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So when I first read MMSL my eyes were opened and I realized my wife and I were in a comfy rut. What I realized was missing for me was more sex and physical intimacy with my wife. This was especially acute as our dog had died, she was mourning and withdrawn, and I was looking at how our life should be with this change. My focus with the MAP has been on being more alpha, more physical during the day, and working towards sex being the default outcome when we go to bed.
I have not made progress after 10 months. I suspect I'm missing something, and would welcome your advice. I had plenty of sexual and long term relationships before getting married and have not had this problem, at times I feel I'm completely over-thinking this and that having more sex with my wife shouldn't be some damn difficult.
I believe I've ruled out the structural issues, so it's game on then.
Here's what I've been doing:
more frame control - not jumping through hoops
attempting 10 second kiss - I have rarely gotten her to stay with it that long and it doesn't seem to work. big flag for me.
touch her and stroke her leg, back, feet, hand, etc at various times during the day
"push/pull" technique, show interest, then withdraw it, and so on to build attraction
Keeping the bed / house warm (cold air temperatures turn her off)
being cocky/funny - too much and she says I'm mean.
Beta / comfort - she likes this a lot, but doesn't get me laid
Telling her what I will be doing to her later that day - finds it too vulgar, unless I have her physically aroused when she will talk dirty back and beg for it
Telling her sweet things about what I like about her and kissing her, and then going for it
Because kissing her doesn't seem to get things going, I tend to start kissing her stomach and breasts. I think I need a gentler way to get things going between gentle hand holding and
Here's various feedback I've gotten from my wife at various times, which tells me I'm off somehow:
I feel like you now want sex from me all the time, and that's all you want
I'm tired. Why can't we just wait for the weekend?
Stop pawing at me
You're just like all other men, all you want is sex
I can tell you are looking for ways to initiate sex all day long, that's all you want
You're making bed time stressful for me - I have to worry you're going to pounce on me
Her shit test have increased, I do my best to ignore them or blow them up, but I do fail them from time to time (getting better)
We have sex now about six times a month, and it is great when we do. Almost always on weekend. She gets really in to it, and consistently orgasms two to three times. Sometimes gentle but mostly animalistic and passionate. When we have vacation and the weather is warm we've had streaks of being together daily for a week or so, and things were easy and great. This ends when it's back to work. Just like on vacation, we did it daily the first several months of our relationship, this died down when I took a more stressful job and that was the beginning of our rut.
She gets up early and goes to bed early and values her sleep. She complains that doing it right before bed wakes her up and then she can't sleep afterwards. My wife never masturbates on her own. She would never watch porn, and doesn't like explicit sexuality unless completely turned on. She prefers to clean the sheets after every session, which is something she just started up a few years ago. I know she has a sex drive because even when she turns me down she'll have wetness in her panties the next day from me trying to initiate. And she is much more ready when she ovulates.
Basically, I can't find a way to work sex into our workday routine. I realize I have to attract her and make her want it, it's not something I can talk or reason her in to. Honestly, I'm happy with my wife, I just want to go from sex from 1-2 times a week to 3-4 times a week. But my trying is becoming an issue.
What am I missing here, or does this come down to my wife just not wanting to go beyond her comfortable routine?
Comments
As I posted (sorry, can't enlarge the fond) we were very passionate our first six months together, until I got in to my current line of stressful work. We still hit this stride when we don't have work on vacations, especially trips, including as recently as June. It was only this January that my eyes opened and I realized I wanted to be with her more than once a week.
This is my confusion, I have trouble understanding who has the higher SR, and whether I need to up the alpha or the beta. I've tried both, and results seem random.
Sounds a lot like you are focusing attention on her constantly though.
Do you ever ignore her / do your own thing?
One Hour Call 12-Week Guided MAP
"The turnaround is tremendous. And I'm lifting weights, eating better, and tackling projects. I have all this great energy without a vampire sucking my life force. He's a lot stronger standing on his own two feet, as well." - Scarlet
Completely understand this needs to be about her perception of SMV, that is what counts. I admit I'm also not 100% if she sees it higher or lower, I think it's close and so really dependent on my behavior, as everything else is in line. I'm 38 and she's 42, so at some level I suspect there is some fear on her part of declining SMV, which is she appreciates comfort from me. But that needs to be balanced by the right kind of alpha from me to generate arousal, which isn't always there. I know it's those subtleties I need to get right.
Steu, good points, I think I can be tighter and more consistent on initiating the right way (doesn't come across as needy for sex), not failing shit tests, and not talking about it. I'll be tweaking how I do these.
Athol, you are right, I've getting ready to do more of my own thing weekday evenings. My work and athletics are all early morning, so I'm home around dinner every night. I plan to take yoga classes on one to two weeknights starting next week, so that should give me more time away from her while also putting me in an environment to create some dread on her part (yoga classes are almost all women, she goes to morning ones and knows this).
Some comments over at Krauser's also made sense to me. Slightly different in my case as this is a LTR and not a new girl, but I suspect sometimes my Mrs holds out because she feels that I will pay less attention to her after the deed:
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
In addition, your wife has some serious hangups about her own sexuality. No masturbation, no dirty talking on her part except during the act, and reacting negatively when you try and get her aroused during the day. But I agree that her changing the sheets is a big red flag that her issues may go beyond the typical "nice girl" hangups to something deeper. Did she go to Catholic school? Have very repressive parents?
Finally, since running the MAP isn't generating responsive desire we have to consider "She's just not into you." Even though she does appear to enjoy sex once you get going, saying she's too tired when she does other things really means "My vagina hates your sperm."
For my wife, I ended up getting some Bollywood romantic classics ("Jab We Met" and "Kuch Kuch Hota Hai" are her favorites) and Korean Romatic dramas ("He's Beautiful" was a big standout for her.) This will not work if you dislike subtitles! But it was a good way to keep her focused on romantic feelings, which helped her to feel passionate every day.
- http://youarenotsosmart.com/2013/05/23/survivorship-bias/
Dude accept your sexuality!
If she complains and calls you a perv, smile and say "yeah isnt it great?!"
If she gets mad then get mad at her for losing her temper over playfulness.
There is nothing wrong with being sexually playful and she shouldn't get mad over it.
thanks very much for the input. I've been applying Stu's advice over the last week and have had some improvement already.
I'm also starting the yoga this weekend, she shit-tested me when I told her, but expected that and passed no problem. That should help with doing my own thing and a little bit of dread game.
There is also something to Notelrac's comments on cockblocking biorythims, and I haven't figured out a way to address that yet. We're up to four times this past week, but I know that's due to the nice long weekend.
I realize improvement here is about long term habits, and I'll be sure to report back in a few weeks.
"There are no right biscuits." – Mandrill