Initiative

WhiteLighte

Hi all!

I write to ask help.

My boyfriend and I live a Captain-First Official relationship. I really like a man that it's able to lead and usually I follow him without problems in common decisions and life.

The problem is that in the last month he started to micromanage me. I can't take initiative on my own to help him, even if he decided the direction that we should follow.

For example he said: 'We have to reach this goal in this way' and I agree with him, but after that he starts to say me how I should do my job to achieve the goal. I can't take initiative to help him, I only have to follow all his directions without say nothing, because 'He leads'. 

It's like a person that go to an architect and they decide together how the house should look after a renovation, and after that the person follow the architect to correct her work and 'leads' all the littlest actions. 

For example, when he is tired or express a desire like 'If only I had more time to finish this job' and I try to help him taking other jobs that usually he takes, putting myself on his side and trying to fix the problem together, or simply cooking something that I know he likes.

After that he is always angry, like he feels in some way 'less leader' because I did these things.

I feel like he doesn't trust me and my skills, and he is always on my back to correct me, and in this way I feel insecure, and scared to take initiative because I can't imagine all the time how he wants to do things...

It is normal? It's me that I'm not used to this kind of relationship? 

Have you some advices for me? What can I do?

Thank you for replies.

frillyfun

Welcome to the forum!  

We're definitely going to need a full triage to be able to give you the best information for your situation.

WhiteLighte

What do you need to know exactly?

Tennee

Howdy-

http://marriedmansexlife.com/triage-your-relationship-and-the-911-er-category/

The more detail you provide, the better comments / advice / 2x4s / and occasional rantings you'll receive back.

Welcome aboard.

WhiteLighte

I hope to do it well

1) Basic Questions

I'm M. 25 years old, and he is V. 33 years old. We got engaged one year ago. He leads a small group of people in a chemical industry, quality control sector. I work in the same field, but I'm still learning the job (I'm a PhD).

He is 6'1'' ft, 180 lbs and I'm 5'6'' ft, 150 lbs.  


2) Rule Out Structural Attraction Issues

There aren't medical problems. We are both healthy, and we go to the gym regularly to mantain our shape. We don't take any type of drugs, except obviously auto-medication ones, if they are necessary. 

3) Rule out structural problems

I think there aren't structural problems. On my own, I'm ok to stay in a house with 3 girls, to share the rent. He has his own apartment, so he is better than me under this aspect. 

He earns better than me, but I never ask to him to pay for me, or to have gifts, or such thigs. I accept if he shows to do it, in other cases I plan activities and other bills on my own money. So, money aren't a problem. We both like our jobs. Mine is something like a transition job, but for me it's ok in this way. I think one step at one, and in any case, I've just started.

On the work theme, he has several responsabilities with his superiors, about people that he leads. He manages it really well I think, and he didn't show any stress about it. He can mange well work accidents, usually he has a good worker (and friend) that he trusts and that help him in leadership. So, I think no bad news on this side.

4) Rule Out Critical Moments and Neglect

Sometimes I'm hurted by his lacking of sentiment. 
He is the mastermind of us, he is really good to make strategies to work and put everyone in the right place to act basing on his/her skills. So, sometimes, when he tries to fix my problems (things that i appreciate) I miss his feel-connection with me. 

On the other hand, if I should examine myself, I'm more the person that understand others and works to take care of them. Not only with suggestions and feelings, I give my practical help, too. For example, if someone say to me 'I want to do this thing, but I have this problem' I will do all I can to fix the problem, so he/she can do the thing in a better way, without external worries. 

I don't know if acting in this way can be a problem for him, I wrote it to compare me with him and because this is my most important feature.

5) Rule Out Outside Sexual Sources

I don't think there is an external sex source. He is religious, and want to wait till wedding day to have sex.

Maybe can be that there is a girl that attracts him more than me... but I think it isn't. He is really focused on me when we are together: no sms, no calls, and he treats me like a queen. Maybe can be possible that I'm naive, but these are informations in my hands.

6) When Did the Sex Go Bad?

Like above, he wants to do it after wedding date. It's forbidden by his religion.

7) What Was the Sex Like at the Start of the Relationship?

Like above, he wants to do it after wedding date. It's forbidden by his religion.

8) What’s the Elephant in the Room?

I think my need to feel useful. I can't stay too much time 'passive', I mean, I like to be cared, but for me it's better to take care of others. Sometimes V. says to me: 'When you will start to take something from me without give me back nothing?'. It's not because I don't like to be dependent from another one, but I want to show that I appreciate him, and I need to do something else for him to let him feel that for me he matters: his desires, his dreams, his life. I think this is my way to show respect for the other, in the deepest way, like 'you are accepted, I will be your helper and your life companion'. 

