Triage: Attraction/energy during major medical issues

1234568

Comments

  • giraffegiraffe USAMember Posts: 98
    So here's more of a logistical question...

    This thread has ended A LOT about my husband and his medical and NG stuff and just a lot about him and us.

    I'm struggling with some things more about me.  He's not really a part of this.  I am not sure if posting here is better or if starting a new thread is better.  What's the decorum around here for keeping things in one thread or having several?
  • nubbynubby Right HereSilver Member Posts: 1,964
    @giraffe I would suggest starting a thread in the map section and start your own map to awesomeness. 
    CartB4HorsetelyniHusband3point0
  • Husband3point0Husband3point0 Gold Men Posts: 3,294
    Yes. Be sure not to conflate his road to recovery with your road to awesome. 
    nubbyDaddyOh
  • giraffegiraffe USAMember Posts: 98
    @Husband3point0

    I've been reading your success story thread... I know it's a year old, but I see a lot of similarities between you and my husband -- and even how I have approached my husband asking for more dominance, more aggression and he reacted with withdrawing, confusion and horror, kind of like you responded to the taken in hand site your wife showed you.  For me it has been doubly confusing because he's been into that whole scene before and quite aggressive with other women.  

    I guess in our case this may be my fault, at least partially.

    When I first started dating my husband, maybe a few months in, I told him about a guy who approached me at a cold meet before I met my H (not a date, just a spotted you across the room thing) and offered what at that moment from a total stranger seemed like an invitation to be sexually assaulted - rough, dominant, bondage, choking, slapping all right there stated in the open.  He was very direct about his intentions.  It was too much for me too quickly.  I was out of there so fast!  

    So, my husband, being the literal guy he is and listening to my story must have written into his brain in big neon letters DO NOT EVER OFFER TO BE DOMINANT, ROUGH, CHOKE, SPANK ETC *this woman* (me) or she will run away.  In talking to him about it, that's how he remembers it.  I don't dispute that, I think that is probably exactly how he interpreted it and I was clueless as to what he was hearing me say.  I thought I was telling him a funny story about a really bad first meeting of a guy I met once.  He thought I was telling him to tone it down.

    Now, in reality, the issue was not what was being offered but that it was being offered by a guy I had met less than 10 minutes earlier.  I take some warming up and getting to know someone before I trust them.  My husband learned that too about me, but once I do get comfortable (2-3 dates) I am warm and friendly.  Blame my mother issues or just a careful personality, but that's always how I have been.  

    It was really a communication fail that has shaped our sexual relationship ever since.

    -------------------------------

    I have an unrelated question for you.

    We've established that my husband has some very real and pressing memory and cognitive issues that are seriously impacting his everyday functioning, even if not everyday.

    I have sympathy for these struggles. They are very real and incredibly difficult.  In my husband's case he would rather lose a limb in terms of how well he would handle the stress of his brain not working right and not knowing when/if it will improve.  At the same time the last thing I want is to give him pity or too much sympathy.  Sometimes I also get frustrated by it and that comes across, but I too need to be allowed to feel what I feel about it all.  It is his body/brain, but it is also my life impacted too.

    @Crashaxe and @monkeydog also, you guys have talked a lot about having injuries or other things that have caused issues in the marriage in terms of attraction.  What should that balance look like?  If there's legit injury, how does a wife balance  maintaining high expectations and not pitying him?
    Leticiaamblrgirl
  • Husband3point0Husband3point0 Gold Men Posts: 3,294
    First, this isn't in my wheelhouse. I can explain some of your H's really weird behavior and help you put it into context, but I'm not really a 'pro' in dealing with a spouse with a real genuine medical issue that actually can't be solved. That being said...

    Pity is never positive. It's degrading. Sympathy is another thing. Each spouse should be sympathetic to the other. I don't pity my wife because she is kinda short and much smaller than me physically, for example. But, I am sympathetic to her plight and do what I can to help her compensate. However, I can't enable her to avoid all jobs requiring any height or strength at all, down to absurdity like saying she's incapable of carrying the laundry bin or taking out the trash. (In our case, we make the kids do that, but the general point is the same.) 

