Hitting the Reset Button on my Marriage

Shimshon

I started out wanting to write of my entire experience starting from the below episode up to what I consider the final denouement the following April. But that would have taken forever! So I am presenting the below story that describes my true initiation to Game. My intent is not to disparage my wife. Women loathe beta husbands, we all know that. What I hope to convey is my belief, based on my own experience, that as long as your wife is still physically and emotionally faithful to you, even if she loathes your beta-tude to the core, it is possible to make her fall deeply in love with you all over again. But even if you don't, you will have so improved yourself in the process that you will have absolutely no problem finding another, more worthy, woman.

November 2011

At this point, my wife ("BF") and I had been living nearly full-time in separate bedrooms since early 2004 (this was at the 10 year mark). At first, it was because my snoring had bothered her, and me, the ever-agreeable AFC went along, and I set up a bed in what was formerly just my office. We still spent about the half the time together, but that declined. Slowly, at first, and then it cratered.

Things got worse, of course, and at some point, she had taken full possession of what was formerly our bedroom. She fiercely defended "her" domain from any intrusion, even mine, even to use our bathroom (even in my lowest state, I refused to surrender this prerogative of mine). My entrance into what I still maintained was our room was considered an invasion by her.

Almost exactly a year ago (November 2010), I told my wife I wanted divorce. After many months and years of agonizing frustration (the details which I won't go into here, but it was bad) I just wanted to pick up the pieces and move on. For the first time in a long time, she softened, and we talked; she wanted to try to reconcile and she proposed regular counseling with her therapist, who we sometimes went to together to fix what seemed to be eternal and unfixable problems. As far as therapists are concerned, she was pretty good, and ascribed to a therapy method that placed great focus on being able to maintain a dialog without reacting. This actually was great help later, as this is a central tenet of Game (call it state control or whatever, it was a major help, and this is crucial to have before you can do anything else). However, that was not enough to fix our marriage. I was still agreeable to a fault, constantly tripping over myself in supplication. I was a total doormat. And she treated me in the vicious manner women treat men who doormat themselves to them.

Shimshon

My introduction to Game was kind of circuitous and winding. I had read Vox Day's posts at his original blog on gender differences and the like for years. I remember when he launched AlphaGamePlan, but only checked out posts he linked to on Vox Popoli (the old blog). And I remember those posts being more theoretical in nature, with almost nothing on actually applying the principles to oneself. So, I didn't. But after a few months of things still going nowhere, I was beyond frustrated, and started sending long, whiny emails to my wife and therapist bringing this new-found knowledge to them, hoping my wife would just get it (yeah, right) and submit herself to me already so would could move on and be happy (yes, I really thought logical argument would work), and sometimes being quite biting in the process. Now that I think about it, I was extremely BITTER about my plight and angry about how my wife had completely and utterly emasculated me. I was deeply gamma. Once or twice these emails drove BF to tears. But obviously she didn't get it.

Many of these emails I would bcc to my best friend (AA, a true friend, as you'll see). At first, he was pretty shocked. I didn't mince words and used very charged words like submit, dominant, and the like, and it was jarring. But he knew of VP because I would mention the blog in our very frequent talks on the economy and (still) coming economic collapse.

He did read the links I sent him, and then more of AGP, and then he did something I didn't do at the time. He started following links to other blogs like Roissy. And he swallowed the Red Pill, HARD.

And that's where I found myself this cold November evening in 2011. Ready to divorce my wife, again. The reconciliation effort was an utter failure.

I was telling AA all of this. I had no problem with Red Pill truths, but taking initiative myself was an something I had not even considered. I finally realized that complaining of BF emasculating me was itself emasculating. He helped me see that since I had nothing left to lose, it was time to try something different, even drastic.

A year ago, when I told BF I wanted a divorce, she later told me I had seemed more attractive to her at that moment than in many years. I was befuddled at the time by this. It was my first introduction to a greater truth. It took a year, and a LOT of growth on my part (I think), but I realized if I seemed manly confidently telling her I didn't want her, doing exact the OPPOSITE (show how much I want her, but with action, not talk), might work. In short, I wasn't going to meekly ask for sex, I was going to demand it, in the most visceral way possible.

Shimshon

For a long time, as you can imagine, sex was just not discussed. You may as well have called it Voldemort. It was that which was not named, and merely raising the issue in any manner could put me in the doghouse for days on end. And asking for it? Fuggedaboutit! Once a month would be a very generous description. And it was cold. No kissing. No undressing. 100% pure duty sex. You can imagine she absolutely loathed it too, and practically hated me for wanting it.

