Wife wants to separate for a while.

Runner2016

My wife has been asking me what I think about us separating for a while so she can think and make some decisions. The decisions would basically be to come back to us or get divorced. She has always been somewhat rebellious and is even more determined to do something if someone doesn’t want her to. So me objecting to her moving out just makes her want to do it more.

She said she is not doing it so she can go have fun, but that she really just wants some time to think. She said that all the questions that I ask her (I decided to stop asking her questions a couple of days ago, e.g. did you text him?, are you wearing that shirt?, etc.) make her resentful towards me and that time away might due her some good. I’m working my MAP, and getting started with the videos etc., still working on the foundation. She says she hasn’t really seen very much of a change yet. I’m sure that’s true, but since joining the forum, reading the books, and starting the videos I feel a change starting. She obviously still isn't happy in our relationship and is considering leaving me.

I’m worried that if she moves out she will not be able to be around and see the changes I’m making, not to mention she may never come back. She on the other hand thinks the changes will be more pronounced when we see each other, that she will miss me, won't be annoyed etc.

She hasn’t made any specific plans yet but said she would like to move out soon. She said she would still have to be close by so she could take care of the kids on her days so I can work. I don't really know what that means. No idea where she would stay etc.

Has anyone ever gone through this? I need advice from someone who has actually gone through this, not just people who think it’s a bad or good idea.  I already think it’s a bad idea, so you don’t need to convince me of that. My wife is stubborn and will do what she wants so putting down ultimatums etc. won’t work either.

Can someone who has gone through this before give me some advice?

Beatrice

Your best bet is to schedule a call with Athol right away. That's where you will get the best advice.

JellyBean

If she wants a trial separation there is a +90% chance she wants to feel free to fuck another man without feeling guilty for cheating. Remember Ross and Rachel from Friends? "We were on a break!"

frillyfun

Call Athol, and call a lawyer.  See what your rights are in this situation, and prepare for the worst just in case.  

fordsvt

I almost left for a trial separation three years ago.  Looking back now I really doubt I'd have come back.  Our MC suggested it and after awhile I bought in and that scared the shit out of W.  My marriage now is the best it's ever been.  So I think I'd have been making a huge error.  

I didnt have  another woman or affair waiting either.  So if your wife leaves now she's not coming back man.   You seem to think she's texting that guy? Maybe ?   She'll be gone. 

soa2005

@Runner2016

I second calling athol and a lawyer. 

Your wife is having an affair. It is definitely an emotional affair. At this point it is my opinion that the affair is most likely physical. You are at a critical point in your marriage and you may only have one shot to save it.

Again, I strongly suggest calling athol in order to come up with a plan to break your wife out of the affair fog. Until then do not agree to a separation and do not move out of the house. Also, gather and save any  evidence you have of inappropriate behavior between your wife and the other man. This evidence may become useful down the road in order to blow up the other mans relationship with his girlfriend and / or to break your wife out of the fog. 

SaigoTakamori

Call with Athol

Angeline

"Taking a break" is a trial, play-land divorce, without the icky painful actual divorce proceedings. She gets to go play Single Girl with no repercussions. IMO,  you tell her no way, if she's done with the marriage you'll help her pack, but there will be no playing at divorce. There is married, and there is not married. She thinks she's going to get a begging, pleading Runner, not one who stands up for himself. It can cause a spouse determined to leave to have nervous second thoughts. 

I second, third, fourth the advice to call Athol. He has pulled an impressive number of nearly dead marriages out of the fire. You need the experts on this one.

DaddyOh

Just picture your wife separated a month from now on a Saturday night. You think she's eating ice cream and watching The Notebook? Nope. 

Double A...Athol and Attorney. 

fredless

Angeline said:

"Taking a break" is a trial, play-land divorce, without the icky painful actual divorce proceedings. She gets to go play Single Girl with no repercussions. IMO,  you tell her no way, if she's done with the marriage you'll help her pack, but there will be no playing at divorce. There is married, and there is not married. She thinks she's going to get a begging, pleading Runner, not one who stands up for himself. It can cause a spouse determined to leave to have nervous second thoughts. 

I second, third, fourth the advice to call Athol. He has pulled an impressive number of nearly dead marriages out of the fire. You need the experts on this one.

First, I agree with everyone else in that you should speak with Athol.  I can tell you from experience it is well worth the cost.

Second-I would bet if this separation happens she's fucking that other guy within hours. 

