RollerCoaster!! Oh Yeah...

Hamster_Free

Sooo...

Since I was last here:

DH came back from his month's sojourn. There was crap between us when he left, but we maintained through the absence and spoke (briefly) about it when he got back.  Nothing about that sitch really changed, but..we talked, which is a huge step for us.  Communication in general has been *better*.  Sex has been alternating between HAWTand slim to none.  Cooperation in household management is way up on both sides--for the first time in my married life, I wouldn't be mortally embarassed if someone dropped by unexpectedly.

Getting back to the sex part, which really is the point of the whole site..

In the midst of the 'Welcome home, lets get our shit together' chat, he asked if there had been any other men while he was gone.  I told him (truthfully) that there hadn't been, but that I'd been hit on by another guy earlier that summer and politely sent him on his way.  DH responded by saying that was really hot, and we got into some of the most mind-blowing fucking we've ever had.  All well and good, except he kept on pinging on the idea of the other guy screwing me, asked me if I thought about it, why didn't I do it, etc, and the more he got into that idea of this other guy banging his wife, the harder he got, and the more extensive the tour of 'Pound Town'.  When the chandeliers stopped swinging and the feathers settled to ground, I asked him what he meant by "Why didn't I do it"...wouldn't he care if his wife had cheated on him?  He said he'd want to know about it, but that sometimes, things just happen, and as long as I gave him all the details so that he could 'fuck the other guy out of me', he'd deal. (First off, WTF, and secondly, isn't this kind of the Anti-MAP?  Actively *Encouraging* your woman to go bang other dudes?) 

So, in a lapse of judgement, I said I'd consider 'opening' the relationship, something that he's talked about for years. The rationale (DAMN YOU, HAMSTER!!!!) was that I'd read a blog post on this site (which I've tried repeatedly and unsuccessfully to find again) which talked about how people in open relationship must by necessity maintain a much higher level of communication with each other.  Pretty sad that I'd consider having sex with other people just to make the communication better in my primary relationship, I know.

The next day, (closing the barn door after the horses have left, I know), I looked up LOTS of perspectives on open relationships, including about every blog post and forum thread on MMSL.  I read how it almost always results in the downgrade of the man in the partnership, how women are often compelled toward more alpha males in the scene, and the dude almost always gets the worst deal in any scenario involving multiple couplings.  I looked up rationales for swinging and found that none of them really supported the goals that I's looking for, that they almost all boiled down to gratification with little consideration over the long term.  I went to various sites...marriage support sites where people have done it and highly advised against it ('pandora's box' is a common term of reference), and poly/swinger sites in which people happily boast about the joys of going out with their husbands and girlfriends simultaneously and just don't get what the hangup is.  I even have close friends who are poly, so I get the idea and the rationale and have seen it in action--and can truthfully say that not a one of them have lived the life sans exponential drama.  Based on all that I've seen, it really is all about getting one's rocks off and the gratification of adulation with little concern for the very real chemical consequences (body agenda, oxy/vaso vs dopa, etc, not to mention the biological concern of what is lurking in various nether regions..eeeek..)

Needless to say, I'm having more than second thoughts.  Problem is, he's still full speed ahead and looking up swinger clubs in the area and checking out personal ads.  I told him about my extreme reticence, but he rebuffed, saying, it's OK, we can just go and 'soft swing'.  I even forwarded the stuff I found, particularly the bits about how the dude WILL MOST LIKELY be left one way or the other.  Neither his velocity nor trajectory have altered.  He shows me pics from the sites, reads ads to me, and it just serves to turn me off more. He said he found another couple who wants to meet us, and who we could go to events with so that I'd "know someone"...but ack.  All I can think is I'd be able to handle myself MUCH better if I DIDN'T know anyone.  That, and what.  Meet up before the event and politely avoid the elephant in the room that we're all associating for the express purpose of extramarital sex?  *awkward*.

I stepped in it by acceding, but I feel like he dove in it and is now industriously endeavoring to pull me in with him.  And since the sex has been HAWT when he's been thinking and talking about me with another guy, and slim to none in any other circumstances, the fucking hamster is picking up on the scent of tasty treats and telling me that I really should just give him what he wants and go have sex with other men, damn the consequences, and maybe if we do this, I'll find a guy who'll NOT want to share me and who WON'T need the image of someone else boning me to get hard enough to do me himself (although, I gotta say, just from a logical standpoint, going to a swing environment is probably not the best place for locating monogomous, mate-guarding males, you idiot rodent.). 

