Triage: Attraction/energy during major medical issues

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  • giraffegiraffe USAMember Posts: 98
    @Serenity, 840-something last bloodwork, which was end of October.  Would have to dig out the papers to get exact but it's been in the 800-ranges for a good 8 months or so.
    Serenity
  • giraffegiraffe USAMember Posts: 98

    I am less tired today and more able to see things clearly.  The issue isn’t that my husband has memory issues, I accept that.  It isn’t that he is making mistakes and pushing the wrong button.  I mostly accept that too, even if I get cranky about it.

    It’s that I am being worked too hard between work, home, kids, finances, handling my own life as well as his.  His bank account got hit with some strange charges we don’t recognize yesterday.  Guess who handled that?  He couldn’t keep the details clear of what happened and who the charges came in from, so of course it was me.

    And it will keep being me.

    Some of you have asked if this condition for him is permanent @monkeydog.  As it has been explained to me, there is a high likelihood of a slow recovery of a certain amount of his abilities, over about the next 19 months or so.  There's a window when healing can happen and we are in it.  And if I am being honest, yes, there has been improvement.  The deer in headlights moments are much fewer and less intense than they were even 3-4 months ago.  I don’t panic as much, so he doesn’t go into a shame spiral as much.  Both good things.

    He’s taking a pharmacy full of vitamins to promote brain health (fish oils, B, D, C, several other things I know not exactly what they are) plus some prescriptions.  He is young still and until the accident was using his brain at a high level, indicating good elasticity and possibility for healing.  They have stressed the importance of lowering his stress level and not pushing him too much.  He did very poorly on the tests when he realized he wasn’t meeting expectations.  It kind of matches my experience, that when he gets upset his abilities plummet even more and he spirals.

    None of this makes it easier for me to cope when I don’t know if today is the day he wakes up feeling great and capable and wanting to take charge of a new project or if today is the day he forgets and he’s going to blast me awake at 5am.  The inconsistency when I am trying to live a normal life, have a fulltime job, keep the mortgage and the utilities paid, get kids out the door, order groceries, do laundry, get dinner on the table, the house cleaned and the Christmas tree up is the problem. 

    The lack of consistency at home with do I have a partner or do I not is wearing at me.  If I assume no, he’s not a full partner and then I take charge, lean on friends and family to fill in for him then he (accurately) complains that he’s being pushed out and not really being given a chance to be a full partner.  If I give him a chance to fix the light switch, I am inconvenienced. If I encourage him to step up as best he can and just be supportive of what he can do, I am often disappointed and left to figure out how much got done, how much didn’t and then fill in the gaps and fix the rest (light switch).  That’s more work, actually.

    I also don’t have enough time in the day to do all of that and handle it all.  I really can’t do it all.

    My friend who fixed the light switch asked yesterday what I would have done if I was single, about the light switch.  Well, I would have hired someone in the first place and it would have been done right or if a pro screwed it up, I would hire another to fix it.  I would know from the beginning that’s what I needed to do.

    So maybe that’s my answer.  I act and think single, in terms of how I would run my household.  It does make him less valuable around here, but it would help my stress and frustration.  

    The one area where he is consistent (excluding the layoff) is financially providing well.  So I can lean on him there, leave his contribution as financial at least for the next year to 18 months.  He will have a purpose, one I know he can do and he knows he can do, and have time to heal that noggin as best we can before we reassess.  That felt right today when I started thinking about it and I even came up with some new ways to handle finances that make me excited about the idea, new goals I can set.

    And I will basically shut my high sex drive into a bit of slumber too.  My hopes are just not reasonable there either.  Again, treat it like I am single and have no expectation of sex for a while.  While he hopefully heals.  It’s the best I can come up with.  No, that doesn't excite me as much as the financial goals.  But it still felt solid and correct, under the circumstances.  

    I fully expect to have frustrated days though.  I hope I can vent here without being seen as constantly negative.  I will try to check in about progress, too.

    telyniforestleafCartB4Horse
  • AngelineAngeline planting seedsCategory Moderator** Posts: 14,501
    It sucks that you're in this situation. It sounds a little like the life of the spouse of a police officer or military member or firefighter - it's nkt so much a consistent level of having to be self reliant, but the off and on nature of it leaving sudden holes you fall through. Maybe some of the resources and coping strategies they use would be helpful.

    The inconsistency when I am trying to live a normal life, have a fulltime job, keep the mortgage and the utilities paid, get kids out the door, order groceries, do laundry, get dinner on the table, the house cleaned and the Christmas tree up is the problem.
    It sucks, but that's where you are, so pare down that list where you can. Pay people, streamline, give kids more to do, ask for help, shed some obligations.
    I also don’t have enough time in the day to do all of that and handle it all.  I really can’t do it all.
    You really don't, heck no one has time for that list! And being under that much pressure, of course the sleep issues will loom larger.

