Post-affair, low-sex marriage: my (second) triage

IrishGypsy

I've learned that an easy way to gauge if it's attraction that's the issue is to ask yourself whether or not your wife would want to have sex with any movie star that she really fancies.

For example, I'd bet a years salary that if Robert Downey Jr. or George Clooney asked my wife out, that she'd NEVER turn them down for sex. Probably ever. Kids or no kids. Job or no job. 

Those types of guys SCREAM DHV's from all areas. Loads of money, very high status, lots of opportunities for dopamine-led activities, pre-selection on a daily basis, they dress well, etc, etc.

They tick all of the attraction boxes. Clearly, I don't (as i'll get rejected frequently).

Now, I can never be either of those two. But, I can analyse what key areas of them she likes the most and use them as the basis for tackling (my REDS). And that gets fed into my MAP. Athol calla them the 'brands of attraction' in his video series. Maybe buying, and watching, the videos will give you the REDS you need to work on so you can at least emulate the key attraction traits that she likes the most?

Ervin3070

Well,  will probably start a MAP thread soon, if I can figure out where to start.....

The thoughts I'm having just now are negative; I'll try to make my MAP thread a place for positive thoughts.

The affair is like being 'hobbled'.  In the confines of our relationship, I'm only firing on three cylinders (sorry for the terribly mixed metaphors.)

I really would like to fuck off to Scotland and start a new life.

CartB4Horse

@Ervin3070 - Take the first step towards your future.....

While you're pondering your MAP just start by listing three things you can do to be a little better THIS WEEK.  List them here so we can chip in and give advice.

Some ideas could be * Read MMSL, * Read The Primer or * Read 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' by Dr. Glover.  Do you lift weights?  Need to lose weight?  Start, today.

Ervin3070

Here's my plan:

I think this triage is nearly done, but I will add to it if anything else occurs to me, and comments are always welcome.

I have started a MAP thread and will only allow positivity (from me: those who contribute can say whatever they want!

I will use the ER category for any problems I'd like a different perspective on.

SamIam2

@Ervin3070  As others have said, get that MMSL Primer book and read it.  Order it from Amazon... who cares if she sees it... its all about Self-Improvement...  You will tear through that book in one night, I guarantee it, it will speak volumes to you... this Forum is a great for honing the lessons in the book(s)... but you need to read the Primer first... then get your hands on the MAP book.

Second, and while I'm relatively new here, you need to realize... once a week is not bad for a guy who hasn't even started MAPing yet.  Of course you want it more... but you are relying on Sex to determine your worth to your Partner.  At the same time, you are in mourning because of the affair... and you are probably acting pretty needy and weak... and of course these things are actually Hurting your chances to get more action..

And while I'm sure others on this Forum will say I'm going too far... but you Need to think and act like your Wife is Gone... she does not respect you (based on your comments here AND the neediness that is coming through on your posts).  DO NOT TELL HER SUCH... but you need to shift your mental state to SHE IS GONE...  you are wallowing in self-pity and Orbiting hoping for a small "treat" that signifies love...

But guess what, nothing is going to change and your wife really will leave for another affair... so... she is GONE unless you change.  

Read the MMSL Primer, work on your health as much as you can, be better at work, stop hanging out with and around your wife (other than the basic expectations such as family gathering, dinners if you do family dinners)... you need to prepare for the GO PLAN... 

Ervin3070

Hello @SamIam2, and thanks for the comment.  I've got MMSL and am reading it now.  You're right that I'm in mourning regarding the affair, but I'm not acting weak and needy, and I don't orbit (I don't think, anyway), though I definitely need to behave differently regarding sex, but I need to get my MAP going before I do that.

Mourning is a great way to describe how I feel about the affair.  However, many other aspects of my life are strong.  Friendships, interests, work relationships, family relationships.  I'm looking forward to developing some goals and seeing what happens.

Cheers xx

Husband3point0

How about you do this -- read the entire Primer. Then, reread the triage questions and start all over by trying to create a brand new triage. 

I think if you ponder the questions long enough given the new info from the Primer, an entirely new detail-rich triage will come out. 

