Oh Shit..

AlphamanAlphaman Silver Member Posts: 55
(About as 911 as it gets please move to that category if appropriate.)

This is probably it. I've just told my wife that its over. I am on the couch, she is in bed, and I am trying to work out how I can change this spontaneous phase 6 into a more of Phase 4 without losing face. It probably is over, but any advice on how to pull back a little (if the opportunity is there) much appreciated.

Really need to have a little more time, my map is making good progress, I just had a blow up on our anniversary - quite understandably given the complete lack of acknowledgement of our 21 years together from her. 

Please, just advice on how I *might* be able to alter the ultimatum / ending without going back to start. 


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Comments

  • AlphamanAlphaman Silver Member Posts: 55
    sf64 said:
    We need some more detail to be able to offer effective advice.
    21 years today.

    2 children 17 and 14

    Mapping for 1 year. A lot to do but a lot better than I was.

    Wife been stuck on red for 2 years. My pent up frustration / anxiety is intense. All very well talking of O.I. and Oneitis etc but when you haven't had it for that long, other than playing around or leaving what other option is there?  The anxiety this causes is seriously affecting my work. A counsellor I spoke to recently said that most men would have quit / blown up by now and that it is totally normal and understandable for the anxiety of this situation to be playing on my mind 90% of the time - hence seriously debilitating my life. 

    I have tried communicating, telling my wife we need to communicate etc. but she just ignores it. She is seeing a counsellor and I know she talks to her about this stuff, but she won't talk to me. 

    I do practice the STFU, but it is almost impossible with the constant anxiety I feel. 

    She doesn't tell me she loves me, no passionate or affectionate touch, just generic cuddles and pecks. She rejects me whenever I attempt, joke, play drive bys etc. We awoke early this morning, our anniversary, we cuddled, I cuddled closer etc and "No, why can't you just cuddle me?" as if all I ever want is sex.. (she seems to forget the hundreds of just cuddles..)

    So a little later is when I texted her (my daughter was home so I couldn't speak out loud about this) telling her that we are either a couple or not, blah blah, and I need to know today that she wants this relationship to work, at least to try - I even ended saying just a smiley face would do as a reply.  Nothing, not even a mention of the text, no reply. In the evening we went out to a BBQ, had time alone, plenty of opportunity. She just carried on as normal. I gave her a necklace as an anniversary gift, she said thank you but not even a happy anniversary.

    So we were in bed going to sleep, and I Just had enough. I got up told her that I was serious about needing at least a reply today, and I am over the lack respect she shows me. "its over, I'm on the couch and well sort out the details tomorrow." 


    So that is a few details about today. I have more mapping to do,  think I am making good progress and could see some big personal changes soon, but I have just nuked things.

     
    CartB4Horse
  • HildaCornersHildaCorners Winter? You call *that* winter?Gold Women Posts: 3,377
    Still not enough info. Do you have a full triage somewhere?

    The fact that you felt you couldn't have a calm conversation about the future of your marriage with a teenager somewhere in the house tells me a lot. And it isn't positive for you.

    If your facts are true (absolutely no physical contact except not-too-close cuddles, her complete lack of acknowledging your anniversary) and this has been the state of the marriage for many years ... maybe it's better to just end it. Don't tell me you're staying married for the kids ... they're teens, and can spot a dead marriage faster than you can. (Mine did.)

    But since we don't know your history (triage) and exactly what you've been doing to turn things around (your MAP), any suggestions we give are pure guesswork. You need more than guessing and projection from internet strangers ... a call with Athol would be your best action.

    Enneagram 5w4.  I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.

    "I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
    CrashaxeJellyBeanMiddleManCartB4Horse
  • AlphamanAlphaman Silver Member Posts: 55
    fredless said:
    The fact that you texted your wife something so important indicates you are not yet leading your family. A leader, a man who makes women swoon, is not afraid of confrontation or anger.
    Agree in part - texting does not mean not leading. In hindsight I would have been better waiting. But c'est la vie.

    And I did finish my OP with  " Please, just advice on how I *might* be able to alter the ultimatum / ending without going back to start. "   because I do not need to be told I did this wrong or have I read the  books etc.

    I..j.u.s.t.. n.e.e.d. .h.e.l.p... you can criticise my mistakes later all you want, right now I am in a situation. It is 2.05 am in the morning, I will be exhausted tomorrow and I need a plan.

    So your advice is? 
  • AlphamanAlphaman Silver Member Posts: 55
    Still not enough info. Do you have a full triage somewhere?

    The fact that you felt you couldn't have a calm conversation about the future of your marriage with a teenager somewhere in the house tells me a lot. And it isn't positive for you.