So, there's that.

I don't want to be the waffley woman who says she'll do something and then changes her mind, but in the light of being the catalyst for marriage rending sexual behaviors, being a waffle is sounding mighty appealing.  On the other hand, if sex with me and only me is inadequate for him, is this doing us both a favor by calling the issue out on the carpet?  Riiiiight.  I don't really know if I have a question.  I'm guessing I can list the suggestions; counseling, counseling and...oh yeah, counseling.  Mostly just thinking out print (rather than out loud) in absolutely the ONLY venue where I can ponder these thoughts.  Still, insights are always welcome.

 

Serenity

I think @Athol_Kay has had some negative exeriences in this area, and can help.

(Welcome back.  I've been wondering where you'd gone.)

Josh

Does he want to fuck other women or is it more of a cuckold fetish thing?

Hamster_Free

aww, thanks, @Serenity!

">  Mostly I just wanted to think this whole situation through..but I'm still not reaching any good conclusions.  I read all that I could find from Athol on it, so I'm pretty sure I know how he'll answer.

He's open to the idea of fucking other women too, but he's really keyed up on the hot wife fantasy.  He tells me he loves me, married me, wants me, but loves the idea that other men find his wife hot enough to fuck too, and that's what (he says) really gets his jollies.

Mr_Brown

ALARMS ARE GOING OFF!!

I hate saying this but I am thinking he cheated on you?

Serenity

Hamster Free, I hope you're right, but my gut is saying there's something off here.  I think you'll have your answer if you decide to outright refuse him.  If he makes this a deal breaker to the marriage, you'll understand his priorities. 

It would be interesting to know how much porn he's been watching while he was gone.

Hamster_Free said:

aww, thanks, @Serenity!

">  Mostly I just wanted to think this whole situation through..but I'm still not reaching any good conclusions.  I read all that I could find from Athol on it, so I'm pretty sure I know how he'll answer.

He's open to the idea of fucking other women too, but he's really keyed up on the hot wife fantasy.  He tells me he loves me, married me, wants me, but loves the idea that other men find his wife hot enough to fuck too, and that's what (he says) really gets his jollies.

PhoenixDown

If YOU don't want to be screwing other guys, it doesn't MATTER what he wants. Period. 

If you don't want to do this, you need to shut it down. Tell him you made a mistake, and that you don't want to do it. 

And I'd say you need to shut it down even if you want to, because it's going to end in a world of hurt... But you've done the research, so you know that.

Hamster_Free

99.9% sure he's not cheating..he did it once before we were married, and was so overcome with guilt that he spilled the beans before I even had a clue.  I forgave him and we moved on. 

Porn while he was gone is a slim to nil, for overly identifying reasons that I won't go into.  I'm just pretty sure it wasn't a factor.

Hamster_Free

I know I could shut it down, and he'd grumble, but would stick to my wishes (though I fully anticipate some p/a grumbling about the hot sex life he COULD have had if his wife hadn't CHANGED HER MIND....).  The conflict is..the sex is MARKEDLY different when he's on the hot wife thing.  It IS the best sex we've ever had.  It makes me realize what *hasn't* been present in sex up till now (might have been a long time ago in the age of Before Kids, but I can't remember back that far).

I don't need public sex with other dudes, I wouldn't seek it out, but consider it because that's what gets him to full potential and gets me all the BSA (balls slappin ass) that I like.  I'm not terribly creeped out by the concept (I timidly once engaged in such behavior pre-Mr. Hamster-Free, and OK, we all enjoyed the pancake breakfast in the morning, but nothing else came of it). Yeah, it'd be a helluvan ego boost to have multiple other dudes lined up to conquer HamsterFreelandia...I'm just worried that one or both of us will find the grass a bit greener on someone else's lawn.  OK, and also a bit concerned that his wife goggles are a bit thick and that more chicks will be piling on him than will dudes on me. 

Ultimately, though, it all comes down to how is this going to impact my kids' lives?  In perfect theoretical execution, we go to the swing club monthly for years with the kids never being any the wiser about what Mommy and Daddy do on their date night.  We get fucked royally by other people and bring that novelty home and fuck the crap out of each other, the sun shines, the birds sing, and all is well.  It's the practical application that seems to mess things up, in my observation.  Conversations go well in your head. It's when you try to involve other people that they go south.  Same thing with polysex. 

Hamster_Free

and @redpillwifey has a really big point.

