Logistics and Timing are Cock-blocking Me

tigerandplay

hi everybody,

I appreciate the help I've received from the good folks on this board, it's helped me improve things as I'm working through my MAP.  As a quick background, I read MMSL at the beginning of 2012, and it opened my eyes that I wanted to improve my sex life with my wife.  Prior to that, we were in a once a week rut, and I'd love to get to every 2 to 3 days.  My wife is comfortable where we are, but I recognize the problem has been on my side in allowing us to fall into this schedule when we first got married 13 years ago.  So I've been working to change all that.  My big elephant in the room (to Athol's recent post) was that I wasn't even trying to initiate more than once a week and contented myself by taking care of myself instead.  I've cut that down dramatically to motivate me.

Since then, there's been a few issues we've successfully worked through:

1. wife's depression at loss of our dog.  We don't have kids, he was her baby.  It's taken her about a year to stop mourning, but she's gotten through it.  It was very difficult to initiate when she was still working through this.  She does not want another dog.  I've ruled out everything else on Athol's checklist.

2. we're both in excellent physical shape.  I am very successful financially, we want for nothing, and I take care of business.  The rest of my focus has been on being more alpha and initiating in the right way.  I've seen improvement with how shrug things off when I get rejected, by being more playful with her (cocky), and by leading whenever possible.

3. in Dec I've started getting involved in evening activities once a week to give her some space away, she likes me being home with her all of the time.  I've been more social when we're out together as well, and have had some strong IOI's from younger woman who start talking to me while my wife is around, all of which has helped.

So, looking good on paper, what's my problem?  Things are better, but there's still something I need help working through.  The problem is timing and logistics - would love to get your thoughts on what more I can do.

My wife teaches high school.  This means she's out the door at 6:30am, and home at 3pm.  She falls asleep at 8pm, and hates to have sex before bed as it wakes her up and she can't sleep afterwards.  On weekends and her days off, and vacations, we have regular sex just the way I want all the time.  I initiate in the late morning or afternoon, and that works 80% of the time.  Last week when she was off we were having fantastic passionate sex the way I want things to be.  We always tend to have long sessions, 45 min's plus, and she cums several times (which may contribute to her not wanting to more often).

Working days are the problem.  I get home at 6pm or later, and she likes to have dinner on the table ready for me (I'm not complaining).  So by the time we finish dinner, it's 7pm.  I sometimes have luck during the summer, especially when she's off at 7pm, but 90% of the time even if I go for it then she says "no" firmly because she's getting sleepy.  On weeknights where we do have sex and she has trouble sleeping, I've found she likes when I read to her afterwards, and that helps her sleep and builds good comfort.  But I'm still getting a firm "no" most of the time.

So how do I work through this?  I'd be very happy with 1-2 times per week on workdays, but right now I'm pretty much at zero.  It feels like unless we're on vacation there's not more I can do.

Britguy68

Why is she falling asleep at 8pm? 

You need to sort that issue I think. A change in diet/exercise can help with tiredness.

Our family recently eliminated wheat products from our diet and the change in energy has been amazing, no more general 'brain fog', or 2pm tiredness, or falling asleep early evening.

tigerandplay

she falls asleep at 8pm because she wakes up around 5am or earlier.  9 hours is on the high end but not excessive, as a teacher she has to put a lot of energy into teaching, she also runs about 35 miles a week and does yoga.  

The problem is class starts so damn early, it's like she's two time zones ahead of me.

Britguy68

tigerandplay said:

she also runs about 35 miles a week

Too much exercise? Is that just adding to her tiredness?

tigerandplay

I don't think so, but would defer to an expert, the exercise actually helps desire when it's not a work day, and I believe 7 to 9 hours is the normal, healthy range for sleep.  The problem is one or both of us is working during our "prime time".

Jane

What's YOUR schedule?  You say you're on a different one, but don't list exact hours.   Could you get up in the morning with her?  could you take your lunch break when she gets home from school?  When I was marathon training we ran into this issue as well as I had to be up at 5 in order to run before work and I'm just someone who's always needed a lot of sleep (8 hours is my MINIMUM, preferably 9-10 to be feeling GREAT).  My husband can wake up and fall back to sleep easily (for me if i'm woken up, i'm stuck up) so he started to just secretly set my alarm clock for 20 mins early some nights, then when it went off and i'd get up,  he'd say "come back to bed, you still  have 20 mins" and initiate then.  Those were quicky sessions for us, but they did work to fill in the gaps.  Does she work out at home?  I LOVE having sex right after a workout.  I feel fantastic.  Sometimes my husband would wake up at 6:30 just as I was coming in from my run and we'd squeeze in a quicky or some shower sex...

hopingformore

Her saying that she doesn't want sex right before her 8 pm bedtime is bullshit.  It "wakes her up" too much to go to sleep?  It's hamster talking.  Push through that?

tigerandplay

My schedule is that I'm also up at 5am, and typically out the door to workout at 5:45am.  I get home around 6pm most days.  About two days a week I work from home, which means I could make time in the afternoon for us.  

She doesn't like the first thing in the morning time, because she needs about an hour with coffee if she's going to move her bowels (once every 2-3 days).  And after workouts I don't have luck because she doesn't like to when she's dirty.  I'd be open to either of those times.

To "hopingformore's" comments, as I write this out I see it is possible my wife's given me a lot of bullshit.  She gives a fair amount of token resistance no matter what.  But I've found on worknights even if I push hard and laugh her off, we get to the point where she is clearly, physically, saying no for real.  Last month once even to the point where she gave me the silent treatment for a few days, which I shrugged off as bullshit.

When's she's off work things go fine.  What I'm trying to do is build sex into the workday schedule on a regular, don't have to think about it, kind of schedule.

Sounds like I need to sit her down, tell her what I need, and be fucking firm about it.

Angeline

What @upseattle69 said - shorten up the weekday sex a lot. And maybe go read the g-spot thread in the FO section. I used to get energized by sex with my ex, because if I did O, it was a clitoral O from oral, and it just isn't as satisfying as a good, solid fucking to O.

never_surrender

I think you you have a lot going.  I think it's most excellent you both are healthy, she exercises, gets good sleep, no issues with money, and you have 45 min sex sessions,etc... How about supplements ?  Check in with my friend Dr. Ted Broer.  He has excellent natural products and can recommend a plan. His son Austin will help you get started. https://healthmasters.com/    I work different strategies in the evening to get things going.  One is rubbing oil or lotion which is a massage as well, she loves role play and I'll start by talking while kissing and massaging. A hot bath is another option and mix it with the oil massage.   I like the cave man one too.  Keep it mixed up!