    If your facts are true (absolutely no physical contact except not-too-close cuddles, her complete lack of acknowledging your anniversary) and this has been the state of the marriage for many years ... maybe it's better to just end it. Don't tell me you're staying married for the kids ... they're teens, and can spot a dead marriage faster than you can. (Mine did.)

    But since we don't know your history (triage) and exactly what you've been doing to turn things around (your MAP), any suggestions we give are pure guesswork. You need more than guessing and projection from internet strangers ... a call with Athol would be your best action.
    Did a triage, not sure where it is. 

    My wife was rushing around getting ready for work and my daughter was getting ready to go out also, both in/out kitchen/ bathroom and in the same vicinity.  Just was not the place or space to tackle this. I have engineered and created space to talk, to explain my expectations etc in and out of the home, via letter etc . But met with little to no response. And it has nothing to do with not being a calm conversation - that wasn't even mentioned by me. It would be calm, just not something I would want my 14 year old to overhear.

    I think that I should end it most of the time, except I do actually want it to work most of the time. Until I have taken my map as far as I can - and I do have ways to go - I don't want to cut off my nose..  

    I am like many other guys on here from what I read, mapping and doing ok here, not so well there, struggling with this bit etc.  Maybe I can provide  more detail once I have some ideas for this current situation. If I do not manage to turn it around, it is over in a few hours. 21 years of marriage, 2 children family all over. So please, if you have some suggestions no mater how unlikely to work, throw them at me and I can consider them in my situation. That is all I am asking for right now.
  • AlphamanAlphaman Silver Member Posts: 55
    Good advice both  - thanks. 
  • NeverSleptOnTheCouchNeverSleptOnTheCouch Silver Member Posts: 432
    Why are you on the couch?  

    Consider one does not play succesdful chess thinking one move at a time.

    Texting it's over then asking us what's next, suggests no plan.
    TenneeCrashaxeRorschach42andatowel
  • AlphamanAlphaman Silver Member Posts: 55
    Why are you on the couch?  

    Consider one does not play succesdful chess thinking one move at a time.

    Texting it's over then asking us what's next, suggests no plan.
    On the couch because I was just so fucking pissed off with her I didn't want to be in the same bed as her. Emotion led that one. Emotion also led the text, I didn't plan it, just typed it out and decided briefly that from where I was what did I have to lose? An almost failed marriage?  Because I have no plan right at the moment I am asking for advice on formulating one right now (Starting with not being led by emotion). So correct, I do not have a plan. Emotion and the anniversary, along with some big stresses over the past few weeks caused me to be reactive more than active.

  • AlphamanAlphaman Silver Member Posts: 55
    Actually, @NeverSleptOnTheCouch  I kicked myself for behaving like I did as soon as I said it. I decided to leave the bedroom because I wanted to show I meant it. Now I'm thinking I just go back in to bed and sleep and forget about it all (3.08am now). Then wake up, be extra awesome and lead/captain have perfect frame and make my wife swoon at will. Easy!


  • Jen_KayJen_Kay Posts: 374
    @Alphaman 's triage is here.
     
    Moved to 911
  • CrashaxeCrashaxe Partytown, which is wherever I am.Gold Men Posts: 1,243
    Alphaman said:
    Actually, @NeverSleptOnTheCouch  I kicked myself for behaving like I did as soon as I said it. I decided to leave the bedroom because I wanted to show I meant it. Now I'm thinking I just go back in to bed and sleep and forget about it all (3.08am now). Then wake up, be extra awesome and lead/captain have perfect frame and make my wife swoon at will. Easy!


    It also sounds like you gave a Phase 4 Counter-Ultimatum last night, and she doesn't care.

    If you are going to leave for the night again in the future, don't sleep on the couch. Go to a hotel.

    “I’m going to plead with you, do not cross us. Because if you do, the survivors will write about what we do here for 10,000 years.” General James Mattis, USMC

  • SignorePillolaRossaSignorePillolaRossa mid atlantic usaSilver Member Posts: 4,079
    Have you been to a lawyer yet in order to find out exactly what your financial position would be and Draw up a separation agreement? 
    You don't have to file,  but knowledge is good and can demystify the potential. 

    But dude,  you bought her a necklace when she deserved nothing , so papers is probably the only thing left that might get her to engage

    Good luck
    Sr. PR

    ============================
    sapere aude

    Fuck Culture. Live your life - Beatrice
    ============================
    CrashaxeRorschachMiddleManTennee
  • fordsvtfordsvt Canada Eh!Silver Member Posts: 2,300
    You need to Map dude.  You need traction here and u have none    
    Shes not buying this from you at all.  She holds the cards and power here not you.  Texting an Ultimatum makes you look weak and a DLV    
    Women don't buy into weakness at all.  Never will either.  

    Into Phase 3..

    Those Who Dare......Win.   "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow.."

    Alphaman
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