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Comments
It is also routine in LDS for children beginning at age 12 to be subjected to closed-door "worthiness" interviews wherein the bishop interrogates young teens about whether or not they masturbate or have sexual thoughts. It wasn't until I left the church that I realized this was not normal or ok, and that it is in fact abusive. I only mention this to support the notion that in LDS culture normal, healthy boundaries are routinely trampled and violated.
Failure to recognize and enforce appropriate boundaries in clearly a huge problematic issue in the OP's family situation.
TL;DR - anything important should be communicated directly from you to your kids before your wife gets a chance to act.
You make excuse after excuse why you don't take action. I understand that you have been conditioned to believe that you are a passenger rather than the driver in your own life. By not stepping up and putting an immediate, non-ambiguous stop to your wife's battering of your children, you sent the message loud and clear that you don't care enough about your children to protect them. Your bishop doesn't care enough about your children to help them. Your wife certainly doesn't. The therapist doesn't. Why are you content to stand back and watch her destroy your babies?
I shall summarize my answers of yesterday:
1. Get a restraining order that will remove your wife from the home.
2. Flee.
Contact your local Domestic Violence shelter. They can certainly help with #1, although you may encounter local prejudices that "men just can't be battered." They may provide sub rosa help for #2.
but will appreciate ideas of how to confront and deal with an abuser in the moment.
Your local Domestic Violence shelter will give you advice. One that I have read about is that if your children are battered while you are not present to protect them, they secretly dial 911 on the house phone, put it on mute, and hide the phone. In their pocket, or in a drawer. The 911 dispatcher will hear the shouting and screaming and crying and upon getting no response to any of their questions proceed by determining the address and dispatch a police cruiser.
This will collect evidence not only from the 911 recording but also a police report from the responding officer.
Instead of taking positive action (taking the kids and fleeing your abusive wife, or having her removed from the home) you are here seeking advice, waiting for us to make the decisions for you. Or rather, to offer suggestions and have you shoot them down because they're too hard or they're too icky or they make you feel uncomfortable or because you might offend the bishop.
I think that deep down you are a good guy who loves his kids and wants to keep his family together. Unfortunately you have grown up in a culture which systematically removes your ability to recognize and effectively enforce appropriate boundaries.
Here is a list of things that are probably normal to you that are not normal, and in some cases are outright abusive:
Having to report to an authority what kind of underwear you have on in order to be considered "worthy" is not normal. It is abusive.
Requiring children as young as 12 years old to submit to closed door interviews with grown men who interrogate them about whether or not they have sexual thoughts and to shame them about masturbation is not ok or normal. Telling teenagers that masturbation and other sexual sins are so serious and awful that they are considered next to murder in seriousness in not ok. It is abusive.
Submitting to some church authority who tells you you are not "worthy" to attend your child's wedding because you didn't pay enough in tithing and other offerings is not normal. It is abusive.
You have been exposed to these practices and many, many more that people outside your culture would frankly find weird, insulting, and abusive. These are very serious boundary violations. It warps your thinking and takes away your motivation. It leads to constant approval-seeking from other people -- which we see here on nearly every post you make.
Another wrinkle to this story that I think most people don't fully grok is this: as a devotee of a fundamentalist religion that shames people for having sex outside of marriage (calling it "next to murder" in seriousness as a sin) and considers you "unworthy" if you masturbate, if you were to separate from and eventually divorce your wife, you would be setting yourself up for a life of celibacy, at least for a few years. That doesn't sound very appealing at all. If one were cynical, one might think you were sacrificing your children's welfare so you could continue to get your dick wet on a regular basis.
For the zillionth time -- you need to deal with this much more forcefully. If there is another episode where, for example, your wife punches your son in the face and bloodies his nose, you need to take him *immediately* to the emergency room for examination by a doctor, and you report to the doctor that his mother punched him in the face. Every time there is an incident, take your child to the ER and report the abuse to the doctor there. The doctor will notify the social worker. Every time. Did you bother to take your kid to the ER after your wife punched his lights out a few days ago? Or did you just decide he was ok?
Good idea if it merits actual medical attention. This is the only time we've ever had any blood or bruises, and I doubt my son would have gone with me--he's old enough to just say he's fine. With something on the record now, reporting to CFS, with photo evidence, should suffice unless it actually needs medical attention.
You're guilty of a "genetic fallacy" here. Disliking a person is not sufficient grounds for ignoring their message.
We gave you advice and support between January and last week without having to bring in your religious background. But now... it's relevant. The Mormon bishop, no matter how well intentioned, is tainted by his own past abuse history. If you have engaged LDS Social Services for your kids' therapy, then they will bring their own social bias into play.
So when someone with your social/cultural/religious background says
pay attention. Try and listen without automatically triggering the "Apostate here, no need to listen to anything they say" reflex.
Hello @Captaindude
You had asked for input on what to expect with your CPS visit. We recently had one. It was initiated due to too many visits to the ER (by the kids) in a short period of time. . The visit lasted about 30 minutes and here is what they did/required:
Looked in pantry, fridge & kitchen cabinets
Checked for childproof medicine cabinet
Checked front & back yard for safety issues
Asked to see room/s the children spent the most time in
Looked in the children’s bedrooms-checked cribs for sleeping/safety issues
Checked car seats
Asked to see :
Children’s birth certificates
Documentation of most recent physicals
Immunization records
Asked us about:
Children’s routines & schedules
Plans for schooling (we were not required to provide any documentation since all our children are under 7, the legal age where it is required in CO). If you have older kids, you should have that documentation.
Behavioral issues
Parenting philosophy
Who lived in the house
Who cared for the children
If they had been to the dentist
Feeding issues for baby& toddler
How the accidents/incidents happened
Asked children:
What they had to eat this morning
Who took care of them
Who else lived in the house
If anyone ever hit them
If anyone ever touched them inappropriately
If they ever got hungry
Where they slept at night
If they were going to school in the Fall
We got signed off on straight away, but if there are any issues or missing documents, it is often a 60/90 day pending to sign off.
I don’t know if any of that helps or not, but I am sorry you are going through this .
I went looking for my dreams outside of myself and discovered, it's not what the world holds for you, it's what you bring to it.
Anne Shirley - Anne of Avonlea
She can get up every morning at 5:15 and goes to the gym for an hour and a half.
What steps have you taken to verify that she is actually at the gym, and not somewhere else?