My triage and more

DaddyOh

@Tennee yup yup. 

To the OP. I just recently read a great book. The foundation of the content was "Take emotion out of it". 

If you take emotion out of this equation you got a wife throwing a temper tantrum over dessert. Make sure you tell her that, and walk away. 

Superblue

I don't know if this changes anyone's assessment here, but just to clarify: She's not upset about the desert, but about me "manipulating her emotions" when she was upset it wasn't ready yet by pretending it really wasn't ready when it actually was. She says she was really hurt by that and by the fact that I put the blame on her afterwards and never made strong attempts to reconcile or comfort her despite her crying a lot. She's quite fragile and she knows she's often not reasonable and also apologized for it at other times,but she says she needs me to be strong and put up with it until she overcomes it . After our conflicts were resolved in the past she often says that she didn't mean things she said to me and never does and that I should never take it personally. I thought it's reasonable for me to not take it personally, until I just realized that it doesn't really matter whether it's personal or not. I simply don't want to be talked to in that way no matter what , period. She does have things of her own to work through, but I don't think she's got a right to me being patient with misbehavior, no matter where it comes from in her history. Am I seeing things correctly?

Angeline

Mostly, except that you are responding with anger and emotion, which is like pouring gasoline on a fire.

Practice a few, short statements:

That you will be walking away from childish behavior and giving her space until she decides to act like an adult

That she needs to let you know which of her words can be ignored and which are to be taken seriously

That grownups don't have temper tantrums

That excusing bad behavior and rude, childish outbursts with "Oh that's just how I am" is no longer acceptable.

Only bring out ONE statement at a time, then leave. Do not reward her with your attention, even if the "attention" is a fight. Leave her completely alone for a while, while being ridiculously cheerful and pleasant. Don't hold a grudge and pout if she comes to you and acts normal. Let it go. It might takes months of this before she gets it, she might never, she might break down next week and apologize for being a little brat. No matter. YOU proceed on with grace and manners and great mood.

Make double dog sure YOU aren't engaging in the same poor behaviors.

Beatrice

Superblue said:

I don't know if this changes anyone's assessment here, but just to clarify: She's not upset about the desert, but about me "manipulating her emotions" when she was upset it wasn't ready yet by pretending it really wasn't ready when it actually was.Somebody is manipulating emotions here, but it's not you.  She says she was really hurt by that and by the fact that I put the blame on her afterwards and never made strong attempts to reconcile or comfort her despite her crying a lot. She's quite fragile and she knows she's often not reasonable and also apologized for it at other times,but she says she needs me to be strong and put up with it until she overcomes it. Is she taking any action to overcome it? After our conflicts were resolved in the past she often says that she didn't mean things she said to me and never does and that I should never take it personally.So she can be free to continue to mistreat you. Maybe you should google "abuse cycle". I thought it's reasonable for me to not take it personally (not true), until I just realized that it doesn't really matter whether it's personal or not. I simply don't want to be talked to in that way no matter what , period. She does have things of her own to work through, but I don't think she's got a right to me being patient with misbehavior, no matter where it comes from in her history. Am I seeing things correctly?

Follow Angeline's good advice and insist that she take action to improve her behavior.

Superblue

Wow. That abuse cycle is spot on. And while my behavior has been abusive in the past, she always starts it and builds up the pressure on me until i lose it. I know she wants to improve because she's been improving in some other areas even after many failures. She wants me to be alpha, but not too alpha. She wants to be submissive. We've talked about it quite a bit. Thanks for the feedback guys. I can see more clearly now. I think my number one goal is to not give into any demands and to not get emotional or angry. I knew that for a while, but for some rain only now I feel like I can actually do it. Maybe it's because so far I haven't had any major outbursts and therefore a clearer conscience. I think my outbursts made me feel so guilty that it was impossible for me not to cave. Well, I'll try to keep up the streak now.

Beatrice

You should seriously consider getting some outside help. 

Set up a 1-hour call with Athol. He can quickly pinpoint problems.

Or try marriage and/or individual counseling. 

You two could really benefit from a third party helping you to sort things out. 

Superblue

I've considered that, but she's quite paranoid about that kind of stuff and doesn't want to get a third party involved. She won't trust anyone.

Husband3point0

Superblue said:

I've considered that, but she's quite paranoid about that kind of stuff and doesn't want to get a third party involved. She won't trust anyone.

Of course not, then she might actually have to behave. 

Superblue

Shit. I got pulled into her frame. Everything's a mess and I feel like I'm breaking down. I said at need help. She says she doesn't want that because that would confirm that our marriage was a mistake. This woman is unreasonable and crazy and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to "be awesome" when my wife is constantly depressed, whiny, argumentative and fragile. This is not what I want in life, but now I'm stuck. We're also moving to a different state in a few months. I don't know how to cope with all this. I just left and drove away now. It's like she sucks all live out of me. She acts one way, but says she doesn't mean it the way I think she does. Everything's up side down and I'm going insane. I'm worried for my kids to grow up in a broken home.

Beatrice

You can get help for yourself even if she refuses. People with difficult/abusive/mentally unstable spouses need to reach out and get advice from people who know what to do.

You are not stuck. You are free to do anything that needs to be done. You can do this. Many people on this forum have done it and it is because the got the support and advice they needed.

DaddyOh

First of all, deep breaths, deep breaths. 

Second, I have yet to meet a married couple who has not dropped the D word in their marriage. Even the healthy relationships have some bumbs. This is normal. 

@Beatrice is 100 percent correct. You can only work on you. You can lead by example. But Get into counseling- Marriage or individual. 

Third thing, and this might sound harsh, but it's time to strap on the boots and create your own frame. What you just wrote is OK for this forum, we calling venting, but make sure that it never leaves the forum. When in doubt, think of James Bond or Jason Bourne. Would either of them write what you just wrote? 

From now on there re is no "I don't know what to do?" There's either an answer or "here are the options, let's figure it out and work on it" 

It's the holiday season. You put on a smile, have fun with your kids. If she wants to be pissy then it's all on her.