Parents of older kids - finding the time

HappyTrail

Would like to hear some ideas. Here's the situation: You're a morning person by nature who's exhausted by 9pm and have zero energy or interest in anything but sleep. Your kids (teens, whatever) can stay up later than you so even if you muster up enough energy for sexy time, kids are still on the other side of the wall (which is a huge hang up for wife). When/how do you find time? One child does online school from home, so daytime play isn't really an option either. I know without a doubt she really is tired and goes straight to sleep - not just a lame excuse.

Angeline

Use @Serenity's rule, that all kids, no matter their ages, must be in their rooms by X time, or put up with the consequences if seeing patents get handsy and smoochy.

Any kids making retching noises get a firm bump back on how much their lives would suck if mom and dad split up, and love and sex and romance is required for that. No time like yesterday to NOT pass on the prudishness to another generation.

Bump back at wife for same reason with same explanation. "Do you want our children to have happy marriages? Do you want our grandchildren to grow up in stable homes? Then we are not going to pretend we are asexual robots." 

CartB4Horse

My wife will 'protest' that DD might walk in the room while I'm molesting her (wife).  I tell her that DD will know that we love each other... And I continue to feel her up until she playfully pushes me away.

HappyTrail

Makes sense @Angeline. This is a huge deal to W (even though I could care less) - Its a life long mental road block. Help me reconcile saying that to W as compared to OI/STFU/Be happy-and-go-do-something-else. Seems contradictory - what am I missing?

Our kids do well with going to bed at a good time (far earlier than most teens), but this doesn't fix the problem. The problem is that W is yawning by 7, very tired by 8, and dead to the world by 9. That leaves me with a very low probability of a positive reaction to an initiation despite being awesome, playing all day and giving something to look forward to. Kids or no kids, if there's nothing left in the tank at the end of the day, then what? Maybe I should rephrase my question and ask what time most parents have sex, with an emphasis on morning-people.

Kickboxer

I face a similar set of circumstances. 

Kids in bed at 8pm. Sexy time starts right then or it doesn't. We've generally moved to the floor to minimize noise pollution. Door locked. 

I get up at 5am to workout, not to have sex. 

HappyTrail

@Kickboxer Your W is generally awake and alert at that time I presume? My problem is that mine is not. 8-9 is normally family time for us. Its the only time of the day we can all spend a little time together in between homework/activities/chores/sports and bedtime. By then wife is literally nodding off and falling asleep. Sometimes she doesn't make it to 9 and just goes to bed. We have 3 teens - I cant possibly insist that they go to bed at 7:30 or 8. Just not sure what the answer is.

Roses

Not a morning person, but it seems to me that the obvious thing for you would be morning before kids are up. So why not then? Does your door lock?

Howard

Do you guys ever smooch in the morning? Whether or not you end up having sex, isn't that a time when you're undisturbed?

Other than that, given that lovemaking comes easier when intimacy is there, can you guys find some private time in other ways, like take a walk, send the kids on a sleepover...?

Even people who generally go to bed early can manage a late evening when they're having fun. Maybe something a litle different- like a private movie session (I don;t mean porn!!) or breakfast/supper in bed could get your wife stimulated so she's not follwoing her usual pattern of just crashing out. Break / vary the routine?

Was your wife always this tired? Are there any factors which are simply knocking her out which you could tackle?

SharkGuy

We're morning people. Kids are normally awake between 5:30-6:30. So for sexy time to happen we need to be awake before then.

Just be prepared to be unadventurous in case of very early wake ups. If it can't happen under covers...

HildaCorners

I don't remember ... is your wife sleeping more than average? A lot more?

I wake at 6:00 (out of bed 5 minutes later), and get my teen son up at 6:30 ... we both have to be out of the house at 7:00. I try to fall asleep by 11:00, don't always make it but am asleep by midnight. My 6-7 hours of sleep is a bit less than average ... I'd be falling asleep at 10:00 to get 8 hours.

If Mrs Trail was getting 8 hours, when would she be falling asleep? If she's currently sleeping 10 or more hours, she should check with a doctor to see if there's a medical reason.

I trust you are taking advantage of any time when the kids are with friends, at sleepovers, traveling, etc. Or at extracurriculars ... if you and your wife have an impulsive streak, you could find a quiet corner of the rec center where the kids have ping-pong practice for a little pinging of your own.

