Situation with an infant

DukeSilver

I bought MMSLP years ago and it has been a huge help. I think I had been married all of 3 months when the purchase was made and it is the best marriage book I have ever read. That being said, I am in a situation that I'm not sure how to traverse. I am an Army vet, college educated and I have been working in a family business now for two years. At first when I got married, I moved my wife and I away from her hometown because I had a job opportunity with the fed and my government contract job was ending. We fought a lot with her being away from her mother and so we moved back, bought into a cleaning business, bought the house next door to her parents (and really they have been a huge blessing), remolded it while my wife was pregnant, moved in 3 weeks before we had our first child, and quite frankly it has been a whirlwind. I want my wife to stay at home but for now, it financially isn't feasable. I am selling my cleaning business because the money hasn't been good enough due to the local economy and so I'm waiting for the buyer to move back and take over operations. In the meantime I am going back to college to get my prereqs for nursing school. My wife is at home for another month until she goes back to work and the baby is probably going to daycare in the meantime. Which means I work my job 50 hours a week and study about 20. She handles the books for the business, takes care of an infant and will also be working full time in a few weeks. We are both working ourselves into the ground and trying to get some savings for when we go onto just one income for the 2 years that I am in school. We don't talk much, I haven't gotten any action in 3 months and while I can overlook that she has no interest in even speaking with me. I think she is going through ppd and guilt for sending my daughter to daycare plus she is exhausted, but seriously I don't know what to do to make her happy. I can handle the doghouse. It has pizza and copenhagen. But at what point does it get to the point with the Baby where she doesn't need someone 24/7? My wife treats me with respect but she has no interest in speaking with me. I will work or study all day, 7 days a week and then try to take a few hours to spend time with them every night, but my wife just has no interest in talking. I am good looking, I'm not fat, I have a career with a lot of accomplishments, I am bilingual, educated, we live in a very nice house next to her mother. But it still isn't good enough. I know that my wife is tired. I have tried asking her out on dates, I play with my daughter whenever possible (because I love her not because I think it will make my wife happy). I have tried taking her out to new restaurants, movies, day trips to the Mountains and my wife wants nothing to do with it. She just looks at me and says "You can go if you want". Now furthermore, my wife is unusually attractive (although she doesn't feel that way right now), smarter than most people. She has a very successful career. (Although she wants to stay at home. She understands the career I am doing right now isn't going to pay the bills long term.) She supports me in what I am doing but has just distanced herself. 
Am I left to being alone for the next 3 years while I am doing school and I will be able to rebuild my marriage once I graduate and she can stay at home? At what point does it get easier with the Baby? Because right now this kid needs someone to be with her constantly. She cries a lot because she is wearing 6-9 mo clothes at 3 months and I think she is having a lot of growing pains. She also feeds like a linebacker. I don't believe things are hopeless but for right now I need small things I can do to make my wife happy. What are things you guys did while your kids were smaller that isn't taught in the normal marriage books? Any help would be appreciated. 

fredless

You won't get good advice/insight until you do a full triage.

frillyfun

A full triage is definitely a must.  The biggest thing you can do is get her help if you think she has PPD.  The other thing is make sure she gets at least one day a week to sleep in, regular showers, and things like that.

It takes a while to adjust to a new baby.  Those first few months can be brutal.  It does get better.

growingafamily

Fwiw my husband worked full time while attending nursing school, so it's feasible. Unless you mean CRNA or something.

Lothbrok

To be honest the first 6 month can be a physically and emotionally draining.  My wife wouldn't leave the house for a month with the baby.  Think maybe you wife just needs a break.  If you can take your kid out for a few hours hear and their to give your wife alone time.  Your either working or studying do I am sure you aren't the only one feeling along at the moment.  You might consider going part time for the next year then finishing strong once the baby is a little older.

i find it a little troubling she won't talk to you.  When did this start?  I am assuming she will at least respond to you if you engage.

i would also recommend you do some some research on post partium depression.  If you think she is suffering from this make sure she gets help.   women with no history of depression can suddenly begin having serious depression.  Because there is such a stigma on depression many women will suffer in silence.

typically starts to get easier once the baby is sleeping and isn't breast feeding anymore.  really depends on the child.

HowlAtTheMoon

Breastfeeding is really physically draining. Add in sleep deprivation and social isolation and it is really easy to get into a funk. Especially when you feel fat and smell like sour milk all the time.

Do the triage, but really, those first six months are an all hands on deck exhaustion fest. It is almost easier with more kids because then you are forced to leave the house and let any ideas of perfection fly out the window.