For exanple, I can already write new CMNs for you that you didn't put in your triage just from reading your posts. And, I'm pretty sure I can see a few highly probable elephants, as well as specifically pinpoint others you've given us directly. 

There's a lot more to you and your marriage than this triage. 

Ervin3070

Hello all-  haven't been here for a while, partly because I've been very busy, and partly because I fell down a massive well of depression.  It's happened before.  I think I'm coming out of it now.  My wife doesn't know, and I don't want her to, but I'm currently deciding what action to take.  So-  I'm still fully committed to the process I've started here, but I think I've been put back a bit.  Hoping to get back on track soon.

Ervin3070

Husband3point0 said:

For exanple, I can already write new CMNs for you that you didn't put in your triage just from reading your posts. And, I'm pretty sure I can see a few highly probable elephants, as well as specifically pinpoint others you've given us directly. 

There's a lot more to you and your marriage than this triage. 

This is intriguing:  can you be more explicit?

Ervin3070

I'm having a horrendous time at the moment and am in a very unpleasant and unhappy mental state.  In my mind, I'm not fixing this on the affair. I don't know if my mental state is to do with the affair or other negative things which have happened to me in my life: a previous very unhappy relationship, some health problems, a period of real misery at work, unhappiness in my early marriage, the affair..... or what?

Hopefully soon I'll be able to come back here and contribute something positive.  I think this forum is a really great place but I don't have the energy for any development at present.  I'm doing well just putting one foot in front of the other.

OneEyedDrunk

Ervin3070 said:

A couple more details, and a question.

Firstly, my health issues.  I don't want to say exactly what they are (even though this would no doubt be helpful) because eventually there'll be enough detail to at least have a stab at identifying me.

My illnesses cause me pretty regular and reliable fatigue, which sometimes gets worse, then I just have to rest, take it easy, do nothing.  It's difficult to explain that to someone.  I seem perfectly fine on the outside, but am exhausted, and it's a mental thing, too.  When I feel like this, I may want to sit with my eyes closed all day, or go for a walk on my own, to get some mental space.  What I don't want to do is be a leader-  or, at least, not in an obvious way.  I suppose I second-guess my L's reaction to this: that she'll be annoyed by my (apparent) inactivity.  This is partly because my previous partner, mother of my kids, HATED to see me doing nothing.  Oh, you have no idea what it was like.  She literally could not cope if I sat down-  she went ballistic.  Her mother basically nagged her father to death in a similar way.  Because I suffered that for a few years, I've brought it with me and I still 'imagine' L is reacting in that way.  I need to find an attitude where I have absolutely no shame in resting when I feel unwell.  These times of worse fatigue are difficult to predict, but maybe happen once every couple of months.  At other times, I'm more tired than your average guy, but I get by.

Question: where do I start on doing a MAP? I think I get the idea of what a MAP is, but need a framework.

Whilst I'm talking about my health, and aware that I'm repeating myself, the fatigue is a significant problem.  Oh god, I wish I could just run away from it.  I know exactly where I'd go (hills, lakes, mist, few people; that's as much as you need to know.)

Heres your attitude. You know what medical issues you have, and you've even told her. Don't get worked up when she does. Smile. Use agree and amplify when you can. This photo is from American Beauty. If you haven't seen the movie, then I recommend you watch it. 

I used to be in education, so I can relate to all the stupid educational methods they keep throwing against the wall to see I feel it will stick. It's pretty ridiculous at tims. Keep your head up. Definitely see someone about the issues. 

Starting your MAP can be simple. First, try and dress better. Change someone up if you can. If you are completely clean shaven, then maybe grow a two day growth. If you are balled, then maybe grow a goatee. Something. Whatever it is. Get new underwear. Get some new pants. Always be clean when your wife come see home. Do not lounge in your pajamas or underwear. 

Make Le a list of your reds. Things you want to change. If you can work out then do it. Maybe go on a diet. The Primer will give you mor examples of how to improve yourself. Baby steps. Before you know it you've lost 40 pound sterling like I have. This was since September. You can do it man!