If she walks out how much would you pay to get her back? $150 is nothing towards saving your marriage.
I had legal separation papers in my hand, and made a last ditch coaching call figuring it was cheaper than a lawyer. Best $100 I ever spent.
4
HildaCornersWinter? You call *that* winter?Gold WomenPosts: 3,377
It doesn't matter if he won't do anything with her.
I've been in that EA dopamine fog. Yes, the EA partner is your primary focus, but you are vulnerable to other men and other things while in that fog.
If a man tries to pick up your wife and she mentions: "My husband and I are in a trial separation," chances are very good she won't be alone that night. The dopamine fog is clouding her judgement ... at home, she has you to mate-guard and remind her she's a monogamous wife. If she's living elsewhere, she has none of that.
We're trying to convince you that "trial separation" is not a trial. If you can't bring yourself to say Married or not, at least insist that you have a legal separation agreement drawn up before she moves out. As this is the first step of divorce, it will make her think twice ... and it can always be torn up f you get back together.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
Just for the record, a 26 year old guy will absolutely have sex with a 39 year old woman who wants him. You remember being 26, right? Do not rule out an affair just because he's younger.
Speak your truth.
18
Rorschach"Just ask the axis ..."Silver MemberPosts: 1,458
I can assure you that a half decent divorce lawyer will cost you considerably more than $150 an hour, to say nothing of the support payments ... As they say, penny wise but pound foolish.
Just for the record, a 26 year old guy will absolutely have sex with a 39 year old woman who wants him. You remember being 26, right? Do not rule out an affair just because he's younger.
Yes, this is what people are trying to tell you. Not that she's already having an affair, but that a trial separation will likely be a rocket blast toward making it happen. the fact that the semester is about to end provides EXTRA pressure, not less. There's an artificial sunset creating drama and a sense of urgency for this flirtation.
And you need to stop thinking in terms of this being logically foolish or unsustainable because of thier ages. They have no thought of age difference or logic or long term.
"Speak your truth." - Scarlet Remember to play! Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not. Be married, until you are not.
"The turnaround is tremendous. And I'm lifting weights, eating better, and tackling projects. I have all this great energy without a vampire sucking my life force. He's a lot stronger standing on his own two feet, as well." - Scarlet
Make clear to her that moving out will result in your filing for divorce! (I actually think this is what she wants you to do.) And spring for the $150 for Athol, you need a laser sharp focus on how to improve fast.
She may not be having an affair with this 26 year old, but as you stated, she is attracted to him and he "makes her wet". It seems like she is rediscovering that she is a woman and has sexual needs that aren't being fulfilled. I'm not blaming you, just observing. I think that it is extremely likely that during this "trial separation", she is going to be attracted to a lot of men, at least a few will find her attractive enough for a roll in the hay. She may eventually decide that you are the better deal and return.
You, my man, are "Plan B" right now. Be the only option or be done.
@friz - You can blame me, I'm sure it's at least half my fault. Although our sex has always been good she has not been getting the sexual attraction, initiation, etc. that she has wanted since we have been married.
We didn't discuss a separation yesterday after she got home, I'll see how it goes tonight.
I agree with everyone that separation is the first stage of divorce. If it comes to that I'll give @Athol_Kay a call. Before then I'll keep reading, watching the videos, and working my MAP. If she only wants to move out when she has PMS I should have some time to improve my attraction etc. I know its a long shot, but I'm doing all i can. The past few days have been hard for me (not asking multiple questions, not complaining about the sex I'm not getting, and not doing things for her to get sex), but I think they have been much better for our relationship. We haven't argued even once but have talked to each other and spent some quality time together.
I know everything that everyone says above is true. I don't think she has had a physical affair but I know she isn't far from it. I'm urgently doing all I can to be my best self.
Honestly, in my opinion, myself personally would not want to stay with someone who does not want to be with me and is getting all "wet" from a 26 year old guy. I would be holding door open as she left and not be option "B".
But it's your life and your wife so do what you want to do.
Having self respect is the first step in getting the respect from her. If she wants the fun of a single life and having younger guys go after her, she does not get to come back after this guy pumps and dumps her.
This guy for the most part does not want an older woman for a LTR. He wants to just have fun for a few months.
A trial separation is a bad idea. It gives your wife a chance to be out being single without any consequences. There are consequences. She can lose you. There are a ton of posters on this site that saw separation eventually lead to divorce. There are also a ton of posters on here who gave option A and B (stay or divorce with no middle ground) that moved back from the edge, and are still together after working on their problems as a team.
