Lack of Interest (hers)

ABC123

Hi, I am a married man in my mid 20’s. My wife and I are both religious, but she is more so. We’ve been married for 2 years now.

My wife does not like sex. She is willing to have sex for “my benefit”, but even then she is not into it and gets no enjoyment from it. She has absolutely no interest in my doing anything for her benefit, and does not enjoy sex itself. I’ve tried many times to convince her to let me try oral on her or to try toys etc, but she’s disgusted by the idea. She will only do straight missionary position, and does not give blow jobs.

She has seen a therapist about this and her general anxiety for a couple of years, and we even tried to both go to her therapist for a while to discuss the situation.

I don’t know where to go from here. There are two main issues: 1) for me sex isn’t just about me. It’s for both of us. Not only is it a major turnoff that she has no interest in our sex life, but I want her to actively enjoy it!! 2) I don’t want to stick to missionary. I want variety (not in terms of other women) and I want oral sex. 

I am worried that this a problem that will cause us down the line to resent each other and could lead to divorce.

She wants to start trying to have children, and I keep holding off because if I think this could end because of the sex issue I don’t want to drag kids into it. 

There are other issues going on beyond sex, but they aren’t as important in comparison.

Not sure what I’m looking for here, but any suggestions, advice, etc would be welcome.

Thank you for your help.

never_again

A triage would be very helpful: http://marriedmansexlife.com/triage-your-relationship-and-the-911-er-category/

You're smart to hold off on kids for the time being.  You're young enough that you could start over with someone more compatible (not saying to leave her but stating the truth).

I'm guessing by the religious statement that you were both virgins when you married.  Kudo's for that but it's also like playing the lottery to find a compatible sex partner, or at least someone who is willing to try and learn.

Speculation only, but really dig into the religious influence plus any past sexual abuse issues when you do your triage.

ABC123

We are both mid 20's, but my wife is a year and a half older than I am.

We got married around 2 years ago. We were together a year and a half before we got married. No children.

We are both attractive but not super model level hot. I'm 5"7 she's 5"4. I'm 175, she's 110.

We're both physically healthy. She has anxiety and is on birth control. She has been in therapy for a couple of years. Her doctors have said that there is nothing physically wrong with her, but she does have some pain when having sex. Her therapist says it may in large part be a phsycological issue, but my wife doesn't seem to be able to get past it or identify it. There is no history of abuse.

She feels this is the way she is and that I should accept that things will always be this way. I've tried suggesting that there are alternatives - we can see sex specific therapists/doctors etc, but she is resistant to this.

We both have decent jobs and have no debt other than our mortgage, which is in good standing. We have a car and live in a condo. We have no large issues other than the sex one. 

There is no physical or emotional abuse and neither of us have done anything bad to the other. No cheating etc. She does work a lot outside of the office, which is frustrating, but understandable given her career choice (teacher)

I highly doubt that there are outside sex sources given both the nature of the issue and the religious aspect. I know that doesn't always mean as much to some people, but knowing her and her family I just can't see it. Also, there are no long unexplained absences etc.

The sex was bad from the beginning - as soon as we got married. There was never a time when we had good sex or she enjoyed it. We were both virgins prior, and had fooled around for a bit before, but nothing major. I had no idea that she had issues with sex beforehand, though it seems like she might have had an inkling before. In past relationships after a while when things got physical it would fizzle out for her.

There is no elephant in the room that I can think of. This is the big issue we're having now. That and that she wants children like yesterday.

In most things I'm the leader. When it comes to sex because she's uncomfortable, she is the leader.

Our marriage is fine on the surface and we both love each other and enjoy time together. Neither of us are big talkers, but the sex thing is the elephant in the room. Occasionally we'll get into a spat about it, often when I suggest other ideas of what we can do, or get handsy a bit too often. (She allows me to be handsy a bit, but it makes her uncomfortable.)

Timbo

The sex was bad from the beginning - as soon as we got married. There was never a time when we had good sex or she enjoyed it.

Oh dear... not a good start. Exactly how religious is she? and what are her beliefs around sex? I have heard of women in particular getting over religious based sex aversions and actually enjoying sex but she has to want to do that.

Have you read any of Athol's books yet? If not perhaps you should, then start MAPing and put yourself in a better position to ask that she gets some therapy to get over it.

Agree with previous comments whatever you do don't have kids yet until you know if you want to stay married.

never_again

You definitely need to read the Primer.  Also No More Mr. Nice Guy.  

How beta are you?  It might take some reading to determine that, but given the way her prior relationships fizzled, you might be the beta guy she settled on because she believed you were too "nice" to push her on the sex thing.

At 5'7", 175 you're a bit flabby.  You need to start working out and developing some muscle.  At the very least it will help you deal with the lack of sex in the short-term.  OTOH, she might develop some attraction and start to thaw on her own.  It will also help put you in a more Alpha frame of mind.

Don't stop with the handsy stuff.  Around here we call them "drive-by's".  Own them.  They're a normal male expression of desire for a woman.  They're also important for building responsive desire, which is probably why she pushes back.  She might be confused about her own sexuality and drive-by's amp it up.  If she stops you she doesn't have to deal with the feelings about it.

