He's getting plenty of sex, but still complains

At another impasse. So we've been having sex almost daily, at night before going to sleep and early in the morning before getting up. Then the other day he complains that I haven't been coming. I've explained to him that as a woman I can't have an orgasm every time. Even showed him Athol's article. That he shouldn't pressure me. I admit I've starfished a lot of the time since they're quickies and I'm not feeling it. 
So now he's complaining again and feeling insecure. We even had a big fight about it, with him accusing and me agreeing that I hate sex. 
Now we're at a place where we're being cordial but keeping our distance. I've approached him to try to thaw the ice, but understandably he's like what do you want me to do after you've told me you hate sex.
So although I like not being bothered for sex so much, but I miss the intimacy and companionship. 
What to do?...


  • dalefdalef Silver Member Posts: 1,963
    Do you really hate sex with him? If not, you need to let him know that. That is about the  most devastating comment a man could receive. (If you do hate sex with him, divorce him.)
  • HildaCornersHildaCorners Winter? You call *that* winter?Gold Women Posts: 3,377
    I'd like some more information here.

    You say you're having plenty of sex and he's upset because you're not orgasming. How often is "plenty of sex"? How often do you orgasm (with him), and does he know for certain? [Some women have silent orgasms, they partner can't tell if they had one.] What are the initiations like, do you two have a variety of sex so you each get it the way you like best some of the time?

    Clueless men often expect women to be sexually just like men, and thing "wham, bam, thank you mam" is enough for their woman. They'll bring nothing to the table except their penis, then get upset because you aren't acting like a porn star. They have no understanding of attraction or even basic foreplay. Then they get mad at you because you're unable to have porn star sex with no warm-up.

    I wan married to one of those ... worse, he was serial cheating, then would come home and complain "I want you to desire me!!" I should have told him "Well, you need to be worth desiring, buck-o, and make me want to desire you."

    Enneagram 5w4.  I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.

    "I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
  • MissDMissD On your leftGold Women Posts: 111
    Sounds like you were both reaching for wounding big guns?

    Maybe I'm bitter, but I'd show him the multiple threads where FOs state it's not about the O.

    He needs a 2x4 to the head (heh) IMO.

  • JekJek CaliforniaMember Posts: 1,520
    For me, sex is like driving.

    If I am going on a road trip, and can enjoy the drive and not have to get to a destination at a certain time, it is great.  I look forward to it, anticipate it.

    If it is a long trip that I have taken before, I get bored, so I try to reroute to see new scenery and make it interesting.

    If it is the 6.6 mile trip to and from work that I do every freaking day, I don't look forward to it at all.

    Does this mean that I like? Or dislike driving?  I can't simply state yes or no, it is determined by the conditions.

    I drive a lot at my job.  I don't mind it at all when I am getting paid for it, but as soon as I get off, I don't even want to go to the store at night.

    I think I lost my point...

    that last part doesn't fit into the analogy right at all.

  • dalefdalef Silver Member Posts: 1,963

    she has just cause for complaint, but 'I hat sex' is using a nuke to deal with the problem.
  • EverAfterEverAfter Member Posts: 106

    I'd like to clarify that H is very loving and attentive lover. Hence his concern at my not having O's. I understand Jek's analogy that sex has become routine and therefore boring which doesn't inspire any desire. I thought and it was communicated to H that it's OK that I don't achieve O's during those quickies.

    I also agree with Athol that the frequency of sex for us doesn't seem to match up making it a Red for me. He seems to want 1-2x/day whereas I'm fine with 1-2x/week.

    Also I don't hate sex. Most of the time, the encounters are pleasant even without the O's since he's usually very affectionate. My complaint was his nitpicking at a situation I thought was satisfactory for both of us. He had to get all insecure which in turn turns me off.

    We didn't handle our initial argument right, but we've talked since then. Ice has thawed and we even spent some time together yesterday just hanging out, watching TV and cuddling. Besides shark week started right after, so we're on a break from sex, for now.

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