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Our washer and dryer are in the kitchen so I always wait until right before sexy time to start a load of wash and/or run the dryer. That way there's plenty of noise to drown out any other noises.
If sexy time is going to happen early, either right before or right after dinner, my husband says to the kids "I'm going to change my clothes". I follow him into our room, sometimes the kids don't notice or say anything, but if they do or if they try to follow us in there one of us will say "I'm going to hang out with mom/dad for a little bit. We'll be out in a bit". My husband does put on athletic shorts and t-shirt after, so there is evidence that he really was changing clothes.
If the sex is going to happen closer to my bedtime (after H has already changed into comfy clothes), then instead of saying he's going to change he simply tells our boys "I'm going to hang out with mom for a little while before she goes to sleep".
Keep in mind, whether it's 7:00pm or 9:00pm, our boys are most likely talking to each other, watching tv or listening to music, so the house isn't dead silent. Whatever noise they're making, plus the washer and dryer going, plus playing music in our room while we're "changing/hanging out", the kids aren't going to hear anything.
Most importantly, I wholeheartedly agree with Angeline's first comment in this thread. It is important for the teens to know that sex is a VITAL part of a healthy happy marriage. The kids may be creeped out, but better that than with divorced or miserable parents.
On weekends we have sex twice a day. We simply tell the kids "we are going to take a nap". We've done this ever since the kids were young. Start the washer and dryer , put on tv in living room, and have our "nap" without fear of the kids hearing us.
We are proof that it is possible with lots of kids, very small house, and very different sleep schedules ! Hope that helps!
Set you back about £500. Save you on commute time without costing you workout time.
Triage: http://marriedmansexlife.vanillacommunities.com/discussion/14653/all-lost-at-sea-my-triage#latest
"But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love." - Bill Hicks
One thing that works well for us, admittedly with much younger children, is that at the weekends tend to structure themselves so that we go out and do stuff in the morning but by about 2 or 3 we're back and everybody is ready for a bit of chill out time. Wifey and I go and have a bit of a "lie down" with the bedroom door locked and the kids generally chill and do their own thing for a bit.
TBH even if we don't go and do the nasty, it's nice to have a bit of time to lie down for an hour or two, read a book and have a bit of a nap.
Maybe part of it is to just get in the routine of having some point in the day when you've done all the family quality time that you can be reasonably expected to do and the two of you just go and chill for a bit. Even just lying down and talking for a bit without the kids interrupting is kind of nice.
"But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love." - Bill Hicks
A. Buy a house with bedrooms on the oppose end of the house.
B. Don't make parents lovemaking a taboo to the kids.
We crunch dinner, sex/couple time, and an hour of unwind time all between 7 & 9 so we can go to bed at 9:30. The schedule often gets derailed, but the goal helps us make the routine with kids more efficient. Our evening adult time is sacred.
obviously, the routine is thrown off on nights there are home games, concerts, swimming lessons, etc.
Example: My wife has started getting up at 5:30am three mornings a week to work out or do yoga. Going to bed at 11pm (our typical bedtime) was impacting sex because my wife (who works full time as well), was just too tired. So, I told her that we will go to bed earlier on 'work out nights.' Sex is a priority for us and so we change our actions to make it happen.
@HildaCorners Right now that's looking like the most probably possibility, presuming I can work around the hurdle of getting her to be able to get up an hour early and not need to go to bed at 8 instead of 9.
@tulip Wow, that raises a zillion questions in my mind as to how you pull that off. I've never had sex 7 days in a row ever let alone having the time to do that consistently. Good for you! Our house is 2100SF (4200 if you include the basement). Bedrooms all on one end, laundry on the opposite end. How do you have so much free time between supper and bedtime? No chores, laundry, yardwork, PTA meetings, soccer practices, dance lessons, exercise, yada yada yada?
@Sharkguy I need classes, a treadmill, and gym rats to keep me accountable. The gym is 8min away. Showers, towels, hot tub/pool, coffee, etc all included. My rate is super low because my wife is on the payroll. I probably make money on it by not using my own hot water and coffee everyday let alone investing in equipment. Its also my primary social outlet since I work alone from home. Lastly, working out while trying to be silent (everyone is asleep) doesn't really work.
@Adam_S That does sound nice! Its a pretty lofty goal but its something to shoot for. We are just a very busy family. There is always something going on or more tasks to get done. Its not just me, its all of us. I can count on a couple of fingers how many times I've taken a nap in the last decade and its only been while I'm sick. We talk about how to slow down all the time. Even learning to say no and paring down to what seems like the minimum, we're still that busy. I just don't know how to get to a place like that and not have other things suffer along the way.
