You know I thought I had a handle on her mental state. After this weekend I realized I have no clue what planet she's on. I'm concerned about her being served, she might totally lose her shit if someone hands her papers.
Which is why restraining orders are served by a team of police, with you (and the kids) kept at a distance and protected by yet another officer.
At least that's how my town does it ... <town's> finest wouldn't let me into my house until my then husband was escorted out.
Or did you mean divorce papers? You can arrange with the server (also an officer in my area) to find a time when there's nobody around ... or you can hire off-duty police to make the service. If she's likely to do the latter, I'd definitely hire an officer.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
Is her mental state well enough where all of her anger is just directed at you?
You know I thought I had a handle on her mental state. After this weekend I realized I have no clue what planet she's on. I'm concerned about her being served, she might totally lose her shit if someone hands her papers.
Wait, so she doesn't even know about the divorce yet? This is just normal, background level crazy?
Yeah dude, this is just a regular Tuesday around here.
You know I thought I had a handle on her mental state. After this weekend I realized I have no clue what planet she's on. I'm concerned about her being served, she might totally lose her shit if someone hands her papers.
Which is why restraining orders are served by a team of police, with you (and the kids) kept at a distance and protected by yet another officer.
At least that's how my town does it ... <town's> finest wouldn't let me into my house until my then husband was escorted out.
Or did you mean divorce papers? You can arrange with the server (also an officer in my area) to find a time when there's nobody around ... or you can hire off-duty police to make the service. If she's likely to do the latter, I'd definitely hire an officer.
Lawyer said it's best to use a plain clothed professional as it is less dramatic than an officer and will hopefully set the tone for a less conflicting divorce process. The day she does get served I might stay in a hotel for the night
You know I thought I had a handle on her mental state. After this weekend I realized I have no clue what planet she's on. I'm concerned about her being served, she might totally lose her shit if someone hands her papers.
Which is why restraining orders are served by a team of police, with you (and the kids) kept at a distance and protected by yet another officer.
At least that's how my town does it ... <town's> finest wouldn't let me into my house until my then husband was escorted out.
Or did you mean divorce papers? You can arrange with the server (also an officer in my area) to find a time when there's nobody around ... or you can hire off-duty police to make the service. If she's likely to do the latter, I'd definitely hire an officer.
Lawyer said it's best to use a plain clothed professional as it is less dramatic than an officer and will hopefully set the tone for a less conflicting divorce process. The day she does get served I might stay in a hotel for the night
Is your lawyer fully aware of how BSC she is, or he working under the assumption that she is a normal, reasonable person? Forgive me if you've explained this already, but does he have experience dealing with these kinds of situation (one spouse is crazy, abusive or has an addiction)?
Is her mental state well enough where all of her anger is just directed at you?
You know I thought I had a handle on her mental state. After this weekend I realized I have no clue what planet she's on. I'm concerned about her being served, she might totally lose her shit if someone hands her papers.
Wait, so she doesn't even know about the divorce yet? This is just normal, background level crazy?
Yeah dude, this is just a regular Tuesday around here.
Just....wow. So what's the time scale here? How long until you're free from all this?
"But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it
any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no
savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love." - Bill Hicks
0
HildaCornersWinter? You call *that* winter?Gold WomenPosts: 3,377
Lawyer said it's best to use a plain clothed professional as it is less dramatic than an officer and will hopefully set the tone for a less conflicting divorce process. The day she does get served I might take the kids with me to a fun activity and we all stay in a hotel for the night
FTFY
Doc, there are several of us who are seriously worried about your kids. Please let us know you are doing everything you can to keep them safe.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
Thanks for the concern everyone. I really am alright and so are the kids as long as she's not keying off of me and doing crazy shit. My lawyer advised me to chill and remain super chill. So far I've been able to do that. Soon this nightmare will end and I'll move ahead
Was there a specific incident that pushed you past your tolerance limit? Or just a realization that it would never improve to meet your needs?
I would say it's the sum of years of no progress, exhausting every resource, plus her increasingly batshit crazy behavior. Final straw was her telling me two weeks ago that she doesn't love me and hasn't loved me in 3-4yrs.
That was the tipping point for me as she alredy made it clear that she does not respect me by punching me in the face a few months ago. I have years of martial arts training, am in phenomenal shape and could literally choke her unconscious in ten seconds and there is not a single thing she could do to stop me, yet she thinks it's ok to hit me because she knows I won't harm a woman (= zero respect)
no respect + no love = no more reason to try to make it work.
I was initially going to wait till after the holidays but when i found out she was locking our 4yr old in the car while she walks our son into school and would not unlock it for me to get to her, that was the nail in the coffin. I made my decision right then to file immediately and stop fucking around.
You need to stay the course @drstrangelove. Violence is no answer and if she's resorting to hitting and punching you ? That's a major red flag dude. Good on you for showing restraint and not retaliating. You're right zero respect means zero chance to make it work. Does she hit the kids too?
