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How to bring up that the FO literally is the elephant?

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  • shanna_bananashanna_banana Member Posts: 611
    I had an emergency C-section that left my body in shambles. The BEST thing I did was start walking.
    Pilates and isometric gentle exercises after that helped me.

    Agree with others, there is something more going on here with medical, it seems.

    Also agree that you shouldn't talk about this as much as just take action. Have you heard of dry shampoo? It's similar to hairspray and usually comes in a can. Smells awesome. She could use this on in-between washing days.
    Wonder what would happen if you came home with dry shampoo and crest white strips and burt's bees lip balm? Just gave them to her like it was a gift?  I know that doesn't guarantee she'll use it.

    Also, for the upper lip hair - my friend is Italian and had a pretty dark mustache. She did a few laser treatments and it is gone forever.

    I do realize the main thing will be motivating her. Perhaps you should cut back on the sexy time and kissing?
    When my husband had lowT and was ill (unbeknownst to me) he stopped kissing me and didn't want sex.
    I kicked my girl game into high gear thinking he just didn't like the way I looked.  Turns out that wasn't the prob at all, but could work for you?

  • SerendipitySerendipity Member Posts: 358
    edited March 2013
    @Flaming_Man_of_Iron - did you guys struggle at all to get pregnant? Often women with PCOS do struggle with infertility issues.

    Since I was summoned, I thought I'd comment. Your wife reminds me of my husband at this point in time. A lot of her behaviors make me think depression as well. As everyone here says "Rule out medical first". She should have an 8 week postpartum check up if she had a c-section (or somewhere around there) and they usually do a pap smear, etc at this time if she hasn't had one since pre-pregnancy. I recommend going with her or telling her to ask the dr about some tests: Thyroid including the TSH, Free T4 and T3 (someone correct me if I'm wrong on this one), mention the hygiene (is this a new issue or was she always this lax?)  It's possible maybe they wait a bit on any bloodwork til her hormones stablize more post birth, but i'm not sure. I also had 2 c-sections and by 8 weeks out I was recovered enough to do anything pretty much. First kid I was already exercising by then.

    In my relationship I'm the health nut and care about my appearance, weight, etc. She is likely definitely aware of her weight issues, most women are. I do feel like though she has to WANT to do it. She does sound depressed and it's very hard with a new baby especially if you're getting no sleep or support around the house from your husband. Not saying go all mamsy pansy beta on her, but definitely be there to help.  Although you said you have a nanny. I would've been way more sane had I had that in those early stages. She's very lucky to have that and should use that opportunity to take time for herself.

    Does she have friends she can confide in?
  • thelittlemrsthelittlemrs Silver Member Posts: 263
    My suggetion if your budget allows it,would be to hire a personal trainer to get her started. That way you can remain the positive encourager and let the trainer push her.  Also, her having an appointment and someone expecting her to be there may be what she needs to get her out the door on a regular basis.
    WinterSerendipityhopingformore
  • SerendipitySerendipity Member Posts: 358
    Yeah I would've loved a PT, but someone who hasn't done anything like ever, even simple walking is a good start and not overwhelming.
    Purple
  • thelittlemrsthelittlemrs Silver Member Posts: 263
    cinnamon said:
    The Y here has personal trainers who are really kind and will do half-hour sessions. You can't get into a crazy program with a half-hour session, and while I haven't done the training here, I strongly suspect they're not going to do the "over whelm the client to prove I am awesome" thing. You can also screen trainers before hiring.
    Same here. I have a friend who is a trainer here and she is really great. She's actually a physical therapist but works as a trainer part time. We don't have a Y in our town but we go to the public rec center and its pretty much the same thing. You can and should screen a trainer to find someone that would be a good fit. It can be really intimidating to even go to a gym when you don't know anything about the equipment or classes, a good trainer can show you the ropes and make you more comfortable with the whole thing. 


  • LouiseLouise EnglandSilver Member Posts: 1,622
    i'm a bit surprised you don't think twice a week is enough times to wash her hair. I never normally do mine more than that. How often do you think she should be doing it?
    hopingformoreLiquidSound
  • Flaming_Man_of_IronFlaming_Man_of_Iron BCGold Men Zen Garden Posts: 454
    edited March 2013
    missymomof3 , I believe the drug she's on had some associated weight gain back when it was a higher dose. She's now at a the very lowest dose, which I'm sure doesn't help, but shouldn't be making her pack on the pounds like she used to. More importantly to me was to find out how much extra food she was eating whenever I wasn't around. My next step of escalation will be for her to deal with her food issues. 