I agree with Angeline.  I would tell my wife that I do not believe in separation (I don't).  If this is what she wants, then I'm going to find a lawyer and we will be divorcing.  [These are not just words.  I would find a lawyer and start proceedings immediately.]

I would tell my wife that either she is all in or she is all out.  She gets one chance at this and one chance only.  She chooses separation, I choose divorce and I don't look back.

nubby

You're plan "A" either hers or someone else's. Never be plan "B"

HildaCorners

Everyone above said what I want to say, but my perspective is a bit different.

"I want a trial separation, I have a lot to think about," is usually shorthand for "I want to explore what being a single woman will feel like at this point in my life. Can I manage it and be happier than I am in my marriage? I need to live the single life for a while to find out."

I note she has the kids living with you, except when she wants to take them. So she's "exploring" what it would be like to live without full time parenting duties, too.

She's playing at being in her 20s again ... there's a cultural fantasy of being a single woman with a good job, who spends her evenings clubbing (or in expensive silk lounge wear painting her toenails) and spending her money on $500 shoes. The reality, especially for a mom with kids is very different. She wants to live the fantasy without any of the real life obligations.

It's not your job to help her escape reality. As everyone above says, you are married until you are not.

Angeline

That's pretty much exactly what everyone else is saying, and it isn't limited to women.

Runner2016

I appreciate everyone's comments. This is a crappy situation. 

Just thinking out load here: I don't want my wife to be miserable in our marriage. Whats the point of that? I don't know that she wants to play single woman for a while or if she really does want to put some distance between us thinking that without being bothered by me she will like me more. Although I'm really trying not to bother anymore. Part of me wants her to move out if moving out is what she wants. Just like part of me would want to divorce her if that's what she wants. idk. very frustrated here. 

I don't know what Athol could say that hasn't already been said above. How much does he charge? I'm not made of $$. If I really thought he could help I'd be more up for it.

When my wife makes up her mind her mind is made. If she is set on separating it will happen. We are both about the most stubborn people ever.

My wife insists she is not having an affair, and isn't planning on having an affair. I don't know what to think. I'm paranoid anyway so probably not in the best from of mind.

I wish I would have found these great resources a couple of years ago.

fredless

Runner2016 said:

I appreciate everyone's comments. This is a crappy situation. 

Just thinking out load here: I don't want my wife to be miserable in our marriage. Whats the point of that? I don't know that she wants to play single woman for a while or if she really does want to put some distance between us thinking that without being bothered by me she will like me more.  She may say this and think this, but this is nothing more than a rationalization on her part. Although I'm really trying not to bother anymore. Part of me wants her to move out if moving out is what she wants. Just like part of me would want to divorce her if that's what she wants. idk. very frustrated here. Right now, your wife doesn't respect you.  No one knows if she will choose to be all in or all out if you give her an ultimatum--but I strongly believe that if you do not give her an ultimatum or otherwise meekly acquiesce to a trial separation, she will lose even more respect for you.  And it is impossible to be attracted to someone you do not respect.

I don't know what Athol could say that hasn't already been said above. How much does he charge? I'm not made of $$. If I really thought he could help I'd be more up for it.  Last time I checked, the cost is $150 for a one-hour phone call.  He has excellent insight and great knowledge in this area.  You will have someone with all this knowledge, insight, and experience able to answer your questions and help you develop a plan.

When my wife makes up her mind her mind is made. If she is set on separating it will happen. We are both about the most stubborn people ever.

My wife insists she is not having an affair, and isn't planning on having an affair. I don't know what to think. I'm paranoid anyway so probably not in the best from of mind.  Your wife is rationalizing.  She has already told you that she is attracted/has feelings for this man.  She will separate from you, go to an "innocent" lunch or dinner with this guy, and surprisingly and in a completely unplanned way one thing will lead to another and it will just happen that they ended up having sex.

I wish I would have found these great resources a couple of years ago.  You have found it now.  You cannot change the past.  You can only change your future.  Your stay plan is the same as your go plan.

Angeline

Runner2016 said:

I appreciate everyone's comments. This is a crappy situation. Just thinking out load here: I don't want my wife to be miserable in our marriage.

Oh poor little her. You are far too accomodating of her desire to take a marriage vacation. If you knew she was going to sleep with this guy you have suspicions about, would you be so kindhearted about her miserableness? Because it is highly likely that is what will occur.

 Whats the point of that? I don't know that she wants to play single woman for a while or if she really does want to put some distance between us thinking that without being bothered by me she will like me more. Although I'm really trying not to bother anymore. Part of me wants her to move out if moving out is what she wants. Just like part of me would want to divorce her if that's what she wants. idk. very frustrated here.

