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Comments
Their vested interest in their current version of reality is so deep-rooted that only something equally traumatic will get them to release their hold on the current paranoid driven reality and adjust into a healthier collective reality shared with others.
Don't ask me why I know this. It's a long sad sick path, fraught with insomnia and depression.
would being served papers be enough of a trauma a motivate an NPD? (an A/B without the A?)
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Fuck Culture. Live your life - Beatrice
Keep moving forward, doing whatever you need to do to secure your and your children's future, and the path will become clearer. You definitely sound together enough that it will be the best outcome for all of you.
I am not convinced, but I wouldn't be surprised to find out that her real goal medal ultimatum is something as simple as -- "put real effort into therapy and heal from your childhood such that you no longer see me as the root of your issues. If you don't, then I will be forced to save myself and my children from your psychological abuse."
IOW, he's not going to get a "change your attitude" message IMHO. I actually believe he is not capable of processing that message cognitively. I honestly believe his hamsters are so ingrained and strong to protect him from damage such that he cannot process a "it's your fault" message. Not by the way she describes him anyway. The usual NPD pattern is to protect oneself from blame, at all costs. They will literally rewrite history and their own experiences in order to avoid blame. They're typically immune from accountability, basically.
But, it's possible he might be capable of receiving a "work with doctors to work through your childhood issues and become less toxic or I will be forced to remove myself and my children from your presence, especially sothay the cycle doesn't repeat itself with them."
That message might get through, if he's able to externalize his pain long enough such that he can witness analogous pain thru his children sharing his fate.
She needs an epic version of 'boo the villains' basically, which in his case is his dystopian childhood that created this mess.
I can only answer from my situation, but the answer to SPR is "maybe."
The ex in question wasn't NPD. He was Aspie, with totally repressed childhood abuse (maybe sexual) and possibly bipolar as well. He was able to keep his life under some control long enough for us to fall in love, marry, and make babies. Eventually I found out about his deep dark past (and deep dark present), and, in the presence of the best therapist I could find, confronted him.
This was a major, major trauma for him, and he reacted to it by withdrawing and becoming depressed. Despite the therapy, he never started healing — instead he cracked, and became psychotic.
H3.0's trauma idea might work, or it might backfire. I would never try it without having mental health professionals standing by for a few weeks, ready to whisk him into a hospital for evaluation (this didn't happen with my ex). And also making provisions to leave with kids in a hurry if he becomes violent (which did happen to me).
Standard disclaimer: I'm speaking from my experience only, and I truly hope your experience is different and better. I'm trying not to project my feelings and opinions as advice, just as an experience you should know about.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
My first accidental phase four with a mild-moderate narc was a disaster. It took almost three years to get to a point after that where it could rattle him enough for trauma. The premature a/b set me way back.
You can create the needed traumatic event, but it has to be REAL, for both of you.
Get your ducks in a row to make it easy to leave. Job, car, knowledge of rentals, lawyer on retainer, etc. Having your parents in state is a huge plus.
Across the street from the TV-less apartment we're temporarily living in here in my NewCity where I've lived for all of 6 weeks and have no friends yet is a dive bar where I heard I can watch my Cubbies in the Series. Late the other night after all in my family were asleep I slipped out to check out this new-to-me bar and catch the end of the game. (Spoiler: not a happy ending for me.) I looked like shit and did not make eye contact with anyone, and was staring down at my phone during commercial breaks and when the game ended. I was hiding out in the back and did not order anything. While I was staring into my phone reading an email, a guy and his wingman approached and opened a really nice set on me. Great opening line if anyone wants it: "Are you wasting your life away on that phone?" I was really flattered. It was a notable interaction to me in that I have rarely ever been hit on without me making eye contact first-- and the first look I got of these guys was when they started talking to me. Maybe I don't look quite as terrible as I think I do. The universe may be trying to tell me something.
my advice to you is to live clear of these types of interactions so as to be able to feel 100% good about yourself as having scrupulously lived on the high road
sure, harmless flirting with old men at bus stops or at the bank is one thing ... being alone in a bar is just something i think you won't want on your side of the ledger in your quiet moments
be strong - channel that energy into your workouts and your MAP resolve
its gonna be better - but its gonna take time
virtual innocent internet stranger hugs - good luck
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Fuck Culture. Live your life - Beatrice
I will argue that getting an ioi is good too. Just Don't let them become your new dopamine source.
Also find a gym open late with TVs. Two birds with that one.
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
I see multiple calls a day this week between him and Mr. F. That many phone calls during the day despite working together! Hello, EA. My parents and I are pretty sure F was behind the bright idea to snatch the passports. Have discussed corrective action options with my lawyer.
I'm getting stronger and stronger. Feels good.
A funny aside-- during one of H's most recent angry rants to me when we were alone he said "You always make me initiate sex. It's always up to you!" No shit, dude! Thought ya'll would appreciate that. And also "You abandoned me to watch 'Walking Dead' and 'Game of Thrones'!" Which, for the record, we would watch together in bed, and then always have sex after because: very high stim shows and all.
Gah! I am so resilient!!! I seriously feel like I can do anything.
His episodes are moments for you to find inner calm and peace. Churchill is your patron saint in this case: "Never let a good crisis go to waste..."
H wanted to pick the kids up from school and apparently break this devastating news to them in the carpool lane. Oh hell no. A quick call to the school administration (who, unasked, started giving me the telephone numbers for some lawyers) and we bought some time and were able to wait until the kids were well fed, hydrated, well rested and comfortable before we all told them together first thing the next morning, and with a counselor-approved message, that Daddy had secretly moved out.
I am so happy he is (mostly) gone from my home.
I am going to file for divorce when I get the green light from my lawyer to do so. The only good news is I now have absolutely no doubt it's the right choice because he has gotten abusive in front of the kids, including secretly moving out of their home, and that didn't use to happen before the move. The big decision I have to make in the next couple of months is whether or not to move the kids back to the state we just moved them out of less than 2 months ago, and where we still have our nice furnished home.
We will get through it, and will be stronger for it.
Did the children's passports get returned?
For touch, get a good massage, tell the therapist what's going on, and let your self grieve. (((Edith)))