Things are bad, and I need some help. Please.

24

Comments

  • Did I say don't leave the house?

    get the papers drawn up, sit her cheating ass down & calmly spell it out to her

    I know you have cheated on me and accept no responsibility for your actions, only you can accept these

    tell me what's been happening & why ?

    Expect a shit fest ,tears and trickle truth here

    ignore the tears and analyse her words and her reactions

    spell out your action plan and that non compliance = papers

    Because she is not attracted to you is NOT Always YOUR fault , sometimes they change Too. Map like a Mofo, initiate as much as possible if she still rejects you ? Read this again.
  • oldfarmboyoldfarmboy Member Posts: 15
    I think the biggest danger I have is that I will shift too much of this onto myself. I know I created the conditions that let this flourish. It's like leaving raw met on your counter for a day. Yeah, you might get lucky and it might be fine, but what are the odds of that? Well, if you're the one who left that meat sit out, do you blame the meat for going rotten?

    One of the biggest challenges of the MAP is understanding what your weaknesses are, and then working to fix them. @Scarlet, @Ben, and @Templar, all of you have pointed out a weakness that I hadn't given much thought.

    @Athol_Kay, I don't know if the wedding incident had anything to do with any sexual abuse, it seemed more like an unpleasant reminder that her mother couldn't be there. And yes, this relationship started as me cheating on an old gf, and yes, I did commit the first EA. I know this relationship would be vastly different had that EA not happened - that's what sent me into hyper-beta mode.
  • ScarletScarlet Category Moderator** Posts: 7,542
    She's absolutely at fault for her actions; it's just that you're at fault for yours too.

    Ultimately the question is, can you go forward from here?  Taking ownership of your role allows you to make that decision, because it gives you power in shaping the marriage to come. 
    Speak your truth. 
    willieLinanatiChanged_Man
  • TemplarTemplar WashingtonSilver Member Posts: 3,371
    You made some big mistakes, but you didn't force her legs apart so some guy could screw her. If you are going to save this - and you need to decide if you want to - you are going to have to become strong NOW. ALL GNO's are done. NO GOING TO BARS. NO SOCIAL LIFE THAT DOES NOT INCLUDE YOU.

    Your first and biggest decision is whether you can move past what she has done - and believe me - you likely don't know the half of it yet. She needs to come clean - completely. At that point if you cannot forgive her, you need to get out WITH THE CHILDREN ASAP. You have seen what it does to kids who see mommy screwing any guy with a johnson. Do you want your kids raised like that?

    Trust will be amazingly hard to rebuild - if you decide to hang in there.
    Linanati[Deleted User]Changed_Man
  • ScarletScarlet Category Moderator** Posts: 7,542
    This is going to sound like odd advice, but given your mention of a few things I think we have similar backgrounds:  join the local ELCA church.  I'm not particularly religious, but that's the beauty of it.  ELCA is pretty low-key on the religion thing; they're more like "be good to one another; coffee and cookies will served in the basement after the service."  (You have to say that in a Fargo accent, btw.)  Anyway, the point is that it's friendly and non-threatening, but most importantly it will introduce you to more people whose lives don't revolve around bars.  Also, the lefse is excellent. 
    Speak your truth. 
    TemplarHildaCorners
  • BenBen Silver Member Posts: 3,651
    For the record, I didn't mean to imply that your infidelity actually justifies hers, just that that's the logic her Hamster uses it to justify it to herself.  Two wrongs and all that.

    ---

    In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.
    Scarlet[Deleted User]Changed_Man
  • ichabodichabod Member Posts: 943
    edited February 2013
    Wow.  Red flags, red flashing lights - everywhere.  Sorry mate.  Do you really want to try to salvage a relationship with a woman that has serious marital fidelity issues?  At least for me, first strike you're out is the rule, kids or not.  I couldn't live with it.  I'll be the guy at 78 that discovers his wife's infidelity from 20 years ago and will get divorced, then and there - even if I'm on dialysis and a respirator.

    Now. You have also fucked around so that might be a mitigating factor for you, but it would seem - at least from your description - that you are the one that can keep his skivvies on more times than not.  Kids notwithstanding.

    Don't.Expect.A.Miracle.

    That is all.
    Never listen to what a women says she prefers in men; instead, watch what she does.
    spanky
  • LinanatiLinanati Member Posts: 1,553
    @Scarlet ; What's ELCA stand for?
  • berbsberbs Member Posts: 62
    edited February 2013
    @Linanati: Evangelical Lutheran Church of America. It's one of the more liberal Lutheran denominations in the U.S., and on of many Luteran churches that you'll find in the upper-Midwest (insert Garrison Keillor joke here).
    Scarlet
  • IceManIceMan CASilver Member Posts: 621

    OldFamBoy said:

    I think the biggest danger I have is that I will shift too much of this onto myself. I know I created the conditions that let this flourish. It's like leaving raw met on your counter for a day. Yeah, you might get lucky and it might be fine, but what are the odds of that? Well, if you're the one who left that meat sit out, do you blame the meat for going rotten?

    Yu did screw up but if you take responsibility for her cheating yuo are sending the message to go ahead. She needs to be held accountable for her actions. You already applogized and groveled for your indicresion and she is using this to justify her cheating. Do not do this anymore.

    I am so sorry about your situation, a lot of us know the pain. Stay strong.

    "Calm seas never made a good sailor" English Proverb

    "We can not fix a problem with the same level of thinking that caused it" A. Einstein

    BigChuck
  • LinanatiLinanati Member Posts: 1,553
    berbs said:
    @Linanati: Evangelical Lutheran Church of America. It's one of the more liberal Lutheran denominations in the U.S., and on of many Luteran churches that you'll find in the upper-Midwest (insert Garrison Keillor joke here).

    Ah, thanks.  I'd thought for sure the 'E' couldn't stand for 'Evangelical' since @Scarlet seemed to be saying that they don't threaten you with hell if you don't think the same way they do.  >:)  

    Maybe my husband and I will wander over with the kids one Sunday and check it out, if there's one around here.  We had wanted to try out a Unitarian church but there isn't one close enough for us to go.  We just sorta thought it would be nice for the kids to be part of a community where they have certain values, such as how you treat other people, but without the indoctrination, "You MUST believe this!"  We'd prefer they make up their own minds when they get older.

  • ScarletScarlet Category Moderator** Posts: 7,542
    It's a great non-hateful denomination, @Linanati.  :)  
    Speak your truth. 
  • LinanatiLinanati Member Posts: 1,553
    @Scarlet ; Good to know!  :-)
  • here2playhere2play Member Posts: 716
    people that  have been abused that have gone on to screw anyone that gives them attention and strokes have no natural boundries or concepts of normal, acceptable behaviour.  the part of them that tells them it isnt ok to screw any drunken Tom, Dick and Harry that gives them a wink has been damaged, they are incapable of setting and  following their own  boundaries in a healthy fashion.   they cannot self-regulate.

    of course many can go on to have healthy, faithful relationships but they need their partner to set the bar on what is and what is not acceptable behavior.  In other words YOU are going to have to be the one that sets the hard boundaries and strictly monitor and enforce them.  You can't  leave it up to her to self-regulate her sexuality.  Her moral compass and concept of healthy sexuality were severely damaged long ago.  

    You haven't been doing an adequate job so far (you probably just assumed she would behave like a normal person so I'm not knocking you)  what you need to do now is determine if you want to take  on the task of being her 24/7 bodyguard or not.
    ScarletLinanatishanna_bananaoldfarmboy
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