Trying to be OI, but now I am pissed.

monkeydog

So, despite being awesome and seemingly doing all the right things, I am getting constantly shut down. It's been at least 6 weeks since we have had anything other than weekly maintainance sex. 

We were in a hotel for 3 nights, no hotel sex, lame morning sex and a nice BJ on the last night, but it was totally transactional. 

Shot it down every Friday and Saturday night -- in fact I haven't even initiated because she prempts me and takes it off the table. I have tried considering this a yellow and trying again later, to be met with hard no.

Constantly getting the "pressuring me for sex" thing, even though I've been out of town and didn't initiate until last night. 

No no kids in the house for the first time in years. Had happy hour, nice sunset, cuddling on the couch and then I get the can we just relax and not have sex thing. I  said I didn't think the two were mutually exclusive . Anyway watched a movie, nice affection, but continuing hamster shit. Eventually I just gave up and went to bed. I stayed smiley and positive the whole time.

I am pissed because this seems to me like controlling bullshit. We were having good frequency and quality July through mid September. 

she is being affectionate, but no kissing beyond brief pecks.

I could probably go back to bed and get morning quickie right now, but I don't want to because I feel like this is a big shit test.

Time to STFU and go to the gym, I think.

Smashmaster

I would be frustrated too. >:(

It's also a good example of why "Should be thinking" is poison to OI.

monkeydog

Smashmaster said:

I would be frustrated too. >:(

It's also a good example of why "Should be thinking" is poison to OI.

Can you expand on this?

monkeydog

To clarify, I am pissed because I feel like she is withholding sex in order to teach me a lesson and assert control.

I am glad it's on her mind, because she keeps bringing it up, but only to tell me not to try. And then she'll initiate under her terms, which is resulting in low quality sex.

I am going to go about my merry way today while ramping up the sexual tension. 

Aklattle

It's probably better not to assume bad intentions.

Tennee

Question, then I'll comment further:

Do you try to parlay the 'weekly duty sex' into more?  Does she get into it once things get going?  Have you tried to take this to a more dominant level - pin her arms, dirty talk, poundtown, tell her what to do?

monkeydog

So, part of the issue is that I re-aggravated my back, so we've had to go easy, BJ, that sort of thing. With the exception of BJ last Sunday, everything has been morning since mid-September, with a 2 week gap. 

Wake up sex doesn't do it for me emotionally and it's almost always quick, especially after a week. She's not been up for round 2.

Sex got weird again around the 20th of September -- we had sex in the morning that got interrupted before she got hers. I told her I'd get her later. Anyway, when I did,  I was pretty dominant and she seemed pretty into it, , biting my biceps and shit. She got hers.

Anyway, after that she seemed distant. Went off her HRT (she's back on it). I called her on it and she said she thought I was selfish that night and didn't make it all about her.

Then 2 week drought and sex has been infrequent and sub par since then and I have been shut down whenever she thinks I am going to initiate.

Tennee

First off, get rid of 'Now I am pissed' - she'll sense it. 

Read this:  https://marriedmansexlife.vanillacommunities.com/discussion/11947/on-parlaying-duty-sex/p1

We debate 'Duty Sex', RD, and some other tangents.  I am very much in the 'Parlay it into more' camp, and I do. 

I would humorously A&A the 'per-emptive shut downs' unless you're prepared to turn them into a Hill To Die On, AKA a Phase 4 moment. 

fredless

monkeydog said:

So, despite being awesome and seemingly doing all the right things, I am getting constantly shut down. It's been at least 6 weeks since we have had anything other than weekly maintainance sex. 

The above statement is a concern to me.  It seems that since you perceive that you are "awesome and seemingly doing all the right things," your wife should have sex with you.  That is a covert contract.  Covert contracts are not attractive.  You should be awesome and do the right things for yourself--to make yourself awesome.  Eventually, you will be so awesome, your wife wants to have hot monkey sex with you...or she won't.  And then it's time for you to make a decision about your marriage.

If your wife is not having anything other than weekly maintenance sex, and medical has been ruled out, she is not attracted to you.

HildaCorners

Sounds like you're still on the Covert Contract Plan.

On one level, she knows this ... when she says "all you ever think about is sex" she means "every nice thing you do for me, you only do it to get sex." Very different ... you need to break that covert contract and do nice things for her (and for yourself) without any expectation of sex.

One way to do this, if it fits your style, is to flirt and do drive-bys in situations where sex is impossible. Her: "why are you feeling my boobs now, you know you aren't getting any?" You: "I know, I just can't keep my hands off you." Her: (smiling) "Pervert." You: (smiling back) "Yup."