CartB4Horse

We're in the same boat, two teens, one 17 and one almost 16.  DD seems to stay up all night, wifey can't stay up later than 9 pm.

I do notice a 'jump' in my wife's willingness depending on how attracted she is as well as where she is in her cycle.

Still a work in progress.

Avalinette

When my siblings and I were teens (and right through to our early 20s when we still lived at home) my parents door was always closed in the mornings (with a knock and wait to be invited in or told to go away policy for kids). They did lots of legitimate showering, getting dressed, reading Bible and praying and journalling stuff in that time and as a kid/teen/young adult I never questioned what else they might have been doing (it was probably something like an hour every morning). In hindsight, I suspect that was their solution to your problem @happytrail. Given that they were showering and getting dressed anyway, I wasn't even suspicious as a teen when the answer to my knock was frequently something like 'Come back in ten minutes, Dad is getting dressed'. So, something like that might work for you?  

HappyTrail

@Roses and @Howard  I leave at 5am. Neither of us can wake at 4am and still be functional humans the rest of the day (she'd have to go to bed by 7pm then!). Yes, there is a lock. No, we don't smooch - she doesn't like kissing and never really has. Pecks are the limit. We get 2-3 hours without kids most Friday nights, otherwise someone is home 24/7. We use that time to get out of the house and go do something fun without kids (which is also important).

@HildaCorners She gets up between 5:30-6 (kids up at 6) so that's 8 1/2-9 hrs. She has always needed more sleep than the average - no change there. See above about the only time all 3 are away at the same time. They seldom go do things with friends and never all at the same time. They are very much home bodies.

@CartB4Horse So kids are up and wife is in bed by 9. So when do you do it? 

HappyTrail

Avalinette said:

When my siblings and I were teens (and right through to our early 20s when we still lived at home) my parents door was always closed in the mornings (with a knock and wait to be invited in or told to go away policy for kids). They did lots of legitimate showering, getting dressed, reading Bible and praying and journalling stuff in that time and as a kid/teen/young adult I never questioned what else they might have been doing (it was probably something like an hour every morning). In hindsight, I suspect that was their solution to your problem @happytrail. Given that they were showering and getting dressed anyway, I wasn't even suspicious as a teen when the answer to my knock was frequently something like 'Come back in ten minutes, Dad is getting dressed'. So, something like that might work for you?  

That sounds like a nice solution indeed, however I'm up and gone by 5. As I mentioned above, we just cant possibly be up at 4 and still function all day. I'll keep it in mind  though, thank you

Angeline

"How can I change nothing and get different results?"

Ditch *some* of the kid activities. Cut *some* of the family time (you and your wife, as the source of the family, deserve some time too). A few short, terse statements to the wife or the kids does not negate the advice to not be morose, to not whine, to STFU and not orbit.

And you know this. You are a smart man, why do you go to such black and white, worst case thinking when someone suggests an idea for your question?

Of course you can't get up at 4 and go to bed at 9 AND have couple time AND meet the exact same level of family/sports/ chores/activities AND have a private, satisfying sex life. Something has to give a little.

Scarlet

What's the deal with your schedule?  Why so early?

HappyTrail

@Angeline I don't see it as worse case thinking at all. It's called searching for ideas that might work for me. Some won't, some might. The more perspective i give the better the chance I find ideas I can use in my life. My replies answered direct questions. If they were rhetorical, then my bad. If I don't answer questions asked and provide more details the thread dies quickly with minimal input. Which does me little good. I hope that better explains my thought process. 

HappyTrail

Scarlet said:

What's the deal with your schedule?  Why so early?

It's the only time I can go to the gym. I've tried many times to find alternatives but it never works with any consistency

Scarlet

I'm totally sympathetic to that.  I wonder, however, if part of the overall problem is that your wife does not feel connected to you.  

HappyTrail

Scarlet said:

I'm totally sympathetic to that.  I wonder, however, if part of the overall problem is that your wife does not feel connected to you.  

If so then what? It isn't like she's faking sleep to avoid sex. 

HildaCorners

You go to the gym every morning?

It may be worth skipping 1-2 mornings a week at the gym and substituting naked partner exercise.