    3 Times a week would be fine with me. After a couple weeks of twice a week though her head doesn't stink nearly as bad as it used to, so maybe it is enough. I'll have to see.

    The internal medicine specialist she sees now is quite good, she does not see a regular GP for her diabetic needs, most of them are not very knowledgeable about diabetes. My wife still has to check her sugars all the time,the pump she has doesn't check her blood sugar. 

    We have been working on meal planning and getting better food into the house. I've made a point to come grocery shopping for the big ones. Luckily greens are cheap where I live.


    Captaining on the part of systems is a huge frustration of mine. Any system I introduce in consultation with my wife, she will disregard the first moment she is tired and doesn't feel like it. If I do keep enforcing when she is in that state, it results in a huge fight with me being an "asshole". If I don't and ask her to clean up her mess, I'll get "later". If I tell her do it now, I'm being "a controlling asshole". Though the last time this all went down she was pretty screwed up in the head and post partum. We'll have to see.

    She has worked out some systems for around the house, where she is bad is with leaving things in the kitchen. Might be worth it again.

    Also, re: thyroid, her specialist has been quite happy with her thyroid levels, but she can't remember what they are.
  • Flaming_Man_of_IronFlaming_Man_of_Iron BCGold Men Zen Garden Posts: 454
    More information:

    My wife has a "mood disorder" (relentless bitch) if she is not on a below "theraputic" dose of Zeldox. Psychiatrist apparently hasn't seen such a low dose work so well on someone before. It is a new generation SSRI. Which is probably why my wife's sex drive is in the tank, post partum issues aside. That said, before she got pregnant she had a reasonably health sex drive, so we'll see how it improves.
  • RedPillRonRedPillRon New York CityGold Men Posts: 642
    Okay I have to ask. Have you read the Primer?

    "Captaining on the part of systems is a huge frustration of mine. Any system I introduce in consultation with my wife, she will disregard the first moment she is tired and doesn't feel like it. If I do keep enforcing when she is in that state, it results in a huge fight with me being an "asshole". If I don't and ask her to clean up her mess, I'll get "later". If I tell her do it now, I'm being "a controlling asshole". Though the last time this all went down she was pretty screwed up in the head and post partum. We'll have to see." 

    This is all Hamster and shit testing. It needs to be Handled appropriately by you ASAP!
    Triage Posted here

    JellyBean
  • ichabodichabod Member Posts: 943
    A paleo diet, while not necessarily easy to transition to, is a great tool. You can reduce your a1c drastically. I know of type IIs that have gotten into the low 5 after 90 days of strict paleo, no cheats. They stopped shooting.

    compliance in her case may be an issue.

    Never listen to what a women says she prefers in men; instead, watch what she does.
  • Flaming_Man_of_IronFlaming_Man_of_Iron BCGold Men Zen Garden Posts: 454
    RedPillRon said:
    Okay I have to ask. Have you read the Primer?

    "Captaining on the part of systems is a huge frustration of mine. Any system I introduce in consultation with my wife, she will disregard the first moment she is tired and doesn't feel like it. If I do keep enforcing when she is in that state, it results in a huge fight with me being an "asshole". If I don't and ask her to clean up her mess, I'll get "later". If I tell her do it now, I'm being "a controlling asshole". Though the last time this all went down she was pretty screwed up in the head and post partum. We'll have to see." 

    This is all Hamster and shit testing. It needs to be Handled appropriately by you ASAP!
    When I wrote that down it occurred to me that that is one of my wife's few forms of shit testing me. And yes, I have read the book, though it was about a year ago. I got it on amazon kindle, and reformatted my PC for windows 7 but haven't installed kindle on it again, I probably should. It took me a while of reflection to get what Athol was really talking about, because I did find his thing about the captain and FO a bit weird and offensive at first.
  • Flaming_Man_of_IronFlaming_Man_of_Iron BCGold Men Zen Garden Posts: 454
    edited March 2013
    ichabod said:
    A paleo diet, while not necessarily easy to transition to, is a great tool. You can reduce your a1c drastically. I know of type IIs that have gotten into the low 5 after 90 days of strict paleo, no cheats. They stopped shooting.

    compliance in her case may be an issue.

