Opinions on orgasm and post orgasm reactions.

42andatowel42andatowel United StatesSilver Member Posts: 325
We had a couple of really good sessions this past week.  However there was a little hiccup on one and I'm looking for a little feedback.

Sorry this will be a little long, but I think context and background are important for this one.

My wife has always had a difficult time with orgasms.  I've posted several times about the one very specific vibrator and never finding anything else that works for her.  We've learned to make it work for us, although it does kill some of the spontaneity.  

Now, even though she almost always orgasms in the exact same position, with an almost identical type of stimulation, the strength of her orgasm can vary considerably, usually as a result of any extra stimulation I manage to bring via g-spot, etc.

She has very rarely had what I would call a full-body orgasm, and those are awesome.  However years can go between those, despite my best efforts.  She'll also occasionally have a really good/significantly above average orgasm, that just leaves her laying there basking in the afterglow for quite some time.  She'll also, once in a great while be up for multiples, chasing a second, third or fourth orgasm.  Then 95% of the time, it's just a single good (but average) orgasm, she'll snuggle up/roll over afterwards, and drift off to sleep.

So over the weekend she had one of those basking in the afterglow type orgasms.  My intention was to initiate sex, and I was pushing all the right buttons, escalating things, and I just got carried away and forgot about the sex and pushed it into obviously building to orgasm territory for her.  I even managed to get the vibrator out without breaking the escalation.  She's struggling a lot to get there, which results in a lot of unintentional edging, but she does get there, and it's a really good orgasm for her.  One of those where she wants to lay there in the afterglow and not move for hours, but one where she's not really drifting off to sleep either.

Of course I'm horny now (getting her off really gets me ramped up).  Of course sex is off the table, which I obviously know.  So I lay down beside her and proceed to start taking care of myself.  She reaches over and offers a little half-hearted assistance.  I can tell she's in one of those doesn't want to move states, really basking in the afterglow.  I make a suggestion, and she comments about not wanting to move and kill the afterglow and suggests an alternative, which I agree with.

I move closer to her to facilitate this and she immediately says never mind, and moves to proceed with my original suggestion.  I can see all of this happening, and it's like my little bit of movement just totally deflated her afterglow bubble.

Of course now she enthusiastically moves on to helping me finish, but then I can tell she's just really disappointed for having lost the afterglow.  Hours later I can still sense the disappointment from her, and obviously if not fo that she would have been fast asleep.

So my question to the group is two fold.  1.  In the moment when it happened I said "I'm sorry you lost the afterglow, do you want to go for round 2 and get back there?" which he declined, as she has no faith we'd actually get back to that perfect blissful state, and would likely just giver her an ordinary orgasm.  She didn't say that, but I know that's it.  Now the following day, other than the effects of a restless nights sleep, she's fine.  I'm assuming i should do nothing more here, don't mention it, etc.  

The real question, primarily to the ladies, does any of this make sense to you?  When you get to the total and complete bliss state can something kill it that easily?  I sense from her with the disappointment of it being "killed" rather than fading away on its own it that it erased any and all good feelings it engendered?

Thanks.


Comments

  • mrsthingmrsthing New YorkMember Posts: 258
    When I am in this state, I personally don't stay in it for long, so if my H hasn't finished,  I'm happy to help him do so.  But a lot of the time, I fall asleep if he doesn't try to keep it going! My H seems pretty proud of himself if I pass out asleep after FWIW, I can almost see him puffing up his chest the next day.
    UnBetaMe42andatowel
  • forestleafforestleaf At the farmGold Women Posts: 1,703
    edited September 19
    "Afterglow" is not a thing for me.  I'm surprised it's a "thing" for anyone.  If I don't want to get up and help my H with his orgasm after mine, then that's simply because I'm feeling lazy.  Which is a poor excuse.   Did your wife at some point express how important this "afterglow" is to her that makes you think it's a big deal?
    Angelinesoa2005HowlAtTheMoonCarebear
  • 42andatowel42andatowel United StatesSilver Member Posts: 325
    "Afterglow" is not a thing for me.  I'm surprised it's a "thing" for anyone.  If I don't want to get up and help my H with his orgasm after mine, then that's simply because I'm feeling lazy.  Which is a poor excuse.   Did your wife at some point express how important this "afterglow" is to her that makes you think it's a big deal?
    I'll elaborate here. Typing this out makes it sound much worse than it was in the moment.  As we were discussing an increase/change in the way she could assist me, she mentioned she didn't want to "lose this feeling" but she'd already thought about doing it to help me out.  So I suggested an option that wouldn't require her to move and she agreed.  Of course that required me to move closer to her, and i the moving I shifted her position enough that she lost the feeling anyways.