    In your case, it's hard to say what you should or shouldn't be doing specifically. But, you shouldn't feel put upon IMHO. That's basically where I think you could draw the line in a healthy fashion -- your boundaries are always valid. Even in the face of his limitations, you need to be able to have and express your feelings. Adjusting yourself to fit his dysfunction doesn't seem right.

    Like I said though, this isn't my area of expertise. 
    giraffe
  • CrashaxeCrashaxe Partytown, which is wherever I am.Gold Men Posts: 1,243
    I'm afraid I don't know how to answer that question @giraffe. My marriage was DOA before my problems. It just hasn't been pronounced dead and buried yet. The recoveries from my surgeries got in the way.

    “I’m going to plead with you, do not cross us. Because if you do, the survivors will write about what we do here for 10,000 years.” General James Mattis, USMC

    giraffeAdamBecker
  • monkeydogmonkeydog KansasSilver Member Posts: 415
    edited December 7
    So, this is difficult terrain to navigate.  I haven't come to terms with the fact that my wife emotionally abandoned me during this time and was ready to leave the relationship, but I understand why.

    We weren't DOA when I was hurt, but things were at rock bottom and the injury, 2 surgeries and long (and ongoing) recovery made it worse.

    I think all your husband wants is for you to treat him with love and respect, to maybe show him a bit more affection, to cut him a bit more slack, and to let him know through your actions that you are there for him through sickness and health.

    He doesn't want your pity, but he probably needs more RC than usual.

    And blow jobs. Those always makes thing better.

    :)



    giraffe
  • giraffegiraffe USAMember Posts: 98
    It's been a bad morning.

    I have 1-2 days a week when I can sleep in a bit because my schedule allows for it.  I cherish these days as catchup times because I have insomnia often enough that I need to catch up a few days a week.

    My husband has a chore that only he can do, that needs doing and that he has been just ignoring.  The result of his "I haven't gotten to it" chore is that on these mornings the wrong light switch gets hit and the lights where I am sleeping come on full blast and wake me up about 90 minutes before it's time for me to get up.

    I would say he makes this "mistake" 2 out of 3 mornings and sometimes during the day as well, although that doesn't impact my sleep so it's less of an issue.  He always apologizes but I am really tired of it.  It's been probably 2-3 weeks of this.

    This morning I told him I am moving to our spare bed in another room until it is fixed, so I am not being woken up anymore by it.  He gave me all sorts of lazy excuses - including I forget which I don't buy because he doesn't use his lists consistently.  When you forget you learn to use lists.  He is not consistently using them so he doesn't get to use that excuse.

    I asked him how quickly it would get fixed if I was hitting the wrong light switch at 2am, waking him from his sleep with the chandelier coming on like runway lights.  To that he said he's not doing it on purpose but I would be doing it on purpose at 2am which isn't fair (not necessarily true, but sure I'll bite).  To me, it is also on purpose if you keep doing it over and over again and will not fix the underlying problem and you know it's disruptive to someone else.  That is on purpose, because it's predictable.

    He did it wrong in the first place and will not fix it.  There's always some article on the internet more important to read, some presentation or speech that needs tweaking and something more interesting than following through with fixing his stupid mistake. Which would mean he would have to acknowledge he made a mistake, which is very hard for him.

    He asked me if I move to the other room, what about our sex life.  To me that sounds like "You are moving to the other room because of this problem, I have no intention of fixing this problem I keep causing every damn morning which would result in you moving back, so now I am worried about not getting laid."  Not acceptable.  

    The problem could be solved as simply as a piece of tape over the weirdly wired light switch that doesn't allow it to be flipped easily.  But nope.  Brilliant Genuis Guy over there can't resolve it, manage to tell himself not to touch it in his head or with a piece of tape or hire someone to fix it.

    Newsflash: I avoid that light switch day and night because of this.  I do actually sometimes almost flip it on at 2am but I stop myself because I don't want to disrupt him sleeping.

    And if I put a piece of tape over the light switch with "NO" written on it, then how am I holding him accountable?  Yes, I get to sleep more but this is something he CAN do and just WON'T.