I was going to make strong, bold move on my wife. And I was scared to DEATH. My wife was an emotional train wreck. She had a horrific upbringing. I was constantly afraid of me or our sons doing something to set her off. And when that happened she was LOUD. Neighbors could hear her screaming. She was also three inches taller and fifty pounds heavier than me, being quite a bit overweight while I had lost 30lbs over the previous year. Physically, she was extremely intimidating, especially when angry, and she had a very serious temper. She wasn't so young anymore (37yo at this time, we had been married 17 years at that point), but one of her occupations was physically demanding (so even today she is fairly strong, despite her age), and back in high school she was on the MEN'S swimming, wrestling, and FOOTBALL teams. When I met her, I thought it was cool. What on earth was I thinking?! Anyway, I was very afraid of things getting physical and ME getting hurt!

The original plan that I was girding up the courage to act on, was to make a move on her as soon as the kids were asleep. As it happens, when I arrived home, she said she was going to a friend's birthday party, which turned out to be a very fortuitous occurrence. And extremely unusual. She NEVER went out. NEVER. I was in a genuinely good mood (just preparing for action did that to me) and was especially friendly and cheerful to her told her not to worry, I would take care of the kids and she should have a good time. After BF left, she even messaged me that she noticed and appreciated my good mood.

I wasn't sure how late she would get home, but my newly revised plan was to move into our bed in our room (she got the queen-sized bed too) and wait for her. At some point, it was clear she was returning later than I figured. Since I couldn't sleep, I got up and went back to my computer in my office, but left my stuff on the bed.

When she finally came home, around midnight, she immediately saw the dishes I had cleaned (they had been sitting there for a very long time) and I could hear her marveling over how much work I had done and how great the kitchen looked. The kids were asleep. The house was calm. She was in a very light and happy mood, which was pretty rare by this time.

She was taking too long to get to "her" room, so I got up to go see her in the kitchen and say hello. She still didn't know what was going on, as nothing seemed out of the ordinary yet. We small-talked for a few minutes and agreed to watch the latest episode of our show (Big Bang Theory) together, as we hadn't watched it earlier before she went out. I went to "my" room to get ready to watch the show, and BF went to "her" room to get into her nightgown.

This is where things got interesting.

Shimshon

It turns out I didn't have to make a move at all. I left my pillows and blanket there, and BF picked them and brought them to me, more than slightly agitated, asking what the deal was and just what the hell I was doing.

I had to really, really psych myself up for this moment, as it was just so not me it would have been easy to fall back and let her get her way. But I had, finally, donned my manhood and girded my loins. I had taken on the personality of an Alpha male. It was hard to go so against my practically innate Nice Guy nature, but what did I have to lose?

I was in my office chair facing my computer (away from her), and very slowly and deliberately, turned around, stood up, and walked right up to her. She was now very scared. I was standing fully erect, as close as I could get to her, inches away.

She was on the border of panicking. I was ready and able and willing to go just as far with her as I felt I could. I was ready to drag her to our room and have my way with her.

It never got that far, of course. In hindsight I realized it never had to. All that mattered was that I was ready and resolved to, and she knew it.

She said three things of increasing desperation in quick succession.

First, she said she had her period and I was obligated to believe her. As Orthodox Jews, we separate during and for a time after a woman's period, and a husband can't exactly doubt a woman's affirmation of this. (Please ignore this otherwise irrelevant fact and refrain from slurs about Judaism, okay? I included this bit because I think all the things she said at this point are illustrative.) I stood my ground, as it was so obviously false.

Then, she said she would hit me. I laughed and told her any bruise I got as a result would be a badge of honor.

Then she said she was going to call the police. I laughed again. I joked that the police (if they bothered to come; you can barely get them on the phone even during working hours) would take one look at the two of us and restrain HER.

She then said she was going to sleep in my bed in the office (where we were standing now). I told her I would just follow her there.

Shimshon

It turned out that this was as far as I needed to go. I never backed down. But I never crossed the line I knew was there. An actual physical confrontation would have been ugly, even if I could ultimately best her (which I thought I could do, even given her physical strength compared to other women).

At this point, she called our rabbi (he's my ex-rabbi now), who is always up very late. I stood over her, not crossing the line, but keeping close by, while she talked with him.

She told him her version of what just happened. He told her to get out of the house. He even offered that she could come to his place for the night. But it was too late for that.

This is why it was fortuitous that she went out and returned so late. We don't own a car, the busses (and even taxis) had stopped running. The rabbi lives 45 minutes away, and he doesn't own a car either. She was literally stuck if she refused to call a neighbor or nearby friend with a car, which she didn't want to do. She had to decide if she felt safe enough to stay home, regardless of how aggressive or threatening she felt I was, or if she really needed to call a friend at 1am (any friend she would have called has at least six kids, you can understand how much of an imposition this would be).