Have you talked with a religious leader about this as a couple?  Maybe she needs to hear it from someone she respects that sex is a normal, essential (and fun) part of marriage.  I suspect there is some sort of religious guilt going on, like being sexual is sinful or something. 

Mongrel

Take steps to make sure she doesn't 'accidentally' get pregnant while you work on what to do.

Key question to keep in the back of your mind:  If you are already unhappy with the sex life you have are you willing to spend the next 18+ years living the same way? Once you have a kid the necessity of staying with her will be tremendously important.

_io

"There are other issues going on beyond sex, but they aren’t as important in comparison."

That's probably not true. The sex may seem the most important to you, but it is almost always a symptom of something else. Fill out the triage. We may be able to see something you are too close to the situation to see yourself.

mrsthing

When my husband and I got together, I was dealing with issues from sex abuse as a kid.  As someone mentioned here, I felt my husband would not push me on sex and that was big for me.  I won't say I settled, b/c I was totally in love with my H, but that was a big thing for me.

At some point I healed from my issues and did a 180.  I'm extremely high drive even though I'm not 100% attracted to my H right now.

Whatever your wife is dealing with, she can change.  I did.  When I met my H I liked sex but I was extremely guilty and conflicted.  Of course you have to lead and help facilitate the conditions to help her change.  My H did this with sex, he got me into therapy and worked with me on our own too.

OneEyedDrunk

I agree with some of the other posters. Here are a few things I would recommend: 

1. Really think about how your appearance is compared to your wife (I.e. Sex rank). Would you say you are even? It sounds like she may be higher than you which could lead to why she is not interested in having much sex with you. Also something to consider is the way you may be dressing may cause her lack of interest as well. 

2. Talk to your religious leader to see if you can get help. I'm not sure what religion you are, but it sounds like possibly a Latter Day Saint. Is this correct? If so I can likely provide a great deal of help. 

3. Get a copy of the primer. Learn the strategies given, and apply them to your life. Many church members do not typically come off very alpha. It's hard to do as we are taught to be very polite, caring, and friendly. A good healthy mix of alpha and beta can really help with her attraction. 

4. Never argue about sex. Learn the strategies in the Primer of being outcome independent. This will help you tremendously. Be playful. Tease her. Chase her when you are walking to bed. Snap her bra. Grab her butt. Let me tell you about my marriage. My wife was a religious prude. I brought her out of it. There is not a time she will walk by me now without smacking my butt. It was never that way. I followed the strategies in the Primer to make that happen. 

HildaCorners

Welcome!

One more question ... has your wife ever had an orgasm? Does she masturbate? Has she ever shown any sign of getting physical pleasure from any sexual activities?

If so, you will need to run a MAP to become someone she wants to have sex with.

If she's never had any sexual feelings, none at all, there may be a psychological or physical issue. You need to MAP to develop the authority to get her to a doctor/doctors to see if there's a medical problem.

Jen_Kay

ABC123 said:

There are other issues going on beyond sex, but they aren’t as important in comparison.

Let me reiterate the need for a Triage . Click on the link and type your answers into your thread (you may have to break it up into different comments due to length restrictions).

VERY often, the problems that exist with sex are caused by or at least massively affected by those "other issues going on beyond sex". It's hard to give good advice without knowing what those issues are.

Lothbrok

I am guessing she us on medication for her anxiety?  Sounds to me she may also be on anti depressants based on your descriptions.  The two tend to go together.  

I regards to painful sex I would assume you have tried lube.  you may want to give coconut oil a try.  putting a pillow under her butt can change the angle, that's what works best for my wife.   i would work on foreplay and try to get her turned on as much as possible.   Focus on making sex a positive experience that is more about you connecting with her than just physical pleasure. 

The key is to figure out why she has a mental block on enjoying sex.  sometimes it can be hard to get over a bad first impression so start there.  anything unusual happen on your wedding night? You will need to stop having conversations about sex with her.  you are not going to be able to convince her to want to have sex with you.  any conversation about her lack of attraction is a waist of time.

I second the comments on not having kids until this is resolved.  having kids with only compound the issues your currently having.  have you given her a reason why you are stalling?  Don't tell her it's about lack of sex!  

Good news is your are in the right place.  I was in the same boat as you a few years ago and was able to turn things around.  

telyni

HildaCorners said:

One more question ... has your wife ever had an orgasm? Does she masturbate? Has she ever shown any sign of getting physical pleasure from any sexual activities?

If so, you will need to run a MAP to become someone she wants to have sex with.

If she's never had any sexual feelings, none at all, there may be a psychological or physical issue. You need to MAP to develop the authority to get her to a doctor/doctors to see if there's a medical problem.

This could be a huge factor. Five to seven years ago, I could have been your wife, in the sense that I'd never had an O and didn't really get turned on. I can totally identify with where she's at based on your description. You might find it interesting to read through my triage thread if you have the time. I didn't have a medical problem, but it wasn't until this year that I learned to O on my own (my husband wasn't any help). Now my drive seems to be higher than my husband's. But it's going to be harder for you since you're the one here looking for help, not her.