Heres the script of what your wife wants. She wants to move out (with your help). She wants you to bring the kids by occasionally. She wants you to come over and set up her Internet for her. That way she can create match.com profiles for dating. Essentially, this puts you in the friend zone.
The problem is you aren't her friend. It's stay or go. If it were me I would file if she leaves. Period. Would I help her move? Fuck no. Someone in the friend zone would do that. Hook up her Internet? Nope. I only do that for someone I'm fucking (or my elderly mother). Shoulder to cry on? No, she lost that privilege when she left. That's reserved for someone I'm fucking.
Shes flirting with with a younger guy, and blaming you because you were having a problem with that. Oh well.
Her: "I can't believe how childish you are acting about this guy".
You: "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I don't take to kindly to threats to our family".
A separation is the worst idea. It will not end well, and will likely guarantee you will not want her back after she's screwed much of the town. Be strong and that likely will not happen.
oneeyeddrunk.weebly.com
6
HildaCornersWinter? You call *that* winter?Gold WomenPosts: 3,377
@HildaCorners - I agree. I like the idea of a legal separation agreement. Actually I hate it, but it makes sense to do it.
Thanks for the info re the dopamine fog. I think shes in one. That explains a lot.
You'll need to see a lawyer to get that separation agreement drawn up.
It sounds like she's pulled herself back from the edge ... but you probably should research local lawyers in case you need one to draw up the papers. It will only take an hour or two for a standard agreement, so only about twice a call to Athol.
Dopamine fog is a tricky thing. It's very intoxicating, and it can definitely cloud one's judgement. You know that "I'm in LOVE! and the world is a wonderful place" feeling? That's dopamine fog. In the fog, you don't realize your love object has faults, or you see them and absolutely don't care.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
I think the OP gets it. This in particular is unhelpful. Unless you've been there, you don't know how you'd react in that situation, and anyway, that should have no impact on what the OP decides is right for his life.
Honestly, in my opinion, myself personally would not want to stay with someone who does not want to be with me and is getting all "wet" from a 26 year old guy. I would be holding door open as she left and not be option "B".
But it's your life and your wife so do what you want to do.
"Speak your truth." - Scarlet Remember to play! Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not. Be married, until you are not.
I see your concerns over 150 bucks for Athols help... Money IS energy...Spending ON YOU is spending Energy to move towards a solution. I gotta say..right now you seem rooted and stuck in a "poor me" phase. I have not had this happen to me so I cannot offer any advice on how it feels.
However This IS Happening and it will continue to happen..Unless You Take Action to alter is present course. That means you spend energy to affect the direction.
"Every man dies... Have you Truly LIVED?" Is the question.
You have received really solid advice.. Now Move a direction.
I agree with what everyone is saying up there ^^^^^.
My wife would have moved out last week end. Instead, I had a one hour call with Athol, put together a good approach and executed it.
Not only did my wife not move out, she's unpacked everything she had packed in preparation without my asking.
Now I've been here for a lot longer (Three Years today) than you have, but you can still do this, you can still save your marriage. What you can't do is make more mistakes, even unknowingly.
Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol. Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl
@Runner2016 - I just went back and read your triage again and found some things that are in your favor; if you play them right.
Your wife doesn't work, right? Full time student and she's met POSOM at school?
Your children are 12, 10, and 6.
How can your wife move out and live on her own? How can she afford to do that? Doesn't make sense to me and I'd be pulling the financial rug out from under her feet. Why should you pay for her to play?
Anyhow, thought I'd bring that up. There may be an ultimatum for you to give her here. Either chose to stay and fight for the marriage and family or move out and file for divorce.
Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol. Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl
@CartB4Horse makes an excellent point. Is she expecting you to break out the checkbook, and set her up in an apartment? She's definitely thinking irrationally as a stay at home mom of three if she thinks that could happen. It's definitely a dopamine fog she's under if that's what she's got in mind.
Comments
I had legal separation papers in my hand, and made a last ditch coaching call figuring it was cheaper than a lawyer. Best $100 I ever spent.
I've been in that EA dopamine fog. Yes, the EA partner is your primary focus, but you are vulnerable to other men and other things while in that fog.
If a man tries to pick up your wife and she mentions: "My husband and I are in a trial separation," chances are very good she won't be alone that night. The dopamine fog is clouding her judgement ... at home, she has you to mate-guard and remind her she's a monogamous wife. If she's living elsewhere, she has none of that.
We're trying to convince you that "trial separation" is not a trial. If you can't bring yourself to say Married or not, at least insist that you have a legal separation agreement drawn up before she moves out. As this is the first step of divorce, it will make her think twice ... and it can always be torn up f you get back together.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
Thanks for the info re the dopamine fog. I think shes in one. That explains a lot.