I told her that if she slept in the kids' room, I would leave her alone, and she trusted me enough to accept that.

Unsurprisingly, because I maintained calm the entire time ("be her anchor"), she was able to calm down herself and assess the situation a bit more rationally. She decided to stay home. Literally five minutes after threatening to call the police at a pretty good yell.

Had this occurred any earlier, she certainly would have bolted reflexively, and our marriage would have been doomed right then and there. And none of what transpired next would have happened otherwise. We both went to sleep. Me back in our bed, and her on a spare mattress in our kids' room.

Shimshon

The aftermath the next morning was astounding.

We woke up, sent the kids to school, and talked, calmly.

Completely unprompted by me, she gave up the room. Not only didn't she put up a fight, she insisted I take it. I earned it (she actually said that). This was such a shock to me that I almost blew it by tepidly reverting to my old agreeable self and telling her it wasn't necessary, but (thankfully) she would hear nothing of it. It was now mine (or ours,as I emphasized often). She still wouldn't sleep in the same bed with me, yet (and the room wasn't big enough for a second bed, even a small one). A few days later, another effect manifested. There was suddenly more sex. It was still sporadic, but it was a hell of a lot more than monthly. And she would spend more than a few nights in the same bed, even with no sex.

As far as myself, I could immediately feel the the anger, pain, and bitterness start to dissipate. It was still many months before it would be gone altogether. Still, goodbye gamma-tude. Further, I felt a profound and sustained increase in my love and desire for my wife, far beyond the attenuated level it had been at for years. For the first time possibly ever, I felt my full love and desire for her bloom (and yes, despite everything, she does have many good qualities).

Even though I toyed with the idea for months after this (and at one point did actually file for it), the immediate need for a divorce was gone. I was now ready to do more, and take my lumps along the way to becoming the best man I could be. At this point, I figured even if we did divorce eventually, I will never have a better opportunity to work on my game than with her. She was the biggest, baddest woman in town, and if I could game her, I could game ANYONE.

It was such a bold and effective act that had I actively worked on my Game from that point, rather than coast like I did for about a month (not having fully understood it), it (possibly) would have saved many months of further heartache to come (which has since been resolved).

I did coast. And make mistakes. Many times. And this is just the briefest snippet of what I went through to improve my game and ultimately repair what by any standard was a twice-failed marriage. This was, despite mistakes that followed, a nearly literal reset button on my marriage.

Shimshon

I tried to explain Game and why I did what I did to our therapist, but it just didn't penetrate. No surprise. To this day, she credits her peerless talent (my wife concurs, of course; go Team Women!) for what even she admits is a miraculous turnaround. Probably the greatest she has witnessed in all her years of marriage therapy.

Over the next five months, AA and I spent immense amounts of time together. In addition to working on my own relationship and inner game, he worked on his. Even though his marriage was pretty good, he could see radical improvement as well. We talked constantly. I started following all the links from AGP, starting with Roissy's 16 Commandments. I was a voracious reader. And I applied everything we read and discussed. We both agreed. Game was big. Far bigger than even the upcoming financial collapse. Seriously.

What happened after this was also no less incredible. Maybe I'll write more some other time.

PhoenixDown

Amazing story. Welcome!

Joskin_Nodd

@Shimshon: "and angry about how my wife had completely and utterly emasculated me"

You mean, how you had completely and utterly emasculated yourself, yes? I don't think your wife did that to you.

"Please ignore this otherwise irrelevant fact and refrain from slurs about Judaism"

Yeah, you must not spend a lot of time around here, I don't think that would be likely to happen. 

That being said, awesome story. Thanks for sharing, look forward to the next part, should you choose to share it. 

Shimshon

@Joskin_Nod, if you read further, I bring up the realization that complaining about being emasculated is...emasculating. Yes, I did it to myself. I willingly handed all the power to her from the beginning. This was the start of a radical process to take it all back, and she fought every step of the way.

Regarding the Judaism bit. Some commenters at some blogs can't seem to refrain from making snide comments anytime I mention something Jewish.

zeroday

great story...

pastorgeek

@Shimshon - Wonderful account. Is there more?

Athol_Kay

Shimshon said:

Regarding the Judaism bit. Some commenters at some blogs can't seem to refrain from making snide comments anytime I mention something Jewish.

Please let me know if that happens here.

I make no secret that I'm atheist, but the topic of MMSL is "marriage". If the religous belief is clearly interering with the relationship, then it's part of the discussion, otherwise that's it. But cheap shots aren't welcome.

