reds to yellows, yellows to greens.

frillyfun · September 15

No orbiting, and staying in your frame are going to be big challenges, but I think that's where you'll see a lot of gains.

I work while DS is in school- tons of women do. It may not be her old career, or salary, but I think working when your kids is in school is good for you.

Lenny · September 15

Agree about staying my frame and not orbiting. I don't disagree about the work for my wife. I think it would be beneficial for her. It is just not a major focus for me at the moment.

Lenny · September 19

Update

Monkeys
1) re-read MMSP & MAP
- COMPLETE; need to focus on not orbiting & shit / fitness tests
2) not eating crap
COMPLETE - 1 Week all Good
3) keep up lifting weights 4 time per week.
COMPLETE - 5 sessions last week
4 ) come up with a better plan to get more of the reds to yellows, yellows to greens.
COMPLETE

New Monkeys
1) Stay focused diet
2) Find and record tests (loyalty / fitness / shit); record response. Target at least 1.
3) Add some form of non sexual contact daily, target 10 over the next 7 days.
4) More reading on fitness tests/ loyalty tests - how to respond.

MAP - Tracking Update 19 Sep
Next Review MAP 26 Sep - Aim to update MAP

Fitness, Food, and Health
On Track 1 week
I hit all red & yellow items

Money and Material Stuff
Informal interview on Thursday - this could almost double my pay.
I have put together a personal budget for myself (juggled some consumption spending around). I now have a small amount of $$ to buy stuff just for me - first off T supplements.

Displaying High Value
50% wardrobe replacement - for Birthday, swapped out for better clothes etc.
All I now iron all of my own clothes, no waiting for the wife.

Basically, better quality clothes, better cut & fit. Looking better, felling better.

Pulled apart dishwasher & fixed it (saved $700), pulled apart windows and fixed them / cleaned them at the same time.

Building Relationship Comfort
Very much in progress
Add a monkey
Find and record loyalty tests /fitness test /shit tests. I'm sure there going on but I'm not seeing them, hard to swat a fly you can not see. Focus on seeing them, thn swatting them away after.

I'm uping the sexual tension, jokes etc all day.

Personality and Preferences
In progress

I'm choosing for the next couple of weeks for this not to be a high priority.

With the new job potential, I've put on hold finding something outside of the house to do until I know whats going on & my new timetable.

I am paying myself $$$ (see above) and more importantly in time. I'm giving myself time on Monday to do this & over each weekend to do stuff that I want to do - by myself.

High-Energy Sex
Very much in progress
Add a monkey

Need to relearn how to seduce my wife.
I need to initiate more non sexual contact / touch / drive-buys into my daily routine.

***
I need to find my frame and my own center of gravity.

Lenny · September 25

OLD Monkeys
1) Stay focused diet
COMPLETE 20 meals out of 21 were not crap. I can live with this.
2) Find and record tests (loyalty / fitness / shit); record response. Target at least 1.
- COMPLETE
3) Add some form of non sexual contact daily, target 10 over the next 7 days.
- COMPLETE
4) More reading on fitness tests/ loyalty tests - how to respond.
- IN PROGRESS, missed a few tests this week / did not respond well enough

NEW MONKEYS
1) Stay focused on diet
2) Stay focused on shit / fitness / loyalty tests
3) Get some prepared responses / method of responses to 'tests'

MAP - Tracking Update 25 Sep
Next Review MAP 2 Nov

Fitness, Food, and Health
On Track week 2
I hit all red & yellow items

Money and Material Stuff
I was actively head hunted during the week, asked for CV. Should here back later in the week. Offer was around 60% increase in pay.

Displaying High Value
No material change; if this stays the same next week, it will need to become a monkey.

I'm starting to orbit less.

Building Relationship Comfort
In progress, continue to find and respond to tests.
If in doubt treat all tests as a shit test.

Personality and Preferences
In progress
No material change.