    If he's such a Nice Guy who always wants to please me, then why not fix this?  It requires a small ladder and a screw driver to fix.  Maybe an extra set of hands (kids or me are available to assist every day).

    I am tired.  I am not well rested.  Somehow in the end he lashed out at me about our sex life.  He said that he's trying to have better sex, now I want to move to the guest room and I am rejecting him because I reacted to the whole house hearing him try to spank me. Now I feel shamed about my response to the noise the other day.  Which really does not make me want to have sex with him or feel safe with him.  It ended with him challenging me to find another sex partner who could have hot sex with other people in the house.  That's ridiculous, we have plenty of great sex quietly here and we have plenty of alone time too.  This year alone we have had at least 20 nights in hotels, two dozen nights alone in the house just us and a cabin we rented for 5 nights, just us.  There are plenty of opportunities for louder activities, especially outside the house. 

    Now I am wondering if this is all passive aggression: I get to sleep in, he "accidentally" ruins that.  I say I want more rough sex, he gives me what I ask for in a way that he can't be blamed when I say that's too loud.  He "accidentally" ruins that too.

    Argh.  I am unhappy this morning and just wish I had been allowed to sleep until my alarm went off.
  • giraffegiraffe USAMember Posts: 98
    And yes, I know the solution is for me to hire someone to fix the stupid thing and just have him pay for it.  I know it.  And I am pretty certain that by the end of today, I will have hired someone.  And I resent the crap out of him for it.

    I just want to not have to clean up after him on something, not remind, not problem solve, not have to captain.  Follow through, damn it, and resolve something like a man, for once.  Show me that's still in there.  Please.

    If I give up on his ability to do something like this, I genuinely fear I will lose all respect for him.  It feels like a precipice that's dangerously close to a point of no return for me. Or at least a point of very difficult return for me.  And he's not doing the easy stuff right now, so how will difficult go?
  • Husband3point0Husband3point0 Gold Men Posts: 3,294
    Do you say any of that to him?  Or does it all occur in your head?

    Dysfunctional partners typically remain so the longer their spouses enable them to. The more you implicitly facilitate the problem by various methods (including not speaking up about it), the more you cultivate it. 

    [Unlike my last post, this one is in my wheelhouse btw. Quite unfortunately, I have a ton of experience with this one, including how it can induce and/or exacerbate chronic insomnia, for years.]
    Angeline
  • giraffegiraffe USAMember Posts: 98
    Do you say any of that to him?  Or does it all occur in your head?

    Dysfunctional partners typically remain so the longer their spouses enable them to. The more you implicitly facilitate the problem by various methods (including not speaking up about it), the more you cultivate it. 

    [Unlike my last post, this one is in my wheelhouse btw. Quite unfortunately, I have a ton of experience with this one, including how it can induce and/or exacerbate chronic insomnia, for years.]
    Most, if not all, of my first post I said to him today. the only exception may be the realization that he may be passive aggressively screwing things up, not just accidentally.  that occurred to me while writing.

    The second post, about hiring someone just occurred to me too. the rest about needing to see something from him that proves he's still there and that I'm losing respect for him, yes I've said it before. usually it prompts a bunch of butthurt and excuses, defensiveness.

    Which is not what I'm hoping to see.

    I called someone to fix the damn switch. hopefully it can get done soon.

    At what point does a person take more away from your life than they add to it? this sleep thing is a big deal and not ok. 

    Can you tell me what specifically you mean can induce and exacerbate insomnia?
  • Husband3point0Husband3point0 Gold Men Posts: 3,294
    giraffe said:
    Can you tell me what specifically you mean can induce and exacerbate insomnia?
    Trying to work yourself around your spouse's dysfunction, rather than confronting it, can drive you insane. You begin to question your own judgment in everything you do. Twisting yourself into an emotional pretzel to try and steer your emotional state around their Rube Goldberg-like dysfunctional requirements causes you to basically overthink every single action you take. You begin to analyze their reactions and emotions in everything you say and do. And since that problem is effectively intractable (in fact, I think I can prove it's NP-incomplete), your brain spins all of the time trying to solve it. Which causes insomnia because your subconscious brain tells your conscious brain that there's lots of unresolved work to do. So, your brain works overtime on that Sisyphean task at 3am when you should be sleeping instead. 