    The afterglow affect on her is obvious, and only happens once every year or so after an incredibly powerful orgasm.  I think it might be different if those super powerful orgasms occurred more frequently.

    I don't know if important is the right word, but when we were talking she definitely conveyed how badly she wanted to hold onto what she was feeling.

    I also have another example from a past session that reinforces her feelings about the "afterglow." I might elaborate on it later, but suffice it to say, I believe her "afterglow" is real, more of a blissful state, and I realize it's fragile, can be broken/shattered/deflated, and it's not her simply being lazy.

    So I was hoping to hear from others who experience an afterglow or blissful state post orgasm and how long it lasts for them, and if they have ever experienced that same disappointment when it is interrupted, deflated, shattered, etc.
  • AngelineAngeline planting seedsCategory Moderator** Posts: 14,501
    So I was hoping to hear from others who experience an afterglow or blissful state post orgasm and how long it lasts for them, and if they have ever experienced that same disappointment when it is interrupted, deflated, shattered, etc.

    Yes

    It is my personal belief that it is a continuation of orgasm, and I think it's seconds to minutes (not sure lol)

    I still say it doesn't matter if it requires you to lie there motionless for her to have it
    "Speak your truth." - Scarlet
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  • 42andatowel42andatowel United StatesSilver Member Posts: 325
    Angeline said:
    If her pleasure requires you to become invisible for X minutes? Hours? afterward, I think she saves that for solo masturbation. Couple sex is for both parties. You aren't her Sex Jeeves. Why is sex with you off the table because she had an orgasm?? I call bullshit. 

    The real issue is why is orgasm so difficult, and what is SHE doing to fix it? We have a poster here on the forum who had never had an orgasm, and she researched and experimented and stepped out of her comfort zone and made huge strides. 
    1.  This happens once a year or so. (The super powerful orgasm that brings on the "afterglow" that she prefers to hold onto.)

    2.  Her solo sessions aren't nearly as satisfying for her as our joint sessions.  Without going into too much detail, there are a few anatomical items that make it harder for her to get a vibrator/dildo in the perfect internal spot, while maintaining the exact right clitoral stimulation.  I can reach places she can't.

    3.  I've posted before about her trouble with orgasm, needing a specific vibrator, etc.  I won't rehash all of that here, buy here is a link to my comments regarding that in another thread:

    http://marriedmansexlife.vanillacommunities.com/discussion/comment/498396/#Comment_498396

    We've spent literally thousands of dollars if not tens of thousands of dollars trying everything imaginable to get her to orgasm.  We've found exactly one thing (a very specific vibrator) that works.

    I would eventually like to see her work on this some more on her own, but I'm not at a map point where I can set that expectation yet.


  • 42andatowel42andatowel United StatesSilver Member Posts: 325
    Angeline said:
    So I was hoping to hear from others who experience an afterglow or blissful state post orgasm and how long it lasts for them, and if they have ever experienced that same disappointment when it is interrupted, deflated, shattered, etc.

    Yes

    It is my personal belief that it is a continuation of orgasm, and I think it's seconds to minutes (not sure lol)

    I still say it doesn't matter if it requires you to lie there motionless for her to have it
    On point 1, she had about 20 minutes of this before it was interrupted.....not sure if this is an unusually long period of time for it to last or not.  If she hadn't been trying to offer me assistance she probably would have been asleep before it got interrupted.