High-Energy Sex
Very much in progress

Need to relearn how to seduce my wife.
I need to initiate more non sexual contact / touch / drive-buys into my daily routine.
- Continue to do the above.

***
I'm starting to feel more grounded and focused.
I seem to be able to focus at work better and around the home, it feels like a fog is lifting.
I do not feel resentful about no sex, at the moment, and I feel like I am not trying for the 'contract' of tasks for sex - liberating.

Lenny · October 2

OLD MONKEYS
1) Stay focused on diet
- On Task, went out to a couple of work events (I'm in sales) didn't eat to much, didn't drink to much either.
2) Stay focused on shit / fitness / loyalty tests
- On Task, found 5 this week. Stuffed 1, smacked down 4.
3) Get some prepared responses / method of responses to 'tests'
- On Task,

After reading a lot around here, I have seen a shit test waiting to happen. I used to ask my wife every night does she want anything from the kitchen / or W would ask / demand I get her a tea / drink & some kind of snack. Beta me thought this was OK, more alpha me I thinks this is crap and I let it happen.

Now I just don't ask - unless I'm getting my own shit and it is of no consequence then I will ask & get.

I will also 1-2 twice a week, normally on my rest days, just come upstairs with a tea / fresh popcorn or similar. My W has AoS love language, so I need to do something for her. It just needs to be from my frame.

If she asks I defer, deflect (A&A) or just say no. Damn I'm getting some push back with the no. I'm STFU that situation - or just go do something else more fun. Tonight, got lots done during the silent treatment - I wonder how productive tomorrow will be.

NEW MONKEYS
1) Stay focused on diet
2) Stay focused on shit / fitness / loyalty tests
3) Follow some of the sage advise, start serious flirting, drive by's etc. At least one act per day.

* I've started to track my monkeys & reds in my work diary. It seems to help keep them front and center.

MAP - Tracking Update 2 Nov
Next Review MAP 9 Nov

Fitness, Food, and Health
On Track week 3
I hit all red & yellow items
It feels like some good habits are starting to form.

Money and Material Stuff
I had a verbal yes, from the person I'm dealing with. It's now with his VP & HR.

Displaying High Value
I'm orbiting less.
I have found my convert contracts and killed them. Once they were gone, It felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders & after a day or two, it really is like looking and reacting to a different world. I'm seeing things and assigning actions not words.

Building Relationship Comfort
In progress, continue to find and respond to tests.
If in doubt treat all tests as a shit test.
Do at least one thing for my W a week (preferably 2) just because. From my frame.

Personality and Preferences
In progress
No material change.

High-Energy Sex
Very much in progress

Need to relearn how to seduce my wife.
I need to initiate more non sexual contact / touch / drive-buys into my daily routine.
- Continue to do the above. NOW A MONKEY

***
I do not feel resentful about no sex, frustrated yes, but resentful no. No covert contracts for sex.
In fact I feel my sex drive for the first time in my life feels to be in balance.

I completely took over last weekend's planned activities. Owned everything, from where to go, what time to leave, made the lunches, packed the picnic, rattled the keys - I had fun, the family enjoyed themselves. +1 Captain point for me.

***
Elephants
W- spends far to much time on tech. Will sit in front of the TV, with Ipad & iphone and she sometimes wonder why I piss off and do something on my own. Basically, I would rather wack a nail in my hand than be ignored whilst some reality TV is on.

W- seems to like to nest & do nothing. She likes it when I'm in the house but not bugging her, so me doing my own thing is of no consequence. I'm getting stronger, reading more getting back to the old me - for me.

I'm going to need to spend some time thinking up ways to crack the tech & the nest.
- I'm starting to act like a bit of a dick and text her from the next room, or from the sofa next to her to get her attention . PA I know, but fun.
- Any suggestions would be welcome.

Angeline · October 2

Ask her to bring you things

By the nest thing you mean you'll have to leave to get some traction, right? Preferably by doing something that will give you a happy boost and inner glow of cheerfulness and manly fun. Krav Maga. Boxing. Rock climbing. Learn how to shoot, ir learn how to shoot something new.

