Trying to be OI, but now I am pissed.

monkeydog

Feeling rather drained. Maybe I'll sleep past 3:00 am tonight.

I will try to let it go and forgive -- hopefully it will be easier to stop my hamster now that I have identified the wheel.

My inclination is to STFU, work on me and use this to help me smash my wife goggles.

She is not getting any dick tonight, that's for sure.

monkeydog

Angeline said:

I don't think so. I think words have not been helpful thus far. If she starts up with negativity, just say, "Let's have a moratorium on more and more angry words, and just do the next right thing for about 6 months. We have some good stuff to build on, let's see what we can do with that."
And then work on you the very bestest and hardest you can. I think you have a great capacity for self examination that will serve you well, if you can keep the anger and the mouth in check.

Well, at least we haven't really been fighting and her behavior has been fine.  Yes, she was testing me with the pre-emptive shut downs, I was about 4-1 on OI.

I haven't raised my voice or been angry in a long time, but probably some passive aggressive stuff that I am doing without realizing it. Or maybe the wife is just projecting. Who knows.

I'm going to go do my stretches and calf raises.

monkeydog

So, feeling a bit down.

Felt very low energy yesterday after PT and my realization that I do not feel emotionally safe with my wife.

I stayed way out of her orbit and of course she came looking for me.

More affectionate than usual last night, wanted to cuddle in bed, maybe was yellow. I took it as a test to prove that  affection doesn't have to lead to sex. So I cuddled a bit, patted her on the butt and went to sleep.

Except I woke up at midnight and stayed that way all night.

So, now I am tired and emotionally drained. We are going to a neighbors (married 75 years!) for wine and lasagna tonight, which is always a good night.

Anyway, I hope I can be and/or appear to be upbeat tonight. Honestly, I am feeling downright sad about things. I am sure I am overreacting. That's sort of my thing, right?

MissD

Yes, I think you overact and suspect you're are a glass half-full kinda person coupled with a tendency to see things black/white.

So, I mean this kindly: FFS, don't discount the fact she is still there by your side! (And (and!) giving you BJs.)

Suck it buttercup. Addressing your health isn't always just physical.

What are you doing to healthy deal with negative emotions/thoughts/anger?

You need to deal with this otherwise you'll just carry this baggage forever.

Your stay plan is the same as your go plan.

OneEyedDrunk

I used to be you. I would maybe consider looking at my posts, and see what I was dealing with. I was addicted to porn. My wife would fall asleep in front of the tv every night. I would wake her up to go to bed, initiate, and she would shoot me down constantly as she was too tired. I proceeded to sneak out of the room, would log on to look at porn, and basically deal with the issue. 

Sex was almost non-existent. I would go to bed mad constantly. OI? No way. I would argue with her over the lack of sex. She would get mad at me as I was mad at her. My wife would tell me sex was a chore to her. It's clearly a chore to your wife. 

I did everything. I begged. I lectured. I practically told her I was going to find a girlfriend to fool around with on the side. I almost did. She would cry. Nothing worked. She could see the look of disdain on my face when heading to bed. She would ask me what was wrong, and I would just unload on her. I was blunt. I was completely cruel. I didn't mince words. 

You have got to find a way to mask your anger. I want you to try an exercise. Think of happy thoughts when it's time for bed. I don't know. Maybe think of a tropical island. Don't sabatoge yourself, and find a reason to be mad at anything. Look at stupid cat videos on YouTube. You can't help but laugh at those before bed. 

Your wife sees this. She sees your anger. She sees you feeling down. That's why she's reacting. I don't know what happened in my case, but I figured a way to change it after reading the Primer. I would be upbeat when I went to bed. If I was tired, then I would maybe tease the wife a little on my way up. 

Do stupid stuff to get in a better mood. Race your wife to the bedroom. Smack her butt from behind as you go up possibly. Snap her bra from behind. Stop on the stairs in front of her, and start walking backwards as a joke. Oh, I'm SO sorry...not sorry. Get some playfulness going for you guys. Does this mean initiate that night? Maybe not. The thing is, she will be on to you if you initiate after doing this every night. Have some nights where you are playful, but do not initiate. It will throw her off guard. 

Let her brush her teeth, fix her hair, pee. Whatever. Then attack her. It may work. It may not. She may go for it. She may not. If she pushes you off, then DO NOT show any slightest hint of being upset. Think of Maverick from Top Gun. Did he get upset when the chic turned him down in the bathroom at the bar? Nope. He tried again later, and finally sealed the deal. 

So she gives you a hard no. Climb off, smile, tell her some silly line, and kiss her forehead. Some lines I have used are What? You are turning thIs down? Your loss babe. Damn,  and you could have been fucked hard into the bed tonight. But I'm bringing sexy back. 

I watched a Saturday Night Live skit with William Shatner several years ago. I pull off a pretty good rendition to what he does in front of the mirror in the bathroom. Look at that. That's a tight butt. Ooh, that's a hard chest. Haha!!

Again, not the slightest frown or scowl. Do not let on! Period! If you can pull that off, then I can pretty much guarantee your amount of sex will increase. I encourage you to make a spreadsheet, and keep track of the data. I kept track and clearly saw a difference. 

Reborn

All of that except for the spreadsheet bit 

monkeydog

So, I was doing all those things. Still doing them. We are playful and joke all the time.

Everything was great July, August and then about September 20, it's like the switch went off again and fun sexy times became duty/chore sex.

I am doing what I can not to let on and puking all of my negative emotions about it here -- things are not that bleak, I know.

We had a good night last night, but I was too sleepy to initiate and went to bed before her.

I think my problem now is that I am trying too hard, doing too many different things and its just not coming off as genuine.

I need to chill out, be positive, stop trying on different frames/personas and just be myself.