She just had a baby and is about to be the breadwinner.  That can be really scary on a gut level. 

Roses

Five of my six were born a size larger and stayed that way. I don't think it is growing pains. How is she at burping? So hard to get #1 to burp, by #6 it was easy. I think babies sense how stressed you are and react, and by #6 it was pretty much well, now she's born I can move around so it's easier than still being pregnant with her. Could it be colic? Have you asked baby's physician if this is a normal level of crying? Is baby getting over stimulated? Can you/wife turn all the sounds and moving lights off and quiet the house?
Does she have a good breast pump? Will grandma next door babysit for a bit? Half an hour to the coffee shop, not day trip to the mountains.
You have a three month old. You haven't gotten laid for three months. It's hormones, plus the first six weeks her physician said no. What's baby's sleep schedule? If she's waking every two hours to eat, can you have your wife pump a bottle and send her to get four hours of uninterupted sleep, maybe eight pm to twelve am, and you study and give the baby the bottle at ten pm? You can put the baby in a chest sling and wear her while you study.
Other people talked about ppd. Don't ignore them!

forestleaf

Here is the info for the questions you'll need to answer for the full triage: http://marriedmansexlife.com/triage-your-relationship-and-the-911-er-category/ in case you didn't know.  Scroll down the page and start with "question one" and list all your responses here.

The biggest thing I think you can do for your wife now is relieve her completely of baby duty for at least an hour, at least once a day.  The best scenario is get the baby out of the house; do you have a nice stroller so you can go on a walk or can you take the baby out to the mall or somewhere?  Your wife can just sit, or sleep, or shower, or eat food, or just watch tv if she wants.  It makes all the difference in the world having the baby out of the house, because your wife then gets to be human again.  Ask friends or family members if they can contribute some time to this.  Learn how to feed the baby (see Rose's question about breast pump and bottles), change diapers yourself, figure out how often and how to bathe the baby, figure out when you need to change clothing, etc.  Don't just "play with the baby" from time to time.  BE AN ACTIVE PARENT.  Like, take half the responsibilities; any that do not require human nipples are fair game for you to take over. 

Have you had a talk with your wife about whether now is the time for you to go to nursing school?  While it's an excellent occupation with good job prospects, maybe you need to reconsider that right now.  Within 8 weeks of having my first baby I was back to working full time, supporting my family of three, while my husband was working on his PhD and then his postdoc, and I resented his seeming inability to finish schooling and his inability to bring in money (and it was very unattractive).  That was probably the beginning of our marital problems.  You have got to do what is best for all three of you right now, and that may or may not mean that you go to nursing school right now.

Oh, and here's some info on colic in infants.  http://www.parents.com/baby/care/colic/colic-basics/ ; My second baby had that and he cried nonstop.  I honestly think it can be psychologically damaging for parents to deal with.  I don't know if your baby has colic or not.  Read up.

ETA:  If you want to see divorce in your future, then leave all baby-related issues and paycheck-earning to your wife.

Jen_Kay

You live next to your in-laws? Can they give your wife a break for an hour a day? Or can they give you a low-stress "date night"?  They take baby for 3 hours, you order in food so no one has to cook/clean up, you watch a movie and make out on the couch, etc. NOT making it a big deal thing she needs to stress about, but making it baby-free adult time to relax without having to get dressed up and socialize with the outside world.

And in the bigger picture- the years with little babies are uber-stressful for most families. You can't ignore the stress and hope you can pick up the pieces when they turn five and go to school full time. You have to figure out what the two of you, with support of family/friends/daycare/support group/doctors, can reasonably handle and still like each other and the kid at the end of the day.

As for the crying- keep track of exactly how much the baby cries for a few days. Keep actual notes of "crying from 7am-9:10am. Started 4 minutes after finishing formula. Tried rocking, music, car ride, burping, changing"   Call your pediatrician and discuss your findings. Our oldest cried and spit up a lot, and ended up having a milk allergy. It could be medical, it could be temperamental...you won't know until you analyze a bit. And sometimes 20 minutes of crying, which is normal, feels like FOREVER until you see on paper- oh, baby cries for 20 minutes at random, five times a day and it seems like xxx makes it stop. Or wow, baby cries for a total of 8 hours each day. We really need to figure out what is wrong.

