Parents of older kids - finding the time

42andatowel

Husband3point0 said:

Talking about bedtime logistics is a red herring. You need to be laser focused on figuring out every single one of your remaining major issues and then eliminating them one by one. And, I can guarantee you that her going to bed purposely early in order to have sex with you (which is what's going on) is WAY down on the list in order of importance. She's doing that because of smother major issue. Your wife is actively engaging in a systematic method of sex avoidance with you. Trying to out-fox her into bed with you by stymying her methods is just going to piss her off. She will be subconsciously pissed off at you thinking "dammit how'd he defeat my defenses?!?!" And, you will get the most pathetic empty obligation-based guilt-ridden shitty sex possible. If that's your objective, then you're on the right path. 

I'm going to disagree a little here.  I do think that solving the scheduling/logistics is not going to magically solve the problem.  I also think that increasing attractiveness will fix this eventually.  I think he's made great strides in recent months with being more positive, fun, flirty, etc. 

I do think his wife is attracted to him because of the porn-star sex had on the weekend away, and her apparent green light for this weekend.  Maybe she just isn't attracted ENOUGH to overcome all the logistics and her issues with having sex while the kids are in the house.

I do think he's on the right track despite his seeming focus on the logistical issues:

HappyTrail said:

In light of the momentum of the last couple weeks, I'd say she IS becoming more attracted. I venture the guess that she is now testing to see if this all sticks or if I fall back to old patterns. She is giving in a little but is not all-in yet. She was interested in hot sex while away alone. Back at home she has been engaged and willingly gave a couple hand jobs but not quite ready to elevate to sex in the house with kids home. But each step is momentum. I predict that if I stay the course she will start opening up (pun intended!) more week by week. The next couple/few weeks will be tell-tale. What do you think of that analysis?

He just may need to schedule some more of these quick weekends/nights away to keep the sexual momentum going until she is attracted enough to overcome whatever her aversion is to sex with the kids in the house.

Angeline

Which means fix the schedule, not treat it as an immovable object.

It's been said before, if the farm animals, the country living far away from jobs and entertainment, the many far away kid activities, are too important to shed, then so be it. That's what you choose.

HappyTrail

Angeline said:

Which means fix the schedule, not treat it as an immovable object.

It's been said before, if the farm animals, the country living far away from jobs and entertainment, the many far away kid activities, are too important to shed, then so be it. That's what you choose.

It baffles me how fixated you are on where I live - you bring this up repeatedly. I'm 2 min from a major highway, 4 minutes from a WalMart and 6 minutes to the largest mall and retail area on our half of the state. I work from home, wife works 5min away. With due respect, you completely mischaracterized this again.

Ya know what folks, thanks everyone, but I think this thread has run its course and is taking a turn to nowhere. I just had another awesome day with the family. Wife is now the one coming over to me and taking my hand, touching, sitting close. I've seen more momentum lately than in a long time yet most of what I hear here is how shitty I am at all this.

Angeline

Sorry I assumed from the comment about faraway kid activities and the farm stuff that you live far from everything.

HildaCorners

You can live in the middle of New York City and still live "far" from everything, if you spend too much time in transit/escorting kids places/traveling to shopping, etc. It's not the miles, but the amount of time you spend traveling instead of doing other things.

You mentioned your teen kids can't get themselves to school, that you or Mrs Trail must drive them to activities, that a large part of your non-working hours is spend being a kid taxi service. Therefore, you do live too far away from what matters in your life.

[My son had a Scout merit badge class this morning. He was able to walk to the class and back home. This afternoon he has a senior Scout meeting ... we'll walk together to it, because I need to run a couple of errands in that part of town. At 16, his schedule does not dictate mine any more.]

HappyTrail

5-10 minute drive time to almost everything we need on a regular basis is too much? (scratching my head) Less than 5% of students in our area walk to school. This is a pretty affluent area and one of the fastest growing and most desired school districts in this half of the state. We're not exactly the lone rangers. Our kids are in different schools (HS and Middle School) which are over 3 miles apart. Even if we lived close enough to walk to one you'll never walk to both. That's life in the suburbs/outskirts. It's how millions of Americans live.

Winter

For what it's worth I don't think the schedule and the kids activities have much to do with it at all. We have four very active kids including two teens and a tween and still manage to have sexual on a very regular basis. Like others said, if it's important it becomes a priority.

Don't get caught up in the logistics when the desire is the actual problem. 

It's just not important to her. 

Eta - That being said it does sound like she has serious issues surrounding having sex at home/when kids are home.  That could be hampering her desire, considering she seems all for it on vacation.  It sounds like you both basically get along but for some reason she can't get into sexy wife mode in the home environment. 

Husband3point0

I concur with @Winter. 

She seems like the prototypical "stuck in mom mode, cannot switch to sexy wife mode" woman IMHO. 

MrGrimm

HappyTrail said:

5-10 minute drive time to almost everything we need on a regular basis is too much? (scratching my head) Less than 5% of students in our area walk to school. This is a pretty affluent area and one of the fastest growing and most desired school districts in this half of the state. We're not exactly the lone rangers. Our kids are in different schools (HS and Middle School) which are over 3 miles apart. Even if we lived close enough to walk to one you'll never walk to both. That's life in the suburbs/outskirts. It's how millions of Americans live.

Don't they have buses for the schools the kids can use?  I just went back through this thread, and you said your kids are all teenagers.  It appears your wife goes to work at 8:30 at the earliest correct?  So why is she getting up at 6:00?  Is it just to make sure the kids get up for school? At that age they should be able to handle getting themselves ready. 

Unless I'm missing something, is there a reason she couldn't shift to a 10-7 sleep schedule to be more accommodating for sexy time at night.

HappyTrail

@MrGrimm Two take the bus, the other does online school. The issue is that her internal clock gets her up by or before 6 regardless of what time she goes to bed (weekends too). If she doesn't get to sleep by 9 or 9:30 she's a zombie later in the day. A couple days of this and she comes down sick. Just like clockwork-been this way for years. Also, she is the lightest sleeper in the world. Toilets flushing, faucets running, hallway walking all wake her up. Even if she could adapt to a later bed time, we still have the hurdle of the head-game (opposition to sex while kids rooms are next door and directly below). Her brand is fast/hard yet highly private - a challenging combination. 

Lately she's been making an effort and we've been finding other times of the day. We'll see if it lasts.

Louise

HappyTrail said:

Would like to hear some ideas. Here's the situation: You're a morning person by nature who's exhausted by 9pm and have zero energy or interest in anything but sleep. Your kids (teens, whatever) can stay up later than you so even if you muster up enough energy for sexy time, kids are still on the other side of the wall (which is a huge hang up for wife). When/how do you find time? One child does online school from home, so daytime play isn't really an option either. I know without a doubt she really is tired and goes straight to sleep - not just a lame excuse.

I'm always too tired for sex at night these days.  we normally do it in the morning, no.2 son's room is next to ours but if he's in he's usually listening to horrible loud music anyway so won't hear us.  And most days he has to be out quite early anyway, either for work or college.  my husband isn't really a morning person but when it comes to sex he isn't fussy, any time of day is good for him.