Also ... you're early in your MAP, and should not expect porn-star sex all the time. Or even half the time. Athol has said that even in the best marriages, 70% of all sex will be maintenance — though it can be good maintenance.

She's not yet ready to trust the changes you are making in yourself. That will take months, even a year or two, of you showing consistently that you are an Awesome Captain. You should be seeing some progress this month vs. 6 months ago ... that's the time frame you are looking at. Slow and steady.

monkeydog

Aklattle said:

It's probably better not to assume bad intentions.

I am trying not to, but I am pretty sure she is withholding. 

For example, I asked how long until lunch because I was getting pretty hungry. I was working on stair project and she was in kitchen.

Instead of telling me, she said "you're just going to have to control yourself."

I replied "well I don't about that."

"You're going to have to, this isn't a quta system."

I had no response, and kiddos were around so I just STFU.

@Tennee I do parlay duty sex when I can and it hasn't been horrible, I mean, I have gotten 2 BJTCs in the last 2 weeks. 


She is drip feeding me, I have no doubt about that. She has gone out of her way to shut me down during times that have always been "locks" for us.

monkeydog

So, the sex came back and then went away. I am more attractive now then I was in July.

Drive byes also went from welcome to pissing her off.

I am trying very hard not to have covert contracts and I am not acting pissy at all -- that's one of the things I am being awesome about.

 I think @HildaCorners is right that she is testing me to see if she can bring out the old monkeydog.

I got this, I am just disappointed and horny and venting.

monkeydog

@fredless I am trying to figure out why she's reverting, while I am improving. 

I don't think medical is ruled out, either. She's only been back on for a week, so that could be part of it. 

I am overthinking this and rewriting history. I got stripshow and bjtc in front of mirror last Sunday night and here I am bitching. 

I am just a horny son of a bitch who got used to better sex then we are having now. 

First world problem.

HildaCorners

monkeydog said:

 I think @HildaCorners is right that she is testing me to see if she can bring out the old monkeydog.

That is not what I meant.

She doesn't want the old Monkeydog. We've seen evidence that she likes and prefers you stronger, more of a Captain.

But ... she's afraid to trust that you've made a permanent change. I'm sure you tried to make changes before; they lasted a couple weeks or a month, then you went back to the old you. [I'm sure you did this because we all do.]

How can she know that your current changes are different? Well, she can't, not until she's seen the Monkeydog 2.0 for a long time, in many situations. That's what takes months — building the track record so she can trust your changes are permanent.

This is the hardest part of the MAP ... you're doing all the right things, but not seeing any change in her. You have to be patient, no matter how hard, and stick to your MAP.

Angeline

So, despite being awesome for a couple of months and seemingly doing all the right things lately, I am getting almost constantly shut down except for the times she doesn't. It's been at least 6 weeks since we have had anything other than weekly maintainance sex even though I'm not capable of more than that right now I resent her for it.

monkeydog

Angeline said:

So, despite being awesome for a couple of months and seemingly doing all the right things lately, I am getting almost constantly shut down except for the times she doesn't. It's been at least 6 weeks since we have had anything other than weekly maintainance sex even though I'm not capable of more than that right now I resent her for it.

I know. You are right except now I am capable, which is probably why I am not OI on this. 

Also, I am not imagining this -- she is putting me in my place and is being pretty overt about it.

fredless

monkeydog said:

Also, I am not imagining this -- she is putting me in my place and is being pretty overt about it.

How can she put you in your place without your permission?  She can attempt to put you in your place, but that is all.

monkeydog

Yes, attempting. I am not taking the bait and am being playful and positive. 

Venting here is helping.

EANx

monkeydog said:

I am trying not to, but I am pretty sure she is withholding. 

For example, I asked how long until lunch because I was getting pretty hungry. I was working on stair project and she was in kitchen.

Instead of telling me, she said "you're just going to have to control yourself."

I replied "well I don't about that."

"You're going to have to, this isn't a quta system."

I had no response, and kiddos were around so I just STFU.

Well, I'm hungry now, gonna go hit the Subway. You want anything?

Rorschach

Maybe it is about control. Maybe not. But slow down and be patient. I think the fact that she is saying these things is an indication that the winds of change are blowing (pun intended). Patience. 

JellyBean

You've been displaying lots of DLVs over the last few months and years. It takes time to demonstrate the new you is sticking around. Getting pissy about it only sets you back.