 

Ben

AWACS said:

If he has cuckold fetish, though, Kitten and I are just a plane flight away - I'll buy a cage to lock him in in advance. Other possible volunteers might include @Ben, @sf64 and some of his harem members, @leoslayer, etc, etc, etc

For the record:

@Ben does not fuck married women that @Ben is not married to.  Ever.  Period.

If your husband is stupid enough to give you a taste of @Ben, that's his lookout and his loss when you can't go back to cheap hamburger once you've tasted the steak.  But @Ben wouldn't want to live with the consequences to your children.

Notelrac

Tell him "I changed my mind."

Find some other way to get the hot monkey sex.  Monitor his cellphone, text, and computer to see whether he's already fucking on the side.

Alecto

There is nothing wrong with changing your mind about this.  It is too serious to go along with him if you're not equally into it.  Even for people who are both full-speed ahead, it can create problems down the road.  

That he was so ready to accuse you of having sex with someone else while he was gone makes me think that he was cheating.  It's classic projection.  I completely agree with @Notelrac.  Find some other way to make sex hot, and monitor him to make sure he's not already doing something or that he goes ahead without you.

Hamster_Free

I could be seriously naive here, but from how I know him, his suggesting that I had sex with another man just opened the door for him to broach Hot Wife again.  My cheating radar is not tripped at ALL.  I totally get where you all are coming from, though, and I would likely suggest the same if I was outside the situation.

NeoTheLeo

I think the fantasy that makes him all hot thinking about, in reality would screw him up and your marriage. 

Sometimes fantasy is best left as just that.  Maybe buy a male blow up doll and you both can pretend its another man.. *-:)

Changed_Man

Other than the high potential for complications that could lead to the demise of your marriage, another thing that could be setting off your alarms is this 'cuckolding fantasy', which by nature is uber-beta and not very attractive to you. Go with your gut and kill this in its tracks before it gets out of control.

Athol_Kay

Oy. He's not going to get it until it all blows up and you're gone.

Sex with other people doesn't make your communication better. IF your communication is poor and your marriage is weak, sex with other people will wreck your marriage.

 

leoslayer

Ok I'm in no way a hotwifer. I can point you to a site where they have a ladies only section and you could talk to those women privately.
I don't get the lifestyle myself. I've been in open relationships but we didn't talk about others it was don't ask don't tell type deal. Of course with those women we were only dating and had never been exclusive.

Don't do anything you don't want. You can always get a male real doll.

leoslayer

Oh one other thing. Most hotwives don't seem to go to swing clubs. They either meet men out or place ads. The guy gets screened by both spouses and then she either plays solo, mfm, or with hubby watching. So it is typically more private than a club and often will involve single men. Most end up with 2 or 3 fuck buddies they see on a regular basis. I don't know why this turns husbands on so much and they get pissed at me from time to time for the questions and comments I make over on that forum.

Hamster_Free

Update on this--I told him I didn't think it was a good idea.

He grumbled, and said that if I'm on the fence on something like that, to keep it to myself so as not to get his hopes up, but 'accepted' it.

A couple of weeks passed.

DH:  "Soo, how about going to one of 'those clubs' and just doing it while watching others?  We could learn a few things, they could learn a few things..they call it 'soft swapping'."

Me: "I don't think its a great idea."

DH: "I just love the idea of watching someone else seeing how hot you are.

DH:  "I bet lots of guys at your office want to fuck you."

Me: "I wouldn't know. 

Me: "I did get a bit more attention at the Christmas party [I went solo since he was working], but nothing inappropriate."

DH:  "Anyone you were interested in?"

Me: "No.  I'm married."

DH: "I know, but I want other guys to see what a hottie I have.  You're my trophy."

DH: "I could fuck beside you, watching somebody fuck you, and then come in and fuck him out of you when he's done."

Me:  "That isn't attractive to me in a husband.  I want you to be my protector.  I don't want to be the prize you take off the mantle and let your friends play with."

DH: "I WOULD be your protector.  If you see a guy that attracts you, I'd evaluate him and decide whether he's worthy of you or not."   

Me: 8-|

Me: "I don't think my girl brain would process that as you being my protector."

 

Seriously?  Again with the thinking that maybe he's right...maybe I just need to fuck around till I find the guy who won't want to share me.  I'm reactive, after all... just following the Captain's orders, right?

sheesh.

Serenity

Stand your ground.  You'll either lose him or............one day he'll thank you for keeping your sanity when he lost his.  As will your children.