    I probably missed it, but why is he roaming around at all hours of the night to switch on lights and make a clatter in the first place? Maybe add some melatonin at bedtime, or otherwise look at his med schedule to make sure it isn't contributing to night wakefulness? LOL maybe a nightly dose of tryptophan in the form of a turkey sandwich and warm glass of milk will knock him out for the night! >:)
    "Speak your truth." - Scarlet
    Remember to play!
    Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
    Be married, until you are not.

    Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
    JellyBeanHusband3point0
  • giraffegiraffe USAMember Posts: 98
    Angeline said:

    I probably missed it, but why is he roaming around at all hours of the night to switch on lights and make a clatter in the first place? Maybe add some melatonin at bedtime, or otherwise look at his med schedule to make sure it isn't contributing to night wakefulness? LOL maybe a nightly dose of tryptophan in the form of a turkey sandwich and warm glass of milk will knock him out for the night! >:)
    He just gets up early and starts moving before the rest of the household.  He doesn't make that much noise, except when his alarm goes off or he listens to music in the shower, but typically I can sleep through that.  It's the lights coming on that solidify my inability to sleep through it.  It's like being woken up from a deep solid sleep into an interrogation chamber with spotlights.  I thought about unscrewing all the light bulbs so that he couldn't, but that kind of causes issues the rest of the time.  But the switch is fixed, no more issues there.

    He sleeps solidly at night, it's actually me that doesn't.  Insomnia is my thing - at least, when falling asleep.  I could sleep till 10am most days if life didn't get in the way but falling asleep for me is a long process, even if tired.
    Angeline
  • giraffegiraffe USAMember Posts: 98
    A friend has helped by sending us those boxed dinners you prepare as a gift while we go through this (blue apron), my son makes those.  He's liking learning to cook and the instructions are easy and clear enough.  We get two of those dinners a week for the whole family.  When she stops sending them, we will probably continue that.

    I use a grocery service that brings the already picked out groceries to husband or son's car, depending on who gets it today.  It's quicker and easier than either of them wandering the store for me and I don't spend my time on minutiae like that.  If I am decisive about what I want, ordering groceries can take 10-12 minutes, as it did yesterday (and they will be ready this evening for curbside pickup by husband, who will require a reminder text or he will forget). 

    @HildaCorners I used to have an assistant, when my husband's behavior changed so drastically and suddenly I sought one out.  I found after a while that the detailed notes I would have to leave her to explain how I needed something done were taking longer than it would for me to just do it.  I think we were not the right match.  Finding a good one and getting them to understand what you need done is the hard part.

    In her place I hired a few other people - yard service, the grocery service, housekeeper, spa/pool service and a pet sitter who all sort of combined to do what I needed her to do or managing others.  The errands I outsourced to kids with cars and did myself.  When the kids do them, there are errors.  My son went to the pharmacy to get prescriptions that were ready, but did not verify they were running insurance so he paid $90 more for 2 prescriptions for my husband than he should have.  I had to fix that yesterday.  So outsourcing isn't always more efficient, but it is a learning experience for a teen who's almost an adult.  Also, over the years the housekeeper became less efficient and I let her go after the layoff, the grocery service changed as new services came on the market, my yard guy stopped showing up (need a new one before Spring, will need to get on that) and the pet sitter was a luxury we cut when husband got laid off.  I am using her again some this month though and that will probably continue. 

    I just need to find my stride again.  I can do this, I just can't do it all.  And each person I hire does require some management, some time scheduling so that I am here when they need to be here or they have their lists and their expectations clearly laid out.

    One area I am going to probably have to take a leap of faith on is the working aspect of things.  I am going to have to go part time for a while to keep all these balls from falling to the ground.  I hesitated big time on that because I felt I couldn't trust him to be honest about simple things he likes/doesn't like.  It doesn't feel safe to put all my trust in someone and risk my financial future on someone who's behaving like this.  But we are in a more dire situation than all that so I need to kind of suck it up and know he's apparently going to lie some.  I don't think that's brain stuff, I think that's nice guy stuff - I think @Husband3point0 is very right about a lot of my husband's core personality.

    And when I look at him objectively I think the chances of him leaving me at the moment are slim to none.  He knows he's not at full capacity and needs help from someone to get through things.  He would be an absolute fool to risk his own health and safety, even if we only want to look at it from that angle.

    So, I will finish the fmla paperwork.  That's probably the best way to go for now to be part time for a bit and then, we will see what happens in 6 months when the FMLA time runs out (if I go half-time, for instance).