I don't need to do SO MANY things, or the BIGGEST thing to show it. I usually need only a small-medium part in other's life to act: can be to help with something that he can't do in that moment, or to smooth some difficulties on the way to reach the goal, or give different points of view (not suggestion or advices, I act like: there are other elements that you can consider if you want to do this thing). If I think it's necessary (example: a dangerous situation or a situation in which I can't ask before at this person what he/she wants that I do), I take initiative in these fields, and I don't wait that the other asks to me to do something to help (maybe it's because in the past I faced up dangerous situations with others, and I acted istinctively to put others in a better situation to act).

I like to execute some directions, like 'You should take up about X problem', but I need to act in a free-way. Not that I don't want suggestions, but I need to feel that he trusts me, and that if he asks me that thing he can stay easy, he is in good hands, I can mange well it.

I want to underline that he has his 'things that need to do alone' and I don't interfere with him. He is the commander of his life (and me of mine, of myself I mean) and there are things that we do alone, not with the other one. 

I'M SPEAKING ABOUT TEAM SITUATIONS, situations in which we are together and we need to pass through together.

I don't pretend that he says to me all his problems... but I crave, sometimes... I think that share the heavy weights at least in thoughts, it's the best way to feel less under stress. How can he knows that i'm there for him, if he hiddens me his thoughts, needs and weaknesses? How can I say positive words, and encouragements, if he doesn't speak with me? 

He doesn't decrease on my eyes if he does it... but seems that he thinks it. Now it seems that he doesn't want my cooperation. It seems that I'm cutted out of him.

9) Who is the Leader in your Marriage?

Simply.
He is the head, I'm the right arm. 
He says 'This thing has to happen' and I work to, practical, shoulder-shoulder with others (and him too).
Usually I put outside my thoughts on a situation, but he takes the final decision. I usually agree with him, because my thoughts are more like 'This is the situation, and we can observe it from this side, and this side, and this side'. He is more focused, so he can decide better than me and I follow him, really happy to do this.
Under stress I follow him in the sense that I think how I can act to make him simpler to lead.

Example: we were at business dinner. He was speaking with his boss, and the boss was trying to put him down. I saw him to become really angry, and so, before he started to speak bad, I did an observation on his work (a good one, obviously) that the boss hadn't consider (maybe voluntarily). After that the situation was again good for him, he was on his field, and he started again to speak pleasantly.

10) Tell Us About the Good Times

Till one month ago, we were really happy. 
I think that was because I could make him feel respectful and powerful, being part of his team. 
Now, I still love him. I don't know, maybe he is unsecure about something, but I really don't know what to do. 
I miss all the previous days in which we were like one eprson, and we have both space to act in troubles, challenges, sports.

I hope someone here can help me

WhiteLighte

? No ideas?

never_again

Shot in the dark here, but are you a virgin, too?  And does he know, either way?

Katt

How long have you known each other?   How did you meet?   Also, you keep taking in terms of the abstinence being due to his religious beliefs; do you not share those beliefs?  

fordsvt

You don't speak of a very loving and respectful relationship here.  
How do you feel about obstaining from sex till marriage?
Are you going to practice his religion too or convert ?
Whats the long term goals here. Kids ?  No kids ?  
You actually sort of sound like roommates really.  Does he show affection and care? There is some important pieces missing here and you're Triage. 

WhiteLighte

He doesn't ask me to convert, only to respect him, and I did. To adhere to his beliefs it's not hard for me, I'm a truster too. 
I share his convinctions, for me it's not a problem to haven't sex till the wedding day. 

Children after that, I want to have several (4-5), and he knows it, and never said nothing against, he seemes to be happy about this. But I knew him only 1 year ago, so we didn't do this conversation deeply.

I've met him through collegues presentations My University has a partnership with his company and sometimes we go to their laboratories to study new peocesses and he showed me some of these... 

He shows affection and care, he treats me like a queen, but like a 'queen prisoner in the castle': he has to be the only one that has to take decisions... it seems like unsure, and that has to demonstrate that he is 'the man that lead' in some way.

And it isn't a 'religious rule' because we are both Christians and the Church didn't teach this... 

WhiteLighte

I think what Athol Kay says it's exactly what the Church teachs. Even if you don't look at it in a 'religious way', I think you can still give to me good advices.