Lenny · October 3

@Angeline
I'm open for ideas.

My princess seems to have created a castle around her, to keep me out. Her safe space. It started a few years ago when she was breastfeeding the little monsters as a way to stay in touch with email / news etc, but it has continued.

I see where your going with your thinking, go do something to get her to leave her castle.

Obviously I'm less interesting than candy crush or what ever else she's doing, otherwise she would be doing me. So I need to become more interesting than candy crush.

Next step, go find some high Alpha activities that I can do.

Angeline · October 3

Those were some ideas lol. Maybe recapture an activity you did long ago but gave up for some reason - playing in a garage band - it has to come from you.

CartB4Horse · October 3

Let's talk about your Orbiting your wife....

Do you have certain times that you 'hang around' her or are in the same place/room as your wife for no real reason?

I used to Orbit my wife, mostly in the mornings when she was getting ready for work (I'd get ready after her as I didn't leave the house until later). I'd kid myself, thinking that I was around her 'in case she wanted to ask me something'. I shit you not.

Anyhow, I had to force myself to leave our bedroom, go to another part of the house and do something else. Check emails, get coffee, watch news downstairs, do push-ups, ANYTHING.

Now it's second nature to say good morning, grab her ass and head out of the room. If she has something to say she can find me. It's become who I AM.

Lenny · October 4

@CartB4Horse - Yes, in the evenings. After the children are in bed, I had the same problem too. I saw it on the weekend.

I was hanging around to be useful. Like a beta lap dog.

now i moved my program around to be away during those at risk times.

Now lifting 3 nights 8:30 to 9:30 pm + sat /sun AM

Mon / Fri - rest days, now reading days, clean the garage days etc; get my stuff done days.

Basically I no longer hang around, I'm off doing things. Even if they are around the house things - I have removed myself from the situation.

I find it also helps maintain my frame as I am also avoiding shit tests, well for the last couple of days.

CartB4Horse · October 4

Awesome Lenny!

You realized you were orbiting. You found out a few ways to De-orbit and implemented a plan.

Now all you do is keep from orbiting your wife, realize when you're drawn in and move away, do something else. After a while it becomes second nature.

This morning my wife was in our bathroom getting ready for work. I was in our bedroom (both rooms are together without a door between them). I was ironing my shirt for today standing in front of the TV which was turned up so that she could hear the news.

Wifey was talking to me from the bathroom but I couldn't hear what she was saying. So, that's what I told her with a raised voice "I can't hear you honey...." She came into the bedroom to talk with me, as it should be.

Lenny · October 6

mini update - the power of the MAP.

I do not know why, but over the week something went click. I'm starting to see the pasterns of self destructive behavior. Orbiting, generally presenting LV, more covert contracts.

Today is my 17th wedding anniversary, normally I would have set up a convert contract for sex, with a meal out ... the whole nine yards. Not today.

Organized the venue
Told my wife when I would pick her up (it was a lunch and I wrangled some time off work)
Told what to wear, got 80% of what asked for.
Did not tell her where we going, picked up and went. It was a nice day.
During the day some mixed signals green / yellow & W is a bit sick. I do not think sex is on the table because she is sick- for the first time in 17 years I'm OK with that.

Now I'm drinking 18ys old scotch and doing my own thing and I'm ok with that. Not feeling or acting pissy, not whining about sex, not begging for it, not even asking for any attention.

I fell like I'm starting to get my own frame.

I will initiate later tonight, if it works it works if it doesn't so what.

CartB4Horse · October 6

@Lenny - Very good OI! Remember, you'll be back inside her again; maybe next week or at worse the week after that, but you'll be back!

I'd bet an internet $1 that you get laid tomorrow.....