Into Phase 3..
Those Who Dare......Win. "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow.."
Happy Thanksgiving! God is good. I told my parents about our adopted daughter and my parents were very understanding and supportive. They just want to see me happy and move on with my life (my mom kept reiterating not to go backwards on the divorce)
Comment of the night "well I guess we have ourselves another granddaughter"
It's been an emotional day for sure but I feel incredibly light. I'm also wondering if I should tell Ms Love that I filed for divorce. Would that not be the mature thing to do?
I don't see what good could come of it right now. Do exactly what your lawyer has told you to do. If they didn't tell you to tell her then don't do it.
She doesn't have a lawyer advising her on how to strengthen her position, or act within the bounds of the law. The only ones she could make this weekend would be ones that would weaken your position.
I've had another weird day today. I've been chatting with her sister off and on this last couple of months to get her help and insight into helping us fix this. Her sister divorced her whacky husband last year. She's not talking to her sister now since she has been telling Mrs Love to wake up and see what she's about to lose (me).
So fast forward to today I wished her sister happy thanksgiving and said I missed her apple pie this year. She texts me back asking if I was staying another night, that I should come by to check out her new place after her ex picks up her teenage son, have some apple pie and "talk"
I asked a close friend about this situation just to make sure I'm reading it right and he said "dude her sister is so trying to f@$k you"
This kind of out of nowhere, not sure what to do with that one. Haha. Wow.
Driving home I called her sister to let her know I would gladly take a raincheck on Apple pie because I need to get home and tell my wife I filed for divorce(I will tell her tonight, her reaction to it is none of my business. I want the current and future me to continue to sling only truths)
as for the sister, I guess looking back, there has always been something from her end for a few years now. Makes sense. I need to avoid avoid avoid. But it is funny. And if it were up to my buddy, totally ok after the divorce, although I don't think that would help me in any way.
Driving home I called her sister to let her know I would gladly take a raincheck on Apple pie because I need to get home and tell my wife I filed for divorce(I will tell her tonight, her reaction to it is none of my business. I want the current and future me to continue to sling only truths)
You are planning on doing this on a Friday night, the night when drinkers feel sanctioned in drinking even more heavily, the night after Thanksgiving, on a long weekend when people who drink do so even more heavily, with no contingency planning done in advance for her various potential reactions that you have mentioned here, and no coordination with your attorney, who may or may not be reachable on a holiday weekend. And she is a day drinker, which means that she was probably already lit when you posted here.
The odds are high that this will turn out very, very ugly for you.
Waiting another few days to be able to coordinate with your attorney isn't going to compromise your principles, but it might well keep you out of a hotel, a hospital, or jail on a bogus DV charge.
Telling someone with massive abandonment issues and chemical alteration of their brain that causes a lack of judgement and also leads to a higher likelihood of violence that you are going to leave them, then going to sleep in the same structure is not a move destined to improve your health or life expectancy.
If you are going to proceed with this plan, I really hope that you prepared that Bugout Bag, as it is much better than even money that you are going to need it.
Don't do this.
“I’m going to plead with you, do not cross us. Because if you do, the survivors will write about what we do here for 10,000 years.” General James Mattis, USMC
My ex married his brother's ex fiancée. It is exactly as weird as you imagine it.
You're doing the right thing. Good luck as you break the news.
Haha I am not getting involved with her. Just a range of emotions on this one: excited to be wanted, red flag that she would jump on her sisters husband so quick how fucked up is she, curious because I've always wondered what's underneath those clothes, optimistic for what potential lies out there for me post divorce, and weirded out by the prospect of fallout if we actually followed through on this.
The situation you describe with your ex sounds really sketchy, I could imagine being at my parents or hers down the road with the "other sister" as a partner.
Plus, the goals I have been setting for myself post divorce besides being an awesome dad don't even include seeking dates at this point. I am looking to expand my comfort zone and do things I haven't done or always wanted to pursue. Examples:
-get a set list together and start locally performing acoustic solo or even join a band. I was in several bands in HS and college and kind of gave all that up. After a year of struggling, within the last week my signing voice just came back out of nowhere! wohoo! -get back into jiu jitsu. I gave that up for full time parenting last year -take a stand up comedy course and perform -sign up for ministries at church -devote more time to my business gig and see if I can quit my daytime job -travel more for work as that leads to more income usually -consider a career change to public speaker, pastor, motivator etc perhaps get a masters in bible exposition -meet as many people outside my comfort zone as possible. -try new stuff, be open.
0
CrashaxePartytown, which is wherever I am.Gold Men Posts: 1,243
edited November 26
I see that you posted while I was editing my post.
Life has been shitty, but you are having a good day today. You are on a high. It is interfering with your strategic and tactical thinking.