If I speak about this to my friends and collegues, they will say to me 'You should share your leadership', but I trust in a relationship Captain-First Official. I don't want to lead him, only to have the opportunity to give him my point of view. 

It seems that he thoughts that he is always right and that he is unsure about his person, so he tries to cover his insecurity to be bossy and to have all under control. 

Katt

How soon after meeting did you get engaged?   When do you plan to get married?   

WhiteLighte

We haven't speak about marriage in a deep way. We only said that our is a 'serious relationship' and that we need to know each other really well before to make the 'big step'. We decided to took all the time that we need to understand and know each other really well.

We took 3 months together before to be an official couple. So I knew him by 1 year and 3 months in total.

Maria

Please understand that the Captain /First Officer dynamic is more the outcome of a healthy relationship - among other sound possibilities; it's not written in stone! - but not the means to an end.
C/FO demands that both partners are able,  trust each other and rely on each other's ableness to solve problems and handle chores. What it does NOT mean is that one calls all the shots and the other just follows their lead. That's a Captain/flight attendant relationship at best.

You need to stand up for yourself. Being proactive seems to be a huge, integral part of your personality and it just won't do hiding it or letting it become stunted.
The person you are planning to spend the rest of your life with must accept you how you are. I am speaking of core personality here.
Sure, we all need to adapt our behaviour to our spouses, but we must not nerf our personality.

WhiteLighte

Maria said:

Please understand that the Captain /First Officer dynamic is more the outcome of a healthy relationship - among other sound possibilities; it's not written in stone! - but not the means to an end.
C/FO demands that both partners are able,  trust each other and rely on each other's ableness to solve problems and handle chores. What it does NOT mean is that one calls all the shots and the other just follows their lead. That's a Captain/flight attendant relationship at best.

You need to stand up for yourself. Being proactive seems to be a huge, integral part of your personality and it just won't do hiding it or letting it become stunted.
The person you are planning to spend the rest of your life with must accept you how you are. I am speaking of core personality here.
Sure, we all need to adapt our behaviour to our spouses, but we must not nerf our personality.

Do you think that mine is something like 'Captain/flight attendant' relationship?

Or do you think that I can't be a first officer, that I'm too much 'leader'?

Maria

The first

WhiteLighte

 Maria said:

The first

Ok, and do you think that I can do something on my side? Without change myself like you said before...

Maria

Not only can you do something, you must if you want to lead a fulfilled life.
If I understood correctly you have no issue with him leading in the sense that he decides most details of your joint life. I suppose your thoughts are heard and taken into account, yes?
Your problem is that once you start managing stuff that's in line with what he decided he takes matters out of your hands and micromanages you. Did I get that right?

Start with verbalising your need to be trusted to manage stuff. Don't go to great lengths there, but state that you are just doing your part of what both of you decided earlier to do and that you don't want him to micromanage you. You are a proactive person and want to take initiative.
If he doesn't accept that you might want to re-think your relationship with him.

WhiteLighte

Maria said:

Not only can you do something, you must if you want to lead a fulfilled life.
If I understood correctly you have no issue with him leading in the sense that he decides most details of your joint life. I suppose your thoughts are heard and taken into account, yes?
Your problem is that once you start managing stuff that's in line with what he decided he takes matters out of your hands and micromanages you. Did I get that right?

Start with verbalising your need to be trusted to manage stuff. Don't go to great lengths there, but state that you are just doing your part of what both of you decided earlier to do and that you don't want him to micromanage you. You are a proactive person and want to take initiative.
If he doesn't accept that you might want to re-think your relationship with him.

Ok, I will do! Thank you.

But, in this way, isn't like I will be the 'Captain'? I mean, isn'it it a switch role?

WhiteLighte

In the case that I manage some stuffs, I mean. After his decision about how to act.

And no, not always my thoughts are put inside the equation. Sometimes he just ignores them.

never_again

You need to study the Captain/FO relationship more. 

The Captain and FO carry the same authority on the ship.  If the FO gives an order then it carries the same weight as if it came from the Captain.  The only exception is when the Captain over-rides the order of the FO, which should be a very rare occurrence.

The Captain and the FO discussed what needed to be done (presumably the Captain sought the FO's guidance in the matter).  The Captain made a decision.  It's then the FO's job to carry out the Captain's orders.  

It's not the Captain's job to stand over the FO and make sure every t is crossed and i dotted.  The Captain has (or should have) more important things to do than skulk around trying to make sure that his orders have been carried out.  The Captain is not a babysitter and if the Captain doesn't trust the FO to carry out his orders then the relationship is in trouble.