Lenny · October 9

OLD MONKEYS
1) Stay focused on diet
- on track, ate a solid 20 out of 21 meals on task. We went out for our anniversary (ate OK)
2) Stay focused on shit / fitness / loyalty tests
- on track, seeing the shit tests everywhere. I'm still missing a few, but at least I'm seeing them either at the time or later at night when I'm reviewing the day. I'm getting a lot more than I'm missing
3) Follow some of the sage advise, start serious flirting, drive by's etc. At least one act per day.
- tracking this, i'm only recording 1 a day - I'm doing more.

NEW MONKEYS
1) Stay focused on diet - can't out train a crap diet.
2) Stay focused on shit / fitness / loyalty tests
3) Follow some of the sage advise, start serious flirting, drive by's etc. At least one act per day.
- tracking this, i'm only recording 1 a day - I'm doing more.
4) Monkey - keep my new OI going. It's only a baby at the moment and needs to grow.

MAP - Tracking Update 2 Nov
Next Review MAP 9 Nov

Fitness, Food, and Health
On Track week 4
Stayed on track for food, eat at least 20 solid meals a week
Fitness, just finished my last 4 week plan. Had to drop a few days to mange a sore knee. Not worried.
In four weeks I went from
Kettle Bell Swings 1 tonne
Push Ups 100
Pull UP - 30

to
Kettle Bell Swings 1.4 tonne
Push Ups 150
Pull UP - 30 (increased ROM)

I can see my chest muscles now.

Next 4 weeks are going to be the 10,000 swing challenge.

Money and Material Stuff
No change from last week.

Displaying High Value
I am orbiting less and less
I am finding OI easier and easier. For the last week it has become the default mindset.
I am starting to find my frame.

Building Relationship Comfort
In progress, continue to find and respond to tests.
If in doubt treat all tests as a shit test.
Do at least one thing for my W a week (preferably 2) just because. From my frame.

I am saying no to at least 1 thing a day with no blow back.

Personality and Preferences
In progress
No material change.

High-Energy Sex
Very much in progress

W currently sick - keeping up the drive byes, but not much else. She needs to be looked after at the moment - from my frame. Sickness does not change it.

***
I feel like I am starting to get OI and act like it. Baby steps. The difference in clarity of thought is amazing. Now I am seeing thing much clearer, and acting instead of reacting. I'm leading not being lead. Finding frame.

W is starting to respond. She is sick but a lot more touchy, talking to me. Coming out of her tech nest to talk to me / find me to discuss. Whilst she is up I'm asking her to do something for me every time. I'm batting about 50% - not bad for about 4 weeks of effort.

Lenny · October 16

I feel like he focus on fitness and food is paying off.
1) Dropped a notch on my belt.
2) I'm fitting into pant I have not worn for years.
3) W is starting to find excuses to be in the bathroom when I'm having a shower.
4) DD why are your pants so tight through the legs - Me what - looked down and my legs are growing and I look like a hipster .... Time for some new pants.

OLD MONKEYS
1) Stay focused on diet - can't out train a crap diet.
ON TASK - 21 clean meals

2) Stay focused on shit / fitness / loyalty tests
In Progress - I missed a few, but I'm happy I am seeing them, even after the event.

3) Follow some of the sage advise, start serious flirting, drive by's etc. At least one act per day.
ON TASK - tracking this, i'm only recording 1 a day - I'm doing more.

4) Monkey - keep my new OI going. It's only a baby at the moment and needs to grow.
OI is staying strong.

NEW MONKEYS
I'm traveling this week for work, so diet is going to be hard.

1) Stay focused on diet - can't out train a crap diet.
2) Train in the hotel gym
3) Flirt over the phone, skype etc.
4) Captain the time away, set up regular skype back home home.

MAP - Tracking Update 16 Nov
Next Review MAP 23 Nov

Fitness, Food, and Health
On Track
Started 10000 Kb swing challenge.
Stay on track over the next 4 weeks
## work travel may push this out by a week

Stayed on track for food, eat at least 21 solid meals a week

Money and Material Stuff
No change from last week. I had a call the job is being discussed at VP level; should know on Monday.