Crash34

I don't post very often, but you struck a nerve as I have a now 14 month old and I was in the same boat at this time last year. Listen to the advice above. A baby with colic takes its toll on everyone in your home. Relax, take deep breaths and take advantage of the leadership moment that this is. When you get frustrated vent here, but never to your wife. Go to appointments with her and help her along with at least screening for PPD. Take the baby for at least an hour but more if you can handle it. Mine would cry from around 7pm-11pm every night. Since I knew I couldn't do much to help her, I would just pop in some earplugs and just sit and comfort her the best I could do. I know it seems never-ending, but I promise it will get better sooner than you think.

Lothbrok

My sister had colic.  My parent used to take turns driving her around in their car since it was the only time she would stop crying.  Not sure it that works for every baby but it's worth a try.  My kids also loves baths so that was alway a way for me to break the cry cycle.

monkeydog

Also, try the "football hold" -- hold baby stomach down in your forearm, chin resting in your hand.

You can sort of rock her back and forth. Works like a charm, even with strange babies ....not that I go around holding strange babies...

Winter

I don't usually recommend books but 'Happiest Baby on the Block' has some great ideas. I actually do hold newborns all the time at my job and parents usually call me the baby whisper when I use those methods. 

Scarlet

^ Same.  I'm pretty shameless about snitching babies, and they always settle for me.  That book is magic.  There is a DVD too.

MrGrimm

And don't underestimate good tight swaddling.  Our 2nd and 3rd both were colicky, and we finally found that swaddling really helped with the last one.

plainjane

You said in your original post that your wife refuses to talk with you.  Is it possible that your wife is no fully longer on board with your plan to go to school while she assumes the role of family breadwinner?  As a childless couple, it is easier to weather the kind of major life changes you and your wife have encountered in the past few years.  Did you come up with the plan for you to go to school before the baby or during the pregnancy?  Perhaps she visualized being able to do the super wife, super mom thing and was fine with it then.  Now she is faced with the reality of being a mom, supporting the family, and for the most part, doing it alone as you study for the next 3 years.  She might have fully been on board before the baby, but may now have a serious change of heart after becoming a mom.  She may be harboring some resentment towards you as well.  You are already college educated and experienced in the work force, yet returning to school and putting the responsibility for family finances on her for an extended period of time.  You may need to take the lead on this and figure out some alternatives that may assuage her feelings and refocus her attention on the financial benefits for the family long term for making this short term sacrifice.  Maybe offer to put off your studies for a semester to get better settled in with the baby and help her transition back to working full time. (Could she work part time for a few months?)   Even working 50 hours a week, you would have more time to be with her and help her transition back to work.  Maybe you could reassure her that this will be the final career change for you. She may feel that in a short time, you will want to try another career, putting her in the same position again.  You can let her know how important time with her and the baby is to you and give her concrete examples of how you plan to fulfill your responsibilities as a husband and father while attending school.  
 
This situation is likely very scary for her.  She needs your help to overcome her fears and reassurances that this plan will work.

Gracey

MrGrimm said:

And don't underestimate good tight swaddling.  Our 2nd and 3rd both were colicky, and we finally found that swaddling really helped with the last one.

The baby swaddles with velcro, The Happiest Baby on the Block video and shooting headphones saved my sanity when our daughter was a newborn. She had colic and would cry for hours with no end. 

The shooting headphones were suggested by a friend of my husband who went so far as to gift us a pair. They  block out the top range of the baby's cry making it easier to stay calm. As he explained it those top notes are what works on your nervous system to be sure you act / react. As someone whose never even been near a gun I was skeptical but now I swear by it. Good luck. 

Angeline

OP has not been back since posting.

HildaCorners

Gracey said:

The shooting headphones were suggested by a friend of my husband who went so far as to gift us a pair. They  block out the top range of the baby's cry making it easier to stay calm. As he explained it those top notes are what works on your nervous system to be sure you act / react. As someone whose never even been near a gun I was skeptical but now I swear by it. Good luck. 

I wish I knew about these when I was dealing with colic ... the best I could manage was football holds and loud Irish folk music. And knowing that the worst of the colic would be over by 12 weeks.

MrGrimm

Gracey said:

The shooting headphones were suggested by a friend of my husband who went so far as to gift us a pair. They  block out the top range of the baby's cry making it easier to stay calm. As he explained it those top notes are what works on your nervous system to be sure you act / react. As someone whose never even been near a gun I was skeptical but now I swear by it. Good luck. 

I've been wanting to get something for my wife, and maybe that is the ticket.  No, we don't have any more babies (the youngest will be 5 in a few days), but it doesn't take much loud kid play to send her over the edge