@amblrgirl: I really appreciate your comments. It's useful to me. In my core, I believe L made a mistake; I am convinced beyond doubt that she loves me. Also, we do have sex; it's just that it's not that often. When we do, she really seems to enjoy it- there are no signs whatsoever that she finds it repulsive, or uncomfortable. Another user (forget who just now) has made some excellent comments about women's sex drive and, even though they're possibly slight generalisations (plenty of women have high sex drives!), they're useful.
I will add that for me, I've had more success in setting clear boundaries for acceptable behavior in the present (and enforcing them) than I've had trying to muddle through the past.
But again, I can understand how the affair issue (and feeling a lack of "closure" around it) may be different. So you're better off with advice from other forum members on that aspect of your situation.
I think, in my case, and given that the affair was a long time ago, focussing on the present is probably the best thing. I don't want to lose great things in the present for mourning things which I can't change.
@CartB4Horse: Thanks, man. I'm beginning to understand what "focussing on me" means; one side-effect is that it doesn't put my past self in that great a light, but there's no sense in worrying about that. As you say, I will keep trying to "Fuck. That. Noise."!
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