Book a call with Athol and Last plead for advice..

AlphamanAlphaman Silver Member Posts: 55
1.

Well, the forum is closing and I find myself in my marriage at a point of very possible closure too. I had a call with Athol this week - he told me exactly what I expected to hear and exactly what I needed to hear. If you have been mapping yourself then you know whats happening, but sometimes you just need to be told and reassured that all may not be lost. If you haven't had a call with Athol (or Serenity I assume or any others)  and you are on here for the purpose of saving your relationship, then do your self a favour and get it booked.  I couldn't afford the call, that is what held me off making the booking for so long. As soon as my situation deteriorated to the point it has, I couldn't not afford the call. Don't wait until you would pay triple the cost because you need it so bad. DO IT NOW !

2.

Last pleading for advice.

It does seem my time on here has been for advice only when I need it. It was not by design, just how it happened, and I thank all of you who took the time to care and help.

My wife told me last weekend that she has had enough, can not take it anymore- my desire for sex and intimacy (which is kisses and cuddle daily, and about 1x month I let her know that I love her, find her very sexy and attractive and I really need a good hard  ....), my not making  enough  money and so on. She told me she can't just open her legs for me, she doesn't find me attractive any more and women are different to men and need lots of other things in place first before they can find men attractive. etc

Ironically it was on the last day of a meditation course I was on, which was all about letting go of stress. The announcement from her was in the morning - that was a difficult day meditating on the course! 

My advice from Athol is basically that as she doesn't seem to have an exit plan and it was under stress of me pushing a little on the obvious red that she reacted, I may be in with a shot of her not going through with her decision - if I can map like a rabid monkey on acid and get things happening with the money side of things.

Has anyone been at the point of no sex from the wife for a long long time (2 years here),  and her telling you it is over,  then being able to successfully turn it around and give yourself the opportunity the build the relationship again?

Christmas tomorrow (in 33mins to be exact) for me, and I am in emotional turmoil inside but trying to act the confident calm in control guy on the outside. It creates a real cognitive dissonance which I would be significantly unhealthy long term.

I am going to have a great Christmas and do my best to give the children a great Christmas. After that, we will see.

If you have anything to add that may help me, many thanks in advance.

But mainly thanks for all your help in the past, and have a great Christmas, a happy new year and an awesome life!!
Be well and remember  - Life is for living.

Comments

  • shibarishibari Silver Member Posts: 7
    Athol will have the best grab on your overall situation. Did he mention sth about your chances of a successful turnaround?

    HildaCornersCrashaxe
  • AlphamanAlphaman Silver Member Posts: 55
    Sth ?  Not sure what that means. He did think it was likely the wife wouldn't go through with the threat if I clearly made progress in my key areas, and didn't screw anything up even further. 
     
  • CrashaxeCrashaxe Partytown, which is wherever I am.Gold Men Posts: 1,243
    Athol's advice trumps all obviously. He is going to have a much better read on your situation.

    I do say that if you are to the point that there is no intimacy for that long, you have to seriously evaluate if your efforts to restore the marriage are going to be successful, or if that same effort would be better spent moving on and finding someone different.

    I'm not advising you to divorce. I am just saying that you need to weigh doing so against the likelihood of your MAP working and getting you what you want from the marriage.

    I am giving that advice from the perspective of having spent a lot of time trying to read the tea leaves of what my wife would or wouldn't do. It was wasted time and effort for me. I wish I hadn't have spent the time I did trying to fix something that was unfixable. I would have been a lot better off just focusing on my needs and going from there.

    Divorce was not an option for me at first, but as I tried and tried and tried, and my efforts were wasted, divorce became a viable option that became more and more likely to be the only way for me to get what I was looking for. Now I am getting ready to eject and try over again.







    “I’m going to plead with you, do not cross us. Because if you do, the survivors will write about what we do here for 10,000 years.” General James Mattis, USMC

    AlphaNow
  • frillyfunfrillyfun East PodunkGold Women Posts: 3,386
    I had a shitastic marriage, and took my H to phase 6.  We're alright now.  
    Listen to Athol, run your MAP- it sounds like you have some definite reds, and go from there.

    She's upset about your finances, but you're taking a meditation class?  Fix the finances man.  That stuff can wear on you- you're constantly worried, and if you're worried you're not horny.  They're mutually exclusive states.
    JellyBeanAngeline
  • AlphamanAlphaman Silver Member Posts: 55
    I have seriously pondered that too. Even if I can get the ball rolling again with this one, it will be long struggle to get the sex and intimacy up to the 80's.   I was talking to a man last night at a Christmas eve party who was in a car accident earlier this year. A super serious one where he is still having intensive therapy and recovering, and his young son was even worse off. As I research and will be writing about NDE's I asked him about that - he didn't have one but he stressed that he now appreciates how tenuous our life is, and how much of a gift and blessing just being alive is. This is what I am hearing from all the experiencers. Applied to our situations, I am left deciding as yourself it seems where my individual happiness fits in with the happiness of others. I think you have made the correct choice,


    Be strong and find your happiness. I don't know if it is against forum rules, but wth I will leave my email address public here and open that I can keep on touch with some of you, the support alone is worth it let alone the shared wisdom we all have.

    froutts@gmail.com
  • AlphamanAlphaman Silver Member Posts: 55
    frillyfun said:
    I had a shitastic marriage, and took my H to phase 6.  We're alright now.  
    Listen to Athol, run your MAP- it sounds like you have some definite reds, and go from there.

    She's upset about your finances, but you're taking a meditation class?  Fix the finances man.  That stuff can wear on you- you're constantly worried, and if you're worried you're not horny.  They're mutually exclusive states.
    Thanks @frillyfun the meditation course was one we both wanted to do, she came to part of it bit couldn't do it all because of work. She actually hoped it would have a positive effect and expressed that prior to the start so it was not like I was off playing Buddha while things were turning to custard at home. By the way, it has worked, the course gave me something and took away something which has allowed real core change to happen in me.  

    I am taking Athols advice and going for it. Thanks. Very merry Christmas :smile:
    Lenny
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