Things are bad, and I need some help. Please.

13

Comments

  • TemplarTemplar WashingtonSilver Member Posts: 3,371
    Good luck. Maintain frame. Do not let her deflect or distract you.
  • _io_io Silver Member Posts: 1,821
    edited February 2013
    Second on maintaining frame.  You must stay firm but calm.  Any emotional outbursts on your part are simply hamster toeholds for her.   Do not allow this.  
    Templar
  • spankyspanky Flying around Silver Member Posts: 2,267
    Be willing to hear what you don't want to hear. Don't force things, say what you need, maintain strong calm focused demeanor and let go of an outcome. Good luck
  • williewillie Oklahoma Silver Member Posts: 518
    Good luck.  

    I want to chime in and say it seems really likely she has some sexual abuse in her past.  I've seen this a lot, and it really affects a woman's ability to bond and her sexual boundaries.  
    _ioAthol_KayScarletshanna_banana
  • DanGDanG Member Posts: 1,519
    The Hamster has listened and WILL be getting back to you - one way or another.

    hopingformore
  • DanGDanG Member Posts: 1,519
    Re: "don't you think that your relationship would benefit from it?"

    Possibly not. There are a LOT of bad counselors out there. IME, you have to have had some expererince with both the good and the bad to know the difference. I've experienced counselors with whom it became obvious that they were in the business of "counseling." Just as I go to a dentist who keeps trying to sell me gold crowns and wisdom tooth removal - when all has been, and continues to be, just fine.


    Mrs. OldFarmBoy sounds like she definitely has a history of sexual abuse (at some time in her life) and/or alcohol related problems. BUT, initially we need to get some engaged response from her. That is yet to be seen.

  • oldfarmboyoldfarmboy Member Posts: 15
    edited February 2013
    So, a new twist. Last night I basically repeated what I said the night before: awesome life, kids a part, if you want a part you need to stop and fix, etc. Her response was, again, nothing at first. Then I gently said "I need you to communicate." Her response was "I don't know. I don't know what I want."

    Ugh.

    Fine, whatever, I'm going to bed. This morning after I leave for work, I decided to check the history on her computer. Not good. She did a little light searching for apartments, and a little light searching on how to survive a divorce.

    Strange thing is, her actions and attitude this morning were much less cold. I made the decision and set p marriage counseling, but there's a catch: this particular MC requires each to meet with her individually for the first session. I set up my time, and called her at work, sent her the link for the MC, and told her I had set up a session, and that she should do the same. Her response was a "not while I'm a work", but I won't get to see her until I'm done tonight at 10.

    But what the hell kind of hamster trick is "I don't know what I want?"
  • DanGDanG Member Posts: 1,519
    I'm sorry to say this, if she wanted you - was attracted to you - she would "know" what she wants. Remember, woman have "responsive" desire. Her current response to 'what is going on' right now is to search on divorce options and appartments. That is not to say that her "response" won't/can't change or be changed. Really, it/they is that "simple."

  • hopingformorehopingformore Member Posts: 666
    haniel said:
    "I don't know what I want" was not her response.

     "She did a little light searching for apartments, and a little light searching on how to survive a divorce." was her response.

    But all that says is that she doesn't know what she wants... doesn't it?? 

    OP, I think you are doing great.  Good move on the fridge, great on the water line... keep it up.  You'll be okay through this.  Long road ahead no matter what route it takes but you will be okay.


    JellyBean
  • NotelracNotelrac Member Posts: 3,517
    edited March 2013
    Switch to a marital mediator.  At the first meeting, have the mediator lay out what the consequences to her income and lifestyle will be if she pushes through to a divorce.

    The "little light searching" means that she's off in la-la land and coasting through in a fantasy about how wonderful life would be if she were living alone and carefree.  Martial counseling will not work until she is shocked back to reality.

    The obvious risk is that you will find out that the improvements to your mental health and lifestyle will be so vastly improved by divorce that you will be the one not interested in working on the relationship, but that's the consequence of her opening this can of worms.

     

  • Athol_KayAthol_Kay My Underground LairPosts: 8,046
    But what the hell kind of hamster trick is "I don't know what I want?"


    It means, "What are you going to do?"

    You're the Captain.

     One Hour Call   12-Week Guided MAP

    "The turnaround is tremendous.  And I'm lifting weights, eating better, and tackling projects.  I have all this great energy without a vampire sucking my life force.  :)  He's a lot stronger standing on his own two feet, as well."  - Scarlet

    SerenityTemplarChanged_ManUnderhill
  • SerenitySerenity Senior Moderator** Posts: 11,358
    To me,

    I don't know what I want  =  I want to feel in love and attracted to my husband again, but I don't think it's possible anymore.  Please make things better again.
    Natalie_LorinwillieHildaCornersSerendipity
  • oldfarmboyoldfarmboy Member Posts: 15
    Major shit test tonight. One of her friends came over while I was at work; found this out at work when I called home. I had the feeling that she was going to try the "gonna go out". Feelings grew and grew, and then were confirmed when I got home and she was more "loving" than she has been the last few days. Got a hug, and a kiss. Chatted a bit, then she stated that she was "gonna go out for a little bit". My reaction was quick, with a look that said that this wasn't going to happen. She asked if we needed to go talk alone, and I said yes, leading the way. She initially tried to bargain, promising that she wouldn't go to a certain bar where Chump 6 hangs out. I stood firm, simply stating that I wasn't happy with it at all. She brought out the "So I just have to sit around until we can go out together?" line. "You're just trying to control me." "Now I have to ask for permission for everything?" Finally, I got "Fine, then I guess I just won't go out." She stormed off and got a cigarette from her friend and went outside. I followed. It was out there that I got the 'IILWYBNILWY" again, along with the "I just think I need to be alone". I told her that I was going to continue to do my best to make this work, and that she needed to do so as well. Then we went back inside, and she turned into super bitch, barely acknowledging anything I said. Her friend finally left, and I called it a night.

    I'm worried that she's got it in her head that "being alone" will mean a release from all her responsibilities, as a number of y'all have suggested. How do I go about slapping this nonsense down?
  • ScarletScarlet Category Moderator** Posts: 7,542
    That's actually a good start - she did stay home, after all.  Plan a family activity tomorrow.

    I'll leave the rest of advice to the others, as shit-test-management is not my specialty. 
    Speak your truth. 
  • DanGDanG Member Posts: 1,519
    Is her girl "friend" divorced / recently divorced?

    You did well. Maintain the high ground. She is basically throwing a tantrum. You are the adult Captain and have to weather the storm and provide a division. Thus, do plan something family related for tomorrow.

    In a big way, getting her to think family instead of bar is going to be a BIG part of your challenge in this. Her wing-"friend" could be a problem - IF the functional relationship is as it appears.

    Re: "I'm worried that she's got it in her head that "being alone" will mean a release from all her responsibilities."
    > I read quickly back through this post and could not find where this "alone & responsibilities" thing was discussed. What do you mean?



    Scarlet
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