DrumHorn

@Shimshon,

@Thunder is another Orthodox Jew on the board that you might want to share stories and experiences with.

thunder

Interesting story @Shimshon.  Fellow Orthodox Jew here (although I have  been really struggling the last few years with my faith and religion in general).

What you describe is really dysfunctional and far beyond the norms of a relationship.  Especially an Orthodox one.  Lying about her period is one of the biggest no-no's I can possibly think of between an orthodox couple.

Was it just your beta-tude that completely turned her off?  And adding alpha - poof - cured it all so fast and easily?

What you described - especially her screaming episodes sounds very bi-polar to me but I am far from an expert.

I hope you continue to have success - but don't ever let yourself get to the point where you were previously.  Never again.  Keep your self respect above all else.

Shimshon

I have been away dealing with life but I can now focus more on this thread if anyone is interested.

@Thunder, I am quite aware of just how dysfunctional my relationship was. It was bad. I had beta-cized myself to, really, quite an astonishing degree. There is a lot I left out, including issues with an IUD and birth control pills, which caused nearly continuous bleeding for a full 15 months, before it started tapering off to the point she could go to the mikvah. Then, when it finally started waning, she skipped THREE mikvah dates. She denied doing so but I know what I saw. Which is why I was intent on divorcing her come November 2011, even though she had finally dunked in September (and had promptly kicked me out of our room a few days later). However, I am a very forgiving person by nature, and once it was clear Game was working as advertised (even better, really), I was happy to forgive and move on.

As an aside, do you want to talk privately?

Looking back, yes, my utter beta-tude not only turned her off, it completely disgusted her.

The incident above was not enough, but that's only because I had no inner game. However, here is how explosively effective it was. Keep in mind, I had done absolutely nothing after this incident. I hadn't started reading the blogs, learning anything, or working on my inner game at all.

Over the next week, we had sex three times, each time offered by her without my prompting at all. Then, I started asking for sex, and I got it nearly every time I asked (yes, asking is beta). For TWO FULL WEEKS. Twelve times. Two weeks. It was ridiculous. I would sweetly ask. And she would kind of look at me with a "Really? Again?" look, but then agree. Only after two weeks of this absurd situation did she finally tire of it and blow up.

This is where I really messed up (coasted, as I said above). I have no idea how things would have worked out had I actually been working on my Game the whole time, but now I had to work even harder to show I was serious about taking back the captain's chair from her.

But still, I am absolutely convinced this one act is what led to my getting basically sex on demand for two full weeks. And this wasn't until two weeks after the incident.

Later, when we discussed this episode in therapy, she was asked just why she was so open to sex for that period. The hamster wheel spun furiously fast, as she obviously had no idea at all why she did it and couldn't exactly say her husband gamed her. She said, with a perfectly straight face, it was an experiment to see if I would ever relent or stop asking. You know, get my fill, or something like that. Talk about side-splittingly hilarious hamsterization.

Shimshon

I have more to write, but I want to cut to the chase. Perhaps it will be an inspiration for those men who are in the shoes I was in (a very painful and lonely place to be).

My wife is easily the highest-maintenance woman I have ever met or had the opportunity to be in a relationship with (and before her, I knew about a dozen women over the years who were certainly interested - something else to write about). This has not changed. It will never be ideal, but then, what relationship is? And Game changed everything about how I handle being married to her.

I am happy. Happier than I have been in many years. So is my wife. We are both more in love with each other than ever. My wife used to spend huge amounts of time in bed, practically catatonic, sleeping, reading books, or watching videos. Now? She pushes herself harder than ever, works more than ever, and pulls her weight in the running of our home. She defers to me on everything of importance.

She still has many hangups about sex. I believe those issues predate me. But she is working on them. She enjoys sex more. For the last year, sex has been an average of twice weekly. She knows that less than twice weekly I become a very irritable and angry husband, and less than weekly she risks divorce. A couple of weeks, three times. About four weeks, once. So, very consistently, twice a week. Would I like more? Sure! Nonetheless, I am absolutely ecstatic, because I personally know how bad a virtually sexless marriage can be, and also that twice-weekly sex at the 19 year point is considered not just normal, but quite healthy. Long term, I only see this increasing too.

We don't even go to therapy anymore! Even just two months ago, she was still convinced that therapy is what was keeping us together. She was paying for it out of her income, but still. The therapy was ridiculously expensive and it will be nice to spend the money on other things. Also, on her own initiative, she is talking about reducing her SSRI consumption (which I think she doesn't need at all; what she really needed was a man instead of a doormat for a husband).