    I am thinking all of this through today, a lot.  @Angeline I like the idea of military wife resources etc, I will look into some of that and see what they have published.
    AngelineHildaCornersHusband3point0amblrgirl
  • HildaCornersHildaCorners Winter? You call *that* winter?Gold Women Posts: 3,377
    Back home ... Giraffe, I was thinking more of an IRL version of a virtual assistant, someone who can manage all the other service providers, pay bills for you, make your appointments (and keep your calendar) ... fairly high level stuff.

    I'm not sure how much this would de-stress you ... what are the things in your life that you find most annoying, and can you delegate them? Or delegate other things, giving you more time and mental energy for the annoying things.

    For that matter, an occasional "Giraffe only" mini vacation might not be a bad thing. If Mr G needs adult supervision (I'm not sure he does), look into respite care for him, and get yourself off to a local resort or relaxing inn for a night.

    Enneagram 5w4.  I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.

    "I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
    giraffe
  • curiousellecuriouselle Member Posts: 12

    giraffe, We see the world through the filter of our own experience.  However, it isn’t just a filter--it is our applied experience which gives us expertise.  Husband3point0 has written posts on nice guys which are exceptional.  I have gone back to his posts and then back again.  So good, clear, resonant and helpful that I want to capture them it in case, as sometimes happens, the writings disappear.  Serenity checks in on T with full knowledge of the serious impacts on day-to-day life if levels are out. 

     

    I have not read every post here but when I read snippets of your story, a little warning alarm triggers.   I had an in-law who suffered a couple of concussions.  Hospitalized for the first one, the second he declined going to the doctor at first, he said he knew the drill for recovery.  He attended many doctors appointments (sometimes he didn’t make them because he forgot).  The prognosis was improvement. And yet, his family saw a decline.  It affected everything.  His workplace placed him on disability leave and he went through insurer questions and saw the appropriate physicians for tests.  Cognitively he struggled more and more, even with the stress of work removed.  His conversations were sometimes disconnected.  Even physical tasks, not herculean by any stretch were difficult.  And doing household tasks like, painting a bedroom meant his family stepped up when he got paint on the ceiling instead of the walls.  They quietly fixed what he botched and handled the clean up.  They did that for years, but it got to a point where he was struggling so much more.  He would become irritable.  He would also have good days.  They worked very hard at accommodating his precarious state.  Doctors didn’t find anything earth-shattering through batteries of tests.  Day-to-day life became a walking on eggshells affair.  Unknown charges on the accounts.   Things just didn’t add up.  Until they did.  He was hiding years of drinking.  But it came to a point where is functioning was so noticibly off – and then it probably took a couple of years before it was actually discovered.  Hidden alcoholism.  At the time of discovery the family had been coping for years without a fully functioning partner and family member. 

     

    Perhaps it is time to embark on a very important covert operation with your greatest stealth.  Could he be hiding substance use? 

    Uncovering this, if it exists, would be lousy.  Not uncovering this, if it exists, would be catastrophic.

     

    I feel for you and the heavy lifting you already do.  I wish you well.

    JellyBeangiraffe
  • giraffegiraffe USAMember Posts: 98
    edited December 12
    Back home ... Giraffe, I was thinking more of an IRL version of a virtual assistant, someone who can manage all the other service providers, pay bills for you, make your appointments (and keep your calendar) ... fairly high level stuff.

    I'm not sure how much this would de-stress you ... what are the things in your life that you find most annoying, and can you delegate them? Or delegate other things, giving you more time and mental energy for the annoying things.

    For that matter, an occasional "Giraffe only" mini vacation might not be a bad thing. If Mr G needs adult supervision (I'm not sure he does), look into respite care for him, and get yourself off to a local resort or relaxing inn for a night.
    He does not need constant adult supervision for normal basic things and yes, I would really like a getaway that lets me have some me time.  Husband left today to go visit his sister for part of the holidays, so I get some time not having to handle him, which is great.  It will give me some good time to get into a single mindset, logistically.  When I say that I do not mean sexually at all, just to be clear.

    The things I find most annoying... it depends.  If I am not feeling pulled in so many different directions all at once there isn't a really long list.  But if I am emotionally or physically spent or getting hit with needing to be here, there and that place plus get this that and the other done all at once, then the list is longer and includes simple things like laundry piling up can make me feel overwhelmed.  Most often it is work expectations pushing on me and leaving me feeling like I am not meeting expectations enough.