    On 2.  Not really motionless, just stay on my side of the bed, I can do whatever I want, turn on the TV, turn on my lamp and read a book, etc.  It just seems to be the movement of her body that kills whatever feeling she's having.  Sometimes she's less or more sensitive to being touched at all in that state.
  • mrsthingmrsthing New YorkMember Posts: 258
    20 minutes?  20 minutes after I have an O, I don't care how powerful it is, I'm either into round 2 or off watching Netflix. Or more likely, eating something LOL, sex makes me hungry! I know we are all different but something about this doesn't add up to me.

    Is she daydreaming about something?
    UnBetaMeHowlAtTheMoonAngelineRedford
  • HildaCornersHildaCorners Winter? You call *that* winter?Gold Women Posts: 3,377
    If orgasms are this rare for her, and good Os are even rarer, why are you not getting your rocks off first?

    Or, you both get your Os separately, on your own schedules, with each others' help. So you get to pound her 3-4 times a week, without worrying about her O, and you help her get her O once a week or so (or whatever your schedules are). You need to Captain your and her sex.

    I have a very short afterglow (a couple minutes at most), so I can't help with that.

    Enneagram 5w4.  I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.

    "I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
  • CallmeCatCallmeCat DownsouthSilver Member Posts: 236
    I guess I don't get this either. I don't easily O either but when I have a real powerful one I am pooped afterwards. Sometimes it is hard for me to finish having piv with the hubs but  I do. I guess it's good that you don't have to deal with that very often that's a bit odd.
  • 42andatowel42andatowel United StatesSilver Member Posts: 325
    If orgasms are this rare for her, and good Os are even rarer, why are you not getting your rocks off first?
    Orgasms aren't that rare, they just require the vibrator and her to use it.

    I do usually get off first.   Sex for us is usually some variations on foreplay, then PIV in one of several positions that work for us until my O, then the vibrator and fingers or a gspot vibe until her O.

    That's what I was going for this time, but I've been trying to ramp up the foreplay and I could tell I had pushed past a certain point and knew if I gave her the vibrator she could have one of those really powerful orgasms.  Getting the vibrator out and to her without interrupting the stimulation was no small feat of acrobatics. 

    Of course her super strong orgasm left me horny as hell.  Something about her orgasms do that to me, I'm instantly Rock hard and ready to go (if I haven't just had one myself).

    Hence the scenario that unfolded in my post.
  • 42andatowel42andatowel United StatesSilver Member Posts: 325
    mrsthing said:
    20 minutes?  20 minutes after I have an O, I don't care how powerful it is, I'm either into round 2 or off watching Netflix. Or more likely, eating something LOL, sex makes me hungry! I know we are all different but something about this doesn't add up to me.

    Is she daydreaming about something?
    So 75% of the time she's asleep within 5 minutes of her O if it's at night (which is when 90% of them are).  22% she's not in any kind of afterglow and immediately snuggling up abs moving on to conversation,  TV, etc.  2% of the time she's up for round two. That final percent is the afterglow, and 50% of the afterglow times have her sleep within 5 to 10 minutes.  The other 50% she lays there basking in it for quite some time until she falls asleep,  it fades completely, or it gets interrupted.

    She doesn't appear to be daydreaming. This time specifically she was assisting me, and even engagedin the breif conversation above.
  • 42andatowel42andatowel United StatesSilver Member Posts: 325
    Angeline said:
    I pray to God you don't have charts and graphs to back those numbers up.



    I believe it is a huge DLV every time you treat her like a princess under glass simply because she had an orgasm. It's not a solar eclipse.



    What I meant by the comment that she should only expect immersion tank silence when she's alone, masturbating is - so she can't get there alone due to some reason you can't describe on a sex and marriage board, too bad. She either takes her sex life seriously and figures it out, or she realizes that another living, breathing human being is in the room and basic human courtesy requires that you don't expect them to become invisible just because of an orgasm.
     
