Not sure how to handle this ...

monkeydog

Initiated Wednesday night -- she was green earlier, but moved to yellow red by the time I went for it. Got a hard no, was OI. But she was actually pissed that I tried something. Shut down totally for the night. I stayed light, kissed her good night, she said something shitty, so I slapped her ass and told her to play nice.

Next night, we don't see each other until late. Seems OK, but is pretty cold upon greeting -- very tight lipped, no hug.

Later,  I am doing stretches in bed and she comes back and asks if its "safe" for her get in bed beside me, then leaves the room. I get up and shout "get back here woman" and swat her ass a few times as she runs off. All in good fun.

Couple other flirty comments. All seems OK.

Anyway, later she gets in bed, by this time I am ready for sleep, not really interested in anything. She starts talking about sex and all these "new rules" like kissing hello and goodbye (not a new rule), and changing the rules on sex from "once a week."

Sex once a week was never a rule, except in her mind.

A bare minimum? Yes. So, basically let her hamster on and STFU -- I didn't see any point in arguing for more. I did say I didn't want our sex life to be in a box. To which she answered, "There you go, all about YOUR needs, just like before. You don't care what I want." So, I STFU.

So, then we went to sleep, I rolled over and kissed her on the head and said "I think goodnight kisses should be a rule and they should be reciprocal, patted her butt and went to sleep.

Part of me thinks this is a good sign -- hamster is telling her to regain control the only way she knows how. But the quantity of sex is too low -- once a week makes me obsess on sex, because it isn't enough. And because of the low frequency, it can be hit or miss on quality.

 If the sex is low quality, then I crave better sex all week to make up for it. If it's good quality, then it's almost worse because I fantasize about that all week.

I don't get why she thinks less sex is going to make me less focused on sex. If anything, this puts MORE pressure on us, especially over the weekend.

I know the long term answer is "build attraction".  I am way more attractive now than I was last year, but yielding the same results in the bedroom as last year, after an uptick in the summer.

So, what the heck do I do, short term? Should I ignore it and ramp up the drive bys and initiations? Play it cool for a few weeks and let her initiate?

Should I just be happy until I get to Phase 2 or 3 and make the best of whatever sex I get?

SallyMander

"Should I just be happy until I get to Phase 2 or 3 and make the best of whatever sex I get?"

Curious as to what you think the alternative is? Be grumpy? Try to talk her into it?

Answer is the same as your other threads -- stay out of her frame, stay busy with improving yourself, A&A the hamster, as you did, and be patient.

monkeydog

Be happy = be grateful we are at once/week.

Assuming I maintain and increase the awesome, the question is do I ignore this "rule" and hit the gas sexually, stay the same or slow down?

My inclination is to slow down and work on me.

SallyMander

Do what you want to do because you want to do it. Initiate when you want to, as long as she's not red. What rule? :-) You're not a guy whose sex life is defined by rules, like a lab rat. That clearly deserves some A&A-ing, as you have done very nicely above. You're doing great, keep going!

SallyMander

Esp. since it's Friday, I feel like we should get the drinks cart and some apps ready for your happy hour weekly reflection thread.

monkeydog

That's what I thought I was doing, but apparently she is red 6 days a week, even if she appears green.

So, the message I am getting is: "I'll initiate when I am horny and it will be once a week. Don't mess with me otherwise or you will get nothing."

Recently initiations are mutual (as in we give each other "the look"  or just go for it) or she initiates.

Other than morning initiations, my initiations as of late have been total fails, no matter when I try.

In the past, it was basically a default yes, so not an issue.

Just parsing this out....

Angeline

SallyMander said:

Esp. since it's Friday, I feel like we should get the drinks cart and some apps ready for your happy hour weekly reflection thread.

If that didn't sting just a little bit, it should. You have a track record that is all of a month long of real, attitude, ownership changes of what is wrong in your marriage.

Maybe happy isn't the right word for you to get it. Cheerful. Breezy. Sober. Non glommy. Vaguely puzzled that she doesn't want someahthis awesome. 

monkeydog

SallyMander said:

Esp. since it's Friday, I feel like we should get the drinks cart and some apps ready for your happy hour weekly reflection thread.

monkeydog

Angeline said:

SallyMander said:

Esp. since it's Friday, I feel like we should get the drinks cart and some apps ready for your happy hour weekly reflection thread.