    I will need to spend some time determining what an assistant like that could do for me.  I know I used the old assistant to run errands, do grocery shopping, clean the house, pick up dry cleaning and things like that.  I let her go after I needed her to pick up an item for me and despite being given the address she couldn't find the location.  I ended up on the phone, walking her through it for about 10 minutes before she found it.  That kind of thing happened a lot and I ended up unhappy with having to follow up so much on things that really should have been pretty easy.

    I am most struggling with letting him provide financially.  I have been taking care of myself for a long time.  I've had a job since I was 15 years old.  It's not easy to shift to something else for me and I have some hangups about being dependent on others.  And when I think about it I know I still have some passive income and will be still contributing financially in a smaller way.  It sometimes makes me nervous for a few minutes and then I am able to remind myself that actually, it's not completely true that i will be a burden on him.  I just get stuck in a sometimes negative mind loop about it.

    I talked to him about this and he has agreed, but he was reluctant at first.  At first he was against it and tried to overrule me, but I told him I wasn't asking permission I was simply laying out the expectations and telling him what is happening now.  He did not like it, said I was pushing him out.  When I pointed out that I would be depending on him for financial support so I can function this way, he actually looked relieved and that was the beginning of when he agreed.  He also asked if I will still give him a chance to do things like painting a wall or hanging pictures on the wall and doing small tasks to be useful.  I told him we might get there at some point, but that my plan is to keep the household functioning by bringing in outside help as needed and keeping his stress low so he can heal.

    So I have a break from him (I don't mean that in a negative way) for a bit that will let me get into a routine for a few weeks.
    HildaCorners
  • giraffegiraffe USAMember Posts: 98

     Perhaps it is time to embark on a very important covert operation with your greatest stealth.  Could he be hiding substance use? 

    Uncovering this, if it exists, would be lousy.  Not uncovering this, if it exists, would be catastrophic.   I feel for you and the heavy lifting you already do.  I wish you well.
    Thank you for your thoughts.  My late husband had some addiction issues and one of my kids has a similar personality and has experimented some with substances, so I know of what you speak.

    My husband is the guy that chose never to do drugs ever or drink much because his brain was so important to him, he never wanted to do anything that would blunt it.  At this point I have access to (and am in charge of) all financial accounts, so if there was a lot of money going from accounts for substances, I would be very aware of it.

    He has maybe 1 drink a month when out with friends, has never touched drugs and smokes a cigar or two a year with the guys.  He has one work conference a year he usually speaks at where he can be counted on to get a bit drunk afterwards with friends. It's just a known fact, blowing off steam.  I attend with him, so I have seen it every year. I can be relatively certain of the facts of that based on finances and observed behaviors, reported behaviors from people who have known him longer than me and comments friends have made about his behaviors.

    My older child got into some drugs a few years back.  My husband was very judgmental and it was at that time he said to me "I never touched pot even as a teen because I didn't want to damage my brain.  How can (my older child) take that risk?"  It would be extremely out of character for him to be using substances.  More likely would be inadvertently damaging his brain through the sleep apnea that he just didn't want to go to a doctor about at first.  That fits with his personality.

    However, I will take a deep dive into our finances and keeping an eye on things a little more, to be sure.  Thank you.
  • giraffegiraffe USAMember Posts: 98
    Hmmmm.... he's gone for 24 hours and I am kind of bored and ready to take a nap.  

    Maybe I am managing more stuff for him than I realize. 

    Either way, I think it's time to down shift into a slower gear for me.
  • giraffegiraffe USAMember Posts: 98
    Beatrice said:
    I was not implying that you are attracted to FB guy. I was observing that you seem to respond to small amounts of attention with large amounts of attention. I think it would be worth your time to think about if or how much that could be true and whether you want to do that. 

    She always "over" responds to Impulsive Leadership because they are her top two brands of sexuality. Which is why every time her H displays even an ounce of impulsive leadership, she showers him with porn star sex -- because she subconsciously is rewarding the hell out if the behavior she craves the most. 

    And that's why other men who cold entry as impulsive leaders set her into "wtf is up with me?" mode. Because they implicitly turn her on since they are ringing her bell, intentionally or not. 

    Finally, that explains why every time her H drops the ball, she responds so over-the-top, especially when those coincide with certain points in her cycle -- he is failing at providing the thing she needs most, precisely at the time when she is most attuned to receive it. 

    It's like someone actively throwing away her favorite chocolates exactly when she's craving them the most. OR, on the positive side, delivering her favorite chocolate without being prompted at the exact second she wanted one. 


    From another thread, but could have been written about me I think as well.  I recognize this in myself.  I am craving strength and direction and I think it does leave me vulnerable to seeing it in other men and really noticing that it pings my attraction.

    I'm copying it here so I can digest it some and think about it down the line.
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