    And for heaven's sake, stop studying her orgasm as if it's the cure for cancer.
    I LOL'ed at the charts and graphs.

    I guess it's not really coming across right here.  I don't have charts and graphs for any of that.  But I do think it's an accurate representation.  I can go over the math if you like. :)

    In all seriousness though, it does not come across to her, or in the moment that I'm that focused on her orgasm, and I definitely do not treat her like the princess under glass post orgasm.  There have been times we transitioned to PIV after her orgasm, or round two, because that's what I wanted.  I'm not sitting in bed, barely moving, afraid to disturb her afterwards either.  

    And back to the percentages, with the  percent I was trying to convey how rare these instances were where she would prefer to not move at all afterwards.  If we have sex 200 times a year, it's going to come up once or twice at the most.

    She can and does orgasm alone.  It's still the exact same formula as when she orgasms with me,  Vibrator on the clit, g-spot vibrator inside.

    If you want all the anatomical details here goes.  She has very meaty labia.  When she uses the vibrator alone one hand holds the vibe, the other spreads her lips apart so she can access her clit.  The g-spot vibrator is slipped inside and turned on, but she doesn't have a third hand to control it.  She usually spends some time getting it positioned and her legs positioned to hold it in place at close to the right spot/angle, then she spreads her lips and uses the vibrator on her clit.

    When I'm assisting, I spread her lips open for her, and manipulate the g-spot vibrator and/or my fingers inside.

    I do think she takes her sex life seriously.  We explored for years, and she explored on her own for years.  However I think she gave up a little years ago and resigned herself to the fact that this was all that would ever work for her.

    In 20 years I've been able to giver her an orgasm twice through oral sex, and there seems to be no rhyme or reason to what was different about those two times.
    AngelineUnBetaMeCallmeCat
  • Husband3point0Husband3point0 Gold Men Posts: 3,294
    Too much analysis paralysis. For all you know she's like this instead...
    IMG_4337.GIF
    400 x 307 - 59K
    42andatowel
  • mrsthingmrsthing New YorkMember Posts: 258
    I actually found that I could train myself to orgasm in new ways.  How did I do it?  Google! Maybe this is TMI, but I was curious to see if I could have an orgasm in a way I had not before, so I read up on it.  Then I just told my H that I wanted to try to orgasm in this new way and see if I could do it. He was totally up for it. I just kind of mentally told myself that I could do this and guess what?  I could!  And I can do it all the time now! It is as if I taught myself to do it.  I have a great new um, skill!

    I wonder if there is some way to get her to become intrigued with a new way to O and research it together like this?
  • SomeDudeSomeDude Silver Member Posts: 833
    The post-orgasm crash / going straight to sleep thing was something my ex did for quite some time and it led to a pretty shitty sex life, especially since I typically take a fair amount of time to get off myself. After she came it was either look after myself, which was a lot of the time, or maybe be "allowed" to get myself off inside her even though she wasn't interested. It was shit.

    So I had to break us out of these shitty patterns. One thing that had to go was getting her off first every time. Not only did this lead to the above problem, but it also meant I was doing all the work foreplay wise. I still worked her up of course, but I also pushed back on her to do more foreplay, e.g. by putting my dick in her face :)  I also switched things around during sex and added more aggression. Switching positions, throwing her around, pulling out and going down on her then back in, whatever. The point was both to be more dominant and in control and get rid of any patterns. This had to all feel natural of course, so I just went with whatever I was feeling. I wasn't going to replace a pattern with too much thinking!

    Another thing I did was use more manual stimulation on her instead of relying on my mad oral skillz, as the kids say. The thing about oral is that it's kind of "impersonal" and "disconnected" because you're down there "away from her". You can't kiss her, bite her neck, whisper dirty things in her ear, pull her hair, suck on her nipples, or any of the many other things that you can do while you stimulate her with your fingers. She ended up getting off harder from my fingers than my mouth, which was big change from the past. It also sort got her to enjoy internal stimulation much more instead of being completely reliant on clitoral stimulation, so it lead to better PiV as well.