If that didn't sting just a little bit, it should. You have a track record that is all of a month long of real, attitude, ownership changes of what is wrong in your marriage.

Maybe happy isn't the right word for you to get it. Cheerful. Breezy. Sober. Non glommy. Vaguely puzzled that she doesn't want someahthis awesome. 

More like 3 months, but point taken. I promise no victim puke this weekend.

Husband3point0

How about 'abdundance mindset all weekend' instead?

Then push that to an entire week. Then for a month. And so on. 

Angeline

"The Look" is not an initiation.

monkeydog

I don't mean that the look means I am initiating, it's a mutual look that we both know means it's go time... does that make sense?

Tennee

monkeydog said:

I don't mean that the look means I am initiating, it's a mutual look that we both know means it's go time... does that make sense?

Yes, and that is not a strong initiation on your part. 

Angeline

monkeydog said:

I don't mean that the look means I am initiating, it's a mutual look that we both know means it's go time... does that make sense?

Let it turn into a predatory, gleeful, nasty look. If she starts to look a little alarmed or gives a nervous laugh, yer doin' it right. Let the evil grin grow bigger. Advance like you're going to give chase. If she takes off, win! Go get her. 

I realize your back situation makes some of this problematic. Just trying to illustrate between a simple stare and a more aggressive one. "The Look" should be going on every time she walks into your sightline. It does not substitute for a real, raw, "must have you" initiation. 

monkeydog

Thanks guys!  H3.0 makes sense --I'll be more strategic and work on the abundance mindset and let the mechanics of initiation and "rules of engagment" work themselves out.

jon

Dude - 28 threads.....

Actually kudos - I think you are doing pretty good with your map - keep that up man - and be patient - its going to take more than a few months.
STay strong and keep up the good work - oh and yeah - you will actually get better advice if you keep it on one thread...LOL

monkeydog

Well, at least it keeps things lively, eh?

Roses

My husband's in bed last night, I'm in the rocker nursing youngest. He says "Are you coming?" I say "Yes, in a bit." In a bit, I get into bed and he's all ready to go. I say "I'm crampy and not feeling up to it." He says "Then why did you say you were?" Huh what?
Well, he thought that was a clear verbal initiation. I thought it was a it's late, are you lost in a novel and needing reminding to put it and toddler down and sleep. So from his perspective I went from green to red. From mine, I was always red.
How sure are you that she isn't actually red from the getgo, and you two are cross-communicating?

monkeydog

You could be right, @Roses.

She seems to be default red on weeknights, but was much, much more affectionate than usual, gave me a better kiss than usual, flirting, etc.

When I returned from working out, she was more orange, but I had already made up  my mind that I was going to initiate as soon as the kids were away. By then, it was too late and I should have aborted.

TBH, it wasn't the best initiation and I need the OI practice anyway.

MrsB

What do your initiations look like and how does she shut you down? Could she possibly want a little more aggression? I'm wondering if you're missing signals or something. 

monkeydog

They vary from "come her woman and sit on my dick", to looking back to the bedroom, to just going for it.

She is pretty responsive to flirty talk and verbal initiation.  She likes a smooth line/move with a firm kiss/grab, but not a mauling type thing. Humor works too.

It's been a 2 month push back since initial excitement and frequency uptick over my improvements.
We had a 2 week drought, followed by 2 weeks of dutyish sex, then another 2 week drought, then some good sex last weekend, which was a mutual initiation, I guess.

This all
coincides with back to school (teacher), a lapse in HRT and aggravating my back injury.

So now, it's just a bit awkward right now as I think she is feeling pressured for sex and we haven't been having it that much.

Even though I only initiated once this week, she says I am escalating everything. I have certainly been flirty, handsy, etc., but have not initiated.  She is acting like every time we snuggle I try to have sex, but it isn't true.

I am making an effort to separate the two in her mind.

Anyway, based on past experience, I need to play it cool and let her come to me tonight and not press too hard, unless I get a big green light.