She cheated, but she's back - still talking to him, though

Notelrac

we could get some help with the kids in the form of daycare.
Get a "mother's helper".  Find a 14-17yr old teenager from a local dysfunctional family.  Ask them to work 20hrs/week and pay them half the going hourly rate for babysitting in your area.  They'll take it because it gets them away from their family and you will guarantee them a steady weekly income.  Have them work afterschool 1-3 hours/day.

If they're old enough to drive, pay gas money and have them help out with those errands as well.

DostoevskyIdiot

Without actually digging up the post and quoting it, I recall something about a decision being made on Saturday.  I am sure I am not the only one who would like to know what the decision was.

LostOne

@mrslostone decided to stick around and cut off contact with the OM. She's also attempting a Low Information Diet and cutting herself off from the internet and outside communication in general. Our issues are far from resolved, but I think this is a step in the right direction.

This might be falling out of Emergency 911 status, but we are encountering a few more issues. We have virtually zero support from our respective families, and are realizing that we never really have had any support from them. There's some obligatory "let us know if you need anything" remarks, but following up with that just creates a mess of drama and stress for the both of us. It's really appalling to realize that our issues probably stem from how we were raised by people with similar problems.

PhoenixDown

@LostOne Sounds good... Has she given up full access to her phone, email, Facebook, etc?

PhoenixDown

And sorry your family isn't bring supportive It's probably hard for your family to see why you should stay with her, and her family is probably embarrassed.

LostOne

@redpillwifey Yes, she has allowed me access to all of her accounts. We're moving forward.

The lack of support isn't incidental - it's something I've dealt with for my entire life (and her as well) but this situation has just highlighted it enough for us both to really see it. I can count a number of times in our marriage where our respective families have done things out of pure selfishness that caused stress in our marriage.

For example, I pushed a trip to a cousin's wedding last summer (despite my wife's cautionary protests) because I was asked to be the best man, but no one actually organized anything in a reasonable fashion, and after a 16 hour drive to this thing, not a single person wanted to help us out with the kids so we could get some rest. They just wanted us there to look good, shut up, and not make waves. Either way, it was really stressful and I regret making it an issue. I don't know if that's a regular thing people have to deal with, or if it's something to be more concerned about.

LostOne

@redpillwifey Actually, it turns out she hasn't changed her password yet and wants to destroy the backlog before allowing me access. *sigh* I thought things were going so well.

She said it's the hill she's going to die on. I guess it might be time to end this.

LostOne

I mean, it seems like it's totally important for me to see what was said in the past. Transparency "going forward" seems like a total cop out.

Ben

Agreed.  You need to know that everything she's told you about the OM is true and she's not trickle-truthing you in some way.  It seems bizarre to me that she'd deny you this when she's already told you so much.

I'd ask what her stated justification for denying you access until she's deleted her backlogs is, but we already know that she's got a Hamster the size of Texas so I doubt it would be very enlightening.

PhoenixDown

I bet ya they discussed a plan to take it underground. That's the reason "transparency going forward" is a cop out for her.

AheadOfTheCurve

@LostOne, you're going to have to demand she unlock her phone and hand it over right there on the spot, and tell her if she doesn't, or that the history has been scrubbed, it's all over. And you'll have to mean it. And you'll have to follow thru.

She hasn't left you any room for compromise. Good luck.

Notelrac

I bet ya they discussed a plan to take it underground. That's the reason "transparency going forward" is a cop out for her.
State this as the reason for why you need to see the past records.  Listen to her response.

The other obvious reason for why she wants to keep it secret is because... there's a few more "trickle truths" she hasn't gotten around to divulging yet.  Like a second adulterous relationship.

Wildflower

I hope that @Notelrac isn't right ... but I have to agree with the assertion that there's a lot more to the backstory than she's obviously willing to admit ... And, when checking her phone, pay attention to the types of apps she's got for her photos. There are apps that allow you to store one level of "clean" photos with a password (for just this sort of situation) and then there's a deeper level with another password for the photos and videos they don't want you to see. 

I'm sorry you are going through this. 

LostOne

I called her on it, and she cracked and contacted him again. I'm done. We have an appointment with a mediator on Wednesday. She's looking for an apartment locally so we can sort everything out legally.

I appreciate everyone's help and advice. If anyone has any insights as to where we go from here, I'd love to hear it.

DrBeta

@LostOne said:

I called her on it, and she cracked and contacted him again. I'm done. We have an appointment with a mediator on Wednesday. She's looking for an apartment locally so we can sort everything out legally.

I appreciate everyone's help and advice. If anyone has any insights as to where we go from here, I'd love to hear it.

This is going to be hard.  You're going to vacillate at some point and she's going to beg you for second and third chances, whether she really wants them or not. 

Where is everybody sleeping until you meet with mediator?

PhoenixDown

LostOne said:

I called her on it, and she cracked and contacted him again. I'm done. We have an appointment with a mediator on Wednesday. She's looking for an apartment locally so we can sort everything out legally.

I appreciate everyone's help and advice. If anyone has any insights as to where we go from here, I'd love to hear it.

I'm not well versed in the process from here on out, just wanted to say, that sucks and I'm sorry you're going through it. @MrsLostOne should be ashamed of herself, honestly. But I don't think her ginormous hamster will let her see it.

Ben

"You," in the sense of the two of you, go exactly where you're going.  To a mediator.

You, in the sense of you yourself, keep on MAPing.

I'm very sorry this happened.

JellyBean

LostOne said:

I called her on it, and she cracked and contacted him again. I'm done. We have an appointment with a mediator on Wednesday. She's looking for an apartment locally so we can sort everything out legally.

I appreciate everyone's help and advice. If anyone has any insights as to where we go from here, I'd love to hear it.

Oh, @LostOne, I am so sorry.  You don't deserve this.  My only advice is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep breathing.  Better days are ahead. 

spanky

Sorry my friend, but there is better out there for you.  Honesty, character, willingness, desire - all for you.  You're going to need to eat a huge shit sandwich first, but swear to god there is great stuff in your future.  Own your shit, and MAP like a mother****er

westerly

What @spanky said. I watched one of my brothers go through this- he came out a stronger, better man, but obviously it changes you in many ways. Remember that it's better that this happened now instead of 5, 10, 20 years down the road.

 survivinginfidelity.com is a good place to go for info.  I wish you luck and peace.