    Eventually she was getting off multiple times in a session quite often. She would come all different ways, and was no longer just crashing selfishly. She said the sex we were having was better than it ever was, I agreed.

    Anyways, point is, you don't need to accept this pattern. It is selfish behaviour really.

    And you can't talk your way out of it, you have to lead you both out of it, in small steps, and without pushing it every session either. 

    The overall key is passion I think... lead in the bedroom with real passion and you'll take her along for the ride.
    UnBetaMe
  • MissDMissD On your leftGold Women Posts: 111
    We had a couple of really good sessions this past week.  However there was a little hiccup on one and I'm looking for a little feedback.

    Sorry this will be a little long, but I think context and background are important for this one.

    My wife has always had a difficult time with orgasms.  I've posted several times about the one very specific vibrator and never finding anything else that works for her.  We've learned to make it work for us, although it does kill some of the spontaneity.  

    Now, even though she almost always orgasms in the exact same position, with an almost identical type of stimulation, the strength of her orgasm can vary considerably, usually as a result of any extra stimulation I manage to bring via g-spot, etc.

    She has very rarely had what I would call a full-body orgasm, and those are awesome.  However years can go between those, despite my best efforts.  She'll also occasionally have a really good/significantly above average orgasm, that just leaves her laying there basking in the afterglow for quite some time.  She'll also, once in a great while be up for multiples, chasing a second, third or fourth orgasm.  Then 95% of the time, it's just a single good (but average) orgasm, she'll snuggle up/roll over afterwards, and drift off to sleep.

    So over the weekend she had one of those basking in the afterglow type orgasms.  My intention was to initiate sex, and I was pushing all the right buttons, escalating things, and I just got carried away and forgot about the sex and pushed it into obviously building to orgasm territory for her.  I even managed to get the vibrator out without breaking the escalation.  She's struggling a lot to get there, which results in a lot of unintentional edging, but she does get there, and it's a really good orgasm for her.  One of those where she wants to lay there in the afterglow and not move for hours, but one where she's not really drifting off to sleep either.

    Of course I'm horny now (getting her off really gets me ramped up).  Of course sex is off the table, which I obviously know.  So I lay down beside her and proceed to start taking care of myself.  She reaches over and offers a little half-hearted assistance.  I can tell she's in one of those doesn't want to move states, really basking in the afterglow.  I make a suggestion, and she comments about not wanting to move and kill the afterglow and suggests an alternative, which I agree with.

    I move closer to her to facilitate this and she immediately says never mind, and moves to proceed with my original suggestion.  I can see all of this happening, and it's like my little bit of movement just totally deflated her afterglow bubble.

    Of course now she enthusiastically moves on to helping me finish, but then I can tell she's just really disappointed for having lost the afterglow.  Hours later I can still sense the disappointment from her, and obviously if not fo that she would have been fast asleep.

    So my question to the group is two fold.  1.  In the moment when it happened I said "I'm sorry you lost the afterglow, do you want to go for round 2 and get back there?" which he declined, as she has no faith we'd actually get back to that perfect blissful state, and would likely just giver her an ordinary orgasm.  She didn't say that, but I know that's it.  Now the following day, other than the effects of a restless nights sleep, she's fine.  I'm assuming i should do nothing more here, don't mention it, etc.  

    The real question, primarily to the ladies, does any of this make sense to you?  When you get to the total and complete bliss state can something kill it that easily?  I sense from her with the disappointment of it being "killed" rather than fading away on its own it that it erased any and all good feelings it engendered?

    Thanks.


    So much mind-reading here, I'm not where sure to start. Did she ever verbalize she was 'disappointed'?

    (Are there any porn issues here?)

    Maybe I'm selfish, but if I'm truly 'exhausted' by o-ing, I just want to lay there.

    Even though I hope/want MrD to O - preferably deep inside me - I'm just not up to making it happen at that point.

    His O is for him to own.

    And lots of times, morning deposits work out just fine  >:)
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