We're saying that separation almost never "fixes" anything wrong with the marriage, but especially not if there are hints and suspicions about an affair. It's permission to step out of the marriage in many people's minds. We're saying don't fund her little vacation.
 
I don't know what Athol could say that hasn't already been said above. How much does he charge? I'm not made of $$. If I really thought he could help I'd be more up for it.

Less than a divorce will cost you. We're all volunteers, and the quality of our advice is exactly what you paid for it. We don't have time to read through a detailed questionnaire, sit down with you and really hash out your issues - it's hit and run. Athol does that. 

When my wife makes up her mind her mind is made. If she is set on separating it will happen. We are both about the most stubborn people ever.

LOL. I would have said that about my ex as well. However, somehow I summoned the gumption (way before MMSL existed) to say, "nope. You want to separate, then we are not married anymore. We'll make it official." He already had deposits on an apartment, and the 180° he did was dizzying. It was a good start on turning things around, then we lost a child, and it fell apart. But standing up for myself reset the way we interacted, and nuked his single life fantasy with a cold shower of reality. You have no idea how she'll react to a @Runner2016 who stands up for himself.

My wife insists she is not having an affair, and isn't planning on having an affair. I don't know what to think. I'm paranoid anyway so probably not in the best from of mind. I wish I would have found these great resources a couple of years ago.

Contact Jen and find out, I don't want to give the wrong amount, but I don't know of anyone who has not found a one hour call extremely helpful.
http://marriedmansexlife.com/subscriptions-and-forum-contact/

Rorschach

Call Athol. He will not just say what has already been said. He will help you come up with an actionable plan. Worth every penny. Really. Do it.

DaddyOh

Angeline said:

That's pretty much exactly what everyone else is saying, and it isn't limited to women.

Yup. 
@Runner2016 don't allow yourself to be guilted into a separation. Just because she did not live it up in her 20s does not mean she can destroy a marriage and negatively affect your kids lives. 

No one forced her to get married.  How about some accountability and responsibility. 

And agree with @Angeline, you stand your ground and odds are she'll come around. My ExW asked for a legal separation. Gave it to her. Moved 3k miles away. 6 months later she's on the phone "So when are you coming back? I miss you"

I was to deep into the red pill to even give her a 5th chance. 

nubby

@Runner2016 if it was me in your situation I would let the other man's gf know what your wife told you about the feelings and EA. I'd nuke it!

Then if your wife flips out because of it you know pretty much for certain where this "separation" was headed. In which case I would contact a lawyer and learn exactly what my options were. 

If you want to save this marriage, a call to Athol is what you need to breathe life back into it. 

If You do separate, how long are/will you tolerate being in limbo and playing the "pick me" game? It seems your wife is swinging between branches but is afraid to completely let go in case the new branch breaks. 

How do you repair a marriage if you are separated?

I can't cook a meal if I'm not in the kitchen. 

Crashaxe

No.

No separation. Not Happening.

That door she is headed for only goes one way- It swings OUT. It doesn't swing back in.

You two are either:

Married AND BOTH parties working on the relationship (She doesn't get to sit back, do nothing, and be nasty passive-aggressive while you work your ass off to improve things),

or;

Divorcing.

No Limbo. You most certainly don't want to go there.

You need to gain her respect, because right now she has none for you. If you stand up to her against the Limbo of Separation, that will be the start of her starting to respect you when she realizes that you have found your spine.

You desperately need to do a One Hour Call with Athol. Spending $149 for an hour with the Master himself as opposed to his students, which is what you are getting on this forum, is a hell of a bargain.

It is also most definitely cheaper than a Divorce.

Runner2016

I honestly don't think she is having an affair with the guy. She is very attracted to him. He makes her pussy wet. They have not done anything. My wife is 39, he is 26.She knows it wouldn't work out as well as he does. They have one class together one day a week. I already asked her to stop texting him and she said she has. After the semester ends they will never see each other again.

I'm still reluctant to fork over $150 for an hour with Athol but if it comes to that I will. My wife has PMS right now, is already tired all the time from school, and has clinicals all day today and tomorrow. 

I agree with everyone that separation can't happen. I will do all I can. If she leaves then that has to be it. Logistically she hasn't thought anything through, there is no way it could work where she still got to see the kids etc. as she said she would. I agree with @Crashaxe that both parties have to be working at it.