Wife wants to separate for a while.

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Comments

  • frillyfunfrillyfun East PodunkGold Women Posts: 3,386
    If she walks out how much would you pay to get her back?  $150 is nothing towards saving your marriage.

    I had legal separation papers in my hand, and made a last ditch coaching call figuring it was cheaper than a lawyer. Best $100 I ever spent.
    RorschachRunner2016TenneeCrashaxe
  • HildaCornersHildaCorners Winter? You call *that* winter?Gold Women Posts: 3,377
    It doesn't matter if he won't do anything with her.

    I've been in that EA dopamine fog. Yes, the EA partner is your primary focus, but you are vulnerable to other men and other things while in that fog.

    If a man tries to pick up your wife and she mentions: "My husband and I are in a trial separation," chances are very good she won't be alone that night. The dopamine fog is clouding her judgement ... at home, she has you to mate-guard and remind her she's a monogamous wife. If she's living elsewhere, she has none of that.

    We're trying to convince you that "trial separation" is not a trial. If you can't bring yourself to say Married  or not, at least insist that you have a legal separation agreement drawn up before she moves out. As this is the first step of divorce, it will make her think twice ... and it can always be torn up f you get back together.

    Enneagram 5w4.  I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.

    "I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
    Runner2016DaddyOhCrashaxe
  • Runner2016Runner2016 USSilver Member Posts: 48
    @HildaCorners - I agree. I like the idea of a legal separation agreement. Actually I hate it, but it makes sense to do it.

    Thanks for the info re the dopamine fog. I think shes in one. That explains a lot.
  • dalefdalef Silver Member Posts: 1,963
    Make clear to her that moving out will result in your filing for divorce! (I actually think this is what she wants you to do.) And spring for the $150 for Athol, you need a laser sharp focus on how to improve fast.
    CallmeCatRunner2016RorschachMiddleMan
  • Runner2016Runner2016 USSilver Member Posts: 48
    @friz - You can blame me, I'm sure it's at least half my fault. Although our sex has always been good she has not been getting the sexual attraction, initiation, etc. that she has wanted since we have been married. 

    We didn't discuss a separation yesterday after she got home, I'll see how it goes tonight. 

    I agree with everyone that separation is the first stage of divorce. If it comes to that I'll give @Athol_Kay a call. Before then I'll keep reading, watching the videos, and working my MAP. If she only wants to move out when she has PMS I should have some time to improve my attraction etc. I know its a long shot, but I'm doing all i can. The past few days have been hard for me (not asking multiple questions, not complaining about the sex I'm not getting, and not doing things for her to get sex), but I think they have been much better for our relationship. We haven't argued even once but have talked to each other and spent some quality time together. 

    I know everything that everyone says above is true. I don't think she has had a physical affair but I know she isn't far from it. I'm urgently doing all I can to be my best self.
  • HildaCornersHildaCorners Winter? You call *that* winter?Gold Women Posts: 3,377
    @HildaCorners - I agree. I like the idea of a legal separation agreement. Actually I hate it, but it makes sense to do it.

    Thanks for the info re the dopamine fog. I think shes in one. That explains a lot.
    You'll need to see a lawyer to get that separation agreement drawn up.

    It sounds like she's pulled herself back from the edge ... but you probably should research local lawyers in case you need one to draw up the papers. It will only take an hour or two for a standard agreement, so only about twice a call to Athol. B)

    Dopamine fog is a tricky thing. It's very intoxicating, and it can definitely cloud one's judgement. You know that "I'm in LOVE! and the world is a wonderful place" feeling? That's dopamine fog. In the fog, you don't realize your love object has faults, or you see them and absolutely don't care.

    Enneagram 5w4.  I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.

    "I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
    nubbyRunner2016guildenstern1Smashmaster
  • dalefdalef Silver Member Posts: 1,963
    If you let her separate, she will see that as YOUR rejecting her. You did not even want her enough to tell her no.
    Runner2016
  • AngelineAngeline planting seedsCategory Moderator** Posts: 14,500
    edited September 19
    I think the OP gets it. This in particular is unhelpful. Unless you've been there, you don't know how you'd react in that situation, and anyway, that should have no impact on what the OP decides is right for his life.
    markymapo said:
    Honestly, in my opinion, myself personally would not want to stay with someone who does not want to be with me and is getting all "wet" from a 26 year old guy. I would be holding door open as she left and not be option "B". 

    But it's your life and your wife so do what you want to do. 
     

    "Speak your truth." - Scarlet
    Remember to play!
    Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
    Be married, until you are not.

    Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
    KickboxerLadyOrTheTyger
  • SaigoTakamoriSaigoTakamori FLSilver Member Posts: 3,075
    @Runner2016

    I see your concerns over 150 bucks for Athols help... Money IS energy...Spending ON YOU  is spending Energy to move towards a solution.
    I gotta say..right now you seem rooted and stuck in a "poor me" phase.  I have not had this happen to me so I cannot offer any advice on how it feels.

    However This IS Happening and it will continue to happen..Unless You Take Action to alter is present course.  That means you spend energy to affect the direction.

    "Every man dies... Have you Truly LIVED?" Is the question.

    You have received really solid advice.. Now Move a direction.

    All the best Homie.
    Sweat More...bitch less
    Fate favors the prepared.
    Runner2016sf64TenneeSmashmaster
  • CartB4HorseCartB4Horse Southwest USASilver Member Posts: 4,155
    @Runner2016 - I just went back and read your triage again and found some things that are in your favor; if you play them right.
    • Your wife doesn't work, right?  Full time student and she's met POSOM at school?
    • Your children are 12, 10, and 6.
    How can your wife move out and live on her own?  How can she afford to do that? Doesn't make sense to me and I'd be pulling the financial rug out from under her feet. Why should you pay for her to play?

    Anyhow, thought I'd bring that up.  There may be an ultimatum for you to give her here. Either chose to stay and fight for the marriage and family or move out and file for divorce.

    Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol.  Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....

    “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl 

    CrashaxeSaigoTakamoriTenneeSmashmaster
  • SaigoTakamoriSaigoTakamori FLSilver Member Posts: 3,075
    @Runner2016

    How goes this?
    Sweat More...bitch less
    Fate favors the prepared.
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