Your STBX won't be on a high. Guaranteed.
Don't do this tonight.
Wait.
“I’m going to plead with you, do not cross us. Because if you do, the survivors will write about what we do here for 10,000 years.” General James Mattis, USMC
Comments
At least that's how my town does it ... <town's> finest wouldn't let me into my house until my then husband was escorted out.
Or did you mean divorce papers? You can arrange with the server (also an officer in my area) to find a time when there's nobody around ... or you can hire off-duty police to make the service. If she's likely to do the latter, I'd definitely hire an officer.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
"But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love." - Bill Hicks
Doc, there are several of us who are seriously worried about your kids. Please let us know you are doing everything you can to keep them safe.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
That was the tipping point for me as she alredy made it clear that she does not respect me by punching me in the face a few months ago. I have years of martial arts training, am in phenomenal shape and could literally choke her unconscious in ten seconds and there is not a single thing she could do to stop me, yet she thinks it's ok to hit me because she knows I won't harm a woman (= zero respect)
no respect + no love = no more reason to try to make it work.
I was initially going to wait till after the holidays but when i found out she was locking our 4yr old in the car while she walks our son into school and would not unlock it for me to get to her, that was the nail in the coffin. I made my decision right then to file immediately and stop fucking around.
Violence is no answer and if she's resorting to hitting and punching you ? That's a major red flag dude. Good on you for showing restraint and not retaliating. You're right zero respect means zero chance to make it work.
Does she hit the kids too?
Into Phase 3..
Those Who Dare......Win. "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow.."Comment of the night "well I guess we have ourselves another granddaughter"
It's been an emotional day for sure but I feel incredibly light. I'm also wondering if I should tell Ms Love that I filed for divorce. Would that not be the mature thing to do?
She doesn't have a lawyer advising her on how to strengthen her position, or act within the bounds of the law. The only ones she could make this weekend would be ones that would weaken your position.
Have a plan, and follow your attorneys advice.
So fast forward to today I wished her sister happy thanksgiving and said I missed her apple pie this year. She texts me back asking if I was staying another night, that I should come by to check out her new place after her ex picks up her teenage son, have some apple pie and "talk"
I asked a close friend about this situation just to make sure I'm reading it right and he said "dude her sister is so trying to f@$k you"
This kind of out of nowhere, not sure what to do with that one. Haha. Wow.
Driving home I called her sister to let her know I would gladly take a raincheck on Apple pie because I need to get home and tell my wife I filed for divorce(I will tell her tonight, her reaction to it is none of my business. I want the current and future me to continue to sling only truths)
as for the sister, I guess looking back, there has always been something from her end for a few years now. Makes sense. I need to avoid avoid avoid. But it is funny. And if it were up to my buddy, totally ok after the divorce, although I don't think that would help me in any way.
My ex married his brother's ex fiancée. It is exactly as weird as you imagine it.
You're doing the right thing. Good luck as you break the news.
The odds are high that this will turn out very, very ugly for you.
Waiting another few days to be able to coordinate with your attorney isn't going to compromise your principles, but it might well keep you out of a hotel, a hospital, or jail on a bogus DV charge.
Telling someone with massive abandonment issues and chemical alteration of their brain that causes a lack of judgement and also leads to a higher likelihood of violence that you are going to leave them, then going to sleep in the same structure is not a move destined to improve your health or life expectancy.
If you are going to proceed with this plan, I really hope that you prepared that Bugout Bag, as it is much better than even money that you are going to need it.
Don't do this.
“I’m going to plead with you, do not cross us. Because if you do, the survivors will write about what we do here for 10,000 years.” General James Mattis, USMC
The situation you describe with your ex sounds really sketchy, I could imagine being at my parents or hers down the road with the "other sister" as a partner.
Plus, the goals I have been setting for myself post divorce besides being an awesome dad don't even include seeking dates at this point. I am looking to expand my comfort zone and do things I haven't done or always wanted to pursue. Examples:
-get a set list together and start locally performing acoustic solo or even join a band. I was in several bands in HS and college and kind of gave all that up. After a year of struggling, within the last week my signing voice just came back out of nowhere! wohoo!
-get back into jiu jitsu. I gave that up for full time parenting last year
-take a stand up comedy course and perform
-sign up for ministries at church
-devote more time to my business gig and see if I can quit my daytime job
-travel more for work as that leads to more income usually
-consider a career change to public speaker, pastor, motivator etc perhaps get a masters in bible exposition
-meet as many people outside my comfort zone as possible.
-try new stuff, be open.
Life has been shitty, but you are having a good day today. You are on a high. It is interfering with your strategic and tactical thinking.
Your STBX won't be on a high. Guaranteed.
Don't do this tonight.
Wait.
“I’m going to plead with you, do not cross us. Because if you do, the survivors will write about what we do here for 10,000 years.” General James Mattis, USMC