And you need to stop thinking in terms of this being logically foolish or unsustainable because of thier ages. They have no thought of age difference or logic or long term.
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
As a general rule of thumb once someone moves out, the ability to improve the relationship drops off markedly.
Doesn't really even matter that much why they are moving out.
One Hour Call 12-Week Guided MAP
"The turnaround is tremendous. And I'm lifting weights, eating better, and tackling projects. I have all this great energy without a vampire sucking my life force. He's a lot stronger standing on his own two feet, as well." - Scarlet
I think that it is extremely likely that during this "trial separation", she is going to be attracted to a lot of men, at least a few will find her attractive enough for a roll in the hay.
She may eventually decide that you are the better deal and return.
You, my man, are "Plan B" right now.
Be the only option or be done.
We didn't discuss a separation yesterday after she got home, I'll see how it goes tonight.
I agree with everyone that separation is the first stage of divorce. If it comes to that I'll give @Athol_Kay a call. Before then I'll keep reading, watching the videos, and working my MAP. If she only wants to move out when she has PMS I should have some time to improve my attraction etc. I know its a long shot, but I'm doing all i can. The past few days have been hard for me (not asking multiple questions, not complaining about the sex I'm not getting, and not doing things for her to get sex), but I think they have been much better for our relationship. We haven't argued even once but have talked to each other and spent some quality time together.
I know everything that everyone says above is true. I don't think she has had a physical affair but I know she isn't far from it. I'm urgently doing all I can to be my best self.
But it's your life and your wife so do what you want to do.
Having self respect is the first step in getting the respect from her.
If she wants the fun of a single life and having younger guys go after her, she does not get to come back after this guy pumps and dumps her.
This guy for the most part does not want an older woman for a LTR. He wants to just have fun for a few months.
Heres the script of what your wife wants. She wants to move out (with your help). She wants you to bring the kids by occasionally. She wants you to come over and set up her Internet for her. That way she can create match.com profiles for dating. Essentially, this puts you in the friend zone.
The problem is you aren't her friend. It's stay or go. If it were me I would file if she leaves. Period. Would I help her move? Fuck no. Someone in the friend zone would do that. Hook up her Internet? Nope. I only do that for someone I'm fucking (or my elderly mother). Shoulder to cry on? No, she lost that privilege when she left. That's reserved for someone I'm fucking.
Shes flirting with with a younger guy, and blaming you because you were having a problem with that. Oh well.
Her: "I can't believe how childish you are acting about this guy".
You: "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I don't take to kindly to threats to our family".
A separation is the worst idea. It will not end well, and will likely guarantee you will not want her back after she's screwed much of the town. Be strong and that likely will not happen.
It sounds like she's pulled herself back from the edge ... but you probably should research local lawyers in case you need one to draw up the papers. It will only take an hour or two for a standard agreement, so only about twice a call to Athol.
Dopamine fog is a tricky thing. It's very intoxicating, and it can definitely cloud one's judgement. You know that "I'm in LOVE! and the world is a wonderful place" feeling? That's dopamine fog. In the fog, you don't realize your love object has faults, or you see them and absolutely don't care.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
I see your concerns over 150 bucks for Athols help... Money IS energy...Spending ON YOU is spending Energy to move towards a solution.
I gotta say..right now you seem rooted and stuck in a "poor me" phase. I have not had this happen to me so I cannot offer any advice on how it feels.
However This IS Happening and it will continue to happen..Unless You Take Action to alter is present course. That means you spend energy to affect the direction.
"Every man dies... Have you Truly LIVED?" Is the question.
You have received really solid advice.. Now Move a direction.
All the best Homie.
Fate favors the prepared.
My wife would have moved out last week end. Instead, I had a one hour call with Athol, put together a good approach and executed it.
Not only did my wife not move out, she's unpacked everything she had packed in preparation without my asking.
Now I've been here for a lot longer (Three Years today) than you have, but you can still do this, you can still save your marriage. What you can't do is make more mistakes, even unknowingly.
Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol. Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl
- Your wife doesn't work, right? Full time student and she's met POSOM at school?
- Your children are 12, 10, and 6.
How can your wife move out and live on her own? How can she afford to do that? Doesn't make sense to me and I'd be pulling the financial rug out from under her feet. Why should you pay for her to play?Anyhow, thought I'd bring that up. There may be an ultimatum for you to give her here. Either chose to stay and fight for the marriage and family or move out and file for divorce.
Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol. Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl
How goes this?
Fate favors the prepared.