Love my marriage except the lack of sex. Out of ideas.

Like_Water

No need to completely refrain from being here while you read, but the book will help greatly.  You will very likely see yourself and your marriage described over and over again in the book.  OI and STFU can seem like you are "letting her get away with it" at first, but you will come to find that these tactics:

1. Remove a lot of the negative energy from the relationship
2. Reveal to you that you can actually change your mindset and get yourself into a much better headspace

SignorePillolaRossa

sp333 said:

Again great insight from everyone thank you. Just wanted to respond to a couple of things.

I hear you all on the fail part of talking about it on ride home. Here is the thing why I did. I usually let is slide and don't say anything but that is not getting me anywhere. I don't think she really gets that its impacting me cause I would act that all is good. So I thought why bottle it in and let her know that I am pissed and its not right. What is the worse that can happen that I don't get sex. That has been happening to easy as it is.

This paragraph shows you have a strong himster ... the point wouldve been to A&A her as she was doing it in the moment - not bitter, but funny/cocky ... by talking about it, you were in her frame and it got you nowhere and was a DLV ... 

I don't mean to be passive aggressive that is not me but if I was on the coffee thing that day it was more to be like why am I doing this and that and not getting anything back? I read on here and such as to not reward for things so I thought maybe she notice. And she did. But point taken.

don't accidentally twist my point - it *is* good that you didn't make her coffee even if you did it the wrong way/time (yes, it comes off as pissy, but if you keep it up as the new normal, the timing will fade - ESPECIALLY if you do NOT make her coffee the next time you two have sex ... you can fix this by simply not making it for her ever again, at least until she starts being a good wife ... decouple providing balanced RC from expecting sex (i.e. end this, and all, covert contracts)

As to respond on what can I do to up my game or myself. I am open to suggestions. But I have made a point to lose a ton of weight and get my appearance back where she hasn't. I keep up on my hygiene as I am always like do this cause maybe sex will happen (stupid DLV covert contract - hygiene is what grown ass adults do - no other reason) and I want to be right for that. I know that sounds pathetic I feel it as I typed it too. I make sure for us to still get out and hang out and do things. Change things up to not be boring and in a routine.

She likes the routine and be fine not doing all what we do. I lost my fun wife you could say. I compliment her all the time (too much, maybe?) and even though I know she is down on herself on looks and weight I make sure never to let her think that. I make a point to show and prove I am still hot for her as day one together. But nothing. 

ditch the covert contract (compliments for sex) ... flirt and drive by for yourself cus its fun, not to see what her reaction is ... dont tell her an abvious lie when she downs herself - make it irrefutably true ... like, "hey!<grabbing ass and pulling her by both hips into your crotch> no one slags my wife like that, understand ? ... i only fuck grade A pussy .. now come here and i'll prove it"

And she sees it at times. She will say when did I turn into a prude or why am I like that now? I don't have answers for her on this. But I am taking what you all said and looking into the mirror on what I can do better believe me. Thanks.

you need to smash the wife goggles and lose the oneitis ... make yourself awesome irrespective of her presence in your life .. if she wants the routine, leave her to it .. go out and be awesome (invite her but do not let her choice not to participate derail you from going out to be awesome) ... make it clear that she is welcome to join in if she can be a positive sidekick .. if she is gonna be a lump, leave her to it ... but dont be a doormat  -she doesnt seem to earn princess treatment, so dont give it to her

be the prize and then get it into your head that YOU are the prize .. then reward her with it when she earns it ... inject positive energy, initiate when you want it - be OI when she turns you down ... prepare your statement of expectations (e.g. marriage is a sexual relationship and you expect  to have a sexually satisfying marriage and prefer that it be with her and expect that she will do her part to create and maintain it) ... but focus first on building your awesomeness ... get out of her orbit, find awesome things to do by yourself and with others ... lead her to improve her health and fitness by invitation but not hectoring

give it time but have a limit

ETA: i just reread this thread and realized that i already said almost all of this 7 days ago ... i'll refrain frmo posting like a broken record unless you have a specific need for an answer ... i dont want to prattle on if my opinions are not resonant for you ... good luck

CartB4Horse

Basically, what we're all telling you is that many answers are in the books that Athol has written.  The forum can help you with day to day interactions and real life examples.

Your just starting out and this will take YEARS.  Go easy on yourself but get started with three things you want to fix/improve/do this week.  We call them Monkeys.

SunDance

The short version MAP.

Lift: Lots
STFU: Always
GTFO: As much as possible
Game: Everyday, study and application

When your SMV exceeds hers, everything changes.

HappyTrail

The MMSL concepts will help you. But you have to work diligently and have patience (the hardest part for me). I agree with others that you may give her princess treatment - too much of a good thing can be as bad as not enough. Don't underestimate how much YOU changing into a better, fun guy will likely bring her out of HER shell. I heard all the same excuses for years (haven't shaved, too full, blah blah blah). My W was also content living her comfy life w/o sex and seemingly very happy. Your wife does not feel the need to make it a priority. She's not emotionally attracted enough.

Truman

Trust me, you will get more understanding of the situation you are in and what you can do about it in the 1-2 days it will take you to read the book, than in 6 months of being on the forum. Prepare to have your eyes opened!

Ervin3070

@Like_Water : "If my wife brings up jokes about how women avoid sex or how married sex is so rare and boring (Facebook is full of this crap), I just don't laugh.  It's awkward, but I'm OK that it's awkward.  If you just let the reality of what they are saying sit there, they realize that it's not funny."

Excellent response.  My wife used to say things like that.  Once, she took a really sexy dress and some high heels to a dress agency.  She told me later how she'd given them to the woman in the shop, and said, "I don't need them any more; I'm married."  My response should have been EXACTLY what you're suggestion.  It wasn't, of course, which is partly why I'm here.......

Ervin3070

@sp333 : "........My wife and another wife made a couple jokes about their husbands not getting any. I know it was in a joking manner but I don't find it humorous that a marriage is sexless. I didn't make a scene and just let it slide.

On ride home she asked me what was wrong. I said if we were not as sexless as we are I would have thought it was funny but I am sorry but I think it is sad not funny. She responded that why so much focus on it?........"

That was me, eight or ten years ago, laying the foundation for the shit I'm in now.  Thank God, now at least I can handle that situation correctly, though it be the only one I can.

Because of my current mental state (not good), I've temporarily stopped reading MMSLP, but the first part, describing Alphas and Betas made an impression on me.  As a young man, I thought Alphas were such idiots, I'd do anything to avoid being one (not that it took much.)  Now, I don't think that, and recognise the importance of some sort of mixture and balance.

I can't wait to get back on this forum when I'm not in this mental hellish place; I don't think I'm in a position to advise people, but I really enjoy reading contributions, and I'm learning a lot.