edithkeeler's MILF MAP

edithkeeler

Wannabe MILF here married to an H with some narcissistic tendencies.

RED

-- Lose all of the remaining pregnancy weight.
-- Stop Orbiting My Husband - get my own life, friends, interests
-- Stop Fighting Dirty - don't get baited into stupid fights my H picks with me. Ignore!
-- Stop People Pleasing - no more mrs. nice girl!


YELLOW

-- Maintain My Own Frame
-- Recognize Double Binds -- there are oh so many! Good times!
-- Discover the Covert Contracts -- avoid Laid, Maid, & Trayed territory


GREENS

-- Stay Positive!!!!!
-- Seek Out High Energy states!!!

Angeline

So out of this list, pick 3 small steps from any area. A good way to feel some sense if accomplishment is pick from 3 different levels of difficulty, then you'll get a quick pick me up from knocking some things out right off the bat. 

Ssmples:

"Stay Positive"
Recognize when I am saying or doing something negative, and actively shake it off and say or think something positive instead. 

See how that's a measurable, precise step instead of a nebulous admonishment to "do better"?

AlphaVsBeta

Is your husband self-aware of his Narcissistic personality? Or are you aware and he's in denial? Your MAP progress will depend HUGELY on the difference, unfortunately...

AlphaVsBeta

Edit...Just read your triage and intro...No need to repeat yourself. You seem to be as aware as you can be to his particular brand of N-type personality. I guess the real question is are you ready to really rock the boat and see how far his self-love goes?

I'm not trying to be negative or fatalistic, I only bring this up because in my own dealings with the N-type in my life, after I did what needed to be done to protect myself and my extended family professionally and emotionally, I basically am satan and the root of all evil. so like it has been said, the stay plan is the same as the go plan.

I truly feel for you, being married to one...I know from personal experience that they can make you doubt your own sanity. It took me years to put boundaries around the crazy, and then to legally protect myself from it.

Husband3point0

Angeline said:

See how that's a measurable, precise step instead of a nebulous admonishment to "do better"?

MAP goals need to be SMART:
Specific
Measurable
Achievable
Relevant
Time-boxed

If they aren't specific, then you don't know what you're supposed to do (or avoid doing). 

If they're not measurable, then you can't ever say you succeeded (or failed). 

If they aren't achievable, then you fool yourself into believing that failure is inevitable, thus you destroy your will to try harder when you struggle. 

If they aren't relevant, then your goals aren't aligned with your priorities, which generally means you're wasting your time. 

And, if they aren't time-boxed or bound in any way, then there's this "it never ends" feeling, which destroys momentum. 


All MAP goals need to be SMART. 

edithkeeler

Husband3point0 said:

Angeline said:

See how that's a measurable, precise step instead of a nebulous admonishment to "do better"?

MAP goals need to be SMART:
Specific
Measurable
Achievable
Relevant
Time-boxed

If they aren't specific, then you don't know what you're supposed to do (or avoid doing). 

If they're not measurable, then you can't ever say you succeeded (or failed). 

If they aren't achievable, then you fool yourself into believing that failure is inevitable, thus you destroy your will to try harder when you struggle. 

If they aren't relevant, then your goals aren't aligned with your priorities, which generally means you're wasting your time. 

And, if they aren't time-boxed or bound in any way, then there's this "it never ends" feeling, which destroys momentum. 


All MAP goals need to be SMART. 

Great feedback, @Angeline and @Husband3point0 ! Thank you! Let me ponder this good stuff here and collect my thoughts and priorities and I will post a more granular MAP in the next couple of days. I am still unpacking from our move and I have a 10 month old baby so I am a but time-challenged. Excuses exschmooses! Stay tuned & thanks again!

HildaCorners

It's good to have both an overall MAP and focused goals — we sometimes call the weekly goals the Three Monkeys.

I update my MAP about once a year, or a few months after a major life change. This gives me a chance to see how much I've improved, and where my next problem areas are.

edithkeeler

Monkeys:

Being Un-Baitable
~ When H tries to bait me, I will resist taking the bait. I will take a deep breath, and pause. I will STFU and ignore. I will remember that it's not actually directed at me at all. (So far I have completely rocked this one against some tough moments over the weekend. I've got this.)

Truly Enjoying The Holidays
~ Make The Halloween Mood Awesome for All. We're going to create some awesome family memories tonight despite the chaos of my H's mental health situation. Kids' costumes, treat bags, and glow sticks are all on point and ready to go. I've asked around to find the best streets for trick or treating in case we need to change the plan quickly. Pumpkins are carved, and ready to light tonight. Home decor is spookified. 

Weight Loss
~ I've stopped eating sugar, and I'm drinking a ton of water. Lost 2 pounds in 8 days. This is the most important Monkey of all!

edithkeeler

Halloween was really sweet and fun. It means the world to my 3 kids. It was also Baby's first Halloween, which is always pretty special.

Y'all, I am so damn proud of myself for holding it together and not getting baited!!! My H increased the difficulty level on this challenge to about a 10 yesterday by randomly sending me a long, detailed, BSC email full of Things I Do That Are Wrong at 3pm on Halloween right before I picked up the kids from school -- ugh, who does that???!! Not going to respond to it. STFU works!!

 "Being Un-Baitable" will remain a cheeky little monkey of mine for the foreseeable future.

TwelveRubies

I give you so much credit for living with someone like that and not going up the wall. You just brush it off and keep on being awesome! 

edithkeeler

H challenged me again tonight by raising his voice to me in front of the kids, and I showed restraint and held a calm, cool frame!!! He backed off. I somehow did not take anything H said at all personally-- this may have been a first for me. Yay!

TwelveRubies

That's awesome! Did you verbally respond or just not engage?

edithkeeler

@TwelveRubies, thanks-- I responded very slowly and deliberately: Ground. Rule. Number. One.  H knows that Ground Rule #1 means "not in front of the kids." Boom!

Cowboy

edithkeeler said:

Halloween was really sweet and fun. It means the world to my 3 kids. It was also Baby's first Halloween, which is always pretty special.

Y'all, I am so damn proud of myself for holding it together and not getting baited!!! My H increased the difficulty level on this challenge to about a 10 yesterday by randomly sending me a long, detailed, BSC email full of Things I Do That Are Wrong at 3pm on Halloween right before I picked up the kids from school -- ugh, who does that???!! Not going to respond to it. STFU works!!

 "Being Un-Baitable" will remain a cheeky little monkey of mine for the foreseeable future.

Good for you. Nothing says "Your ugly remark is so absurd it is beneath me" than simply saying nothing.

edithkeeler

Monkeys:

Weight Loss -- Going super well! Having your spouse tell you they secretly moved out of your home is really inadvertently great for a girl's figure. Lol!

Being Un-Baitable -- I have gotten frickin' amazing at this. To wit: H says, after secretly moving out, "It will take me awhile to ever trust you again." Ha! After him sneaking around and paying for a new apartment and bed and not submitting job expense reimbursements: "You almost led us into financial ruin because you almost let our bank account get too low." And "You've been cruel to me for years." It's all just so absurd I can't even take an ounce of it personally. I bet it won't be a monkey at all by next week. My Oneitis has been insta-cured!

Divorce Strategy -- Keep meeting with everyone the lawyers recommend and keep going through if/then scenarios about whether or not to file in OldState vs New state. Then file strategically.