Is there "something else" out there?

jzoom

The brief history of my spirituality:

Atheist as a child.  Turned to Wicca as an adult while starting down the path to divorce.  Don't practice it as in depth as I should for my own good.  My own good is the grounding and meditation that helps center my emotions. 

That little "something else" we find in our SO:

MMSL is very fact based, biological, and doesn't really believe in "love" as the "soulmates" paradigm.  However, there should be a healthy level of mutual oneitis in a healthy marriage which brings me to that "something else" that makes your spouse special.

From the little bit I've seen PUA red pill is brutal in the idea of women (and men) being replaceable.  MMSL seems (and maybe I'm way off here) to be slightly softer on this.  Since biology, the chemical reactions that explain attraction, the emotional games that explain oneitis, the time before writing and evolution of society that explain the disconnect between modern blue pill and red pill thinking are all around us is there "something else" that causes us to find that "special someone"?

Is there something biological or societal that explains it that I'm just missing?  Or is there an "energy", a higher source, that doesn't allow us to truly "let go" and "move on" from oneitis?

Just looking for a conversation and general thoughts here, a debate of sorts, refinement of theory.

Elaine

I'm not sure if you are looking for thoughts on how spirituality guides us to our special someone or how biology and spirituality intersect to help us identify our mate or what.  I'm going to just go with general conversation and see where it takes us. 

I honestly do not believe in the concept of soul mates or think that there is one person in the world that is right for me.  I don't think we are destined to seek out a particular person.  I have been in love several times.  If something happens to my husband or marriage I believe I will most likely fall in love again.  Heartbreaks eventually heal.  People grow and look for different things.  If my marriage ends I do not believe I'm destined to be alone and unhappy for eternity.  If my marriage ends I believe I can have a perfectly happy life living alone or with another man.  I do not believe my husband will be easy to replace by any means, but I do believe it is certainly possible.

I chose my husband based on several things.  On the spiritual side I did look for another Christian.  I don't think God would have punished me or anything if I had chosen a non-Christian, but I do believe the odds of a succussful marriage would have been drastically lowered.  My morals and beliefs guide a lot of my desicions and goals.  It helps me decide how to raise my children.  If I had chosen someone with drastically different beliefs that would have made my life much more difficult.  On the physical side I had to be attracted to him.  Certain traits turn me on, certain traits turn me off.  If there is no physical attraction I would again most likely not have the odds in my favor for a successful marriage.  On the emotional side I need someone I feel that comfort and passion with.  I need to prefer him over all the others I have encountered.  On the mental side I need him to meet the criteria I felt were important.  I didn't want to be ruled solely by my heart, I needed him to be "good on paper" as well.  This also increased my chances of a successful marriage.

So once I found the man that met all of these conditions and that I had great sexual chemistry with, I chose him as my mate.  I love him with all my heart and try my best to make sure I'm someone that deserves to be loved whole-heartedly by him. 

jzoom

@Mandy ; Yes, just looking for conversation.  I'm also examining my own beliefs.  I decided to be an atheist at an early age and turned to Wicca during my divorce.  Wicca helped me center myself and believe that there was an energy source in our lives.  Maybe not soul mates, and maybe not just one other person, perhaps there are more than one but that energy source guides us towards them; pushes us when necessary.  That also as you transition through life and grow the people present in your life are there to guide you on your journey.

On a spiritual side I am struggling greatly with my current ex-gf.  I never wanted children and my ex-wife and I both had surgery to make sure.  I feel like I was guided to my ex-gf who has 3 children and then, seemingly out of nowhere, I wanted a family.  On these forums it can be chalked up to body agenda, however, I still find a disinterest in all other children.  Not like I'm around children much anymore but I just don't care, save for hers.  The same can be said of my ex-gf herself.  I'm seeing other women, having fun, having sex, and on a purely logical level know that this is better.  However, the following from one of my other threads illustrates the point:

anglophile said:

Ouch. Still, you were drunk, you're still grieving, she was getting off on your reaction... becoming a better man is a long, hard process. Maybe you'll see her in the supermarket in six months, give her a head nod and keep walking. Maybe after her life with Steve explodes, and it will, you'll see her and she'll ask how it's going.

"Really well. Listen, I'm busy, so..."

Maybe there will come a time when you don't have to act like you don't care, because you just won't care.

THAT will be a great day.

 

This is what I want right now.  I just want to stop caring about her at all.  I can't even figure out why I care.  The other women I'm seeing, sure I care about them on a basic human level but not the way I do about my ex.  This is the kind of thing that makes me wonder if there is just a little something "more" out there.

technovelist

<buddhism>

Maybe your caring is trying to tell you that you need to come to grips with the fact that attachment is the source of suffering.

</buddhism>

jzoom

technovelist said:

<buddhism>

Maybe your caring is trying to tell you that you need to come to grips with the fact that attachment is the source of suffering.

</buddhism>

@technovelist ; The universe attempting to teach me one more lesson?  You find inner & outer peace when you let go and come what may?