    It's horrible. 
    IrishGypsyHowlAtTheMoontelyniAngeline
  • monkeydogmonkeydog KansasSilver Member Posts: 415
    edited December 7
    I think what makes your situation so difficult is that the injury is "invisible" and could be permanent. It's no coincidence Mrs. Monkey's attraction grew as I got better, physically and mentally. 

    You are in a grey area where his condition affects his behavior and your attraction, and it's hard to measure progress.

    Is his condition permanent? If so, you will probably need to continually reevaluate your expectations if you want to stay married.

    Your situation just sucks and it isn't fair to either of you.

    Sounds to me like you need a spa day or yoga retreat -- something that will give you time to pause, reflect and recharge.

  • HildaCornersHildaCorners Winter? You call *that* winter?Gold Women Posts: 3,377
    "Husband, you have until Friday morning to get the light fixed ... then I will hire Hunky Stud Electricians to come fix it, and pay them from your bank account."

    You are responsible for your own sleep ... if the problem can be (temporarily) fixed by taping over the switch, you should do so, rather than blaming your H for the entire problem.

    Tape the dang switch *and* tell H you are calling Hunky Stud on Friday.

    Enneagram 5w4.  I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.

    "I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
    CharlieDaddyOhCrashaxe
  • giraffegiraffe USAMember Posts: 98
    ...Doing everything yourself and not needing him for anything will make you respect him less, but doing what is necessary is non-negotiable. It is what it is. You will lose attraction. Feel free to tell him so. Feel free to decline initiations from unattractive guy. It feels counterintuitive at first.
    Once he sees you can handle x, y, and z, Then you can tell him how unattractive it is to you that he wont handle it. 
    You are possibly entering the profound irritation phase. This is good. I know you fear the indifference stage, but it is actually very liberating.  And yes, you can come back from it.

    Yes, this is the way life has been for a while.  I am here.  I have lost attraction but I want sex.  I still have a very healthy sex drive.  

    Here's where I think I am really stuck.  I am not a wife who doesn't want sex.  I don't want sex with "this guy" but I am not a no-sex wife.  Because I love sex.  For myself, I love sex.  Not to please him but to please me.  And I am mad as hell about it.

    Get it together, man.  I don't want a divorce, but I want to have sex within my marriage with a man I respect.  I am starting to be so angry at him that I see a different side of myself than I have ever known.  And he deserves it.  He really does.

    I am an attractive woman.  I am a smart, capable, make a great living and have taken great care of him and my late husband during his illness.  I am a catch.  He knows it, even if he doesn't act like it.
    TwelveRubiesIrishGypsy
  • giraffegiraffe USAMember Posts: 98
    "Husband, you have until Friday morning to get the light fixed ... then I will hire Hunky Stud Electricians to come fix it, and pay them from your bank account."

    You are responsible for your own sleep ... if the problem can be (temporarily) fixed by taping over the switch, you should do so, rather than blaming your H for the entire problem.

    Tape the dang switch *and* tell H you are calling Hunky Stud on Friday.
    It's fixed.  I handled it and got a friend to come help at lunch today.  It took 15 minutes of actual work and me taking time off work, but I got it fixed.

    I disagree that I am responsible for my own sleep.  I am not responsible for my husband repeatedly flipping on the wrong lights while I am sleeping.  That is on him.

    Just like if he turns on music in the room at 5am and wakes me up, that's on him.  I have zero control over that.  He has 100% control over it.  I am deep asleep when suddenly the room is flooded by 4000 lumens from darkness and I am jolted awake.

    Putting tape on it would just give him another excuse to not fix it.  And he's not going to, anyway, let's be honest.  So I just called a friend who owes me a favor and he fixed it. If my husband feels bad about that, good.  He should.
    DaddyOh
Sign In or Register to comment.