Displaying High Value
I am orbiting less and less - I'm as floundering a bit here. Some days I'm falling backing into old habits.
I am finding OI easier and easier. For the last week it has become the default mindset.
I am starting to find my frame.

Building Relationship Comfort
In progress, continue to find and respond to tests.
If in doubt treat all tests as a shit test.
Do at least one thing for my W a week (preferably 2) just because. From my frame.
* did a couple of small things for my W (AOS) from my frame. Went easier than I thought.

I am saying no to at least 1 thing a day with no blow back. - Continue this as it is a good habit.

Personality and Preferences
In progress
No material change.

High-Energy Sex
Very much in progress

W currently sick - keeping up the drive byes, but not much else. She needs to be looked after at the moment - from my frame. Sickness does not change it.

***
W is still getting over hay fever.

I just need to keep up the work and help out more. Just need to be mindful not to slip backwards into NG.

Lenny · October 23

Traveled for work last week

Interrupted exercise, meals & sleep.

Ate OK
I did get some exercise in - not my usual.

OLD MONKEYS
I'm traveling this week for work, so diet is going to be hard.

1) Stay focused on diet - can't out train a crap diet. WAS OK not great.
2) Train in the hotel gym - Did
3) Flirt over the phone, skype etc. - did
4) Captain the time away, set up regular skype back home home. - did

NEW MONKEYS
1) Get back on the diet and stay focused.
2) Get back into 10,000 KB swing challenge.
3) Orbiting - stay focused on not orbiting (found myself doing it again)

MAP - Tracking Update 23 Oct
Next Review MAP 30 Oct

Fitness, Food, and Health
On Track
Started 10000 Kb swing challenge.
Stay on track over the next 3 weeks

## get back on the wagon.

Money and Material Stuff
No change from last week.
Job is now with HR, a jd should be released in 2 weeks.

Displaying High Value
I am orbiting less and less - I'm as floundering a bit here. Some days I'm falling backing into old habits. I'm at least spotting when I fail here.
I am finding OI easier and easier. For the last week it has become the default mindset.
I am starting to find my frame.

Building Relationship Comfort
In progress, continue to find and respond to tests.
If in doubt treat all tests as a shit test.
Do at least one thing for my W a week (preferably 2) just because.

I'm getting better at spotting shit test now I'm confidently A&A them away.
I'm getting better at A&A
I'm still doing something just because (last week it was 1, work travel)

I'm finding doing something is helping my W (AoS) from reacting to the changes badly, the mix seems to be working.

Personality and Preferences
In progress
No material change.

High-Energy Sex
Very much in progress

Still no sex, but W climbed over to my side of the bed and put her head on my shoulder. She doesn't do this normally. This feels like a milestone to me.

***
I'm now starting to ask for my W to do something for me most days, and getting a yes at least 50% of the time with no blow back at all.

Lenny · October 26

I feel different now.

It feels like I'm no longer being ruled by little Lenny. He really was a being such a dick about my life

It feels like for the first time, I'm in control of my life. I'm no longer a walking erection waiting to get laid. I'm confident I will get laid, I know I need to move my relationship ship upwards into the green zone before this will happen consistently.

I'm killing the covert contracts dead;
Leading to better OI
That improves and maintains my frame.

W is noticing and starting to change her behavior.

I feel like I'm moving through the red phase and into the orange phase.

W is doing drive buys, she is happier, I'm happier.

Still no sex, but honestly I'm no longer doing this for sex, but for me. Sex will come, I just need to move more solidly into the yellow zone, then into the green zone more often.

Completely not an issue.

Just need to start to prioritize some parts of the MAP, that I have not really looked into too deeply because my focus was on the low hanging fruit.

Add this to my monkeys for next week.

LordFlashheart · October 29

That ^^^^ is all awesome @Lenny and great to have read for inspiration on a Saturday morning. You've got this. Keep it up.

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