LL80

Interesting thoughts.  While it seems crazy to think that there is only one person for all of us, it seems almost equally crazy to think that given anyone who meets the specific criteria you'd want in a spouse would work for you.  I think there is definitely some sort of "chemistry" that has to be present between two people.  I've never really felt it myself, but you may have and I know I've heard from other people just meeting someone and everything just seems so easy right away.  And that's before knowing much about whether or not they'd make a good LTR partner.  Just, like you say, "something." 

In my own thoughts about a potential future mate of course I'm trying to think of it from the logical standpoint, but I really see no possible outcome for me without some sort of blue-pill-ish romanticized meeting someone where it all just seems to work.  The "something."  I'd like to believe it's possible, but I really have no idea.

jzoom

Right, I can step back and objectively say "yes, this is a good mate" or "no, this is not a good mate", however, just because I see a good mate that I get along with doesn't mean I "love" them.  I can even have the dopamine/oxycontin chemistry and still not feel "love".  Right along with that, I have had no dopamine/oxycontin fix with my ex-gf for months and yet I still find my internal voice saying, "I love her".

I'm going to admit here to something that is blue-pill stupid.  Last night after the I text my ex-gf while in the bar about needing her to get the last of her stuff out so she can have a wonderful life with new guy I end up texting her, "I love you and hate you at the same time."  Did that prompt the apology?  Don't know and then we went at it again in text for awhile this morning.  When I told her I have other women interested in me she said she's happy for me and it won't make her jealous.  I told her it's not about making her jealous, just that I realize I had options all along and it was silly of me to invest so much time and energy into her when she wasn't doing it in return.

So could me seeing her at the bar for 10 mins be enough of a dopamine/oxycontin fix to explain it biologically instead of spiritually?  I don't know.  Is there still "something" else there between us where she wants to tell me she's happy with new guy and happy I'm exploring others?  As some other people have told me, when you're done, you're done.  And she had checked up on me on FB not long ago.

Mandy said:

On the emotional side I need someone I feel that comfort and passion with.  I need to prefer him over all the others I have encountered.

LL80 said:

In my own thoughts about a potential future mate of course I'm trying to think of it from the logical standpoint, but I really see no possible outcome for me without some sort of blue-pill-ish romanticized meeting someone where it all just seems to work.  The "something."  I'd like to believe it's possible, but I really have no idea.

That comfort and passion, that preference for this person above all others, that blue-pill-ish romanticized meeting all seems spiritual to me.  From my own faith, the universe is going to guide you down the path to meeting the person(s) you're supposed to encounter.  Even with that there is an element of having met people who are objectively bad for you, for bad relationships, to get you to the point where you're ready for the right person.

I realize I'm rambling and I'm very conflicted right now.

technovelist

jzoom said:

technovelist said:

<buddhism>

Maybe your caring is trying to tell you that you need to come to grips with the fact that attachment is the source of suffering.

</buddhism>

@technovelist ; The universe attempting to teach me one more lesson?  You find inner & outer peace when you let go and come what may?

Exactly. You alluded to that in your later post:

jzoom said:

That comfort and passion, that preference for this person above all others, that blue-pill-ish romanticized meeting all seems spiritual to me.  From my own faith, the universe is going to guide you down the path to meeting the person(s) you're supposed to encounter.  Even with that there is an element of having met people who are objectively bad for you, for bad relationships, to get you to the point where you're ready for the right person.

I realize I'm rambling and I'm very conflicted right now.

It's normal to be conflicted in such a situation. That is also part of the same path.

jzoom

 

LL80 said:

Interesting thoughts.  While it seems crazy to think that there is only one person for all of us, it seems almost equally crazy to think that given anyone who meets the specific criteria you'd want in a spouse would work for you.  I think there is definitely some sort of "chemistry" that has to be present between two people.  I've never really felt it myself, but you may have and I know I've heard from other people just meeting someone and everything just seems so easy right away.  And that's before knowing much about whether or not they'd make a good LTR partner.  Just, like you say, "something." 

In my own thoughts about a potential future mate of course I'm trying to think of it from the logical standpoint, but I really see no possible outcome for me without some sort of blue-pill-ish romanticized meeting someone where it all just seems to work.  The "something."  I'd like to believe it's possible, but I really have no idea.

@LL80 That's how I felt with my ex-wife & my ex-gf.  Women I'm seeing now, I'm comfortable with them but not the same feeling.

LL80

If you have already felt that way about two women, it doesn't seem unreasonable to expect to find another eventually.  Unreasonable that you'll feel that way about all of them, sure.  But not that there can't be another.

Do you think your approach is different now than it was when you met them?

jzoom

@LL80 ; Very good point that if I've felt it twice it's not unreasonable to expect to feel it again.

Actually, as I look back on things, the way I am now is the way I was when I first met my ex-wife and ex-gf.  I think I have a natural alpha/beta balance as an adult but each time I've felt that "somethine else" and get oneitis I get betazied very quickly because of blue pill upbringing.  Now that I can see these things after taking the red pill I have the awareness not to allow the betaziation next time around.