That sweet moment when you know it's working

Ben

Fair enough.  Maybe I was just being naive, thinking that I could get us to where I need us to be without a lot of drama.  Well, even if that's what I was hoping for, I've at least reached a place where I'm not afraid to go through the drama to get where I need to be, and that's progress.

Thanks for the kind words, Joskin.

Athol_Kay

I guess I'm in Phase 4.  I never wanted this.  I know this is necessary, because I've SEEN that it doesn't work when I let her be the one in charge.  I know this is the right thing to do.  But I've got to be honest with you, people, this kind of scares the piss out of me.

Phase Four tends to be a defining ultimatium of what you insist is a minimum requirement for your spouse to continue the relationship.

Ben

Phase 4 Lite, maybe?  (-:  I was actually looking through the MAP timeline portion of the 2011 Primer for guidance today (and just to make sure I had my terms straight in my own head).  It says in there that the threat to leave may be implied, and it's definitely that.  She's the one who brought it up ("I'm scared that you're leaving me") and I reassured her that I wouldn't be working this hard to find solutions to our sex problems if I were planning to leave tomorrow... but that leaves open the implication that these ARE relationship-threatening problems that need to be addressed.  We've also been looking into buying a house together (we currently rent) and I told her that part of what spurred me to do this is that I want to be sure everything is as right between us as it can possibly be before entering that level of financial commitment with her.

I sort of stumbled into this half-assed, but I think that the next thing for me to do is to sit her down and actually give her a more definitive list of what I expect from her.  We've talked about setting "goals for the relationship" so if I do it in a calmer, more organized way this time I think it should blindside us both a little less.

pocketaces

I like short and sweet. I settled on respect and sex on demand.

Whatever you settle on be prepared to defend it.

Athol_Kay

@Ben ; "I'm scared you're leaving me" = You're deep into Phase Three and she's fishing to find out what your Phase Four demand/plan is.

Compass

Ben, if you figure out what the random discomfort from sex is - please post as we have been experiencing the same thing. She is actually going to another specialist this Thursday. If anything comes from it I'll post it.

 

Linanati

eagleclaw

Have they checked for ovarian cysts?  That can cause seemingly random pain during sex, and they're pretty common among women of childbearing age.  FYI, that doesn't mean cancer or anything like that.  It's typically caused by a hormonal imbalance.

TK421

Speaking of it "working" last month we set a 5-year record for the most times sexing in one month. Haven't done it that much since we were newlyweds. She commented, "where is all this new sexiness coming from every day??" and also mentioned that we need to make a trip to the local sex shop. I told her "I just can't keep my hands off you." Then we did it and I left her panting.

berbs

My most recent reminder that I've come a long way:

Last night we managed to get to bed a little earlier than we have been lately. My wife was tired from the previous night, which had her up and nursing the baby more than usual.  

We were laying in bed, kissing, and she said,  “no oral sexing tonight, ok?”. 

I replied, with fake exacerbation: “<sigh> FINE. Regular sexing it is then”.  

She laughed, and said “no regular sexing tonight, either”.  I was totally ok with this, and it showed in my tone and face. I kissed her again and told her I loved her. 

She kissed me back, looked at me, and said, “I love you so, so much.” She then said: “You know, you've changed a lot since we first got married. You look different — you're more confident and commanding.” 

Me: “And you like that, don't you?” 

Her: <kisses me hard>

End scene.

Serenity

Yay!  @berbs.  That is so sweet!

Joskin_Nodd

@steu2817: "Come to think of it, I may have to nip that in the bud. Initiating sex is MY job! "

If she appears in the doorway buck naked, then your alpha self did initiate. You're so on, you don't even notice. 

And she HATES being naked when she's not in the mood. She likes being naked when she's feeling sexy and horny. 

Good job.

Help_This_Man

My recent success - 3 days in a row.  Day 1 - success.  Day 2 - success.  Day 3 - I'm busy all day and don't do any texting or anything to warm her up, she's had a stressful day where nothing went right, is tired, and comes to bed in frumpy pajamas and t-shirt.  Pre-MAP I would have figured "no chance tonight", but I decide to do a little beta (dessert in bed, foot massage) and then initiate.  She replies "We've had sex the last two nights".  I say "yeah, and I want you tonight".  She concedes and says "Ok, but what if you want me every night".  I say "You'll do your best" with a smile and then go to town.

We're not setting the world on fire, but it's an improvement.  On day 3 I remember lying there thinking no way, but figured an alpha would go after what he wants - I did, and I couldn't believe it worked.  Biggest obstacles I've overcome so far - 1) accepting I will have to do the lionshare of initiating and anything from her is a bonus at this point, and 2) not expressing frustration if denied. 

fredless

Last night, we're in the pool, post-sex (she initiated the entire idea), talking about how good are marriage is now.  My wife commented that there are "lulls" in every marriage.  She brought up the time we were close to divorce and went to counseling.  Counseling saved our marriage except that sex never really increased.  I pointed that out to her as we now have sex 3-4 times per week.

