I feel like I am being punished?????

CallmeCat

Where to begin, I have read and learned so much on these forums and they have certainly been helpful in some of my own situations. While we are still a work in progress I am kind of at a stand still. I have read so much about discussing aspects of what we like sexually from out partners and have tried to relay this to the husband at different times. It is hard for me to talk about it but I try my best too . I have learned not to orbit him when I want sex. I don't really initiate much at all from advice I have received on here.  Trying to be OI but that still needs some more work but I am getting better. We were fooling around the other day and it's like a routine with him, drives me nuts. I know how it's going to go down and I keep saying we need to change thing up to keep it interesting but nothing seems to change. So naturally midway he says how do you wanna do it and I just said with tone quit asking and just do what you want. I have suggested that I would like it a bit rough as he is so beta in the bedroom and after we finished I just sat on the bed and was telling him some thing I would like and then he says well I didn't know I was doing it wrong. I said your not doing it wrong I just get turned on more when you are more dominant.  He looked at me like I had a horn coming out of my forhead.. 

So he has been rather distant since that go around and I probably even dropped a couple of good hints that I was dtf but nada. I was not putting down his game I just come right out and said I know you feel strange about that as you were thinking that's not right but that's what I want. I have said over and over little hints, harder or rougher or something like that but geeze.....  Not sure how to proceed but I definately feel like he hasn't pursued me to punish me, like well if I am not pleasing you then no sex for you. I dont want our sex life to go backwards and I don't want it to be boring either so how do I get through to him without him feeling like I think he sucks in bed?

fredless

Is he present here on the forum?

CallmeCat

NO @fredless he is not. He did come on here once and read the backdoor boundaries thread but I don't think he has been back. I really try to choose my words wisely as to not make him feel bad and only once has he really been dominant since I have talked about it. 

frillyfun

I think a lot of us have been through the exact same thing.  We want, and crave the strong dominant man, but the sweethearts (ha) that we married have a tough time doing something that may hurt us.  Just telling them to be dominant goes against YEARS of nice guy conditioning that a lot of them have been raised with.

Ya gotta let them ease into it.  It's a boundary to push with them.  "Compliment sandwitches" work very well here..."I love the way you x- do you think you could do that a little harder next time?  Thanks babe".   Say "thank you", call him "sir"- those little things help show him you want to be more submissive.  "Surprise me" is fun, "make me" is fun, batting your eyelashes works well too.    

 Upping your dirty talk a little helps (too much kind of scares them initially).  Asking for specifics helps because I think a lot of guys' brains immediately jump to some sort of hardcore leather BDSM stuff when we say "dominance" when we're just looking for a little leadership, and a hard pounding.

fredless

CallmeCat said:

NO fredless he is not. He did come on here once and read the backdoor boundaries thread but I don't think he has been back. I really try to choose my words wisely as to not make him feel bad and only once has he really been dominant since I have talked about it. 

Any chance you could convince him to participate here...or perhaps you and your husband have some interactions with Athol?  I think the education he could receive would be quite beneficial.

CallmeCat

@fredless, I don't know if he would come on here and participate or not some of the things he read in that thread he said people talk in code and I don't get it, and I know it's all the abbreviations people use but I figured them out after reading the glossary. I would love a chat with Athol but he would look at that suggestion like counseling and I doubt he would go for that, he is soo [ old school and trying to Crack that is tough. He made the statement when I said I wanted him to be rougher I don't want to hurt you and I said you would never hurt me and I told him I know it goes against how you think women want treated delicately and all but I like being more submissive and you being more alpha. Do you have that video series of Athols and do you think that would be beneficial for him to watch? Does it touch on these issues? 

CallmeCat

@frillyfun I will definately try some of the thank yous and encouragement when he is doing things I like and try the dirty talking more. I just don't want him to think I am being judgmental when we are having sex. Once he was kissing my breasts a while back and I said bite them. He looks up and says what? I repeated it and he did and it was awesome, not real hard but just little bite, then he ordered some nipple clamps so this is just the type of thing I mean when I say rough . Guess I will look for opportunities to ask for certain things a little at a time and see if that helps.I just want to mix things up a routine when it comes to sex is a real turn off for me. When I read on here what some of these men try on their wives I think wow my husband needs some game like that . For example when he asked how I wanted to do it I really wanted to say Fuck me like it's the last time you can ever fuck.

DaddyOh

I tapped "awesome" because women like you should be cloned and spread around this planet. 

With my ExW, a soft No (rough sex) actually meant she was being submissive and wanted me to continue (part of the turn on). But that took me a while to figure out. And you are correct, rough and dominate are two words that can be intertwined in the male brain. 

frillyfun

I've used the line "treat me like you paid for me, and get your money's worth".  

The pattern that I've noticed here over, and over again is you'll go back, and forth for a while. 

CallmeCat

@frillyfun oh goodness that's a good one. Not sure how he would handle that. Haha. I get the fact that you can't expect someone to change their ways over night but it seems to be a slow ass process. Ugh 

Angeline

DaddyOh said:

And you are correct, rough and dominate are two words that can be intertwined in the male brain. 

dominant not dominate

DaddyOh

Angeline said:

DaddyOh said:

And you are correct, rough and dominate are two words that can be intertwined in the male brain. 

dominant not dominate

Damn you dyslexia. Seriously, I have to look real hard too see the difference. 