Tennee

"I think my problem now is that I am trying too hard, doing too many different things and its just not coming off as genuine."

YES.

"I need to chill out, be positive, stop trying on different frames/personas and just be myself."

YESSSSSS!!!!!

monkeydog

To expand on this...

For example on Sunday, after I woke up pissed off and went to the gym, when I got home, I was just WAY TOO CHIPPER.

A few weeks ago, I was doing drive byes that were pissing her off, and I kept doing it. I was like Jim Carey from the mask.

I think I took the poundtown/caveman stuff too far as well and came off as selfish in bed.

I am spending too much time asking for and taking advice and gaming my wife and life. I need to spend more time just BEING.

No wonder she feels pressure -- she's trying to figure out who this maniac is.

Angeline

I think you're also expecting stellar sex when you can't physically follow through anyway. If you can't bring it, you can't expecting her to do it for you. 

I really hope you can continue to improve physically so you can feel better, and also so you can do real workouts to burn some if this off. 

monkeydog

I think that is part of it, Angeline.

We were having pretty good and even stellar sex  July - September 18th.

Then 2 week drought, OK morning sex and I re-aggravated the back.

As of last weekend, I am back to where I was before I re-aggravated, so I can bring it again.

Which is probably why I was not OI over this rejection. I was ready to BRING IT after 6 weeks of getting by with whatever we could do.

She was tired and ready to watch a movie and eat popcorn.

OneEyedDrunk

monkeydog said:

So, I was doing all those things. Still doing them. We are playful and joke all the time.

Everything was great July, August and then about September 20, it's like the switch went off again and fun sexy times became duty/chore sex.

I am doing what I can not to let on and puking all of my negative emotions about it here -- things are not that bleak, I know.

We had a good night last night, but I was too sleepy to initiate and went to bed before her.

I think my problem now is that I am trying too hard, doing too many different things and its just not coming off as genuine.

I need to chill out, be positive, stop trying on different frames/personas and just be myself.

Good self analysis. You'll get this man. The fact you recognize what you are doing is huge. 

Husband3point0

Do yourself a favor and re-read this thread. But, I have an interesting exercise for you while you read it. Keep a paper and pen handy and every time you read one of your posts that's positive, write a "+" and every time you read a post that's negative, write a "-". When you cross the boundary of a day, write a long line down the page. This thread has about 5-6 days in it, so you'll basically windup a graph of your emotional state over the past week. 

When you're done, note the volatility. That has got to be a non-trivial part of your problem. No one in history seeks volatility like that, unless you're an options trader. Excitement is one thing. But, I can virtually guarantee that zero women want to be married to Spongebob. 

Tennee

^  Do me a favor, as you're doing H3P0's exercise, track how many times you're letting her frame dictate your own.  See if it correlates to 'negative posts'.  You let her dictate your frame A LOT. 

monkeydog

Interesting, will do. 

I'm not used to these mini sex droughts, they weren't a thing until our marriage was in serious trouble last fall. So I am panicking and thinking "here we go again." I really have been rather spoiled sexually, never had to work for it very hard and probably have some entitlement issues around it.

The good thing is much of this emotional turbulence is happening during the day or when she is not around, so I get to get most of it out before we even interact. I think I am acting fine around her -- I have taken it down a notch for sure.

On another positive note, she has been much more affectionate at bedtime the last few days, She doesn't seem to be as afraid that I am going to pounce on her like she has been in the last few weeks.  So I think I am doing a better job of decoupling affection from sex.

I will  do the exercises and report back.

42andatowel

But, I can virtually guarantee that zero women want to be married to Spongebob. 

That needed to be it's own post so I could agree with the rest and click LOL on that.

monkeydog

So, did the exercise.

Basically it's:

Day 1: Down, down, down, down,Up, down, Up, Up
Day 2: Up, Up, down,down, Up, Up, Up, Up, Up, Up, Up, Down, Dwon
Day 3: Down, up, down
Day 4: Up, Up, Up

So, up and down, but basically a pattern of digging myself out of a spiral and then digging up a demon that resulted in another spiral.

As far as frame goes ... I need to get back to basics on that.

Luckily we have been super busy and not much one on one time, so not much chance for me to go all sponge bob on her.

I am feeling good today. Lost 5 lbs this week. I'm going to stop worrying about her and personalizing this and just enjoy the weekend.

SallyMander

Husband3point0

monkeydog said:

So, did the exercise.

Basically it's:

Day 1: Down, down, down, down,Up, down, Up, Up
Day 2: Up, Up, down,down, Up, Up, Up, Up, Up, Up, Up, Down, Dwon
Day 3: Down, up, down
Day 4: Up, Up, Up

So, up and down, but basically a pattern of digging myself out of a spiral and then digging up a demon that resulted in another spiral.
 

Don't miss the key part of the signal -- you're switching directions every day, often multiple times per day. 

Men with really strong frames are often neutral for several days in a row, rather than up and down in different directions 3-4 times per day. 

Put it this way, your wife really wants this:
+ 0 0 0 0
0 0 0 0
0 0
0 0 0 - 0
0 0
0
0
0 0 0 + + 
- - 0 0 0 0 +
0 0 0
0
0 0
0
0
0 0 0 0 0 +

When you're like this:
- - - - + - + +
And that's just the first day!

Stability is your friend. Volatility is your enemy. 

monkeydog

Hey, you didn't ask me to mark the neutral posts!

I get your point, although I question your methodology.

What's funny, is that my wife used to complain that I never seemed too happy or too sad about anything, that I was too even keeled.

I have been self medicating so long, and everything was hunky dory until a few weeks ago, that I am out of the habit of dealing with negative emotions.

Easier to be chill when you are stoned 24/7.