Take today as an example. I'm up at 5, go to gym, home by 7 to take kids to bus stop, go to work till 5, warm up dinner for whoever is home. She's up at 6, makes sure kids are up, starts making tonight's supper so it can be reheated in waves later. She goes to work 8:30-10:30, gets some groceries, comes home and does some overdue housework, her and son go the physical therapy. She teaches classes again late-afternoon till 8pm, drives home and showers. I have a scheduled event to attend with my parents from 6:30 till about 8:30. In the meantime my oldest son carts younger brother somewhere he needs to be along with all them doing homework and chores. By the time we all meet up its after 8:30, we try to spend a few minutes catching up with the kids, then wife is a zombie. While each day does vary some, its a pretty good representation and there really isn't anything abnormal in here we can omit. It seems to still boil down to her need for 8.5-9 hours sleep being the leading factor in all this.
@Beatrice Yeah, I get that. And I've come a long ways on it. I feel ready to state expectations and put the ball in her court. Her external perfection needs are just not acceptable. I can't take her on overnight trips 2-3 times a week, yet this is when she responds and will have sex.
For starters it seems like the best options are for one early morning or daytime (a day she has less classes to teach which I could schedule around) and one weekend romp. I know there will be push back and every excuse given. I need to be prepared to not only respond appropriately but also state expectations and demand change of the status quo. It's been 10 days since our little trip - no sex, momentum lost. She's been sick the past 4 days (fever, sore throat, runny nose). When she starts feeling better and is more apt to respond I will push forward.
Going back to my previous question: how / where do you & wife find/create intimacy, closeness? Do you consider yourself & your wife to be affectionate? Is that expressed in physical (non-sexual) closeness, like snuggling together in bed, holding hands when walking and so on ?
Maybe this is not about sleep or the kids....maybe you can pull right back and find a "long lens" to look at yourself and your marriage. Sex or the lack of it is just one expression of whatever has been created over time.
Oh and regarding the gym: a lot of hormone-wise fitness gurus (Chris Walker, Ali Kuoppala for instance) don't recommend working out more than 2-3 times a week. Walking, short sprints or some bodyweight exercises are fine to do daily though and take only 20-30 minutes.
"Do more of what you love."
If I recall she was identified as being high-stim, and I see nothing high-stim in her typical day. Your weekend/overnights don't just get her out of the house/away from the kids, but they also significantly change your schedule and your wife finally has time to unwind, not just move from to-do item to to-do item ad nauseam.
What does lunch look like for you? Do you have lunch together? A quick bite and back to work? Can you work a decent lunch date into the schedule 2-3 times a week?
That being said, your options sound just right to me. Good luck.
And she only works part-time, many (most?) women work full time jobs. 2-3 days a week she does get a couple free hours during the day. She'll read, take a nap, take a walk with a friend, catch up on emails, etc. She also occasionally switches classes to get a day off and go on a shopping trip with her mom. For the whole summer she only has a couple classes - she's essentially free for 3 months. We go somewhere/do something most Fri nights and at least 1 family fun thing on the weekend. Her job is also part of her stim. She likes doing it and most of her friend network is there. They talk, laugh, celebrate each others birthdays, etc. In the big scheme of things she has it pretty good. (A whole lot more unwind time than me).
Quick bite and back to work. My schedule is irregular. Going out is difficult as her diet is complicated given her medical issue. Our son who does online school always eats with her/us. Once in a while we do sneak in a lunch or an afternoon walk but generally we're coming/going throughout the day.
It it boils down to, sex is top priority in our marriage. For H it's a priority because he is extremely high-drive. For me it is a priority because I 1. Like the closeness it brings. It really does change the way we relate to each other during our very busy days apart. There is frequent texting/sexting during the day involving comments about last night's fun, looking forward to tonight. 2. My husband is such a fun, funny, hardworking wonderful guy that I want him to enjoy the frequent sex he craves. 3. I've changed my mindset from sex being 'one more thing on my to-do list, to something I "GET to do at the end of a long busy stressful day".
Also keep in mind our weeknight sexy time is not long drawn out sessions! We have perfected the art of the quickie.