Ervin3070

If I'm absolutely honest, I think my partner has given me hints to be a little more dominant over the years.  It's very difficult to pick up on them.  In a limited way, I allow myself to be dominant during sex, but only when I'm absolutely sure she's comfortable with it.  I then find it intensely satisfying, and I think she does to.  It's such a difficult thing for a guy (well, some guys) to do, though.  I don't know how or if this help you.

Angeline

DaddyOh said:

Angeline said:

DaddyOh said:

And you are correct, rough and dominate are two words that can be intertwined in the male brain. 

dominant not dominate

Damn you dyslexia. Seriously, I have to look real hard too see the difference. 

Funny thing about that is that I really am dyslexic  

nubby

Angeline said:

DaddyOh said:

Angeline said:

DaddyOh said:

And you are correct, rough and dominate are two words that can be intertwined in the male brain. 

dominant not dominate

Damn you dyslexia. Seriously, I have to look real hard too see the difference. 

Funny thing about that is that I really am dyslexic  

I told my wife I'm ambisextrous, I can beat off with either hand

Mongrel

Oh my, this post is about me.   I was (still am?) one of those guys who is struggling to reprogram my brain to not treat my wife like fine china while in the bedroom. It is a very difficult thing for us to do. We know you want rougher/bossier but getting over the hurdle to DO it is a mental roadblock that is hard to break through.

One thing you may want to do is explain that your bedroom is like Vegas:  what happens in there stays in there. Whatever kind of kinky, perverted, nasty, foul stuff spews out of your mouth or pores while you are in there together means nothing once you leave the bedroom. Mrs M said that to me in not as many words and it helped me grasp that there is a time/place for treating her like my personal slut (meaning, in private only).

I still battle this issue but at least I'm aware of it and putting forth effort to finding my inner 'bad boy'. If you can find a movie (and not necessarily porn) that depicts how you would like to be ravaged and share it with him it may give him a road map to work on. Just saying 'rougher' or 'more dominant' might not be enough for him to go on. We are men; we are pretty thick headed.

autumn

One thing that helped my H was assuring him I'd let him know if it was too much for me, and also that even if it was too much one time, if it was due to my own request I wouldn't possibly be upset at him.  

Another thing that might have helped was saying that although sometimes I'd really like to go out for a nice steak, especially if it's been awhile since I've had steak, I wouldn't want steak every night, and plenty of nights I'd still want comfort food.  E.g., it's not that I hate the usual, I'm just craving something else, and there's room for both in life.

CallmeCat

@Mongrel Thanks for the man's perspective it really helps. I may have to use just what you said about vegas as an analogy for the H. I did make the comment that outside of the bedroom is different I don't want that there but he could definately use more in his seduction ugh. I wish I could find a movie with a scene  of what I mean we would have to watch it a few times, and yea no porn he's had issues with that in the past.
I read on one of Serenity blogs about reading a sexy scene out of a mommy porn book to the H to give him an idea or two but I don't read those books so..... Maybe I need to start

Lothbrok

Would it be out of line to just buy him athol's primer? Tell him this is what you want.

I also wouldn't use the word dominance.  His brain will take that to mean whips and chains and the like.  

Tell him you want him to take control and your not made of glass.  Give him a simple request.  Pull my hair, slap my ass, pin me down, throw me against a wall and take me hard.  Maybe write down a list of your desires and start trying on or two a month

My advice would be to start slow and work your way up.  Once he does something you like make him notice your pleasure.  Then next time ask him to do that again only harder.  

 I know it loses some of the appeal because you have to ask but you have to start somewhere.

 I had to over act a little when the wife stared giving me bj again.  Giving her little tips hear and there on what I like.  Everybody wants to be good at sex, use that to your advantage.  Lets just say my acting career was short lived.

Mongrel

I like what Lothbrok suggests. Ask for one or two things and go from there. I remember when my wife told me it would be ok if I pulled her hair...my mind was blown. Really? Won't that hurt? No matter; I grabbed that ponytail and pulled her head back during doggie. She loved it. Mrs M doesn't want it often but when she is in a groove and a climax is imminent it really does something for her. I like pulling her hair now.

"I like when you hold my head during a BJ" came later. No shit? Really? So now I sometimes grab her hair or her head and fuck her mouth. Never would have done that if she hadn't told me she liked it. Wouldn't have tried, such was my terror of being too 'rapey'.

sf64

This is a really hard thing for "nice guys" to get past.  We had it pounded into as we were growing up that we were supposed to always treat women with great respect and NEVER do anything to hurt them.  We were told all kinds of things like "Happy wife, happy life."

This is one of the places where, as others have mentioned, you are going to have to let him know that certain things are not only ok, but that you want them.

You will also probably have to be very direct.  Subtle signals won't get past the programming.  At least in the beginning.  I remember once when I was still trapped in being a nice guy, the woman I was seeing started to come to bed having done her hair (quite long) in a braid.  She did this several times and finally one morning, when she was taking her hair out of the braid, I asked if the braid made it easier for her to deal with her hair in the morning.  She gave me an exasperated look and said, "No dummy, it makes it easier to pull."  DUH!!!!!!  Next night, she arrives in bed with her hair braided.  I am dense, but not that dense.  Much happiness and fun ensued.

She thought she was being VERY clear that she wanted her hair pulled.... by putting it in a braid.  

Most guys have it in the to be more dominant.  But breaking down the blue pill programming is hard.