My wife, who knows nothing of red pill/blue pill innocently commented, "I'm really enjoying sex now.  I didn't for years."  I asked her what changed and she replied, "I don't know."  I could have taken the moment to tell her that I've been running a MAP for about 15 months, I've changed, and the alpha I was when we first met is back again.  Instead, I just smiled and brought her in for a kiss.

alpha_runner

I had a nice reminder that I'm doing things right and not making the mistakes I made in previous relationships when we ate out at a restaurant this weekend. There was a couple at a nearby table where the poor guy was getting all sorts of verbal shit and moaning thrown at him by his woman. She wasn't shy about being overheard, to extent that you'd believe that she wanted the whole restaurant to know what a useless man she thought he was. He just sat there looking sheepish and chastised. My missis turned to me and said 'Wow! I don't think there's any way I could ever see you putting up with that sort shit from me!' Nice :-)

BoneDaddyJive

I'm technically in month two of MAP, and hardly getting any sex after a strong start in month 1. But there is a legitimate reason. Mrs Jive is recovering from minor surgery and recuperation is taking a toll on her pelvic region.
So, this is a great time to amp up the beta (helping with PT generally keeping her comfortable). I did get a duty HJ yesterday, but alpha jive sex domination would just be unpleasant this month.
I am keeping up the goofy and groping and 10 second kisses with the explicit understanding that she is not safe during September.
She's on board with that, so hopefully tha hamster will stay in its cage.

Dasugo

For me, it was going from waiting to see if she was in the mood or I had a window to get some sex to letting her know that I wanted to jump on that sexy ass tonight. 

Actually sending a text promising her a night of rough sex and seeing her delighted reply. 

My wife was VERY responsive to me. the problem wasn't her. It was me. Change me and get more sex and loving feeling. 

fredless

Another example--
My wife tends to wear frumpy clothes to bed.  About a week ago, after sex, we were falling asleep and she was only in her panties.  I told her that from now on, this is how I want her to come to bed for the night.

She has come to be every night since only in her panties.  On one occasion, she was getting into bed in a t-shirt and panties and I just looked at her and pointed at the shirt and she immediately took it off.

My life simply continues to improve.

TwistedMartini

Sorry if this is a little long, but I had a pretty cool weekend that reaffirmed that what I am doing is working!  

Background is here and here.  I have been running the MAP since about the middle of July-primarily no longer waiting on her, weight training, reduced masturbation and porn, and trying to add alpha as best I can.  I have had a few eyebrow raising moments along the way-I stopped making coffee for her every night before bed, bought a new shirt on my own for a wedding etc.  

So this weekend, I wanted to go to a local festival Fri evening and then head downtown to hang out with my friends.  I asked her if she wanted to go to the festival and she said no.  I wavered but finally stood my ground and let her pout and go somewhere else for dinner.  To my surprise, she was awake when I got home about 1030 (she gets up really early for work) and we had a nice conversation.  No initiation and off to bed we went.

Normally, I am the one to initiate a "date" and I get a lot of no's and finally she will acquiesce, usually on a Sunday night.  My plan was to work her early Sunday for a date Sunday night.  So to my shock and surprise. she declared that we were going to see a movie on Saturday night.  We talked about it and finally agreed on watching Inception at home.  I cooked a great dinner, steak and baked taters and we settled in to watch the movie.  We both had a couple glasses of wine but I still said nothing about a date.

After the movie, she started watching Millionaire Matchmaker and I said I was tired and went upstairs.  Again, to my shock and surprise, she came upstairs and proceeded to take all her clothes off and plop down on the bed asking for a backrub.  Highly unusual as the lights were still on!  We had a great session after that.

The biggest shock came Sunday AM.  I had made arrangements Sat to meets some friends for a breakfast ride on the motorcycle.  I asked my son if he wanted to come and she chirped up that she wanted to come.  So i said that would be great, fully expecting her to bail out when the time came.  So Sunday AM I get up at 7 and tell her to get up.  She says she wants to sleep in and I say that's fine so I move into the bathroom to get ready.  5 minutes later, there she is up and getting ready too!  Understand that she NEVER wants to ride on the bike, too dangerous, too many people she sees maimed killed, etc.  We had an amazing morning on the ride, breakfast, etc.  

I know it is a marathon not a sprint and there will be setbacks, but I am totally committed to moving this forward.  Sunday I got her a card telling her what a great weekend I had and how I looked forward to seeing more of her adventuresome and fun-loving side.  

pocketaces

Great up until the card.

Angeline

I winced when I read the card part. Literally winced. Minor setback. Ask her "who's sending you mushy cards!? Now I'll have to kick his ass."