I have to constantly fight against my natural urge to have the house perfect at all times, to switch off mom and housework mode and switch to woman/wife mode. If I waited until after dinner, kitchen clean-up, housework, etc was 100% done I know that I would not be up for sex either. Like your wife, I also collapse in bed at the end of the day. Gotta squeeze in the sex earlier, not wait for it to be the last thing of the day. Hubby stays up later than I do, so even if I go to sleep immediately after sex, he gets up and does work, eats a snack, watches tv with the kids , etc.
I had a very physical job in the past with a split like that (3 hours in morning, then 3 hours in evening) and I found it to be really exhausting. Far more exhausting than when I worked a straight through 12 hr shift. Psyching yourself up for work takes the same amount of energy regardless of the length of the shift. Having to do it twice a day is grueling even if it is a low stress job.
When you have home, kids, and several hours of fitness classes per day, nine hours of sleep isn't odd at all.
Eta, just read the previous post. I agree with Fredless that neither of you is prioritizing sex life or quality time with each other. Seems neither of you is willing to sacrifice the personal schedule and take the first step to come closer together.
Can they get themselves up, or do so with a minimum of parent involvement?
Can they get themselves to school without your help?
Do they need homework supervision?
How about transport to activities? Do you and your wife run a taxi service?
I just have one just turned 16. I let him know when to get out of bed (verbal only), we leave the house at the same time in opposite directions, I ask once per day if he has homework, no more. One of his activities is a 20 minute drive away, but I enjoy hanging out at that one (interesting other people to talk to, plus live music); his other is walking distance.
He does some cooking and daily chores; we're both working on getting him to do more.
I don't have a partner right now, but could find plenty of time to squeeze in daily sex.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
@tulip Let me give you my wifes contact info.......Sounds like I'm reading a dream. I didn't know the life you describe is actually possible. Really. You got it going on! Btw, quickies are not her thing. Her brand is long slow work up. 30-45min minimum, usually an hour per session.
@HowlAtTheMoon Yes, at least 2-3 days she does (varies). Fitness classes need to be held at the times of day the members need them. And its not possible to do 3,4,5 classes in a row - hard enough doing 2.
@HildaCorners We do all of that. Kids help with all sorts of chores. They are mostly self sufficient with just a little guiding to stay on course (mostly the youngest one). They each take turns with dishes, vacuuming, put away their own laundry, get themselves ready, etc. We do have a fair amount of taxi servicing for the younger two, especially during soccer season. Living in the country with no teammates on our side of town, that's just the way it is. Grandma helps sometimes.
I need to implement that at home, shut the door every night. Easy to lock said door if sexy time is happening, and our kids would knock before entering anyways.
Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol. Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl
My wife is a stay at home mom. This was our schedule until my Son went off to college:
I get up 6:30-7:00 AM, out the door by 7:25 AM
Wife is up by 9:00 AM, helps kids with school (they do on-line school) if they need it, takes care of tasks around the house, etc.
Most night's I walk in the door by 5:45 PM and dinner is ready. We eat together and clean-up together unless there is a conflicting item on the schedule.
We are generally occupied with Kids activities, etc. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Sunday until 9:00 PM. One weekend a month Son and I were gone Friday-Sunday.
If my wife were out cold by 9:00 PM we'd have very limited time for sex each week.
90% of our sex at home happens after 9:00 PM. The other 10% is weekend morning sex.
Generally we are in bed by 11:30 each night and asleep by 12:00. I do great on 6 1/2-7 hours of sleep with sleeping in most weekends. She gets her 9 hours in each night by sleeping until 9:00 AM.
Our weekends vary, but generally allow some family time and fun time.
My friend, him and his wife both work. However they work similar schedules. So they are both up around 6:30 AM and get the kids out the door to school and then they are both home by 5:30-6:00 ish and then they make dinner, clean-up, etc. and are usually done by 7:30 ish. They have evening stuff but not as busy a me, so they are usually only out 2 nights a week. She goes to bed about 9:00-10:00, and he's usually up until about 11:00 unless he goes to bed with her at 10:00. They do most of their routine household chores on the weekends, leaving their evenings open.
You're wife being out until 8:00 PM most nights and then zombie/bed by 9:00 is probably the biggest issue in your schedule. Neither me nor my friend would be having much sex if our wives were out of the house until 8:00 PM and then immediately into bedtime mode.
I'd take a look at the morning routine. Is there any way your wife can get 1-2 hours extra sleep? Can you plan/prep meals on the weekends, and then just through them in the crockpot in the morning? Are the kids old enough to get themselves out the door in the morning?
I think you could see bug dividends if you could find a way to extend her bedtime until 10:00 pm.....if she could get the extra sleep back in the mornings.