    Well, we've been working on simple, straight forward changes. My wife has yet to feel like actually addressing her emotional issues around eating, but at least recognizes that slow, easy changes will help her eat better and not set of any binge eating instincts. She has genuinely been making an effort, and we've both been easing into the paleo...Since we have so much pasta and ground beef, and don't really have the $$ to throw that all out.

    Some earlier stuff that I missed I'll answer as well:


    My wife and I only need a day to conceive each of the three times, we're fairly fertile.

    Oh and she's getting her thyroid checked, but looked at me weird about testing her Testosterone. I just didn't push it yet, since post partum women don't really feel like sex much the first few months anyway.
  • missymomof3missymomof3 Member Posts: 318

    Have you had any luck yet? I hope she is feeling a little better so she can do more for herself. If she doesnt do it for her it just wont stick

  • UnderhillUnderhill USASilver Member Posts: 165
    Flaming_Man_of_Iron said:
    And yes, I have read the book, though it was about a year ago. I got it on amazon kindle, and reformatted my PC for windows 7 but haven't installed kindle on it again, I probably should. It took me a while of reflection to get what Athol was really talking about, because I did find his thing about the captain and FO a bit weird and offensive at first.
    Go to read.amazon.com.

    Log into the account you bought it with; you should be able to read it from any computer.
  • JellyBeanJellyBean Sunny SoCalGold Women Posts: 5,054
    Flaming_Man_of_Iron said:
    Captaining on the part of systems is a huge frustration of mine. Any system I introduce in consultation with my wife, she will disregard the first moment she is tired and doesn't feel like it. If I do keep enforcing when she is in that state, it results in a huge fight with me being an "asshole". If I don't and ask her to clean up her mess, I'll get "later". If I tell her do it now, I'm being "a controlling asshole". Though the last time this all went down she was pretty screwed up in the head and post partum. We'll have to see.

    She has worked out some systems for around the house, where she is bad is with leaving things in the kitchen. Might be worth it again.
    Part of your job as Captain is to

    1. recognize that a problem exists
    2. identify and define the problem
    3. implement a plan for solution
    4. ensure that the plan is carried out by all members of the team.

    If you throw your hands up in the air and bemoan the fact that it is just too hard, you will never achieve any progress.

    That's why I suggested starting small.  Find a small-ish problem that can be effectively handled without a great deal of difficulty, and let it grow from there.

    If dealing with the messy kitchen is too much to handle right now, start smaller.  Make sure the diaper bag is always stocked and ready to go so there isn't a huge scramble any time you want to leave the house with the baby.  Make sure the trash is always taken out the night before trash day.  Help the older kids learn how to put their toys into the toy basket every night before bath time.  You have to start somewhere. 
    Enneagram type 9w1
  • leilaleila Member Posts: 34
    Your wife has three children under five, including a new born and even though you guys have a nanny which is a huge help, is still apt to be very exhausted. Perhaps you have already addressed this, but can you guys exercise together and start the south beach diet or something, SB is very good for pcos, more so than Paleo....because it focuses primarily on insulin resistance. She is very obese and this is a major health concern I am sure you know that already.....maybe six weeks pp isn't the best place to start, can you buy a bunch of weight watchers meals or something and encourage her to have them, or perhaps you both, with a separate meal for the kids, she may be too exhausted to cook a seperate diet meal for you both and you are probably working so can't. Just a reduction in calories by 2000 kj per day will cause a very big drop in weight because she weighs so much. Maybe when she is three months pp and the baby is not so young you guys can start going to a gym with child care together or the nanny can take care of the kids while you both exercise, the key is to make it a 'we' thing that way she won't feel set upon. You do seem very down on her and she would be picking up on this, surely she has some good qualities as well? Give her some positive mental strokes and motivation to improve herself, at the same time as being gently honest about her weight at that weight she would feel like crap. I really think if she got healthier, self esteem would improve and so would all those other behaviors.
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